Recently Lost a Best Friend Because of My Decision to Get Bariatric Surgery

[Sharon Chen 39]

One of my best friends recently found out that I'm in the process of getting bariatric surgery and is vehemently opposed to it. I have to do 6 months of medically supervised weight loss, and I'm hoping to get the surgery in October. She wrote about me on her blog AND emailed me a list of 10 reasons why I should not get the surgery. She calls it "cosmetic" surgery. She no longer wants to be friends with me, and I hate that I'm losing her friendship, but I'm doing this for my health, well-being, and quality of life, NOT to become thin. I have many health problems including obstructive sleep apnea, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, back pain, knee pain, hypothyroidism, prediabetes, fatty liver, etc that I want to get rid of. I also have a family history of stroke, heart disease, and diabetes, which I want to prevent. Those are my reasons for getting the surgery, NOT cosmetic. I know I'm much better off without her negativity, but it's still painful losing a close friend. I've been pretty depressed lately because of this loss.

Here is everything she wrote:

My heart is heavy today and has been since Saturday when my best friend dropped the bomb that she's getting weight loss surgery. The betrayal, hurt, and anger that I've felt since then is mind boggling. Since becoming involved with fat acceptance I've cut body negative people out of my life. I've surrounded myself with people who are positive and work hard for a wide variety of human and animal rights issues. In other words, good people. Positive people. People who make a difference in the world. So my world was rocked when my best friend, after hiding it from me for months, told me that she was getting cosmetic surgery to become thinner.

My friend is the captain of her own underpants and she can get cosmetic surgery if she wants to, of course, but I'm captain of my own underpants as well and I have the right to cut out people who compromise my mental or physical well being. Having gone through a decade long eating disorder where I was constantly praised for starving myself, over exercising, and abusing diet pills, I can't watch someone I care about put themselves through a medically induced eating disorder.

I look forward to the day when weight loss surgery is banned as medically unnecessary, dangerous, and bigoted. Weight loss cosmetic surgery represents the extremes that our society will go to to eradicate fat people. For all of the horror that a person feels when they see a very thin person with an ED, it doesn't seem to hold true for fat people with ED's. While I have a lot of personal experience with that, this experience seems to hit closer to home Perhaps because my friend was involved in the fat acceptance community. I thought better of her. Not brainwashed by society's standards.

Internalized fatphobia is a horrible thing.

The bottom line is that we applaud fat people for doing dangerous, irresponsible, unethical, things that put our lives on the line in the name of thinness. But how would the world react if the opposite were true? If thin people literally risked their lives to become fat because they thought it looked prettier? I have a feeling I know the answer.

So, I suppose I've finally experienced a personal casualty in the War On Fat. During my own struggles I came close to losing my life, but this somehow feels so much worse.

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ten reasons why you're perfect the way you are and you don't need cosmetic surgery.

1. you're beautiful the way you are: cosmetic surgery can change how you look,but it doesn't change who you are.

2. cosmetic surgery won't fix your self esteem: too many people have thought that it would, but losing weight and looking different won't automatically make you feel better about yourself. you need to do that from the inside and you can do that at any weight.

3. you can be healthy at any size- you have to change your behaviors, not your appearance. currently you don't eat well or exercise and if you lose weight but still don't change those behaviors then you're still going to have issues. Remember that studies show that health problems initially go away during weight loss but very often return because weight does not equal health.

4. this particular type of cosmetic surgery is dangerous. The sleeve is less dangerous than some other methods, but they're all dangerous. There's a laundry list of side effects that i'm sure you've seen, including death. is it really worth it just to look more socially acceptable?

5. you're making a statement: when a fat person decides that being thin is better than being fat and actively tries to change their bodies it makes a statement about all fat people and it makes a social statement. and that is that being thin is better than being fat.

6. people already love you just the way you are: this needs little explanation.. people already care about you, you have no problem finding dates or hook ups. your life isn't hindered by anything except your lack of confidence which won't be fixed by cosmetic surgery.

7. body hate poisons you: work on loving yourself instead of blaming your body

8. your body works hard for you- why abuse it? I apologized to my body a long time ago for the eating disorder I put it through, for the self injury I put it through, for the abuse I put it through. No body should be treated that way. you're willing to mutilate your lovely body and put it through a medically induced eating disorder. why do you feel it deserves that kind of hatred and abuse?

9. it's fatphobic: you know enough about fat acceptance and body politics for me not to need to go into too much detail here. It's related to number 5- you're becoming part of a society that favors thin people over fat people and giving it your seal of approval. that society is not only fatphobic but misogynistic and classist as well. You're choosing to stop fighting against that and to give into it instead.

10. You'll be losing a friend: Because I find WLS to be completely unethical and because I struggled with my own eating disorder for ten years, I can't watch someone purposefully do that to themselves. The body hate, the negativity, and the triggers are just too much for me. Maybe that's not even close to enough to keep you from doing this surgery, but at least I can say I tried. You know that body hate and intentional weight loss go against everything that I stand for. I can't just sit by and watch it happen to someone I care about. I can't do it and I won't. So, while it's your body and your choice, realize that that choice comes with consequences. I'm also allowed to make my own choices for my own mental well being. Literally every time I talked to your or hung out with you it would be heartbreaking and triggering. Friendships shouldn't be a negative experience which is why I would have to end this one.

Edited May 26, 2014 by Sharon C.

[kll724 3,055]

((((hugs))) a friend like her is not looking out for your best interest, so is not really a BFF!Look for someone who can support your goals. There are lots of people on here ready, willing, and able to be a BFF to you. Welcome and best wishes to your future. Karen

[keish_lorraine 190]

At the risk of sounding a bit brash...f**k your "friend". She sounds as if she's dealing with her own "fat acceptance" issues. You don't need those kind of people in your life. She's selfish. She created a whole blog post about YOUR surgery and made it about HER feelings. She doesn't care about you. She was never a friend. Cut that dead weight loose now. You'll feel much lighter when you do.

Edited May 26, 2014 by keish_lorraine

[Crosby 303]

She seems quite narcissistic or immature..or both. Frankly, unrelated to weight loss surgery beliefs , not someone I would want to be around.

[Jack 855]

I've lost friends over stuff a lot less important than my own personal health care decisions.

And for a strident list of pseudo intellectual garbage that is wrong both in premise as well as fact, your time will be far better utilized by attending to the rigors of healthy living than somebody's list of fantasies.

Cheers on your journey.

[thesuse2000 698]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this! She clearly comes from a perspective that meets her own needs only. She's twisted various info to align with her own twisted thinking.

I understand that some people do see this as cosmetic surgery but that is SO false! My medical insurance is covering my surgery because they know that this is a (major) health need for me - and that it will probably save them money in the long run because I'm less likely to get diabetes, heart disease or other health issues anytime soon.

This surgery enables us to eat less and rewires our neurochemistry so we don't feel that we are depriving ourselves as we eat less and achieve a more healthy weight. I see people disputing the fact that excess weight is a health issue, but the facts are not on their side. All the data shows that excess weight increases the risk for a range of health issues and a an earlier death.

Some of the things she says - about accepting and loving yourself - are not at all in conflict with this surgery.

Ugh! You REALLY are better off without this person in your life! You are choosing to take care of yourself - good for you! You will find people to support you in your journey.

[Moxy 58]

Unfortunately your friend is the type of person why i don't tell a lot of people that i had surgery, People are ignorant when it comes to Gastric bypass. They think its so we can be thin and that we are doing it for vanity reasons. i started out at 336 and am now 7 months post op at 206. i can actually play with my kids now. that was the major reason i had surgery among other heath issues that were starting to pile up. Your "friend" needs an education about the surgery, although judging from the blog she posted she is very closed minded and regards her opinion above yours about it. Try to educate her. If she still wants to cut ties with you because you want to get healthy then its her choice. Some people just want to remain ignorant in order to back, and further their own agenda.

[HealthyNewMe 1,935]

Your friend has way too much time on her hands, and way too many issues on her mind. Best wishes to the both of you as you both lead your lives on a different path!

[InfiniteButterfly 438]

Your 'friend'...and I use the term loosely...isn't much of a friend. Her post is all about her. She has zero right to tell you how to live your life or how to live in your body. You need to do what's right for you, and drop the deadweight (her). She's not much of a friend if she can't accept that this is for your health.

[mamaplumlee 58]

I lost friends and some family shunned me before surgery. After surgery some friends I lost because I was losing weight and they weren't. The family that shunned me initially wanted the surgery suddenly. Others after surgery tell me "i'm too thin now." I am still over weight not by much but I eat and drink like I am supposed to. I got my surgery for health reasons and longevity for my life and to not die prematurely as my mom did at 41 from being over weight and there is a long standing of heart issues in my family.

She doesn't sound like a friend at all to me, I'm sorry. .

Edited May 26, 2014 by mamaplumlee

[cryss 96]

Really sorry to hear that she choose to loose a good friend. This isn't on you...its on her. However, it doesn't negate the fact that you lost a friend, and that has got to hurt. I know what that feels like....

Hang in there, and know that as we reinvent ourselves, however it may manifest (WLS is but one way people reinvent themselves... for others it may be addictions, or unhealthy relationships, or job related), the process can hurt and, yet does come with the opportunity to navigate and work through the grief. You will be a better person, and there will be plenty of new people that will become a part of your sacred circle...who are worthy.

All the best!

[Babbs 14,681]

I don't even know where to start. What does your "friend" say about overweight people who need to do the surgery for health reasons (like me)?. I am almost 47 years old, and the weight has quite frankly taken a toll on my health as of late. My mom died at the young age of 69 due to heart failure after a heart attack. I am now hypertensive and pre diabetic. I am not doing this to "look pretty". I am not doing this because I hate myself. I am not doing this because I can't accept my fat and want to fit into what society thinks is acceptable. I am not doing this because I'm "fatphobic". Quite frankly, I'm doing this TO SAVE MY LIFE. It's time we do away with the politically correct bullshit of "fat acceptance" and start telling the TRUTH about what it does to your body to be overweight. I am having the surgery BECAUSE I love myself. Period.

[par1959 470]

What a horrible friend. I would say good ridance and never look back. You are in control not her.

[Nicolanz 1,484]

Your friend is ignorant and selfish. Bottom line.

As for you, you deserve better friends. Congratulations on taking control of YOUR life. I'm so happy for you. Be excited! Good luck with everything! Don't give the toxic people any more of your time and emotions.

[cryss 96]

My suggestion is not to label your friend as horrible, evil, etc... compassion can remove the hurt and feelings of betrayal. There are a lot of people in the world who bite and lash out due to their own fears. I think of alcoholics and other addicts that lash out, but that is because it is an internal process they haven't yet to come to understand/learn about themselves. Your friend may be one of those people who have some internal issues that they do not understand just yet. Like the aforementioned groups, they can alienate themselves and others in the process of meeting their own fears. Just suggesting that compassion and letting go might be something to consider as you move forward.