Nine days after surgery, how to help

[CBT 450]

Is this medication induced? Meaning are the pain meds exacerbating his bad attitude?

Edited May 24, 2014 by CBT

[musicmama 19]

I would encourage you to find a support group in your area, and I don't even mean one with relation to the VSG (although that's not a bad idea, too), but I mean a group like Celebrate Recovery group. I would like to encourage you to read about what codependency is, and read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

You've been on my heart all day since I read this this morning. You don't have to live this way. I'm not saying you should pack it up and leave, I'm saying you don't have to live under his abuse. I would encourage you to also call his surgeons office and give them a heads up, AND speak up during his appointment. But I know that's a lot easier said than done.

[WhoKnows 288]

You are with an abusive person. You don't deserve this. No human being should be treated this way.

If you don't get things for him he will have to get them himself. You aren't his servant.

I hope you are talking to your counselor about the abuse you are enduring.

I was in an abusive marriage too. He is a heartless soulless person and I can't tell you how much better my life is without him.

I agree with @Loveit2012. I feel like this is an uncomfortable thing to say to a stranger online, but from everything you've said, he does indeed sound abusive, and it doesn't sound like this is a recent development. Have you considered leaving? At the very least, you should get some distance for a week or two. Take any kids or pets that may be involved and just get out for a while. Go stay with family or friends.

[pxinaz 8]

Again, thank you for all of your insight. Tomorrow is his two week post op appointment and I will have a lot to say.

Little has changed. Today he refused to go to his other doctor because he is too tired, and he refused to even talk to them. He's still demanding and thinks he's helpless. Snort.

Three positive tiny moments, though. I heard him using the swiffer in the bathroom the other day. This weekend he was on the phone with a friend and he suddenly forgot he was pathetic. He laughed and talked with energy for a good 20 minutes. And this morning, miracle of miracles, he walked 10 extra feet and got his own yogurt.

It's something.

I am trying to do a better job of taking care of myself. Not easy. And yes, I have many options to consider. I'm well aware of the situation, and that I don't deserve the abuse.

For all those who read this prior to surgery and wonder, he is doing well with his new eating style. He feels full. He feels satisfied. He swoons for my omelets still, just now they're tiny 1 egg versions with no butter and well cooked veggies. I don't think he expected to still find pleasure in food under the new regime...but he does.

[WhoKnows 288]

@@pxinaz, thanks for update, and I know we all wish you the best with this! I hope everything turns out well for you both, but you especially.

[Ginger Snaps 1,323]

@@pxinaz --- I agree -- rat him out to his docs. Especially a psych doc or therapist -- I'm assuming he would expect you to drive him to appointments, so I would and then in front of the doctor, start bringing it up. Have it out in front of the doctor if you need to. They need to know he's not being compliant with the program.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Sounds like the surgery just exacerbated a situation that was already downhill... hoping you find some peace and figure out what to do to take care of yourself. Long days out of the house in a beautiful park or beach with a good friend sound like a good idea for you!

[LindafromFlorida 1,542]

Personally I think "ratting him out" would be a waste of time. From what I see the surgeons are pretty much done with you after surgery, and it is his problem from here on out (and yours) if he is not compliant. IMHO I think if he did not have a "servant" he would get off his butt and do something. I would be as unavailable as possible. Pxinaz, something tells me you have some spunk left by your post here and I think you will do whatever it is you need to do. We are rooting for you! Linda

[moonlitestarbrite 902]

he's abusing you. i hope you and your counselor have already come to this conclusion. you will have to keep working on your own self worth until you feel strong enough to stand up to him and not allow him to treat you like this anymore.

he is a very disturbed person. there isnt anything you can do to change him. do you have family or friends you can go to stay with? but guessing you arent ready to leave him yet. its a shame, you deserve to be treated with respect. keep going to counseling.

good luck.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

This sounds less weight loss surgery related and more emotional/mental health related. My dad was a temper tantrum throwing tyrant and what you describe is how he behaved every day. He was also quite capable of becoming violent.

I think you should get yourself to a professional (counselor etc) and figure out what you need to do to 1. protect yourself and 2. find a way forward

Good luck

[ziggypbang 272]

Honey, You are not responsible for your husband's health or his poor choices. You cannot fix him. You do need to get out of that house, even if it's for 3-4 hours at a time. Find an outlet mall. Go to Starbuck's. Visit a friend. See back-to-back matinees at the dollar theater (ok, maybe they're $2 now). Go anywhere. As long as he has a telephone and can dial 911, you're fine. He has to make the decision to change. Sitting around is total CRAP for recovery. I am shocked that he passed his psych eval - someone REALLY dropped the ball on that one. And yes, his surgical team has to be informed that he is ignoring their orders. You are the LAST person he is going to listen to. He know you won't get on a bus and take off, and he's going to continue to treat you in a way you just don't deserve. Blessings!

[NICU-RN 31]

I agree with all of the above advice. Please leave him to himself to help himself. He is responsible for his care. His bariatric surgery did NOT make him an invalid. You need to get away from him until he realizes that his needs are HIS responsibility - not yours. Help is one thing. Demands and abuse is another thing altogether. See a counselor and don't put it off. You need to take care of you and let him take care of himself.

[pxinaz 8]

So we are a little over a month out. He's lost 60 pounds...and is slowly returning to earth. Has it been perfect? No.

He's acknowledged how awful he's been. It's a start. I will never forget the things that were said, but this is my life, and I'm moving forward. He is too. I've urged him to get help dealing with the anger and loss.

For all those who considered me a doormat or codependent or a wuss, your harsh words weren't helpful, but thank you for standing up for those who cannot express the horror of abuse.

For those who said hang in there and let me cry a bit on your online shoulders, thank you for granting me acceptance and peace. It helped me lead myself out of the woods.

Here I am...it does get better.

[SugarFreeMe 293]

So we are a little over a month out. He's lost 60 pounds...and is slowly returning to earth. Has it been perfect? No.

He's acknowledged how awful he's been. It's a start. I will never forget the things that were said, but this is my life, and I'm moving forward. He is too. I've urged him to get help dealing with the anger and loss.

For all those who considered me a doormat or codependent or a wuss, your harsh words weren't helpful, but thank you for standing up for those who cannot express the horror of abuse.

For those who said hang in there and let me cry a bit on your online shoulders, thank you for granting me acceptance and peace. It helped me lead myself out of the woods.

Here I am...it does get better.

I had to go back and see if I could have offended you, I don't think I did and I certainly didn't mean to if you took it that way. I'm so glad that things are moving in the right direction for you both. It's certainly not easy to do for any of us, be it the person having the surgery or their support system. I hope things keep going well for you both and his weight continues to drop. My hope for you is that with continued success he will start to see things in a more pleasant way and start to enjoy life again, with you beside him. Best to you both.

[LindafromFlorida 1,542]

So we are a little over a month out. He's lost 60 pounds...and is slowly returning to earth. Has it been perfect? No.

He's acknowledged how awful he's been. It's a start. I will never forget the things that were said, but this is my life, and I'm moving forward. He is too. I've urged him to get help dealing with the anger and loss.

For all those who considered me a doormat or codependent or a wuss, your harsh words weren't helpful, but thank you for standing up for those who cannot express the horror of abuse.

For those who said hang in there and let me cry a bit on your online shoulders, thank you for granting me acceptance and peace. It helped me lead myself out of the woods.

Here I am...it does get better.

I re-read my post too LOL. However, having lived in a horrible previous abusive 4 year marriage I could have easily spouted off. Sometimes we ask for opinions here and everyone is different with advice. I am glad you are doing well. Being sleeved and other WLS is scary, probably more so for some men. Cheers to health and happiness and more fun with him in your life! Linda

Edited June 18, 2014 by LindafromFlorida

[pxinaz 8]

Please understand that I'm not angry or on the attack...I simply could not process the comments that felt harsh. I say this now because other new partners may be walking thru the same hell.

Was it abuse? Absolutely. Will I address it? Oh yes I will and am...I have my own therapist. I'm encouraging my husband to get his own.

I'm grateful for all the support, truly. And I'm eager to see what happens next.