Feeling my Feelings...and nothing I can do about it.

[BRG 39]

Intellectually, I have understood that many obese people, myself included, use food as a soother and to self-medicate. I get that. If this weren't the case, you wouldn't see a high rate of transfer addictions, a divorce rate that jumps to 75% for post-op patients and a suicide rate that is more than double that of the population at large. (In fact, for women it's more than 5x the rate!)

But now, I myself am post-op. And it's no longer an intellectual discussion. It's real. It's happening to me.

I am feeling all my Feelings and there is nothing I can do about it. The thing I know how to do when uncomfortable and ugly feelings show up, is to push them back down with the sweet carb of my choosing. But I can't do that anymore. I literally, physically cannot do that anymore. So what do I do?

If I can't push them down, then they have to come up and out. And some of the feelings are so damn ugly. In eating and eating I may have made myself ugly on the outside, but I was able to hide the ugly on the inside. Now what? I have not allowed myself to feel my feelings, never mind EXPRESS them, in so many years I really don't know how. They threaten to totally overwhelm me at times.

Not only that, but people all around me in my life have come to expect me to me so mature, so level-headed. It makes them feel so good, so comfortable to be able to say, "Look at all the difficult things that have happened in her life, but how gracefully she deals with it. Look at how resilient she is, how she lets things roll right off her back."

But without food, I have to feel my Big, Terrible, Feelings. And in doing so, I'm about to reveal that I'm not graceful, resilient or mature. I was just contained by carbs. We are all about to have a giant identity crisis, I'm afraid.

Luckily, I have a good therapist to support me during this process. And I have you all here at Bariatric Pal - many of you who may have experienced this before and who may already have discovered the answer to the question, "Will feeling my Feelings kill me? Will expressing my Feelings alienate everyone I love? Will not pushing everything ugly back down inside of me totally overturn my life?"

Very powerful and I can easily see myself feeling this way. <3

[JeanZ_RN 378]

My husband even said to me recently, "What I really want is a 1950s wife." He was shocked when I replied, "So do I, but I won't get one either so suck it up, Buttercup."

I LOVE IT! ROFL! That is PRICELESS!

[piercedqt78 658]

I have always been the rock in my family. When things go bad my entire family turns to me, and I am usually strong enough to carry everyone through it. I use to do that and then come home and curl up in bed with a book and a 1/2 gallon of ice cream to drown my sorrows, or to sooth my stress. I have ALWAYS been a stress eater and my sleeve has helped that almost completely. A few weeks ago I had a nasty fight with my step-dad, he said some cruel things to my daughter and to me, he has a bad habit of not thinking before speaking and hurting peoples feelings. Well I had just had enough and I as you so very well put it "felt my feelings" and I let him have it. My mom defended him, after he made my 12 year old cry over her new hairstyle, and my mom is my Best Friend. Well when she defended him, some past hurt from her previous marriage (to an abuser) came out, and in the past I would have shoved those feelings back down with a box of Cookies and a quart of milk, without that option I just told her how I felt. When she told my sister how I felt, and what I had said, my sister (who is also morbidly obese) said, well we all felt that way, but Mandy finally said something. It's like she has all this courage now that she is thin. Then my sister called me and said, "way to go standing up to him and mom". I guess the more weight I lose the more my brain to mouth filter shrinks too. I'm not cruel, but I am honest. Sometimes to a fault. But that's how I live my life. I have always been honest, but was really good as sugar coating, and that just isn't happening anymore. I wrote this about 6 weeks post-op and I think in a small way it applies:

why is it that sometimes the thing we fear the most is evaluation of our lives?

And self evaluation is the hardest. We are our own worst critics. I know that

I look back over my experiences and think what the hell was I thinking?

I have made mistakes, and most of them have been a learning experience.

Others, well I'm still searching for those lessons. My head swims with thoughts, experiences,

conversations, and still I seek more, more knowledge, more value in actions, and more experiences.

I don't want my life to come to a conclusion, and I look back on a boring or worse sad life.

I want to look back and say, I have lived, and now I'm ok to die. I want to be ready to let go.

I don't want to say, wait, I have more to do. I tell people what I think, and never say goodbye without

an I love you, to those that matter. I give my heart freely, and without expectation of anything in return.

I try to express myself openly and honestly. Can this end in heartbreak? sure, but do we really know

we are alive in a perfect world? I think the risks of getting hurt is totally worth it for those times

that you discover that people care about you too. What if you didn't say something and the love of your

life felt the same way, but was affraid to speak up? It would be tragic to live in that kind of isolation.

People always talk about living life to the fullest, but how many have danced in the rain?

Or reached out and held hands with a close friend, just to feel them closer?

A wise man said that the rain lets you know you are real, and that

no matter how wet you get, you will always dry off. That is a soul that really lives life.

If you were told tomorrow that you had 6 months to live, would that be enough time

to make things right in your life? Do you have a bucket list that is a mile long with

nothing checked off? I don't, know why? I live life as it comes, one day at a time.

Live, love, laugh....indeed.

Edited May 14, 2014 by piercedqt78

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

I applaud your grit @@HumanMerelyBeing It is one of the toughest parts of this journey. Re-evaluating you and who you were and who are are now and who you will become. It is like being thrown into a world of confusion where you really don't know what the next step will bring. The unknown is a fear that has kept so many from working through their demons and pushing them back so that you can live. Really live.

The big, bad feelings are not to be feared. They are a necessary part of the healing process. One that you owe to yourself and your supporters. So that on the other side of it they will see you for who you really are. A person with an opinion, an idea and thoughts that can help and stimulate them to action in their lives by your example.

I have been working on my changes for many, many years. i have had counseling up to my ying yang and it never ever helped me because I could not come to grips with why I was who I was. Not the person I wanted to be.

Finally I am coming into my own. I am emerging. it has been hard work and continues to be but I am starting to have a good idea of who I am now. I am no longer a shrinking violet that stays back and allows others to abuse someone in my presents. I have a voice and I use it where it is necessary. I am not afraid anymore of where I go, who I am with or what I am doing. I grab it and run with it because for so long I couldn't.

I paid dearly for this tool that has helped me to change in so many ways and will continue to help me in the future if I continue to grow inside. I am proud of you for recognizing that part of your life change is changing your patterns. Looking at food for what it is a substance to nurture your body and not the love of your life. Transforming that love for food to other areas in your life can only bring happiness to the ones that will receive it. It is not easy because fear is a real emotion and fear dictates how we respond to the new things we are finding out about ourselves...

I have lost a lot of friends over my choice and now know that they were not friends at all. I see the world differently and feel I am part of it..Whether it is ready for me or not. Let those big, bad feelings out and take the changes to heart. You will be a better person for it. You will find that what is left is a person you are content with. And one that will help others and be a supporter of those you love when they are on whatever trek they find themselves.....

Congrats so far!

Jane

[HumanMerelyBeing 287]

@RJ's/beginning - Thank you. You are a voice of wisdom and comfort on this site.

[Roo101769 742]

Piercedqt78 said something about always being great at sugar coating things. I think that is a HUGE metaphor for all of us...We spent years sugar coating our lives, literally and figuratively. We are no longer doing that for our physical health ( no more excess sugars!) and now we no longer do it for our mental health either!!! You get what you get... This is me.