I'm several months out from Lapband removal surgery now and realizing that I've been grieving the loss of my tool. To see my history, just read some of my activity over the last few months on here.

1. Denial and Isolation: in the months leading up to my removal surgery I struggled between being ready to give up my tool because it was causing me so much pain, anxiety and fear and trying desperately to keep my tool because I was unwilling to risk regaining the weight I'd worked so hard to lose. I stayed away from surgery forums, for the most part...I couldn't read about others doing great, struggling, being overjoyed at approval without feeling like I'd just been a fool for thinking I'd ever attain a BMI under 30, my realistic goal. I was undergoing test after test trying to understand what was going on inside my body. I felt like crap at the lowest weight I'd seen in over 15 years. I felt cheated out of the chance to enjoy the smaller clothes, but I desperately wanted the doctors to tell me the band was ok, it was easy to fix whatever was wrong or that I could revise.

After removal, I was overjoyed at being able to eat again, not bring up absolutely everything that went down. In the first 3 months, I gained 3 lb, no biggie. I felt good, normal again. I was in denial about regain.

2. Anger and Depression: a few months ago, the regain started in earnest. I had always suffered from depression in the fall my entire adult life. Relocation to the northwest doesn't help that. With my band I didn't worry about my fall depression, it was still there, but with my tool, the eating was under control, I was in control. I used a blue light and it helped. This last fall, I felt like my emotional world was crashing down and the pounds were piling on...25 of them. I was totally pi**ed off! I've lost my tool, I can't revise, my surgeon f'd up my band by placing it too high...I felt angry, betrayed and miserable. I was so angry I'd allowed myself to become emotionally vulnerable and feel more normal. I coped with obesity by compartmentalizing my emotions...the self loathing, blaming, excusing had been gone. I'd allowed myself to let go of that part of my psyche, set it free...now it's back.

3. Bargaining: as Fall turned to Winter and Winter to spring, I devised different plans to deal with my regain. No carbs, low carbs, DASH diet, blood type diet, no diet, etc. I'm struggling in every sense of the word, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'm so disappointed in myself, I feel stupid for not recognizing my symptoms for what they were earlier, despite my surgeon and PA telling me everything was fine. Every morning and night when I take my meds (8 total, 2 new) I tell myself I'm going to get control, lose what I regained and follow my wls eating plan. I've done great some days, most days...eating 1200-1400 calories, getting a bit of walking in (I'm disabled, so this is limited), logging my food, etc...still I gain. I'm out of options, but I keep thinking maybe I can still revise...my husband has been so supportive, but he's scared I will try to revise. My bargaining days are over...

Acceptance: I'm still struggling, but I'm becoming more resolved to find a long term solution for my problem. I've lost a lot of time on this endeavor. I've got to figure out how to make it meaningful, not a waste of time and resources. I'm going to see a naturopathic physician and I'm considering counseling too. I've got to get a handle on the situation, because in 6 months, it's going to be the dark season again...wish me luck!!

Let me be the first to apologize to you for some insensitive remarks aimed in your direction during these troubling times.

I know if for some reason my band journey came to an end, I know I'd gain weight, without a doubt. I'd still work at keeping it within reason but it would be a very bitter pill to swallow. I hope I'm not piling on here, but, I too would be incredibly disappointed.

And in your case, the botch has left you with few alternatives. Wishing you well.

tmf

Thank you for that @@2muchfun, it means a lot to me.

After 2 years of starvation mode and now adding the cardiac meds, which induce weight gain, my body is hanging on to every calorie. I'm worse off now than before, metabolically speaking.

It's a bitter pill, but at least I CAN swallow it now

It is with sadness I join this group of "bandless" posters. My band was removed via Emergency surgery on 4/25/14..almost 3 years after I received my "tool". Slippage. My tool was slowly killing me. I was vomiting blood and the lining of my stomach. It had to come out. Now, I feel empty - not in a hungry way - in an emotional way. With my band, I lost 124 ugly, disgusting pounds of flubber and now I am so afraid I will find every last pound. I went from a 22 to a size 8. I got rid of all my fat clothes..now what? I am so scared and I feel like I am out there on a limb and someone is sawing it off from the tree. I know you all understand. I am glad the pain and problems are over and gone, but now what? I see my surgeon again next week. I only hope he has some help for me. At my current weight, WLS is out - no one operates WLS on a skinny person. But my pants feel tight already and I feel like a boated slob. I know some of this is post op bloat and some of this is a pitty party on my part...I just need to get a grip, eat like a should, keep walking and don't look back..So much easier said than done. Thanks for letting me vent. I am not having the best of days today. Feeling very desperate and alone with this fat demon that continues to live inside of me. You would think at my age, I could just get a grip, ha, not happening. Take care my fellow bandless friends. We will need to hold each other up.

Melinda in Florida