The Uncomfortable Truth....

[BethinPA 305]

This is a fantastic topic! It has been a privilege to read everyone's responses and to be permitted to read the sharing of such raw feelings - thank you!

I too have given this a lot of thought, and given my relationship with my Mom lots of mental space lately. As I spend time with my siblings over recent months, it is now so apparent to me how screwed up 4 out of 5 of us are regarding our relationship to food. I was pretty unaware of how bad it was until just lately.

My parents each had horrendous upbringings, and did their best to not repeat the past on their kids. For that I am grateful. But I think it is inevitable that some of that dysfunctionality will trickle down....

My Dad is all about control. He eats in a very disciplined way, and keeps his weight in check at all times. Its a bit freaky the way he never overdoes it in any way - I so did not inherit that gene!

My Mom definitely had a dysfunctional relationship with food, and would hide her treats from us kids. We knew where they were hidden though, and sometimes I would sneak from her stash. It seemed natural then to me to hide Snacks and to eat in private and try to hide the evidence. i could get away with this behavior metabolically until I was in college.

The period of my Mom being diagnosed with cancer (I was 18) and then died (I was 21) was when things spiraled out of control and I have not been able to get back into line for any sustained period of time since then. This sleeve surgery is truly the most success I've had with weight loss my whole life.

Now that I am a little over a year out and have lost much of what I wanted to lose, I'm really struggling. I am hiding food again, and will try to bury my feelings with snacking, but the problem is - its no longer working for me. It doesn't numb my feelings or give me any pleasure anymore. The thing I don't understand about myself is - I know the snacking isn't going to work, but I keep trying to make it work. And I'm afraid that eventually I will somehow figure out a way to make it help me with my feelings again. I can't seem to figure out a alternative way of dealing with my feelings. So instead I'm trying to just sit with them, feel them, and see if that works. But that is such a sucky feeling! I've got to keep working the problem, and I'm not sure how.

[crowsnestmama 240]

This is a fantastic topic! It has been a privilege to read everyone's responses and to be permitted to read the sharing of such raw feelings - thank you! I too have given this a lot of thought, and given my relationship with my Mom lots of mental space lately. As I spend time with my siblings over recent months, it is now so apparent to me how screwed up 4 out of 5 of us are regarding our relationship to food. I was pretty unaware of how bad it was until just lately. My parents each had horrendous upbringings, and did their best to not repeat the past on their kids. For that I am grateful. But I think it is inevitable that some of that dysfunctionality will trickle down.... My Dad is all about control. He eats in a very disciplined way, and keeps his weight in check at all times. Its a bit freaky the way he never overdoes it in any way - I so did not inherit that gene! My Mom definitely had a dysfunctional relationship with food, and would hide her treats from us kids. We knew where they were hidden though, and sometimes I would sneak from her stash. It seemed natural then to me to hide Snacks and to eat in private and try to hide the evidence. i could get away with this behavior metabolically until I was in college. The period of my Mom being diagnosed with cancer (I was 18) and then died (I was 21) was when things spiraled out of control and I have not been able to get back into line for any sustained period of time since then. This sleeve surgery is truly the most success I've had with weight loss my whole life. Now that I am a little over a year out and have lost much of what I wanted to lose, I'm really struggling. I am hiding food again, and will try to bury my feelings with snacking, but the problem is - its no longer working for me. It doesn't numb my feelings or give me any pleasure anymore. The thing I don't understand about myself is - I know the snacking isn't going to work, but I keep trying to make it work. And I'm afraid that eventually I will somehow figure out a way to make it help me with my feelings again. I can't seem to figure out a alternative way of dealing with my feelings. So instead I'm trying to just sit with them, feel them, and see if that works. But that is such a sucky feeling! I've got to keep working the problem, and I'm not sure how.

I don't hide my snacking, BUT I do snack. Even if I don't want it really. It's so weird, the things I choose don't even TASTE good anymore, yet I'll eat it anyway. Gah! It makes me feel like an idiot that I can't seem to "just say no" to stupid things like crackers or kit kats...

[BethinPA 305]

I don't hide my snacking, BUT I do snack. Even if I don't want it really. It's so weird, the things I choose don't even TASTE good anymore, yet I'll eat it anyway. Gah! It makes me feel like an idiot that I can't seem to "just say no" to stupid things like crackers or kit kats...

Isn't that freaky?! What is UP with that? I am really confused by my behavior. Its like I just don't want to let it go....

[kwigillingok 177]

I don't think you're more fucked than the rest LV.

I don't post here a whole lot, mostly because I just don't feel like I fit in. I go to a support group once a month but keep coming back here because I feel like I need more.

Have shared a couple of times before why I'm fat, and what it basically boils down to is I am fat because I don't feel like I'm worthy of being loved. I ate to stay fat so nobody would want me. I'm working on that, and it's going to be a very long hard road to get where I want to be. Losing the weight isn't going to make those feelings go away, and I've already caught myself wanting to stuff my face more than once because I've been getting emotionally closer to someone. Its rough...

[No game 14,437]

Ok no surprise here because we all know how much I like to talk...

My husband now knows pretty much everything.

He didn't before, like when I told him i wanted

The surgery the first thing he said was "but Laura you never eat"

I started out not even thinking about telling him everything. But out of necessity I let him see my weight (he was probably in more denial about that than I was) he didn't want me to have this surgery, so I took him to the surgeons appt. with me and lay it all bare in front if him. Weight and everything...

Sometimes when I tell him my dirtiest black moments of wanting to binge or sneak eat.

Like this past two weeks I let him know about my nocturnal beast that tells me to stay up late and eat..

He looks at me in fascination, like I am a strange being from another planet. It is so far off of his thinking, his experience with food.

Does it help me that he knows??

Lol, I'll have to get back to you in a year or two..

Because this cannot be measured in the initial weight loss alone..

Yep. Did this too. I still don't understand the compulsion. I think it had something to do with feeling like I had no say in what I ate or how much, growing up. I would allow myself choices, but nobody else could find out. Weird, right? Butter, have you since fessed up to your wife? What did she say? My husband still doesn't know the full extent. I just can't bring myself to go there, though I have dropped hints like "oh you have no idea how much I was eating and how weird my eating was" but I just can't go there.

This. But without the dropping of the hints. My husband doesn't know my weight, he doesn't know my past eating habits, he doesn't even know how much I've lost to date exactly. I have no idea if he even thinks about how I bloomed to 263.8 pounds or if he knows what I did to myself but respects my feelings enough not to bring it up. I don't know and I don't care because I am so fricking embarrassed that I let myself go so far. I am thrilled beyond all comprehension on how far I've come, but I've gotten to the point where I no longer want to tell anyone how much I've lost. How humiliating is it that I've almost lost my 15 year old (she's 105) who is TALLER than me? I can Celebrate with you all. I can celebrate with my besties. I can not celebrate publicly because I am so ashamed of where I came from and the fact that I am **STILL FAT**. What is that??

[LipstickLady 25,682]

My husband would just say, "Don't. Eat." Not because he is being cruel or unsupportive, but because he truly does not CANNOT get it. He can stop, I couldn't. He can't understand it anymore than I can understand what it feels like to have a penis, Alzheimer's, octuplets or anything else that I can never/will never have.

[crowsnestmama 240]

I don't think you're more fucked than the rest LV. I don't post here a whole lot, mostly because I just don't feel like I fit in. I go to a support group once a month but keep coming back here because I feel like I need more. Have shared a couple of times before why I'm fat, and what it basically boils down to is I am fat because I don't feel like I'm worthy of being loved. I ate to stay fat so nobody would want me. I'm working on that, and it's going to be a very long hard road to get where I want to be. Losing the weight isn't going to make those feelings go away, and I've already caught myself wanting to stuff my face more than once because I've been getting emotionally closer to someone. Its rough...

Due to all my (and my family's) perceived "failures" in life (in my very early 20's) I developed a belief that I AM a failure, it has pervaded EVERY instance of change I have tried in my adult life. So not only am I "fat," and "never had a chance of even being slightly attractive," I am a "failure," and therefor truly "unworthy" of being loved. I have sabotaged each and every attempt to improve my life/circumstances.

I am determined that this is going to change. I don't know how, but I'm going too!

[No game 14,437]

This is a fantastic topic! It has been a privilege to read everyone's responses and to be permitted to read the sharing of such raw feelings - thank you! I too have given this a lot of thought, and given my relationship with my Mom lots of mental space lately. As I spend time with my siblings over recent months, it is now so apparent to me how screwed up 4 out of 5 of us are regarding our relationship to food. I was pretty unaware of how bad it was until just lately. My parents each had horrendous upbringings, and did their best to not repeat the past on their kids. For that I am grateful. But I think it is inevitable that some of that dysfunctionality will trickle down.... My Dad is all about control. He eats in a very disciplined way, and keeps his weight in check at all times. Its a bit freaky the way he never overdoes it in any way - I so did not inherit that gene! My Mom definitely had a dysfunctional relationship with food, and would hide her treats from us kids. We knew where they were hidden though, and sometimes I would sneak from her stash. It seemed natural then to me to hide Snacks and to eat in private and try to hide the evidence. i could get away with this behavior metabolically until I was in college. The period of my Mom being diagnosed with cancer (I was 18) and then died (I was 21) was when things spiraled out of control and I have not been able to get back into line for any sustained period of time since then. This sleeve surgery is truly the most success I've had with weight loss my whole life. Now that I am a little over a year out and have lost much of what I wanted to lose, I'm really struggling. I am hiding food again, and will try to bury my feelings with snacking, but the problem is - its no longer working for me. It doesn't numb my feelings or give me any pleasure anymore. The thing I don't understand about myself is - I know the snacking isn't going to work, but I keep trying to make it work. And I'm afraid that eventually I will somehow figure out a way to make it help me with my feelings again. I can't seem to figure out a alternative way of dealing with my feelings. So instead I'm trying to just sit with them, feel them, and see if that works. But that is such a sucky feeling! I've got to keep working the problem, and I'm not sure how.

Hi, We don't cross paths much.. I'm glad you posted here. I feel like we all have gotten to know each other a bit more from it.

I wanted to highlight this.. It really resonated with me.. A strange thing huh? That we are going to the old behaviors now and they just aren't working the way they used too.. Lol but I'm a stubborn puss and keep trying

Now that I am a little over a year out and have lost much of what I wanted to lose, I'm really struggling. I am hiding food again, and will try to bury my feelings with snacking, but the problem is - its no longer working for me. It doesn't numb my feelings or give me any pleasure anymore. The thing I don't understand about myself is - I know the snacking isn't going to work, but I keep trying to make it work. And I'm afraid that eventually I will somehow figure out a way to make it help me with my feelings again. I can't seem to figure out a alternative way of dealing with my feelings. So instead I'm trying to just sit with them, feel them, and see if that works. But that is such a sucky feeling! I've got to keep working the problem, and I'm not sure how.

Edited December 4, 2013 by laura-ven

[No game 14,437]

My husband would just say, "Don't. Eat." Not because he is being cruel or unsupportive, but because he truly does not CANNOT get it. He can stop, I couldn't. He can't understand it anymore than I can understand what it feels like to have a penis, Alzheimer's, octuplets or anything else that I can never/will never have.

Lol my husband would say just drink a glass of water!

If anything he learned not to say that anymore...

I think me talking so openly to him has Enlightened him a lot. Especially when he is dealing with obese patients..

He has more empathy with them now and a genuine interest in helping. Sometimes even telling them about me.. 0_o

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I see a counselor (well, I haven't for a few months, but I was) and she counsels me over and over again to just sit with the bad feelings. Try to learn to experience it rather than always feeling like you need to numb them, hide them, surpress them or comfort them. It is not always easy, but i suspect it is the right path.You might try counseling. You might also try just sitting with the bad feelings and consciously making the choice to NOT snack. It might not feel good, but I think with practice, it gets better.

Also, do things food wise to support yourself - ie be sure to get enough Protein, eat enough and stay hydrated so that you are not truly hungry and tempted to snack.

Now that I am a little over a year out and have lost much of what I wanted to lose, I'm really struggling. I am hiding food again, and will try to bury my feelings with snacking, but the problem is - its no longer working for me. It doesn't numb my feelings or give me any pleasure anymore. The thing I don't understand about myself is - I know the snacking isn't going to work, but I keep trying to make it work. And I'm afraid that eventually I will somehow figure out a way to make it help me with my feelings again. I can't seem to figure out a alternative way of dealing with my feelings. So instead I'm trying to just sit with them, feel them, and see if that works. But that is such a sucky feeling! I've got to keep working the problem, and I'm not sure how.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I am glad you posted here - why do you feel like you don't fit in?

So glad you are working on the emotional issues, but as you are doing that, don't discount the physical part. What i am trying to say is that we are alot weaker (ie more prone to overeat emotionally) i the physical part is not in order. For me, that means eating low carb, high Protein, not getting overly hungry, staying hydrated etc. It is an interesting phenomena that my "emotional" eating or "head hunger" is much worse if i find myself on a carb bender of some sort. I am not discounting the emotional issues, I am just sharing that it is my own personal experience that the physical part is absolutely necessary to be "in order" to maintain success month after month. Since getting to goal, I have gone through a breakup, and major (plastic) surery which was VERY stressful for me as a medical-phobe without being triggered to turn to food for comfort. I really believe it is because I have the physical part in good order most of the time.

I don't think you're more fucked than the rest LV.

I don't post here a whole lot, mostly because I just don't feel like I fit in. I go to a support group once a month but keep coming back here because I feel like I need more.

Have shared a couple of times before why I'm fat, and what it basically boils down to is I am fat because I don't feel like I'm worthy of being loved. I ate to stay fat so nobody would want me. I'm working on that, and it's going to be a very long hard road to get where I want to be. Losing the weight isn't going to make those feelings go away, and I've already caught myself wanting to stuff my face more than once because I've been getting emotionally closer to someone. Its rough...

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

I see a counselor (well, I haven't for a few months, but I was) and she counsels me over and over again to just sit with the bad feelings. Try to learn to experience it rather than always feeling like you need to numb them, hide them, surpress them or comfort them. It is not always easy, but i suspect it is the right path.You might try counseling. You might also try just sitting with the bad feelings and consciously making the choice to NOT snack. It might not feel good, but I think with practice, it gets better.

Also, do things food wise to support yourself - ie be sure to get enough Protein, eat enough and stay hydrated so that you are not truly hungry and tempted to snack.

Now that I am a little over a year out and have lost much of what I wanted to lose, I'm really struggling. I am hiding food again, and will try to bury my feelings with snacking, but the problem is - its no longer working for me. It doesn't numb my feelings or give me any pleasure anymore. The thing I don't understand about myself is - I know the snacking isn't going to work, but I keep trying to make it work. And I'm afraid that eventually I will somehow figure out a way to make it help me with my feelings again. I can't seem to figure out a alternative way of dealing with my feelings. So instead I'm trying to just sit with them, feel them, and see if that works. But that is such a sucky feeling! I've got to keep working the problem, and I'm not sure how.

One of my former therapists loved this exercise and she pointed out something interesting that goes along with it. In English, we say "I am hungry" or "I am angry." In other languages like French and German the construct is, "I have hunger" or "I have anger." Her theory is that when we personify the emotion we feel it more deeply; it IS us. So her additional instruction to me for sitting with feelings was to reframe the way I spoke to myself about it, so as to hold it at arms' length. She would ask me to visualize holding the feeling in both hands (I have hunger, right there, in my hands), assign it a color, a shape, whatever…and then let it go. It's a trick but it is distracting. I was mostly dealing with anger and hurt and it allowed me to take one step away from it and observe it, rather than rage.

[No game 14,437]

I don't think you're more fucked than the rest LV. I don't post here a whole lot, mostly because I just don't feel like I fit in. I go to a support group once a month but keep coming back here because I feel like I need more. Have shared a couple of times before why I'm fat, and what it basically boils down to is I am fat because I don't feel like I'm worthy of being loved. I ate to stay fat so nobody would want me. I'm working on that, and it's going to be a very long hard road to get where I want to be. Losing the weight isn't going to make those feelings go away, and I've already caught myself wanting to stuff my face more than once because I've been getting emotionally closer to someone. Its rough...

There may be days you don't necessarily want to "fit in" around here, trust me but you do.

So please talk when you have a feeling:)

It's weird huh? Being fat yes, but the being small part too and the need to protect and cover.

[crowsnestmama 240]

"One of my former therapists loved this exercise and she pointed out something interesting that goes along with it. In English, we say "I am hungry" or "I am angry." In other languages like French and German the construct is, "I have hunger" or "I have anger." Her theory is that when we personify the emotion we feel it more deeply; it IS us. So her additional instruction to me for sitting with feelings was to reframe the way I spoke to myself about it, so as to hold it at arms' length. She would ask me to visualize holding the feeling in both hands (I have hunger, right there, in my hands), assign it a color, a shape, whatever…and then let it go. It's a trick but it is distracting. I was mostly dealing with anger and hurt and it allowed me to take one step away from it and observe it, rather than rage."

As a lover of languages, this is AWESOME!!!

Hhmm, new strategy? I think yes!!!

[Ms.AntiBand 2,984]

Y'all... Just know, EVERYONE fits in this group. We are the true motley crew.