Support from home

[woodkd 0]

Hi,

I was wondering if those of you out there who are married felt that your spouse was less than supportive of your decision to get banded. My husband states he is supportive but his actions don't necessairly show that. I know he wants the best for my health but his comments are more geared towards that I will fail, or will want to give up if it gets too hard. This is discouraging for me, I really don't think he even knows he's doing it. He hasn't done any research with me and has asked few questions. Also, my mom is less than supportive and thinks I'm crazy. I feel the people closest to me aren't being supportive. My friends have been supportive, those I've told, but my family has not been. I feel kind of alone and realize that changes in families sometimes threatens other members of the family but this sucks!!! Has anyone gone through this.

[Penni60 45]

Woodkd: I found that the less people I told the less disappointment I endured. I did not tell my MOM till after I had the surgery. She appreciated that and said she would have tried to talk me out of it. Now she thinks it was the best decision I made. My boyfriend, John, was not supportive intially and kept saying why don't you just eat right and exercise. Now he sees I am serious about this life changing event and is very supportive.

I liken this to getting pregnant at the wrong time and then when the baby is born everything falls into place and all the thoughts you had prior just disappear.

In my humble opinion, the one person that has to be OK with the surgery is YOU. It would make things easier if everyone agreed with you that is was for the best but that isn't always gonna happen. With your husband, I did this with my bf, tell him how he is making you feel and that if he can't be supportive in a postive way then to just keep his trap shut. But word it in a nice way. Ya know what I am saying I hope? You have to be strong and stand your ground on this. IT is about your health and not just about being skinny. They aren't seeing it in the light of getting healthy they are seeing it as you just wanna be skinny. Remind them of this. I had to do that as well with my bf and he finally got it one day.

I will keep you and your family in mind in my prayers.

[MeganA 35]

Gosh, sorry you're not getting what you need from the people closest to you. The double edge sword to this is that I'm sure you trust and love these people and ithat makes it hard when you feel you are going against their thoughts and ideas.

One of the things I did before surgery was I held informational sessions at the kitchen table with anyone I told. I made copies of photos of the band, stories of people with the band, I included links they could go to for more information, and I never once tried to hide the things that could go wrong. Instead, I talked them through with people- including what I would need from them if it did go wrong. And I told EVERYONE- aunts, uncle's, cousins, friends, co-workers...

I'm a consultant by trade, so this kind of thing comes pretty naturally to me- educating adults. So if you need any tips or tricks, let me know.

I will say though, that after I had explained everything and given people time to soak it all in, their concerns where generally more about them than me. I had given them the same information I had, so they couldn't make a poor judgement about the band...and that got us to the heart of the matter more quickly.

For example- when I told my mom I wanted this surgery, she looked at me and said "Why would you need to have that?" I was 308 pounds at the time. Her comment was more about how she had loved me unconditionally for my 31 years, and hadn't seen how I had gained so much weight.

My sister eventually told me she would be really pissed if I ever weighed less than her. The interesting and sad thing is, she's putting on every pound I'm taking off. That's her struggle and I'll be there for her as she has been here for me.

I don't know if this is helpful information or not...and I agree that it is, in the end, your decision. This is one time in your life you may just have to stick up for what YOU believe in and fight for it. You'll be so much stronger for it!

Keep us posted,

Megan

[hagerteresa 3]

Hi Woodkd,

I told a lot of people including a lot of family. Some of them were very skeptical but it just made me do further research until we were all satisfied with the answers. I did try to suggest the issue to my dad about it and he immediately shot it down and was totally negative. I didn't say another word about it to him until I was a few weeks post-op. He lives out of state so it wasn't too hard to keep the secret. Needless to say I know how it feels not to receive support about it but I also did get a lot of support from other people. My husband was good about it. It was his dad who loaned me the money. I think my hubby was a little nervous about whether he would still be attracted to me thinner but I don't think he even thinks about it anymore. Goofy men... I would find support where you can get it. We will always support you and if you have a good friend or two that will locally that would be great. I am sure it hurts a little that they aren't more positive about it, maybe once it is done and they see you losing they will be more upbeat about it. Best wishes, Teresa

[woodkd 0]

Thank you ladies. It is so funny how people react to changes. I like the analogy of when there is an unplanned pregnancy and then when the baby is born all is great. Well I feel big enough to be pregnant!!!

[DeLarla 22]

My husband didn't find the band or this site interesting at all. His attitude was "do whatever makes you happy."

However, someone I met on-line that had band surgery and lost 66 pounds came to Vegas for the weekend, so I invited her over. She's a dentist and is totally into Nascar, so she really impressed my husband. She showed us her scars and told us the whole story, what she eats, her success, worries, etc.

Well, two minutes after she left our house, my husband said, "so what's stopping you from getting that surgery?"

Maybe you can show the naysayers this site and have them read how happy we are with our bands.

As far as my husband suporting me now that I have the band, well that's a horse of another color! He's still handing me monster portions of food, he's still chasing me around with a spoon trying to get me to taste stuff, and he's still talking, planning, thinking and wanting our lives to revolve around food. He's a slow learner.

[La_madam 20]

You have to just do it for you and no one else. Once they see the results they will come around. I'm fortunate enough to have the most awesome and supportive hubby ever along with my 3 boys. I laughed so hard yesterday..my youngest 10 was in the kitchen making lunch and I was smelling tuna fish from my bedroom and hearing all sorts of banging and clanging ..a few seconds later he comes into my room with 2 tuna sandwiches..one for me and one for him (now you you have to picture this in your mind). My boys know my portion size is the size of a child if not less so in comes my son with 2 sandwiches he hands me mine and it is made on the tiniest piece of bread and his is a full size sandwich..he took the bread for my sandwich and cut it down to a quater size piece of bread. I thought it was so cute that he took the time to first think of me and make me the sandwich second to cut it down to a size he thought would work for me but unfortunatley I just ate the tuna out of it, cant do bread these days. He felt bad that he had forgotten I cant do bread ... My hubby is so great he totally understands this band thing he often reads Jessi's book in the in the bathroom when he is doing his business if you know what I mean, man would he die if he knew I was telling all of you women this LOL oh well...It took him awhile at first when I was first looking into this but I kept drilling it into his brain, I would read things to him and show him pictures of men and women who have had the surgery and are at goal. I drove him crazy for a good month about the band with all the info I was gathering but it has helped him to be understand and to be much more of a support system for me. He is great! He is 6'1 and weighs 198- wet!

Hang in there your hubby will come around and so will your mother once they see the results and how great you feel . My kids love how it has changed my life and how much more active I am with them...

Good Luck to you

[DeLarla 22]

Michelle, that is the cutest tuna story ever! You never came back to chat with me after running to see what all that tuna commotion was all about!

And your hubby reading the band book is awesome. Chris asks me every week how much I lost. Today I told him that kind of bugs me because I feel pressured, but he said that's not his intention. He said he asks so I know he's constantly thinking of my band. He's got a lot of rough around the edges, but he can be a real cream puff, too.

[New Hope 37]

Michelle, they say you can tell an awful lot about someone by observing their family. You must be dynamite! What a SUPER supportive husband and PRECIOUS son! A child that age being so aware of your eating style and trying so hard to please. That story is one you need to write down, so you won't forget it. You live in a wonderful fairytale! I hope you continue to "live happily ever after". Can't think of anyone who deserves it more! Congratulations!

[New Hope 37]

Lisa, it sounds like your husband cares an awful lot about you (LOVE). He just may not know how to show it the very best way. But I think his calling you, talking about food, following you with food, etc., is just him trying to show this life change is important to you and to him. Also, he may be having some withdrawals from all of this. I know that we enjoyed going out to eat way too much. Checking out new and different types of restaurants. At first after my banding, it was like "what do we do with ourselves now?" But we've just had to adjust our food thinking views. I know that he is so very proud of the fantastic job that you have done, despite the numerous complications that you've had to battle.

[New Hope 37]

Woodkd, my husband is the only person (besides the dr.) that knows I was banded. He is completely supportive, yet didn't push me to do this. I did this for me! He's also my exercise partner, so that has helped immensely. Walking, bike riding. It's time I really cherish and look forward to each evening -- weather permitting. He's a great coach and I can have a hot, steamy relationship with him, too. How much better can that get?

I had a couple of other things done at the same time so that's why people think I had surgery. I chose not to tell others, because I want to see how well I do first.

I won't have any trouble sharing about the band later, when people can see that it's working. I just don't want to live under a microscope in the meantime-- people wondering what's taking so long to lose weight, look how much I'm eating and what I'm eating, etc. I just feel like it's a very personal matter at this point.

I've only shared with "you guys" because you've been there, and done that.

[DeLarla 22]

Marie, only my close inner cirlcle of friends know about my band, and I didn't tell them till long after I had it done. I waited an entire month before telling my sister and my brother, but only after they promised not to tell anyone else. Till this day, my parents & other family don't know, and only one attorney at work knows. I have lunch with the same people every day, yet not one person has noticed that I went from eating $10.00 worth of fast food to nibbling on some plain tuna. Nobody has noticed my 40 pound weight loss, so I'm glad I didn't tell them. You took the words right out of my mouth, "I just don't want to live under a microscope." With me, I don't want anyone monitoring my progress or warning me about what I should or shouldn't eat.

Sometimes I think my husband has a learning disorder because he simply can't adjust to changes. He still insisits I take a bite of this or that, or after he's made a fabolous 6 course dinner, he watches every bite I take and asks, "did you try this yet, mmmm, did you eat this yet, mmm, are you going to have more of this." I ask him all the time to please "try to downplay food." It's enough to smell it and see it, but while I'm struggling to keep my head above Water, he's adding weights to my ankles. He literally argued with me for 10 minutes over stupid spagetti sauce that he made because he wanted me to try the sauce for flavor. I ended up hating him all night for being so ignorant and refusing to leave me alone when it comes to food. So you are right again that he loves me but just doesn't know how to show it.

[Debra 0]

Wow. good thread!

I told my family, my husband's immediate family, my kids and a few close friends. I've been blessed to have total support and no nay-sayers! My mom-in-law has been talking to her friends and family and "gathering info" - thankfully she's getting good reports! But it makes me wonder if all these people know it's me she's asking for! I've stressed that I don't want everyone to know.

The Fridaya before my Monday surgery, we went to costco. I was loading up on Propel, Gatorade, etc, and frozen dinners so I wouldn't have to cook right away. All of a sudden my husband throws a 12 pack of danishes in the cart. I LOVE DANISH! Ususally I would eat 8 or 9 of the pack myself. I just left the pack on the kitchen table and it was still there the next day; so I just said, Listen, I'm on my pre-surgery diet, I can't eat those, and I can't even go near those, please make them disappear! He did, some got frozen, some eaten, I don't know, but they're gone! I guess my point is ... speak up! We have to tell the people around us what we need.

Michelle, what a great kid! My 12 yo son decided to tease me by offering me a bite of his cookie. I took it ... licked it ... and handed it back! He won't do that again! Ha!

Lisa, I think your hubby is scared. You are a beautiful woman and as you lose weight you are becoming more beautiful. Men will start to look at you differently. This is something all our husbands are going to have to deal with.

Thank God for all the true support here! You all rock, Ladies! (and the few gentlemen we have here, too!)

[DeLarla 22]

Debra, the better I begin to look, the more cocky he becomes. You are absolutely right, but he's admitted it openly. Before my surgery I often broke down crying at my obesity, but he'd just keep feeding me. I asked why he wouldn't help instead of hindering, and he said, "cuz I don't want other men looking at you." He said it in a funny, teasing way, but I know he means it. But that's not a healthy marriage, because he's never had any reason not to trust me.

I've read and heard many times that men who don't trust their wives are doing so out of their own guilt. They figure "if I flirt with hot women behind my wife's back, then she's flirting with hot guys behind mine." So yes, it's becoming an issue. But he should be used to it because I didn't always weigh this much. Years ago, a beefy hot guy was checking me out at Home Depot and had me nearly blushing. He actually stopped my husband and said, "damn, you are one lucky guy." He told Chris "Dude, if you ever decide to leave her, I'll be waiting right here." I took it as a huge compliment, while Chris took it as a threat. It irks me that he thinks I'd ruin my marriage because he knows I'm a firm believer in marriage and would never do anything to jeopardize it. If I decide to have an affair, it will only be if and when I'm divorced, which I don't plan on ever doing unless Chris doesn't grow up pretty soon. He leaves me believing that if he got the same proposal, he'd act on it... why else would he feel so threatened?

I went out with my 2 hot girlfriends Friday night, which really bugs Chris because they both have killer bodies and huge boobs and get tons of attention from men. I'm the fat third wheel, but I'm confident in myself so it doesn't bother me when shallow guys approach us and become engrossed by them while occasionally throwing me a bone like, "so what was your name again?" Chris doesn't forbid me from going out with them (which would just get me out the door faster) but he makes snide and sarcastic comments as I'm getting ready, as if my friends are whores. Sure, they look amazing, but they wouldn't be my friends if they were gutter sluts. And what's so lame is that he's totally invited to go with us, but he acts like a 90 year old man and would rather go to bed at 9:00 a.m. on Friday nights, and he says, "you're a married women so you shouldn't be running around." I need a life outside of the house... it would be different if he was awake watching movies or hanging out with me, but I need companionship.

So thank you for the compliment, but I'm still not sure what to do about my marriage. I feel it's on the rocks while he thinks I'm crazy for thinking we even have a problem. I insist on love and laughter, but he's creating irritation and aggravation... why, because his wife is getting more attractive... isn't this supposed to be a good thing?

[Debra 0]

Lis, I'm so sorry. I guess I really hit that nail hard! Sounds like you really love Chris, thou. Have you considered counseling? How long have you been married? Funny, I'd love it if my Chris ever acted the tiniest bit jealous! Guess the grass "always looks" greener, 'eh?

I'm not sure I agree that if someone acts jealous it's 'cos they are guilty. Low self-esteem, insecurities, maybe. This will definately get worse as the "inner you" emerges. I wouldn't wait to address it.

Just my 2 cents! Best wishes to you! I have a feeling this board will start hopping w/ similar "marriage blues" as we all get closer to goal.