How do you handle PMs?

[*Dean* 1,594]

Keith grew up not far from where I live. We're probably related

Maybe I should grow a mullet?

[Nicolanz 1,484]

Haha and flat Iron it.

[clk 3,519]

I, too, have answered the same PM over and over, or had the PM where there are about 5 "active" threads on that very topic.

I usually check the asker's join date. If they are new, I will answer them as completely and honestly as possible. I will also give them links to the search function and suggest they use a non-mobile device for researching this important topic. Mobile devices should only be used to check up on posts and PMs, not researching removing 85% of your stomach. Too much good information is not shown on them.

For the asker who has a join date a few months old, most of the time I feel they are looking for me to validate whatever it is they are wanting to do.

I don't do that.

I will find a few threads that answer their question, tell them how I found them in less than 5 seconds and give them the obnoxious LMGTFY link which always has their answer.

Nothing will shut a (chronic) PM'er down faster than giving them a LMGTFY link.

(and yes, I wrote the text you find there, it doesn't come that way, in case YOU are not familiar with LMGTFY)

Thank you, PdxMan. Not only have I long enjoyed your posts, your perspective and the fact that I feel that like me, you try to balance genuinely helping people with convincing them to help themselves, but I guess I needed validation from an actual vet that's been here a long time, too.

As for Nicolanz's response that seems to infer (oh so politely) that I should leave VST since I don't want to play by the exact same set of nicey nice rules she feels should run the site, I find that incredibly offensive, regardless of how you delicately worded the notion.

I get on VST mostly to help other people. I've only posted a handful of posts in over three years asking for help...and sadly? I got very few responses each time. But it's draining to log on and see I have seven messages and six of them are questions that are currently being addressed or people asking me to do their research for them. Why? Because I DO care, and I DO want to help people and I feel an obligation to respond to everyone that takes the time to message me, even when I have more important things to do or I've already tackled the topic a dozen times.

As people that do converse with me via PM know, I do my best to give the same (wordy) thoughtful and helpful responses when the question is something I have actual experience with or feel I can help with, and to date, I've ignored only ONE PM I've gotten...and it was a bizarre one asking me to do things that have nothing to do with VST.

If I scare people off or make them insecure about PMing me, odds are good those are exactly the people with exactly the questions I didn't want to answer. And as this is a community that numbers in the THOUSANDS, I have every confidence that they'll be able to ask the question of someone more approachable that can answer the same questions with a smile on their face after several years.

When you've spent more than three years here repeating yourself over and over again, come back and revisit this conversation and I'm sure your perspective will have changed.

I love VST. I got very little feedback the few times I reached out while I was working towards goal, but I try to give back because of how that felt. But I am sick to death of the constant nicey-nice police patrolling every post out there dictating how exactly people are required to respond or ask questions here. I am not deliberately rude or offensive and I give really thoughtful responses that clearly take a lot of time. If my personal pet peeve is that people can afford the time to send a PM or make a post about a question, but not the time to actually see if it's already been answered seven million times before - sometimes the very same day they post! - well, that's understandable to those of us that have actually been here a while.

Frankly, this is the very same lack of ownership and responsibility that bothers me about the entire process - people that don't want to do the work to make the most of their sleeve are here in abundance, too. They want the easy way. And that often translates into what I call (and try to avoid answering) "lazy posts" that address things discussed and beaten to death here. I promise - a thread about the three week stall is just as relevant if it's ten days old or a year old.

I avoid a huge majority of posts nowadays just to avoid the frustration this brings. But then those posts wind up in my PM box, and that's why I very nicely and politely asked for advice, from EXPERIENCED VETS, on how they deal with the same thing.

If I have to weed through and avoid posts, people can do the same thing if my posts offend them. There's a block button for a reason. I don't think there's a good reason to use it and never have, but if it makes people have the kumbaya experience they long for on the VST site, it will certainly help them out.

To the vets that took the time to respond with thoughtful responses that actually address what I asked, I appreciate that. And Amytug - great idea, and one I'm definitely considering.

~Cheri

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

So, there were a handful of "vets" that I credit toward helping me. Tiffykins was the main one - I was a band to sleeve revision and was so sure I would

1. fail again and

2. have horrible life threatening complications in the process.

Tiff did have bad complications but she was one who helped me "believe" that this is possible and worth the risk. I can't begin to thank her in the time she took to answer mine (and a million other scared newbies) questions in a personal way. I am not sure I would have had the courage to believe and try again without her counsel.

I try to give that back, but it is exhausting and I am admittedly quite selective. I do tend to focus on the revisionistas because I am telling you, there is not a whole lot more discouraging then failing with a WLS and then steeling yourself to try again...

Anyway, I keep telling myself I need to write up everything - the fears, the experiments, the ups and downs, all of it - and put it on a webpage. I think that would help alot of people, but I just can't seem to get around to it...lol... to busy living my thin life! I guess there are also a few things I don't necessarily want to share with the whole freaking world, but are important points in my journey so that is a balancing act.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I finally clicked on this link...hahaha.... you are mean but it is funny

p.s. I mean that it is kind of mean, but sometimes the truth hurts

You know, some things you can't google and that is what I want to talk to people about. Thinks that are more factual in nature, I just don't want to spend time doing research for people either.

Nothing will shut a (chronic) PM'er down faster than giving them a LMGTFY link.

(and yes, I wrote the text you find there, it doesn't come that way, in case YOU are not familiar with LMGTFY)

[PdxMan 4,292]

I finally clicked on this link...hahaha.... you are mean but it is funny

p.s. I mean that it is kind of mean, but sometimes the truth hurts

You know, some things you can't google and that is what I want to talk to people about. Thinks that are more factual in nature, I just don't want to spend time doing research for people either.

Because I (used to before back surgery) work out a lot and run somewhat competetively, I get PMs about, "What are the differences in the types of Proteins?" "Why should I workout at my target heart rate?" "What are good carbs vs bad carbs?"

These are all general questions that can get FAR better answers with more breadth and depth out in the GoogleVerse than from me. I will give my opinion from my personal experience and then give them a link. A few replies to this have been thankful but a few have also been oobstinate ... "I KNOW HOW TO USE GOOGLE! YOU DON'T HAVE TO TREAT ME LIKE AN IDIOT!"

Uhhh ...

I do not have the power to make anyone feel like an idiot. That comes from within.

I'll be the first to admit that I feel EXACTLY like you Cheri and I will take a break from the board for a month or so. And when I come back, I find about half the time when I respond to a thread, I stop, erase what I have written and move on. Otherwise, I just get too invested in the site and other people's struggles to the point where it occupies space rent free in my brain.

And that is not good for me.

[Nicolanz 1,484]

That was a really long response and I didn't read the whole thing but I really enjoyed the part about the nicey nice patrol. Especially coming from someone who started a whole thread about what not to ask and what questions really annoy you.

Like I said, I don't mean to offend or start a debate here. Just don't think it's necessary to start threads politely telling people to shut the eff up on a public forum. When I become oh so experienced and my perspective has changed, I'll probably not log in anymore. If it's causing you so much pain and inconvenience to answer a PM, don't answer it! Or simply say there's Google and support groups for such inquiries.

I'm not hinting at you to leave, I'm saying avoid adding unnecessary stress in your life. That is all......

[clk 3,519]

So, there were a handful of "vets" that I credit toward helping me. Tiffykins was the main one - I was a band to sleeve revision and was so sure I would

1. fail again and

2. have horrible life threatening complications in the process.

Tiff did have bad complications but she was one who helped me "believe" that this is possible and worth the risk. I can't begin to thank her in the time she took to answer mine (and a million other scared newbies) questions in a personal way. I am not sure I would have had the courage to believe and try again without her counsel.

Tiffykins is sorely missed by those of us that remember her. She was a HUGE part (she and Oregondaisy) of my choosing the sleeve over the band. I lurked a long while here (and on OH) before making an account and followed her story closely. I especially miss her input now that I'm pregnant post sleeve!

And that kinda brings me back...Tiff got pretty burned out. Her life picked up and got very busy with not just one, but two little ones post surgery. I feel that if revisiting VST isn't fulfilling or rewarding or enjoyable in some way for us vets, we'll eventually fade away completely, taking our experience with us. A community of mostly newbies and folks in their first year isn't going to be the same as a varied one. I just want to avoid getting burned out completely.

I admit, I'm a hormonal pregnant woman with some very serious family crisis issues right now on top of an international move and a house hunt for a place 500 miles away. I'm sure that some of the stress I'm feeling in my personal life is reflected here in my posts on VST. I can't help that. But the real heart of my argument is the same and I think that I've felt this way from the start.

~Cheri

[Fiddleman 4,376]

I am not really a vet yet ( not sure what really qualifies one) but do gladly help anyone who feels they want to PM me. Not very many so far, but I enjoy meeting new people and helping them out. Discouraging them is the last thing on my mind.

I also want to say that there are quite a few vets here which have helped me directly by responding to my posts and a few PMs or indirectly by responding to another member's post. I believe in the pass it forward rule.

[gmanbat 5,889]

I try to remind myself that this is a website forum, not a physical neighborhood of transients that come in demanding personal attention. My neighbors here in Florida can come knocking on my door at any time and reek havoc on my personal life. Happily, they are a pleasant, keep to themselves bunch. I can drop in and out of this cyber neighborhood anytime.

The PMers can be dealt with or ignored. Because they PMed me doesn't mean I have to answer even though I have so far to all of them. I have the power.

My sign of burn out becomes self evident when I see the post titles and want to make a wise guy answer. Then a little voice in me says,"Have some class! These people are hurting and need help and don't need you to entertain yourself at their expense!."

Peoples is peoples. They know about searches, won't do them. They want to get special treatment, they demand it. They spell badly to the point of near unintelligibility, get offended easily, won't listen to doctors, do their own thing and blame it on the operation. Some of these things they can help, some they can't. Those of you who deal with the public in general know that this is the level of our world. The forum reflects what we live in. The world is not a Mensa club.

I am grateful for the help and kindness shown to me here. I will help as long as I can without running myself ragged and sinking down into grumpiness and my responses reflecting that decline.

[lessofmeismore 1,405]

I try to remind myself that this is a website forum' date=' not a physical neighborhood of transients that come in demanding personal attention. My neighbors here in Florida can come knocking on my door at any time and reek havoc on my personal life. Happily, they are a pleasant, keep to themselves bunch. I can drop in and out of this cyber neighborhood anytime.

The PMers can be dealt with or ignored. Because they PMed me doesn't mean I have to answer even though I have so far to all of them. I have the power.

My sign of burn out becomes self evident when I see the post titles and want to make a wise guy answer. Then a little voice in me says,"Have some class! These people are hurting and need help and don't need you to entertain yourself at their expense!."

Peoples is peoples. They know about searches, won't do them. They want to get special treatment, they demand it. They spell badly to the point of near unintelligibility, get offended easily, won't listen to doctors, do their own thing and blame it on the operation. Some of these things they can help, some they can't. Those of you who deal with the public in general know that this is the level of our world. The forum reflects what we live in. The world is not a Mensa club.

I am grateful for the help and kindness shown to me here. I will help as long as I can without running myself ragged and sinking down into grumpiness and my responses reflecting that decline.[/quote']

Very well said!

[Butterthebean 8,146]

That was a really long response and I didn't read the whole thing but I really enjoyed the part about the nicey nice patrol. Especially coming from someone who started a whole thread about what not to ask and what questions really annoy you.

Like I said, I don't mean to offend or start a debate here. Just don't think it's necessary to start threads politely telling people to shut the eff up on a public forum. When I become oh so experienced and my perspective has changed, I'll probably not log in anymore. If it's causing you so much pain and inconvenience to answer a PM, don't answer it! Or simply say there's Google and support groups for such inquiries.

I'm not hinting at you to leave, I'm saying avoid adding unnecessary stress in your life. That is all......

I think (without getting into a debate) that the whole reason for the existence of this subforum (vet's forum) is to talk about issues that relate mainly to the vets. VST burnout is a real deal. Notice the incredible lack of people who have been posting for more than a year. To me, that's a vet....posting here for a year or more. I don't know where I got that number, except that it was about the 1 year mark that it took a real act of will to keep coming back. I had to decide if I wanted to keep coming here...and I decided I did.

Many people do exactly what you suggested, they simply quit coming around. Those people are MOSTLY takers...they came here and got what they needed and split. Good for them, no criticism from me about doing that. But the people who are still here after a year are generally givers, because there's not much reason to stick around after that other than to help other sleevers. And we have this subforum so those people can come here and discuss whatever they please (within reason) and not be subject to judgements from people who have not yet walked in their shoes.

My point is....you seem to be suggesting Cheri not answer PM's if it annoys her and not start threads about people who annoy her. You could just as easily have followed your own advice and not posted in this thread. I don't say that to be mean, but just to help you understand that she is coming from a different place than you. I get the feeling she'd like to stick around and help more people, and in order to do that sometimes you have to vent a little with people who have been in the same position you're in.

[lessofmeismore 1,405]

Wait BTB weren't you sleeved in May you're not at your year "mark" yet lol

And without getting into a debate I just find it exhausting reading rants about things that can easily be solved using your own brain and/or own advice and move on or use the block feature.

You can't declare freedom of speech and no nicey nice and then be "offended" when someone uses their right to speak.

It's exhausting this back and forth battle and I find it hypocritical to say the least.

IMO

[Nicolanz 1,484]

I would follow my own advice if I were annoyed. I'm not. Just wondering why one would cause themselves so much stress and then blame others for their stress.

But you're right, this is the vet's forum and I didn't realize that. I always just read current threads.

Vets discuss ....

[Butterthebean 8,146]

Wait BTB weren't you sleeved in May you're not at your year "mark" yet lol

And without getting into a debate I just find it exhausting reading rants about things that can easily be solved using your own brain and/or own advice and move on or use the block feature.

You can't declare freedom of speech and no nicey nice and then be "offended" when someone uses their right to speak.

It's exhausting this back and forth battle and I find it hypocritical to say the least.

IMO

Yep...10 months since surgery. I've been posting for over a year...but it feels like decades sometimes.