How to handle critics?

[joatsaint 2,814]

Next time you have one of these encounters, pretend you are answering your cell phone and then say, "Excuse me, your proctologist just called. He said he found your head!"

[TheGamer 406]

I think when people offer comments like that they are, in a backwards, twistedly strange way, trying to be nice. It's difficult to look someone in the face and go "Yeah, your ass is large enough to have its own gravitational pull..."

Surgery for weight loss carries a stigma. We were the ones who couldn't do it the "right way". People are judgmental pricks when it comes to obesity. If you're fat they look down on you, and when we resort to surgery, they look down on that, too. That's just the way it is. It's not right, but life's too short to worry about a bunch of jerks. I've been very lucky in that the people in my environment have all been (at least to my face) very supportive of my decision.

Your average person isn't going to get what we go through. They can try, but for the people that small changes in diet and exercise work for, they're not going to understand that we've been there and done that, often for most of our lives. We wouldn't be doing this if any of the other things we tried had worked. Just know you're doing what's best for you and don't sweat other people.

[sroan05 27]

Wow. Thank you all SO much for your positive and helpful feedback!

I haven't told every person that I cross paths with; but I have told those who I think (or thought) would provide me with support through this new chapter in my life. I find myself getting really sassy...and defensive...when explaining my reasons behind my decision.

I think my biggest problem isn't with the people who have never struggled with their weight...it's more the overweight people who I thought would be supportive. Talking to my counselor today, she made a valid point: some people feel like you are "betraying the overweight community." I had someone who is overweight tell me that WLS is cheating and not a tool. I'm really not letting her opinion get to me...but all I wanted to say is "seriously?!"

You are all right. This is a choice I've made for ME. No matter what others say, they will never know or understand what it's like to live in my body. I am proud of my decision and I'm so anxious for change to take place. I am grateful for those people in my life that support me...and I'm also grateful for the support from you guys! You're f'n awesome!

[Itsme! 98]

I might have to use that cyst excuse with my boss. We work very closely and she will be supportive but worried in the beginning. She'll find out after the fact - then she'll google it and freak out and ask me a million questions but she'll be there for me. My family will be fine with it, not that it matters by the time they find out. I'll just be ignoring the critics and happy at the changes I'm making.

[Murphy1109 6]

I use to be one who thought this was cheating that you don't need it to lose weight. For me, I was wrong. Back in 92'I lost 180 lbs in a year by eating right and walking. Slowly I gained it all back and twenty years later here I am. People at work were great support encouraging me and all then I started losing my weight pre-op and they said "Why do you still need the surgery when you're doing good losing it all on your own." Believe me I was like WTF? at first then I simply told them that this is something I need, it's a tool that will help me control my eating.

[angelaet 23]

I'm having the same issues. I'm 42 and still have over protected parents. My mom is giving me lots of grief. My dad not as much. It all stems from the mortality rate. I was honest to let them know what I was deciding on doing. We need a great support system around us. When we have surgery. My husband is my cheerleader and on my side for sure. I just feel really upset that they cannot support me as I do this. They sent me places to lose weight, tried to pay me to lose weight but it all came down to them always bringing candies and cakes in the house. I've done practically everything they've asked if me while I lived under their roof. You would think they could support me. My goal was not to tell them but my jealous sister told them. I know I'm rambling it I feel so frustrated. I had my consult with the surgeon to discuss my choice of sleeve and I am awaiting approval from my insurance company. Thanks for listening.

[rmeofone 43]

Angelaet - Can't you explain to your mom that the mortality rate for NOT doing the procedure FAR EXCEEDS having it done. (BTW - Just had mine done in Tijuana on 1/21/13 and I'm already down 30#s!!) .

If my sources are correct, the mortality rate is 1%. What about the effects of type II diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc??

[angelaet 23]

rmefone-Wow! Congratulations!! I have explained it once, but I guess I'm going to have to explain it again. I had a friend on Facebook make a comment about seeing me at the surgery center and my mom freaked out. She thought I had my surgery date already and did not tell her. I told them the first time that they can support me or not. I am making a decision to better my life and the life of my family. But every time they see I have lost weight on the pre-op diet she says, "See you don't need the surgery". As Will Smith said, "Parents just don't understand". Thank you for responding. I am going to remind them of what you said. Again Congratulations!!.

[NurseGrace 509]

I felt with some of that prior to surgery, I spent a lot of time on this site. There is drama and conflict from time to time here but we all have this surgery in common so I spent a lot of time here reading, and learning. It was a great distraction.

[angelaet 23]

I'm scared and excited but always in need of support. I have enough drama...lol! I'll steer clear. I only need positive things in my life.

[sroan05 27]

I'm having the same issues. I'm 42 and still have over protected parents. My mom is giving me lots of grief. My dad not as much. It all stems from the mortality rate. I was honest to let them know what I was deciding on doing. We need a great support system around us. When we have surgery. My husband is my cheerleader and on my side for sure. I just feel really upset that they cannot support me as I do this. They sent me places to lose weight, tried to pay me to lose weight but it all came down to them always bringing candies and cakes in the house. I've done practically everything they've asked if me while I lived under their roof. You would think they could support me. My goal was not to tell them but my jealous sister told them. I know I'm rambling it I feel so frustrated. I had my consult with the surgeon to discuss my choice of sleeve and I am awaiting approval from my insurance company. Thanks for listening.

Well we are all here to support you and back your decision. I would do what rmeofone said and just state the facts. If it helps, print it off so your mom can see the facts right in front of her. Sure, every person and story is different, but even those who have struggled after surgery tend not to regret their decision. My mom had the gastric bypass back in '04, so she's been super supportive. And even after all of the complications that she's had due to her surgery, she will still stand tall and say she would never change her decision.My sister is one of the ones who really doesn't agree with my decision (she's also overweight.) She says I haven't tried hard enough...and that I'm really not THAT big. But I know deep down, it's because she's scared for me. I have decided not to talk to her about my decision anymore because I need support, not negativity. So, prehaps just tell your mom that you're not going to talk to her about it anymore...but that you will let her know before your surgery so she doesn't feel left out.

[sroan05 27]

I felt with some of that prior to surgery, I spent a lot of time on this site. There is drama and conflict from time to time here but we all have this surgery in common so I spent a lot of time here reading, and learning. It was a great distraction.

I hear (read) people talking about drama on here all of the time...but I have yet to see it! Which is a good thing...I'm gonna try to steer away from drama!

[angelaet 23]

Thanks sroan05! I appreciate it. I will take that advice. I'm with you. I need positive people and energy.

[lsereno 2,525]

I had three methods for dealing with negative feedback:

• Love them a lot (Mom for example): Start with "My Dr. and I have decided this is the best option for my health." spend a lot of time helping them to understand the operation, what it will be like right after, one year after, what I am doing to get ready, and the very real risks I face everyday without the operation. Remind them of how long I have tried to lose the weight unsuccessfully and the truly abysmal regain rates for people who do manage to lose large amounts of weight without surgery. I took my Mom to a surgeon appt and to my face-to-face support group.
  
• Like them and feel they are basically well-intentioned. Start with the "My Dr. and I" comment and spend a little time explaining how this surgery is better than older alternatives, etc.
  
• Don't really care about them for whatever reason: Say the "My Dr. and I" comment and move on. If they try to continue discussing, I say I have made my decision and would rather talk about something else. If they keep up after that, end the discussion away from them if at all possible. Usually it is.
  

[angelaet 23]

Thank you so very much! This will help me greatly. I feel this will work. Great advice! Thank you again.