I loves it, but have definately had some wild emotions at times. Lately, i have been feeling more normal, but occasionally have something happen that reminds me of this wild journey.

I have been going to the office alot and been asking for different/new work assignments. It is really helping me feel better - like I am getting my life back.

anyway, Friday I ran into a woman that I used to work with quite a bit - say 5 years ago. i saw her this summer, after I had lost probably 90-100# but I keep "reshaping". The LAST 20# I have lost have been more shocking to everyone then the first 100# somehow. I have lost about 140 now and I am a pretty solid size 10 now, and what I find surprising is that seems to be a huge leap from where I was even back in November when I was a solid size 12. I don't see much a of a difference but I am working out hard to and under that loose skin I am developing a pretty firm muscle base that probably makes a difference in appearance too. Anyway, I thought she was gonna have a break down. She has always been chunky, but she has really gained weight - don't know if that is what triggered it.

I saw her and stopped to say hello. She didn't recoginize me so I made a joke of it and we started talking about work stuff. She interupted me and said "I recognize your voice and your laugh, but my mind can't believe that is really you talking." I thought she might cry... seriously.... she was emotional and I acting kinda nutty actually. I gave her a hug, showed her my badge again trying to be funny about it but she never really recovered.

I got two things out of this encounter.

1. I am a lot more huggy then I used to be. I don't know why, never thought about it, but a few years ago I would not have been likely to hug someone that is a fairly insignificant aquaintance. I think I like this about the "new me" - I have always wanted to be a warmer person I just wasn't raised that way...lol. In general, people are friendlier to me now and I think alot of it is that I am friendlier as well.

2. I always thought people didn't get too wrapped up in how others look... I mean, seriously, who cares that much? I guess i was wrong.

I have been feeling pretty good about my body image lately so the encounter didn't upset me too much, but at weaker times, it might have. Losing this much weight in just over a year - it is a shock to the brain that is for sure.

CowgirlJane, this may sound silly, but you express your thoughts so clearly and eloquently! I really enjoy reading your posts. Thank you, again, for starting this thread.

Everyone gives really positive vibes, despite having their own internal battles going on. It's amazing and humbling.

So do you still feel like an obese' date=' out of shape person locked in a slim, fit, healthy body?[/quote']

Not locked in, but more like masquerading.

Not locked in, but more like masquerading.

Yeah, this feeling lasted until I had been at goal for a while. I think it's pretty normal. The frustrating thing (for me) was getting used to people treating me differently when I felt pretty much the same.

~Cheri

Yeah' date=' this feeling lasted until I had been at goal for a while. I think it's pretty normal. The frustrating thing (for me) was getting used to people treating me differently when I felt pretty much the same.

~Cheri[/quote']

Cheri wondering what you did when... You get to that point that you would normally fail a diet? I mean I am 2 1/2 mos out, low bmi so my weight loss is slower, but I feel great and seem to be letting myself slip back into some old habits:( any motivation for periods like this?

Cheri wondering what you did when... You get to that point that you would normally fail a diet? I mean I am 2 1/2 mos out' date=' low bmi so my weight loss is slower, but I feel great and seem to be letting myself slip back into some old habits:( any motivation for periods like this?[/quote']

Yes, keep your eye on the prize, take one day at a time and realize that mistakes will be made along the way. Celebrate the NSVs in some small way, even if it is just a little in place dance or pat on the back. It will build up a good foundation of self esteem so the waves of life do not blow you over. And believe me, it is a wavy ocean both out there and inside of us. The best you can do is remain strong, turn your cheek and move forward no matter what happens.

My typical diet failure point in the past was 6 months. I would get tired of exercise or eating a certain way. I am now past that date by 1.5 month and still feel really engaged in healthy lifestyle of eating and exercise. It probably would not have been this way if I did not focus on building good habits in the 1st six months and say good bye to my older self.

Even though I have had very good success with the VSG and at goal, I made a big mistake today. I ate 3 ounces of Protein for lunch. It was chicken sausage and then I got a crazy idea and decided to eat two more pieces of the costco steak pieces ( like Jerky but way tastier). Really thick and solid. Even 20 minutes I am getting really bad full feelings, especially the Vagus nerve feeling. Ohhhh, the pain. None of it came up either so I am stuck feeling so uncomfortable. Oh, the pain. Why did I have to do this? I have no idea. I am just going to need to sit here until I recover. Fortunately this only happens once every month for me and it is a bad habit of eating too fast ( pretty common for me) and a really bad habit of eating too much (rare) because I was caving the yummy steak texture and taste. I just ate my 3 ounces 3 hours ago, so was ready for my usual 3 ounces. I can try again as early as my next meal.

Also I do have occasional cheats like 1 ounce of kiesh (sp?) with crust at a v-day party last saturday and a 1/2 ounce of cake ( just a taste) the next day at a b-day party. i do not think small cheats are going to derail me because i am solid in my good habits formed over the first 6 months. I think the pain today is definitely a lesson learned.

Hope my comments help you.

Yes' date=' keep your eye on the prize, take one day at a time and realize that mistakes will be made along the way. Celebrate the NSVs in some small way, even if it is just a little in place dance or pat on the back. It will build up a good foundation of self esteem so the waves of life do not blow you over. And believe me, it is a wavy ocean both out there and inside of us. The best you can do is remain strong, turn your cheek and move forward no matter what happens.

My typical diet failure point in the past was 6 months. I would get tired of exercise or eating a certain way. I am now past that date by 1.5 month and still feel really engaged in healthy lifestyle of eating and exercise. It probably would not have been this way if I did not focus on building good habits in the 1st six months and say good bye to my older self.

Even though I have had very good success with the VSG and at goal, I made a big mistake today. I ate 3 ounces of Protein for lunch. It was chicken sausage and then I got a crazy idea and decided to eat two more pieces of the costco steak pieces ( like jerky but way tastier). Really thick and solid. Even 20 minutes I am getting really bad full feelings, especially the Vagus nerve feeling. Ohhhh, the pain. None of it came up either so I am stuck feeling so uncomfortable. Oh, the pain. Why did I have to do this? I have no idea. I am just going to need to sit here until I recover. Fortunately this only happens once every month for me and it is a bad habit of eating too fast ( pretty common for me) and a really bad habit of eating too much (rare) because I was caving the yummy steak texture and taste. I just ate my 3 ounces 3 hours ago, so was ready for my usual 3 ounces. I can try again as early as my next meal.

Also I do have occasional cheats like 1 ounce of kiesh (sp?) with crust at a v-day party last saturday and a 1/2 ounce of cake ( just a taste) the next day at a b-day party. i do not think small cheats are going to derail me because i am solid in my good habits formed over the first 6 months. I think the pain today is definitely a lesson learned.

Hope my comments help you.[/quote']

Thanks fiddle man! Any encouragement welcomed here;)

I have come back to this thread about 10 times now, reading and re-reading everyone's posts. Every time I do, I want to post something, but I always feel I should post something positive. But in reality, I can't. This is the one part of this journey that I have struggled with and continue to struggle with every day. Sorry for the long post below, but I feel if maybe I tell my story, it will help me in some way...

A little back story, I have been overweight literally my entire life. I started gaining weight in Kindergarten, and continued to gain throughout elementary school and middle school. I spent years been tormented and teased by the other kids in my classes and became very shy and quiet. When I was in grade 10, I decided I had enough and started a watching everything I ate and exercising. It took me 2 years of intensely watching everything I ate and exercising 7 days week, typically and hour to 2 hours to lose 83lbs. I still weighed over 150lbs, but was in good shape and felt pretty good. But it wasn't easy to maintain. Then when I was 18, about a month after I moved away from home, I had a major accident and gained back some weight. Then, I met my husband, and that is when I really packed on the weight. The day we got married I was at my heaviest at 260lbs. After that, I started trying to lose again because we wanted a family and I knew it wasn't healthy to be so heavy. Once again, I joined weight watchers and started exercising 6-7 days a week for 1-2 hours. After 2 years, I had lost 70 lbs, but was still 190lbs, and I got pregnant. I gained back 30lbs and that was where I stayed. I had given up. I was so tired of having to try so hard and not seeing results the same as some other people. I thought I was going to be fat forever. I live in Canada, where the sleeve is not really performed, and the waiting list for a bypass is about 10 years!

Then, in 2010, I found a new company that facilitated surgery in Mexico and I was sold. In November of 2010 I had my surgery, and 18 months later I reach my goal. I have been maintaining for almost 10 months now, but not a day goes by that I am not afraid that I am going to gain the weight back. Logically, I know I shouldn't. I eat well and have changed many of my habits for the good. My weight never really fluctuates much, other than from hormones. I am terrified! And not a day goes by that I can accept the person in the mirror. I still feel really big, even in pictures. Some people say they don't recognize themselves in pictures because they look so much smaller. But I see a picture of myself and think I look fat. I have tried counseling, but it never helps. They just can't give me anything that clicks with me. The logical side of me knows I am not fat anymore. Sometimes I try to give my head a shake and I tell myself, for pete sakes girl, you weigh 138lbs, wear a size 4 or 6, and everyone tells you how tiny you are, why can't you see it, why can't you accept it.

Why can't I, I am not sure. Is it from so many years of being fat? Of being teased and tormented for years? I have a lot of hanging skin, especially on my stomach, and that makes me unhappy...is it that? I read so many posts of people that are so happy. Loving their new bodies, being happy where they are. I knew that this day would come to. I told my husband that I was afraid that it would never be enough for me. That I would always feel like I should lose more. There are days that I think I should lose more, just 5 more pounds maybe. I am only 5'3", so there are days that I think I should weigh in the 120's, 130 at the most. There was a time when I thought "if I ever got down into the 130's, I would be so happy". Now I am there, and I feel like I should weigh less.

I have tried talking a little bit to my husband, but it is hard for him to understand, he has never had a weight problem. I have tried talking to my mom, but she just says that I am so tiny already and can't understand my frustration. And it is not that I am frustrated with my weight, really. I am more frustrated with myself.

I am sorry for this being such a long rant. Sometimes I feel if I can just get it out. Read it and re-read it, maybe something will click. Like a couple of you have said, I feel like I am masquerading. If someone says something about me being small, I feel I should give some explanation. I should say, no, I am not really small, I am actually fat, don't you see it. I wish the self-acceptance and self-love was there, and I am working on it, I truly am. No one wants to live life not liking themselves. I hope one day I will, that is what I am trying to work towards.

This so resonates with me too. The sleeve is just a tool I know and I am 5'6" and I weigh between 143 to 147 lbs. I wear a size 6 or 8 and still think that I am big. This is the hardest part of the journey for us...I see in the mirror a lot of loose skin and I desperately want a face lift. I hate looking at my face, I always have....The other day, I leaned over and took some deep breaths and noticed that my excess skin on my stomach is massive. I stand there and I can grab folds of skin on my backside that is really bothering me also..... Now I will get a face lift in about 6 months, but the other loose skin will have to remain. But I will live with that.

Now the hardest part of my journey is to continue to eat healthy. I know that my emotional baggage will pull me back to old eating habits which is really sad.....So I have to be constantly vigilant about my diet. I'm constantly asking myself if I can do this because I have failed so many other times. My answer always comes back to "I have too." This is my health and I can't risk my blood sugars going up any more.... Sorry for being off topic.....

Supersweetums we have had many ups and downs with our weight, it's over now and now the head work continues on.........Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself how beautiful and healthy you are today. Perhaps it is forgiving ourselves for letting ourselves get so big to begin with. I am constantly working on changing my negative thoughts to more positive ones...... But the fear of gaining back my weight are still here. So it will be a daily struggle and I will always have my tool to contain how much I can eat. My eating feels normal now and my eyes are still bigger than my tummy.......but I'm learning on a daily basis.

The key to all this for me and I hear from your post is that we must truly learn to love ourselves for who we are inside. We need to have our insides match our outside shell also........ Now here's the kicker......You are as beautiful on the inside as the outside.....you are skinny inside as well now it's time to work on matching the two because you will not ever be carrying that extra weight again. So, you are one skinny lady inside and out.......now let's own it....

sweetums... we all struggle. Most of the time i feel like a million bucks, I go shopping and I think EVERYTHING looks good on me now...lol. I feel good, I love it... even so, i have some of that dark side too.

I am heavy on the scale but don't have much excess fat. You can see my ribs - on my back and front... I found myself admiring my bones in the mirror and thinking... I want to see more of them. I started thinking, I could lose another 15-20... easy. Then I caught myself and just said - don't be crazy... why the hell do I want to see ribs sticking out my back? For the love of God, what is wrong with me???

The plastic surgeon consults have really helped me alot. To have multiple docs tell me that at some point my health is compromised if I keep losing, throw away that damn scale and go by health and body fat NOT by how you compare to others or some height weight chart. (I think the glance from random guys is another good meter...hahaha).

Anyway, my point is that we all struggle with this one way or another. It is part of the journey. Post your pain, share it, talk it out, it really helps. I talk to my friends about this stuff too - and they get it too.

I've read this thread several times and I keep thinking I should put down my thoughts, but I'm not sure how clear they are at this point. Please forgive me if this turns into a ramble.

I have been going through pictures of myself the last few days and one thing I've noticed is that I was so unhappy in all of my older pictures. Not just because I was fat, but also because I was in a horrible emotional place. I was depressed and felt unloved and undeserving of love. I've said all along in my journey that I recommend therapy...and not just for food issues. I've spent a good amount of time on a therapist's couch and it didn't feel like it was doing me any good to go in there every week or two, cry a river, then go home all upset. So, I quit seeing her about six months ago. What's interesting is that I feel like I've grown emotionally in the last six months, but I've built on the things she taught me.

I went through a fairly long period where I felt like I was masquerading in a thinner body and another couple of months where I kept kicking myself because I'm not at my "goal" weight yet. In the last month or two I've realized that my "goal" weight is probably unrealistic. I'm not sure that I can mentally or physically reach 190 pounds, or that I'd be any more comfortable at 190 than I am currently. I'm hovering around 235-230 and I'm comfortable here. I've had a couple of plastics consults and the surgeon seems to think (and I agree) that my maximum weight loss will be another 10-15 pounds, plus about 10 pounds from the tummy tuck. Truthfully, I agree.

I'm good with the weight I am now, and I'm getting lots of positive feedback from other people, especially men. I have a 30 year old firefighter telling me how fine I look, and a new boyfriend who adores me and my body. I get lots of other attention from men, so I'm feeling that I look good. I'm healthy, happy, and I don't think I can ask for a lot more. It's taken some time to get to this place mentally, but it's been so worth the journey.

Right now, I think the best word that describes where I'm at on this journey is CONTENT. I love myself, and I think that carries over to other people. It allows me to be nicer to people. It also allows me to have enough self-esteem not to worry a whole lot about what others think of me or about me. I'm more accepting of them because I'm more accepting of me. I'm human and I have faults, but I'm worthy of everything good. I think that acceptance of things as they are is the best gift I've gotten from this whole journey.

It's been quite a ride, but it's so worth it!!!

I'm absolutely going off topic just to say it's nice to see Lissa around again!

~Cheri

It's been quite a ride, but it's so worth it!!!

When I meet someone new, I'm always thinking in my head "Hey! I used to be fat! You're being tricked into thinking I'm normal!". I feel like I need to give a disclaimer! Isn't it odd how I still feel like this isn't actually me?

Wow you nailed it for me...put into words how I feel. I want to wear a sign that says I am really an overweight woman. This size 4 didnt exist 11 months ago. I am really a size 24! I feel like a fraud. I have lost the weight but man ol' man I have a lot or work to still do!

I'm absolutely going off topic just to say it's nice to see Lissa around again!

~Cheri

Thanks, Cheri!

Something very interesting and puzzling happened to me today.

All my life, until the surgery, I had always looked at "normal" girls, or even slightly chubby girls and thought that if I could look like them, I would be happy. I never wanted to be skinny, and would have been very happy with being a voluptuous size 12 or 14 - a large. I looked at other overweight women, and compared myself to them. Am I heavier than her? Do I look like her?

Today, I was in the library, and there was a table with 2 very obese women, around my age. One of them kept shifting around, and adjusting her clothes.. and I was reminded of how uncomfortable I always felt before I lost weight. I was uncomfortable in my own body, and it affected the simplest tasks like sitting and studying.

Then, I was standing just behind one of those girls in the restroom, while waiting to wash my hands. She stepped over to let me use the sink, and quickly took a glance at me in the mirror. Was she also having the same thoughts I used to have less than 2 years ago? Could she be thinking that she would like to look like me? Imperfect, but relatively normal?

I initially looked at her and almost had to catch myself from passing judgment on why she may be overweight. Why wasn't she doing something about her health? I immediately felt guilty and confused on why I would think such a thing, considering that was me. That STILL IS me. I have to work on the new me every minute of every day.

After that, I almost wanted to let her know that I understood... that I was her once upon a time, and still fight the same battle.

I kept quiet and went about my business while she went about hers, of course. I felt guilty and anxious, but extremely proud of myself.

I was her once, and I made a change. I worked to find a solution, and then worked even harder to become that girl I wanted to be. I'm not perfect. I have loose skin, and I've got saggy boobs way before the age to have them. But I'm healthy. I'm in control of my weight, rather than my weight being in control of me. I am victorious.

......

After that, I almost wanted to let her know that I understood... that I was her once upon a time, and still fight the same battle.

.....

This....I can't count how many times in the last few months I've wanted to just start talking to some overweight person and tell them I know how much pain they're in, that I know where they've been because I was there....and offer them the solution that helped me. I want to but I don't dare.