Parent/Teenager Poll

[CLOE 0]

Our home has always been a good place for her. Her friends all love us, some of them come over to see us even when shes not here. I have tried to talk adult to adult, no shouting, when I say I'd like to see 'this and that' she shouts she's gonna leave, then I say okay this is how we feel, you make a mature decision to help us out, then she shouts 'your the parents, make a decision!'. You can't win for losing. Her dad and I have been married 18 years, no abuses, no out of the ordinary fighting, just a loving family, all 3 of the kids have always gotten along. I know there is a rebellious stage, I anticipated it, but this is crazy. We invite the boyfriend over always, but they prefer to go there, to be alone I assume. We are friendly to him, even though I wish he'd fall of the earth.lol. I dunno???

Jodie - way to go in the 100's, awesome. Thank you also for your advice, it's neat to hear from someone who is close to my daughters age. Thanx.

[j_war06 0]

Wow, thats true rebellion lol, Ive seen my friends go through that (them doing it ofcourse and always remembered how much they would regret it, and they do). She will snap into it sometime, I promise, but if you just standby, she will not snap out of it.

[Alexandra 55]

But you have to wonder what a 17 year old and a 21 year old have in common. Just seems like a bad situation to me. ~Mandy

Hey, that's only 4 years! That doesn't seem at all like a big age difference to me. When I was 17 I had a very serious boyfriend who was 22; he actually proposed to me just after I started college but I decided I'd rather stay in school. To me it just wasn't time to actually hitch my life to that of someone else on a permanent basis.

That's all the advice I have--make it clear to her that being in love doesn't mean she has to give up on whatever her plans were initially. If the love is meant to be and strong enough, it will last through her final year of school and many years beyond. But not finishing school should NOT be an option.

I'm the mother of two daughters and think about this sort of thing a lot. I'm very concerned with teaching them how not to subordinate their own desires/goals/lives to that of a man, no matter how much in love they are.

(Edited to add: For what it's worth, my parents really liked my boyfriend. It wasn't until they discovered he'd been coming to visit me at school every weekend that they said anything to me about it. And it was the same time he proposed to me, so I realized their concerns were very well-founded. If they'd said anything to me earlier I'd have brushed it off as parental interference. But then, I wasn't flunking out of school because of him. So I don't know if that's worth anything at all.)

[coltonwade 27]

Our home has always been a good place for her. Her friends all love us, some of them come over to see us even when shes not here. I have tried to talk adult to adult, no shouting, when I say I'd like to see 'this and that' she shouts she's gonna leave, then I say okay this is how we feel, you make a mature decision to help us out, then she shouts 'your the parents, make a decision!'. You can't win for losing. Her dad and I have been married 18 years, no abuses, no out of the ordinary fighting, just a loving family, all 3 of the kids have always gotten along. I know there is a rebellious stage, I anticipated it, but this is crazy. We invite the boyfriend over always, but they prefer to go there, to be alone I assume. We are friendly to him, even though I wish he'd fall of the earth.lol. I dunno???

Jodie - way to go in the 100's, awesome. Thank you also for your advice, it's neat to hear from someone who is close to my daughters age. Thanx.

Speaking from a former rebelious single teen mom ( Pregnant at 16 and struggled every day f until 3 yrs ago for money ) Im married and 31 now .

I See 2 options.

#1 your the parents Make the descions SHE"S right on that , Sorry i call it like i see it. If you dont like what she's doing tough shit if she's bought the car and paid for it, she's living under your roof. TAKE IT . YOUR Drive her to school, tell the school to call you the SECOND She's not in clasa and call the police on her. CAll the police on the boyfriend because its PROBABLY ILLEGAL for a 21 yr old to be with a 17 yr old. It is in Texas.

Tell her this is how it is.... You will do as we say , you will go to college get an education THEN Do what the hell you want .

if she doesnt like it option 2

#2

She Gets out. she's telling you " FINE I"LL Leave " becuase she KNOWS your goign to do what ever she wants so she DOESNT LEAVE . Call her bluff. Next time she tells you im going to leave tell her " Fine Leave , You are welcome to come back anytime you want to finish your education , HOWEVER once you walk out that door all finacial help from us stops until you move back home . " Once she realizes mom and dad wont bail her out reality steps in REAL QUICK.

those are the options i see. WHen my parents kicked me out my prioroities and tude changed QUICKLY .

My boys know edcuaion comes FIRST period end of discusiion . My son is 14 now and all the other boys are goign on "dates" the parents are taking them. I wont I refuse. My son's fine with that. For now. he wont date until he's 16 . He also know if he doenst go to college he's on his own .

Mindy

[Yoda 0]

BTW, you dont have to go to class to pass, just know what you are doing

Hmmmmmmmmm yeah, I do know what you are trying to say here Jodie.....but realistically lets face it; if you don't go to class, you aren't going to learn all you should be learning. If I had a choice between having a doctor who did not go to all his classes (and decided to learn on his own; ie from his books) operate on me versus the doctor who DID go to his classes and learn ALL the little things, I would obviously choose the latter.

Like I said, I recognize the point you are making....but we have to be serious.

That aside: (((((((((((((((((hugz Cloe))))))))))))))))))))) Hey, my friend, I didn't know you were going through this. ALL my sympathies. You've received lots of good advice here and nothing I have to say is any different. You notice it is all varying in styles and methods....which is natural; I think the plan of action you take in these situations will always be different depending on the people involved and their characters, histories etc. All you can do is what you think is best and if it STILL doesn't work out the way you want it and the way you picture your daughter's life being, you will have to accept it....as hard as that is. I feel for you and I also feel for your daughter; I would soooo not want to be that age again and face those difficult times. It is soooo damn easy for us to see the mistakes she is making and I know you want the best for her but there will only be so much you can do before you have to let her live with the consequences of her decision. On a good note, 17 is still "young" enough that she still has time to turn it around. Maybe (I hope) she is just testing the waters....and testing your reactions to things.

My only one piece of advice is to not stop communicating (calmly)....just keep the truth channels open. I got married when I was 21 (only lasted 3 yrs) and even walking down the aisle I soooooo wanted to turn around and run like hell. But I didn't because I was afraid I would disappoint my parents....calling it off at the last minute etc. MANY MANY yrs later I found out that they both wanted me to call it off and they wanted to tell me that it would be okay with THEM if I did. Well....I wish I had of known that THEN!! Ya know? So, just keep communicating in a loving and respesctful way (I know it will be hard sometimes and you will want to scream bloody murder....but just do that on your own time).

Good luck. (((((HUG))))

[spldgrl 0]

WOW sounds like my life. Like the others I only have experience, unfortunatly. so here goes take what you will. I have 3 children current ages 20,18,17 here is their senior story.

oldest daughter- met boy jr year at work "true love" total loser! lived with parents, 21 yrs old, no education ect... Jennifer was leaning toward child advocate attorney until... I told her what I thought and demanded she be at home a decent time follow rules ect. one day I came home and she had packed her stuff and moved out- no idea where she was. she was 18 so she took me off of everything. the school would not give me info as she took me off the release info. didnt see or know her where abouts for 4 months Nov-Feb first of March- drugs ect into picture so we sent her away option- go to school or jail So she took school I paid 20,000 for education and she works currently at Victoria Secrets and is living with losser #2 in another state not a good relationship!

Son senior year met a girl and turned down full ride football schlorship to play house- bit my tongue and tried to stay calm in front of him, I did lecture alot just not demand. current, girl left he called football coach arranged meeting and starts school in Jan. and has to work extra had to prove to coach if wants to play- oh year only$4000 now he has big loans he will have to pay.

Stephanie, my brat- UGGGH! leaning strong on her to go she only wants beauty school so ok if she is happy and going OK! but she is demanding and the world is all about her and the hell with anything else. she has no reality financially daddy has taken good care of her. latest thing is she wants a new car, 2007 and cant understand why not right this minute. I am ready to send her to her sister- (They dont talk either)

So from my perspective and experience Fight your battles and pick the ones well, as you will only win 1-2. I would rather let me kids call me they will be late then spend the nights not knowing if they are even alive. days and weeks go by and you dont know anything if they move out. My sons just has to call me if not home by midnight and come let me know he is home and no drinking and driving he actually has called me to pick him up so I know this way works. we have a better relationship and I dont have those horrible sleepless nights and waking up worried wondering if she is alive or if anyone will even call me if she isnt. So talk to her tell yourself to be calm and in control explain that you need respect and if she want to be grown up then to act like it and be respectful. If she wants a kids perspective maybe we can hook our girls up, Jennifer is late on her bills has moved 4-5 times in 6 months lives in a shit hole and has nothing. all she has to do is be respectful right

Wow all that venting- crap I must be crazy to have lived thru all that crap and then take on a foster baby! what was I thinking doing that again- OK I need a drink yes Water its only 3:17

[green 6]

Holy $hit! What a drag! Well, for starters you have got to make sure that the girl is on the Pill. This is critical. You might want to make friends with the boyfriend, too. Teenagers often lose interest in anything that their parents find acceptable.

My wife-in-law's daughter went through a rebellious period. She dropped out of school when she was 16 and got a job at a Roots' store in the Eaton Mall in downtown Toronto. My ex-husband and his wife started charging her rent and she quickly discovered that the fun of earning minimum wage didn't last for very long.

When she came to her senses they enrolled her at a different high school. She ended up completing university, got an interesting job at City TV, then got married and now has a couple of kids. She is back in school; this time she is studying landscape architecture.

Now I dunno if this story is going to help you at all but it does seem that girls do go through a rebellious stage when they are between 16 and 17. Maybe what you want to do is let them nibble on a reality sandwich without letting them get in too deep - no pregnancies or whatever - and you need to keep the lines of communication open. This is much easier said than done. Perhaps you and your husband can play good cop bad cop? My heart certainly goes out to you. You are in for a rough ride.

For what it's worth, I was a wild teenager, too, and yet I eventually turned out okay. The important thing is that you don't want to see her get pregnant.

[StephC 0]

Cloe - when I was 16 I met the most wonderful man - yes man - he was 20, we were inseperatable for a year, when I was 17 and he was 21 we got married - we will be celebrating our 27th anniversary on Nov 2nd. Since then I've raised 2 teenagers and my 3rd is 16 - so everyone say - ugh! I was not very strict but I was very open, they all know I did the party thing, and they have thrown it in my face.. you only say no because you did this or that... and I've thrown it right back at them - yes you are absolutely right! Let her know it matters because you LOVE her - and tell her I love you every single day every single time you see her. I remember hearing Dr. Dobson .. "focus on the family" ...years ago before I had ever had my first child say that even when that child is the most unlovable child you still have to hug her and say I love you - everyday.

Ok - can I preach to you all? this is how I equate God's love. When I was a child and my dad told me to do the dishes I did them because I was afraid I'd get into trouble if I didn't. But then as I matured and I would go visit my dad I would get up and do the dishes for him because I love him and wanted to do it for him. The same is with our heavenly Father. At first we serve him because we are afraid of hell and the whole sinner thing is working in us. But then as we read our bible and get to know Jesus we understand His love for us. Then we serve him because we love him and we no longer have to worry about hell because we have the understanding of grace. Sin isn't God saying don't do this or that because I said so. Sin is God saying - sweetheart please don't do this, all thats going to come of it is pain and I don't want you to have to hurt. I love you, just follow my commandments and life will be so much easier.

Just love her.

I'll be praying for you.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

This is from PERSONAL experience. I was your daughter to the T, 14 years ago, only YOUNGER. I was 16. The more you push, the more she is going to buck. Be strong, set the rules and expectations and DO NOT WAIVER!!!! Trust me, give an inch and she will run with it. I ran off at 16 with my bad boy. It was not easy. I dropped out, and gave up everything. BUT there is NOTHING you can do to stop her if that is what she wants.

There is a bright side, I married my bad boy at 17. He is now a great father to our 2 little ones and we have been married 12 years now. I am recently back to college at MSU. SO while my plans are off track, I got back on them later. She has to learn on her own, no you telling her anything will work. Trust me. If you need an ear, pm me. I have been her and I can tell you a lot about what she is thinking, really!

[j_war06 0]

The trick is, the time you spend not in class, you read. Class is ridiculous, all the professors do and talk about their own agendas and repeat what the book says. When I do go to class I sit on the internet and chat on AIM MSN MySpace, etc etc and on and on...I still partake in discussions, but I would rather study here than listen to an agenda about some stupid nasty birds in Mexico. You know? I go to my poli sci classes, because that is my major, but other than that, I dont go half the time.

But that is off topic, just an example...In reality you can not tell her to go to college, but like I said you can bargain with her to try it. I KNOW its a lot of money to waste if she decided not to go, but just think of the hardships you could save her down the road if the outcome is positive. Once she is 18, and if she moves out, then its her life to live. I know its hard, my parents are dealing with it right now too. I go out to clubs almost every night, but I dont tell them so that they dont worry because they are far away. I am happier and healthier than Ive ever been in my entire life and its thanks to college allowing me independance. In this day and age, you have to go get a degree to do almost anything, plus she probably has a serious case of senioritis, she will eventually make the right decision if it was in her head before, it didnt just disappear

[argon 3]

green, what's a wife in law? :help:

Ok - can I preach to you all? this is how I equate God's love.

Ugg...

Cloe, I'm sorry your daughter is giving you a hard time. I was gonna post, and say "Mom? Is that you!?! LET IT GO, it was 8 years ago!!!" LOL Because that sounds like me. And look how good I turned out! heh

But really, yeah... my first 'real' boyfriend was 19 when I turned 16. He wasn't the bad one. My mom loooooved him, and thought he was such a dreamboat. Didn't last too long... I messed it up. Maybe because my mom liked him so much? I dunno.

But the next 'real' one, I was 18, he was 22 or something. I ended up moving in with him (oh yeah, he moved in with me, cause he got kicked out of his apartment). He was a loser. Never finished school, didn't have a job, or a car, or any hopes or dreams. His one big accomplishment was that he'd gone to some auctioneering school (about a week long!), and uhhh... that got him no where. But man, could he talk fast!

I was pretty freshly out of (high)school, and not sure what I wanted to do with my life. He, as you can gather, didn't want to do anything with his life. I got him to get a job, and it ended up being as a bartender (mistake #1).

We both re-enrolled in school, him to get his grade 12, and me to upgrade my grade 12 classes and just get better marks. I wanted to be a pilot, then it turned into wanting to be a MRT (radiology tech). His exciting bartending career took over his life... he started not coming home at night after he was done work, and instead going out to continue the partying with the bar people. Anyways, apparently me bitching about him bringing his friends over to smoke pot at our house was enough, and one night he came home from work, grabbed a garbage bag, threw all his sh!t in it, and left.

He never came back to school again... but I saw him around town, off and on. Last I heard, he was working at a grocery warehouse driving a forklift or something. (oh yeah, and drunkenly told my friend I was the best thing that ever happened to him! HA!)

I finished my upgrading, the best student in the school, got some awards for academic achievement, and decided animation was my calling. Blah blah.. and here I am now.

This is the guy I want to go home at Christmas, and thank for walking out on me. (and show him what he's now missin'!)

My story's a little different, cause I was a little older and 'on my own' when I pulled that crap. But as I told you before, I was a Jerky kid (I believe I said 'bad ass'). I think talking to the boyfriend, providing he's able to have some kind of intelligent conversation, and tell him the hopes you have for your daughter, and ask him what he thinks of her thinking about not going to university. He'll probably agree with you that it'd be good for her, and hopefully get on her ass about going. Then when she's there, she'll meet some educated boys, and kick his ass to the curb!

If not, let her move out (if she persists, pack her stuff and have it ready to go for her, if she likes threatening you with moving out so much). She'll break up with him eventually, and realize that she needs to do something with her life, and she will. I think living on her own and fending for herself (assuming he doesn't have a well paying job, so she's taken care of) will be hard enough, and she'll come whimpering back! Let's hope so!

Anyways, good luck... and let us know how it goes, ok?

:hug:

Mandi

[CLOE 0]

Im soooo overwhelmed with everybodys help!!!

It helps just knowing we all went threw it and survived.

Thanks for all the info, really I feel better just reading all the replies, I might even go back and read them all again.

I think I will have a conversation with the idiot, oops, I mean boyfriend. Hopefully that will help. Everyone I talk to tells me how wonderful she is when shes at work or just out without us. So I hope thats a good sign. I have always been the more strick parent. Consequences for actions-be it good or bad. I should try to continue with that if I can. It really does break your heart seeing her make these dumb decisions with the cocky little attitude, and all I can think of is 'God, I sound just like my mother', and I hate that!!

Keep the good ideas rolling, thank-you, thank-you to all, and cross your fingers for me!!! and her.

[Wheezy 0]

Cloe, by your description of your dtr it sounds like she has her sh..t together. She is working, and good grades up until now. Your job as a parent is to teach your kids right from wrong. She knows right from wrong that and will come to her senses sooner or later. Parenting is the most difficult job we will ever do so give yourself a break. You are doing a great job, now it's up to your dtr to make the right choices. Parenting has taught me the biggest lesson I have ever learned my whole life. It is that you can lead a horse to Water, but you can't make him drink it. And while you are going through all of this remember to take care of yourself.

We are here for you Cloe.

PS I did not vote, it's a personal choice. I used tough love with my kids but it was only after trying everything else first.

[CLOE 0]

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

My daughters guidance office called me today, to tell me that they were calling my daughter down to talk to her about her attendence and guess what, SHE WASN'T THERE!!!!! So now we have to take her car keys away tonight, I'm sure she'll be thrilled. I actually called her boyfriend to tell him that she was going to be in trouble and he was even mad when he heard, so I think I have him on board too. So that's good. Why are teens so DUMB!!!

Thank you to all for letting me air my dirty laundry. It actually helps to talk to people who've been threw it, as a parent or as a teen! , Thanks!!

[Woodys 0]

My oldest stepson moved with us from Mississauga to Fenelon Falls (2 hours n/e of Toronto, small village in the country). He wanted to finish his last 3 years of highschool in a small town environment. He had a learning disability and while in the big city his Mom had him enrolled in special ed....he hated it. We were confident enough that he would survive quite well taking regular courses and went to bat for him to be enrolled in those courses here.

2 years later he met a girl that was one grade ahead of him. Up until that point he was coping very well with the regular courses and getting above average grades. Then....once he started to hang out with the g-friend that all changed. She graduated one year before him and decided that she was going back to the big city to live with her Mom. Ben decided that he was going to follow her and not finish high school....they were going to get an apt, he was getting a job, etc, etc.

It didn't matter what his Dad and I said to him, he just wouldn't listen. He became very disrespectful and it got to the point that he disrupted our entire household...I didn't really want him around any longer....he took away what ever harmony and order we had in our family, he was horrible to his Dad which I would not accept at all....and his attitude towards me changed dramatically.

His Dad and I decided that he had no sense of reality and that maybe he needed to hit rock bottom to realize that it isn't all that easy out there in the real world.

So...off he went to the big city, followed the girlfriend.....it lasted 2 months....he hated that she had other friends and some of her time was spent with them, he hated that she worked full time to help pay the bills while he worked 2 days a week and sat on the computer for the other 5.....blah blah blah. He ended up in a rooming house for men that he hated even more.......roaches, loud music, alcoholics.....and more....he begged to come home!

At first we said no....we didn't want to make it that easy for him....then he would get the sense that anytime he was in a bind we would quickly bail him out. We told him to go get a better job.....the more money, the better the place he would be able to rent.

He hated us for a while.....but now....5 years later he has a full time job as a security guard, has taken part time courses to get his HS diploma, and is now enrolled part time in Culinary School to get his Chef Training Certificate like his Dad. He knows the meaning of responsibility and reality now.

Carol