Today when I got home from work I was catching up on some things and my husband walks in the room flipping through the Soma catalog that had come in the mail today. For those not familiar, Soma is a lingerie/intimates store. Very classy, practical, yet sexy - and they have THE MOST comfy (yet cute) undies you'll ever find in your life! Of course I haven't been able to fit into their stuff for at least 6-9 months. Sigh...

Anyway, he hasn't talked much about my upcoming surgery other than the fact that he's very nervous about it. So today he comes and sits down next to me with the Soma catalog and tells me he can't wait for me to get back into wearing stuff like that again. Then I thought about it and realized he's right. I'm 34 years old and I've been wearing nothing but high waisted cotton granny panties and sports bras (because that's all that fit me now) for close to a year. Ugh. I lost about 40lbs last year (with at least another 60-75 left to go) , but gained it all back plus 30lbs this year, sizing me out of pretty much all of my undergarments and 85% of my clothes. Double ugh.

For me it was an interesting little peek into how my confidence issues due to my weight affect the people I love the most. We've been together 11.5 years, started dating when I was overweight, and I've yo-yo'd up and down ever since. He has never made a negative comment about my weight/appearance, but on the contrary has reaffirmed over and over again how beautiful and sexy he thinks I am - no matter how much I weigh. This past year brought me to a weight I've never seen before and it's squashed every bit of confidence (albeit small) that I could ever manage to muster. I don't even bother trying to look decent anymore. I wear whatever I can fit on my body (which isn't much anymore, and it's definitely not anything cute), throw my hair up so it's out of my face, and go about my day. Sometimes I forget that I'm not the only person who looks at me every day.

His comment made me feel very hopeful and excited. Excited to get back into wearing things that make me feel sexy and confident again. Hopeful to know that even though my husband has loved me and found me completely and equally hot at 162lbs and 280lbs (not necessarily in that order!), that I can finally believe it when he says that I'm mind-blowingly gorgeous to him.

My surgery day can't come quick enough!

Isn't it wonderful to have a man that way?!

My husband has told me I am still beautiful and sexy to him! I love hearing it... sometimes...

Other times he tells me to make me feel better when I am beating myself up. Then my mean streak comes out and I ask him "how can you love someone that looks like this?" (Over the last 12 years he has watched me go up and down)

It is in that moment I know he has not given up on me when I have given up on myself.

I wish you the best in your journey. God knows we need this to feel our sexy selves and see our self the way our husbands see us!!!