female only Relationship Troubles

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

So I'm engaged and my fiancé and I have been together for over two years now. We've even flown to Europe to meet my family together, we have a ridiculously expensive trip to Antarctica booked this fall, we've lived together for over a year now, etc. But lately I find I'm not attracted to him at all. There are, naturally, some things about him that irritate me, like complete lack of desire to improve his health while constantly complaining about falling apart and what not, but really, the biggest worry to me is that he basically disgusts me physically.

I went through a stage where I had no sex drive, so of course, I was not terribly attracted to him then, but now I'm finding that I'm getting lots of crushes on literally every other guy who comes in my vicinity, yet I still have no interest in him. The fact that he's not the greatest in bed does not help.

At the same time, I enjoy his company, he has a good sense of humor, and as a person, I definitely like him. But lately I'm constantly thinking about breaking up with him. He's been constantly texting me that he loves me, and I realized I get very annoyed when I get these messages.

The difficult part is that he's completely obsessed with me and I have no idea how to handle this. He's a very anxious, high-strung person who doesn't deal well with stress. Last year I told him I was thinking that maybe we could move to a different province after I graduate and he inmediately started crying and throwing up.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know what exactly I'm looking for by posting here. Thoughts?

[Navelbunnie 13]

It sounds like you don't think he's a bad person but you're ready to move on.

It's great that you're reflecting on this before you tie the knot. It's obviously hard since you're so intertwined with him now and if you want to make it work, therapy can be really helpful. However, based on what you've said here, you seem to be ready for a new (more single) chapter in your journey.

[5DoxieMom 87]

From my experience, if you don't really love someone today, you'll have a hard time even liking them tomorrow. The little things that irritate you can build into full blown resentment, and that can be toxic to a relationship. You need to get professional help to work through this, or move on. Best of luck to you.

[Star1221 270]

it just looks like you want to vent. You know this is the perfect place. With that being said, it appears you've reach a relationship "stall". It seems like with everything you've been through to improve yourself, you kinda hoped he'd take suit. Which is fine. This should've maybe been talked about sooner but that's in the past. You are not the same person you were 2 years ago and he is. So this is normal what you're feeling. Usually I would ask if it's worth fighting for, but if you were to read your post from a noninvolved standpoint, you'll know exactly what you're saying. This is your life. Do what makes you happy. That's the only advice anyone can give you.

[ThinningMike 5]

Well, you posted... So I'll throw in my 2 cents....

I'm sorry that you are having these feelings for someone that you obviously cared very deeply for at some point in time. But if you are having them it is better that you deal with them now rather than after getting married and possibly starting a life together.

I'm a new sleever, but I do know that the decision to get the sleeve was a decision to change my life completely. Not just my physical well being, but to discover who I am after i've dealt with some of the emotional and psychological baggage that I've used food and my weight to hide behind for most of my life. I think it's perfectly natural for us to have some changes in our personality and outlook on life as we make this journey. In your case, if you have decided that this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you should be honest with yourself and him. It is the only fair way to handle it.

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

In my professional opinion, it is time to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. On of the issues that is on the table right now is that if your not physically attracted to him, meaning you get get aroused by looking, that's a complete deficit. If when you first met and you experienced that arousal, then that's a plus. If you have never had that arousal by sight in the beginning, you will not experience that now. However, I do hear that you are kind of repulsed by his inability to take care of himself. Tell him that this is a deal breaker for you. See if he gets motivated and starts to take better care of himself. I get repulsed by my hubby's eating large quantities of food which affects his diabetes. I keep telling him to eat less and I bug him about his blood sugar levels. I even have him go walking with me when he can.

One of the things I highly recommend is that you talk with him about going to some kind of counseling to help address these issues. They will not disappear on there own. This is a tough decision to make, but without the proper help, your relationship with him will end. If you have any questions you are welcome to PM me and I will do my best to answer them. Relationships are the most difficult to keep going. Hang in there, you have done a great job taking care of yourself.

[Misstxdiva 73]

So I'm engaged and my fiancé and I have been together for over two years now. We've even flown to Europe to meet my family together' date=' we have a ridiculously expensive trip to Antarctica booked this fall, we've lived together for over a year now, etc. But lately I find I'm not attracted to him at all. There are, naturally, some things about him that irritate me, like complete lack of desire to improve his health while constantly complaining about falling apart and what not, but really, the biggest worry to me is that he basically disgusts me physically.

I went through a stage where I had no sex drive, so of course, I was not terribly attracted to him then, but now I'm finding that I'm getting lots of crushes on literally every other guy who comes in my vicinity, yet I still have no interest in him. The fact that he's not the greatest in bed does not help.

At the same time, I enjoy his company, he has a good sense of humor, and as a person, I definitely like him. But lately I'm constantly thinking about breaking up with him. He's been constantly texting me that he loves me, and I realized I get very annoyed when I get these messages.

The difficult part is that he's completely obsessed with me and I have no idea how to handle this. He's a very anxious, high-strung person who doesn't deal well with stress. Last year I told him I was thinking that maybe we could move to a different province after I graduate and he inmediately started crying and throwing up.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know what exactly I'm looking for by posting here. Thoughts?[/quote']

If you aren't happy you need to tell him. Better to do it now then days before the wedding or even after it. As for his reactions to stress, I say it's bit dramatic but everyone handles their feelings differently. You just have to sit him down and tell him how you feel. Don't let his dramatic reaction suck you back in. Both parties deserve to be happy. As for the trip this fall is it possible to cancel? Did you purchase travel insurance with it? I travel worldwide a lot so I've had some experience with travel and canceling. If you can't cancel I say still go and don't let him ruin the once in a lifetime opportunity to Anarctica by being awkward after the break up. Good luck and hope everything works out for you.

Sent from my iPhone using VST

[chitowngirl 886]

Oh... Relationships are hard. Living with someone is even harder. First I'd ask myself if I was ever in love with this person and if I ever found him attractive. I tend to feel like I went along with relationships, because I didnt know how or when to stop. When you think about your long term future lets say 5-10 years from now, is he part if it. Also I tend to be very straight up wig my husband, if he does something that pisses me off or grosses me out, or just makes me unhappy in general, I tell him very bluntly and matter of fact. Men really need bluntness, they do t get hints no matter how in your face they are. So let's say about his health, next time he complains about it, I would tell my husband hey either do something about it or shut up. I know it's mean, but hey when the **** hits the fan, he can't say I didn't tell him. So my advice is to be honest with him. I also have told my husband that he needed to step it up, because I wasn't happy. My husband does get pissed but I don't wait until we are in an argument or anything, I don't yell, I just say it. 95% of the time my husband steps it up. I hope this helps.

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

Yeah, I'm really bummed by the fact that we have this trip coming up. We already put down our deposits and booked plane tickets, so we'd be out like $3000 each if we cancelled. I don't really have 3 grand to just throw away. To be honest, since we aren't necessarily having any sort of acute problems, I would be completely fine waiting until after our trip in November to figure things out....but he's determined to actually get married in Antarctica, which is a big problem. All he does all day is talk about how he can't wait to get married, how we're going to be together forever, etc.

It's a nightmare, I feel like a terrible person.

I would be happy if this were an open relationship and I could see someone on the side, but he definitely wouldn't be ok with that, as he's rather insecure. Interestingly, though, despite him being very insecure, he adamantly refuses to work on his weaknesses (e.g. having a bodyfat of 35% despite not even being overweight). Instead, he just trashes the people at my gym for being "meatheads" if they are guys or "looking like dudes" if they are female. I've definitely touched on the topic of looks and fitness with him before, and he gets upset and/or starts mocking me for being a hypocrite because I had WLS. I've tried to get him hooked on working out, it just isn't happening. I'm not gonna lie, his body is a turnoff to me. Oh, and to answer a question that was raised in a number of replies above, I was not terribly attracted to him in the first place. I remember the first time we had sex, I was very disappointed, but told myself it'd get better with time. Well, it hasn't. One thing I've been telling myself since is that looks fade over time, anyway, so even if he looked like a Greek god today, 20 years from now, he wouldn't, so I've tried not to focus on that too much. But I don't know if I'm making a mistake.

This is the longest relationship I've been in to date, so I was wondering, for those of you who've been married for 5, 10, 15+ years....are you still physically attracted to your partner? I don't really know what's "normal."

[Star1221 270]

I have been with my husband for 15 years. We were high school sweethearts. We've been married for 10 years. Can honestly say he does still turn me on. There's up and downs, and sometimes more than others, but yes.

The open relationship that you mentioned would not work. People who this works for usually are overall happy with each other. I know this first hand. The people who try to do it to fix or cover problems, one person always gets hurt. Some people don't realize how important sex is. It's the number 2 reason for divorce.

Money is not worth your happiness. So please don't use the trip to weigh out this very important matter.

[coops 1,790]

Hiya BBJ,

I've gotta say, my heart goes out to you, really it does. This is a really tough place for you to be in right now...

I just wanted to say this: the first time I saw my husband, my heart flipped over. He was handsome, sexy, funny and flirty with great shoulders... my perfect man. We met in Crete on a '20s' holiday, I moved 150 miles 6mths after we met to be with him, got married a year to the day and that was in 1994. We were both in our early 20s getting wed.

Now, in 2012, my heart still flips over when I see him... he is still handsome, sexy funny and flirty with great shouldrs... we are best friends and lovers and he is absolutely my world. 18 yrs later, with two beautiful children, I feel the same way about him now as I did then! I can honestly say I love ALL of him, the good the bad and the ugly. Yes, there are parts that I could change, but if I did... he wouldn't be who he is...

In saying that, I am very lucky to find my soul mate... many don't and spend a life time looking...

My point? I dunno... I just feel that deep down you know that you're not happy with your partner... marriage is such a massive commitment... go with you instincts as I believe they serve you best.

Good luck my friend. *hugs*

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

The reason he is acting clingy is because he can sense that you're pullling away from him.

You really aren't being fair to him or yourself by staying with him when you no longer return his feelings. It's scary, I'm sure, to make changes. For now, you need to tell him you don't want to get married in Antartica, and aren't really sure that you're ready to get married anytime soon.

[5DoxieMom 87]

Coops and Star....you are so lucky to have found the loves of your lives. For me, I spent 18 years with a man who I thought I would learn to love. He was after all, a hard worker, ehtical, easy to get along with, and he was crazy about me.... for the first 9 or 10 years. Then the resentment started to build and we both became miserable. My point....I don't know either....except, you've got to be crazy about someone at the beginning, because it does not get easier, or better with time, if it didn't start out wonderful.

[sarsar 824]

Sounds to me like you know what you need to do. It's not fair to him to keep him hanging on when you sound like you don't really want to be with him anymore. It's not fair to you either. If you have these issues now all I can say is DO NOT GET MARRIED. Don't do it unless you are sure that you are willing to make a commitment for life. If you have questions now and there are things that repulse you about him now, they will not get better after you get married. They will get worse.

Honestly, I think you need to tell him that you are not ready to get married and will not be getting married on the trip. If you feel you still need some time then get some counseling with him and see if things can be worked out but let him know the marriage is not happening on the trip. It sounds like counseling may do him some good with his insecurities.

If you don't enjoy having sex with him now and never really did, that most likely won't change.

I have been married for almost 16 years. I can tell you that the things that bothered me about my husband before we got married bother me even more now. Some things I seriously can not stand anymore. I do love him and I made a commitment to him that I am willing to make work and he feels the same way so we both do what we need to do to try to keep each other happy. That doesn't mean that things are always wonderful. They are not, we have had really tough times. Like I said, we make it work no matter what. There were not things that I questioned about him bf we got married. I knew that he was the one I wanted to be with forever.

[mesaucedo 207]

I am going through the exact same thing. My fiance and I have been together for 3 and a half years. Something kind of just started happening in the past few months and I find myself irritated with him for no reason. He will send me a text saying he loves me or misses me (we are long distance -- only a few hours) and I will be annoyed. Like he is interrupting my day.

The thing is that I love him, he is a great guy, he has put up with my family problems, my crazy mother, and has always been there for me. But I am so bored and annoyed. I find myself flirting with coworkers and wishing I didn't have him.

What makes it worse is that he can sense it and always makes comments like, "When you get skinny you are going to leave me for someone more attractive". The thing is, even though he is overweight, I am very much physically attracted to him. But that is all there is lately. Every time he opens his mouth I feel like I want to hit him (ok, more like just sheer annoyance).

BBJ, if you figure it out, let me know. I am sorry you are in this situation too. I feel so confused.