Ehrm… I am definitely not one of those guys who is fond of sharing intimate details on the Internet, especially when its fundamental goal is a lack of privacy. But I am here, because I am so scared of this surgery and have a pretty limited support structure. Hopefully opening up here will let everyone know who I am and where I’m coming from in terms of this surgery.

Basically my story is … I am a fat guy. Of course all of my friends and family like to use terms like big-boned,fluffy, squishy, stout, and my personal favorite full-bodied (makes me soundlike a wine). My fiancé likes to say there is “more of me to love” and I am her “big teddy bear”. I tell everyone that I am fat; I’m not ashamed of it.

This fat man started his journey as a fat kid, a roly-poly chubby cheeked fat kid; and I loved it. I never had a problem with being picked on, fat kids are funny and I knew how to box. I also did all right with the ladies, not as good as my friends, and I had to work a bit harder… but good enough for me. Fast-forward to age 22, and I realize being fat is a lot of stress on your body. My joints started hurting, my BP started rising, and little brownbear had trouble finishing. So I got on an organic vegetarian diet and lost about 30 lbs… leading to me crouched over the fridge eating a pound and ahalf of Canadian bacon at 2:30 in the morning. I then tried weight watchers, jenny Craig, Atkins, and pretty much everything else. I’ve lost over 100 pounds and gained back over 150. I am now a 300lb 25-year-old assistant professor who is scheduled for VSG on the 27^th of December and sh*t-scared.

My obvious fear is dying on the operating table. But I think a deeper and much stronger fear is that this surgery will ruin my long running relationship with food. I love food. Food has always been there for me: in kindergarten, when I gave Stephanie Miller my cupcake and got a kiss on the cheek in return; tacos on my tenth birthday when I got hit by a car; lo-mien when my aunt died of breast cancer in 7^th grade; burgers when I fell in love with Kelli Moreno freshman year, and half a cheesecake when she broke my heart junior year. Food has been with me through high school, college, grad school, and my dissertation. And I am so afraid of losing it. And I know this makes me sound like a total lard ass.

My support system for this surgery consists of three people with varying opinions : my mom, my dad, and my baby sister. My mom’s support is unconditional, she would support me in any decision I made. My sister is supportive and a bit jealous, probably because she spends so much time trying to stay in those size 2 mini-skirts. My dad is … less than thrilled, more like disappointed. The first thing my dad did after I suggested this is call me a coward. He said that a real man can handle his problems without resorting to shortcuts. To be honest, he brings up a good point. How can I tell my students to struggle and work hard when I am cheating? As you can see, my dad really knows how to get to me.

I guess you’re asking why I am doing this surgery if I have so many doubts? Well my trigger was when my fiancé dumped me (I know technically she is no longer my fiancé, but I refuse to call her anything else). Now I know what you’re thinking, she did not dump me because I was too fat…. Well at least I choose to believe that. Jill was diagnosed with lupus at the tender age of twelve years old, and has spent the last ten years in and out of Doctors offices. She and her folks are hesitant to settle down with an “obese” individual who has an increased risk for medical issues. So even though love is blind, it prefers a BMI under 28.

Thatis the main reason that no one else knows about this surgery and no one will. I know her family would never approve, and don’t want this surgery to be a barrier. I refuse to be known as the fat guy who needed surgery to stay healthy, even though that is the obvious truth. I am not sure what I am going to tell everyone when they notice the changein my sizes, both portion and waist, but I’ve got a few ideas.

I’m thinking of telling everyone that I had a bleeding ulcer that had to be removed. It has the benefit of showing the exact same post-operational symptoms and explaining my weight loss and portion size. I feel like a jackass for doing this, but I am determined not to let Jill’s family know I had WLS.

Hi Brownbear

I just wanted to say I think you are making the right decsion. I was like you, I was SO freakin scared. I just kept getting on this site and looking at everyones amazing results and their before and after pics and that gave me the strength to go through with it. I had my surgery Nov 16 and for almost 3 weeks after surgery I thought it was great. I had no regrets. Then I faced some rare complecations. I couldn't keep anything down, not even a sip, and I had horrific pain in my abdomen. I went to the ER and found out I had a blood clot and pancreatitus. I was in the hospital for 9 days. I have to be on blood thinners for at least 6 months and will have numerous DR visits, blood work and other tests to come. I am not telling you this to scare you at all, more just to make you aware that most likely, you.. like most people, will not have any complecations at all.. but there is always that tiny chance. I want you to know that if it happens you WILL get through it. I've spent the last couple weeks down and depressed regreting this whole thing, but this morning I thought to myself I can either cry about it or be tough and face it and make the best out of it. So that's what I'm going to do. So just trust in your Doctors and try not to stress too much. I'm confident you will do just fine.

And good choice using the "ulcer" problem as your cover... That's what I told everyone at work. I said I had peptic ulcer disease. It worked out perfect because I blamed that for my preop diet and everything. I almost went with having my gallbladder removed, but I'm glad I didn't because I may have to actually have it removed someday!

Keep thinking of how great you will feel once you lose that weight. On the day of my surgery (Nov 16) I weighed 260!! Most I ever weighed in my life.. now I weigh 227! I've lost 33 lbs in 5 weeks. My old jeans just fall off of me!

Good luck to you!

Kelli

First, I'd like to say thank you. I posted this thing yesterday, and already have so much support. It's pretty amazing. As the day gets closer, I'm feeling a little bit more confident. The results of all my tests seem ok, so I'm gonna go drop off my $ 15,000 cashier's check tommorrow, a down payment on skinny me.

@bilka - I'm definitely going to start attending my doctors VSG group, of course their next meeting is post surgery.

@Tiffykins - thanks for your response. I've read many of your posts and they were one of the reasons I really got on board with VSG instead of the band. I am also surprised by such a prompt reply, you're a veteran. Thanks for sticking on the forum to help us newbies

@ Lila21 - MFA? really... thanks for the compliment. I've got a PhD in polymer chemistry... and the only thing I write is technical papers and they're not very good.

@mbridgeman27 - I'm sorry to hear about your marital woes. It kinda sucks that food takes so much away from us.

@Flygirl - Thanks that was one of the things I was really worried about.

Brown Bear: I just finished reading your post and all of the wonderful posts that others left for you as well. We are all in this together. . .all of us have gone through similar feelings and relationships with food. Monday will be my 3 month *sleevaversary* and I cannot believe the difference this surgery has made in my life. My relationship with food as totally changed. It just happens. Once you realize you can't eat very much, pretty soon your brain gets on board too. Thanksgiving was really scary for me because I have historically been able to consume a tremendous amount of food on that day. But this year, I took a small spoonful of everything I wanted and put it on my plate. My hubby said "that's alot of food for you, are you going to be ok?" I ate slowly and over the course of about 2 hours was able to have everything I wanted - but it was a tiny fraction of what I would have normally eaten - it was just more than the 2-3 oz he was used to seeing me eat. It was fine and I was "Thanksgiving full" just like everyone else. Thanksgiving finally made me realize that I was really going to be ok with food. It's been an amazing journey and I feel so in control now - not like before when I would overeat and then think "what have I done to myself?".

I am so utterly thrilled with my sleeve (and I had a really tough first two weeks) that everytime I see someone that is overweight I want to tell them about the sleeve!(I don't, of course, but I sure want to!)

I have been battling weight all my life . . . I would have given anything to be able to have this done at 25 instead of 57 :-)

Keep in touch with all of us and let us know how your surgery goes! You'll be so excited once you are on the other side! I promise!