Food issues, now in reverse.

thinoneday · October 2, 2009

"that be damned if I mess up.". Thinoneday, I can see from your dogged determination that once you have set your mind to have this surgery and walk this journey, you will do an outstanding job at it, and will be very, very successful. I don't think you will sabotage your success, not with the motivation that you seem to have. Chill...take one day at a time and you'll do great!

Yes, I'm one of those type AAA people who HAVE to be a perfectionist with everything, (However, I couldn't ever walk on water! hehehe) sometimes I don't think the word "chill" is in my vocabulary! hehehe. . . I take a bunch of Vitamins especially the B's to help me calm a bit, but nope, I'm just plain nutty. . . :svengo: sometimes it's good, but sometimes it's really irratating especially to those who aren't type A's. . .but I'm fun and a nice person to be around. . . I'm just really, really hard on myself. . unfortunately my 19 year old daughter is like her mom, hardcore on herself. Any how I'll let everyone know how it goes. I really like this forum, I'm learning a lot and even the doctor thinks that is great. . . he thinks the more you know about all this, the better it is. . . .

Malaika · October 2, 2009

Knowledge is power :svengo:

DownInSocal · October 4, 2009

SoCal - take care of yourself and be sure to stay hydrated!

HA! So funny you said this if you saw my other thread. I should be listening to all the old timers here. You guys are pros. All the newbies. Listen to the old timers. They have wisdom beyond what they realize.

Anyway. I now get to go to my therapist every week for awhile. She feels I am in danger of developing anorexia if I continue down this path. I have done a lot of soul searching and realized this crazy thinking is a direct result of feeling so out of control in so many areas of my life over the years. Mainly eating and my train wreck relationships.

Please be honest with yourself about your food issues. I see so many people (mostly other boards) who are in denial about their food issues. Most people would not be overweight if we did not use food as a drug. I need to learn to have a healthy relationship with food. This surgery will make me healthier and help my self esteem but it will NOT fix my underlying emotional problems that I can not ignore any longer.

I have never regretted this surgery. This is just one step in begining to love myself again and believe I am worth taking care of.

My assignment this week is to write an obituary to the hunger monster. You know that orange guy that sits in the back seat in that commercial? Well he is dead. There is no reason to punish myself for previous eating. Maybe I will post it here. Dunno. Might be too dumb :lol0: to share. Wonder what my therapist will have in store for me this next week? :001_unsure:

As always you guys are awesome. Love ya all. :scared0:

Malaika · October 4, 2009

SoCal - I did read your other post - before this one. Guess my words had more meaning that I thought - a little late though!

If you want to post your obituary to hunger, then do so - no one is going to think it's stupid and it may help others who are experiencing what you are going through and can't afford counseling.

Do what YOU want to do - that's what this forum is here for!

DownInSocal · October 8, 2009

So my homework was to talk about hunger mosnter. Here it is in all the glory. I can't believe I am posting this.

Hunger Monster

Originally I blamed hunger monster for overeating. He was more of an enabler than a monster. I realized after he was taken out during surgery that there was a real monster in the room that has not been removed by surgery. My own self destructive behavior. Hunger monster was really the scapegoat and did the bidding for destructive monster. Unfortunately destructive monster is not dead. He is stubborn and hides. He pops up at bad times and causes my thought patterns to be destructive, like not sticking to my diet plan after surgery and starving myself. He does not want me to abuse others. Only myself. He tells me how I don?t matter so it is ok. If I was just skinnier, or just prettier, or just smarter, or just not such a screw up, or??

Rarely in my life have I felt loved. I think this is why destructive monster lives with me. My father committed suicide when I was 9. I have always felt he did not love me enough to stay and be a father. I often think of the desperation he felt in his final hours and minutes. What a terrible place to be. My mother while a wonderful person has mental issues. She is a fantastic, caring, good, on top of her game nurse but her personal life is a disaster. She wandered in and out of my life as a child. I always felt abandoned by both parents. She didn?t even take me after my dad died because of her issues. The person who did take me in after he died was mentally and physically abusive. The man I met as a teenager and later married was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I guess I stayed because I didn?t realize it was abuse and did not value myself enough to stand up for myself. I left one day with a restraining order and what I could fit in my car. At 28 my entire life could be summed up to what fit into a compact car. How said is that? I felt like a total failure and many times still do. Destructive monster was in full control the first year I left my ex in so many ways. All of my romantic relationships, except my current wonderful loving marriage, have been abusive. The only reason my current relationship is not a mess is because my wonderful husband won?t let it be. He never gives up on me. He always stands by me. He really loves me. Sometimes I feel like he is the only one in my life that has really loved me.

While surgery removed hunger monster I need to deal with destructive monster on my own. No surgery will fix him. I just have to learn to love myself so there is no room for him anymore.

I tell other women to love themselves. I tell them they are worth not being abused. I encourage them to get help and leave. Now if I could just stop abusing myself maybe I could break the full cycle, not just a small part of it. See all those years I took abuse there were two people abusing me: my spouse and myself.

carolyn24seven · October 8, 2009

sign me up for the cruise. It needs to be next fall though, I won't be thin enough until then. Seriously, you should get some meds for the anxiety . It is just temporary and sounds like you need some help. Age is a factor. When I was younger, I had no fear and could NOT understand people who did. Now I am older and much wiser about all the issues one can have. It does alter your thinking. Go see a therapist and get some help you are not a wimp or weak or any of thoes negative terms. You did a very brave thing for yourself. get that chin up and give yourself a hug. You deserve it. I am behind you 100%

thinoneday · October 9, 2009

So my homework was to talk about hunger mosnter. Here it is in all the glory. I can't believe I am posting this.
Hunger Monster

Originally I blamed hunger monster for overeating. He was more of an enabler than a monster. I realized after he was taken out during surgery that there was a real monster in the room that has not been removed by surgery. My own self destructive behavior. Hunger monster was really the scapegoat and did the bidding for destructive monster. Unfortunately destructive monster is not dead. He is stubborn and hides. He pops up at bad times and causes my thought patterns to be destructive, like not sticking to my diet plan after surgery and starving myself. He does not want me to abuse others. Only myself. He tells me how I don?t matter so it is ok. If I was just skinnier, or just prettier, or just smarter, or just not such a screw up, or??

Rarely in my life have I felt loved. I think this is why destructive monster lives with me. My father committed suicide when I was 9. I have always felt he did not love me enough to stay and be a father. I often think of the desperation he felt in his final hours and minutes. What a terrible place to be. My mother while a wonderful person has mental issues. She is a fantastic, caring, good, on top of her game nurse but her personal life is a disaster. She wandered in and out of my life as a child. I always felt abandoned by both parents. She didn?t even take me after my dad died because of her issues. The person who did take me in after he died was mentally and physically abusive. The man I met as a teenager and later married was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I guess I stayed because I didn?t realize it was abuse and did not value myself enough to stand up for myself. I left one day with a restraining order and what I could fit in my car. At 28 my entire life could be summed up to what fit into a compact car. How said is that? I felt like a total failure and many times still do. Destructive monster was in full control the first year I left my ex in so many ways. All of my romantic relationships, except my current wonderful loving marriage, have been abusive. The only reason my current relationship is not a mess is because my wonderful husband won?t let it be. He never gives up on me. He always stands by me. He really loves me. Sometimes I feel like he is the only one in my life that has really loved me.

While surgery removed hunger monster I need to deal with destructive monster on my own. No surgery will fix him. I just have to learn to love myself so there is no room for him anymore.

I tell other women to love themselves. I tell them they are worth not being abused. I encourage them to get help and leave. Now if I could just stop abusing myself maybe I could break the full cycle, not just a small part of it. See all those years I took abuse there were two people abusing me: my spouse and myself.

Socal, my heart tugged at your story. . .that destructive monster needs to go my friend. . it lived in me for a long time when I was younger. . .it was terrible it made me feel exactly the same way it made you feel. . .but one day i couldn't do it anymore and made a pack with myself to kill that damn monster and I did, I killed it . . .there are days that it tries to surface but I don't let it. I feel so badly for those who are riddled with this evil demon, I can completely relate to the tears that flow, the pain that accompanies it, the feelings of worthlessness. God bless you and all those like us, but together we can overcome and live the lives we deserve, we are all important, we are all people who deserve love, dignity, and respect, we are women and we will prevail. . . Without us there would be no one. Be strong my friend, be strong!