Spouse is NOT on board.....

[manda81305 24]

Hello All:

I was wondering if anyone else out there had a spouse/partner that was not on board with your WLS decision? I have been battling with my husband for the last year over this. At first I was supposed to be sleeved - but after 8 months of vile arguing, I conceeded to try the band instead. I finally told my husband either he keeps his comments to himself and deal with my decision or I walk. I cannot possibly be the only person out there that had to deal with such aggrevation......am I? Im not sure he's worried I'll leave him once I lose weight or what. Its so frustrating.

I am scheduled to be banded in 10/17 - finally.

[CHEZNOEL 4,061]

Best wishes, just know that it will be tough unless he comes around. His support can be really important. Do what you know is right for you!

[Toddy 758]

CHEZNOEL is right, this would be hard to do without support. You really need him to be honest about his reasons against wls and try to address his concerns. Maybe some joint counseling will help you both deal with what's to come.

[tlbutler 98]

What are the reasons your husband has for not wanting you to have the wls?? Have you gone to any support meetings and offered to have him come along? Has he come with you to any appointments or spoke with the doctor/staff to voice his concerns?? If he is so strongly against it (he must have valid reasons) and won't support you, is your marriage strong enough to survive you going through with being banded?? Who is going to support you before and after the banding??

[manda81305 24]

This wole downward spiral started when we joined the gym. He was all on board for this, we even decided together that the sleeve was the best choice for me, etc. So the day we joined the gym, stupid me opened my mouth when they asked, "Why are we joining" I said I was having bariatric surgery and it was doctor's orders to start getting into a habbit of working out......WELL - the juice-head behind the counter felt he had to weigh in and pulled us aside. He went on this whole tangent about how I didn't need surgery, that all I needed was a trainer, a diet, and a good workout plan. The VERY NEXT MORNING - my husband wakes up and out of nowhere, tells me he has a bad feeling about the surgery and its been all downhill from there. I could kill this kid at the gym!

I was successful on Weight Watchers losing about 15 lbs for my wedding, but that didn't last. I tried NutriSystem for 3 days before I was just disgusted with their food. I tried a calorie counting plan with my husband and only lost about 6 lbs. He KNOWS that I have a horrendous time losing weight and keeping it off, yet he insists that diet and exercise is all I need - thanks to the bonehead at they gym (I'd prefer to compare him to a feminine hygine product, but I'll keep it lady-like) LOL

[GoingforGoal 1,734]

Without knowing your husband's concerns, my only advice is this...

You need to dig your heels in and learn to rely on yourself if you want to be successful.

His lack of support, will show itself in other ways. food sabotage, pressure to continue cooking regularly/eating out, perhaps withholding compliments and observations of wl etc. Who knows..I don't know him. But there's potential for real emotional havoc which is always a wl obstacle.

So this is about you, your commitment and staying strong.

I share this because I have similar issues and it made getting off track easy as pie. Until I did some soul searching and turned it around. I'm now at goal and it was the greatest gift I could give myself.

[lisacaron 5,075]

Manda,

This is a decision you are making for yourself, and that really does not have anything to do with your husband. We all need lots of support and you are obviously not getting that at home right now. You could of course get that from your support group as well as from this forum and friends.

I would however seriously consider looking deeper into what's going on with your husband he obviously has very strong feelings that have changed your course of action once before. If this were to keep up, it can cause hard feelings and upset on both sides as you will be resentful, and so might he thus impacting the relationship in a negative way.

If your surgeon's group has a therapist it might be good to bring your husband in for an open discussion with you. So he can address what might just be fear of the unknown, and what sounds like some insecurity on his end.

What I have learned is that this decision is a personal one, you are the one that must commit to the band, and it is very much like a marriage, including the ring around your tummy!

Support from loved ones and family is always great but sometimes we have to think of our own well being and make the decision to move forward or not based on what's best for us. The best we can do for family and loved ones is to help them understand our decisions.

Best of luck on your decision and your journey.

[Sharpie 3,306]

Manda this is a common problem I think with weight loss surgery patients.. sometimes your relationship is already having issues prior to weight loss.. It's usually your partner's insecurity that rears it's ugly head.. or jelousy which is one in the same .. You have to be happy with who you are before you can make him happy.. his resistance is based on someone else's opinion the pinhead at the gym is trying to sell trainers, memberships whatever.. your guy is just looking for a reason to be difficult.. do what you feel is the best for you and let the chips fall..

[☠carolinagirl☠ 18,722]

hang in there kiddo..sorry this is happening to you....seems someones insecurity and knowledge (of not understanding what exactly WLS is) is raising its head....you do what works for you. i agree with the above post, take hub along to a doctor visit and let him ask a zillion questions (mine wrote some down and asked and he did some right before they wheeled me out for surgery).....what you are doing is getting healthy for yourself....i agree with my friend sharp, you must be happy for everyone else to be happy around you...including hub...

congrats on your upcoming surgery and going to the gym. sounds like you got a great mind set honey

[skb123 308]

I have to say I had the support of a wonderful guy friend. My husband died 3 years ago. However I had to deal with family who was not supportive. In fact I waited till the very last to tell them, one daughter I did not tell till the day before. I was getting text messages from her begging me not to have surgery right up to being taken back to pre-op! I think her fear was losing me as well since her dad passed just 3 years ago. But now I have all the support I need from my family. I had lost 176 pounds prior to getting banded and they just felt I could do it on my own, but I knew just how fast it could come back, one or two days of not paying attention and 10 pounds would come back just that fast! This was the tool I needed to complete my journey and help me to maintain what I have lost so far, I never want to go back to 421 pounds ever! My quality of life is so much better now, I can do so much more. Life is good!

[manda81305 24]

He's been to all except 2 Dr. appts with me and has asked a million questions in the interm, so he knows all of the ramifications of the surgery. I really think the guy from the gym just really got into his head, which has made my life hell for the last 11 months. My mom and bestie are on board with me and that's all I really need. If he loves me, he has to love everything about me, and that includes this surgery. I just didn't know if anyone else out there had backlash from their loved ones on their surgery decision, turns out I am NOT alone.....<3

[kespy74 103]

I think he will be supportive of you, once you get the surgery...I hope!!

At least you have your mmom and bestie to have your back, and if he loves you (which I'm sure he does), he'll be there too. Just keep pushing through, do what's right for you, and it will all fall in place. Best of lucj!!

[PrettyThick1 1,860]

Hello All:

I was wondering if anyone else out there had a spouse/partner that was not on board with your WLS decision? I have been battling with my husband for the last year over this. At first I was supposed to be sleeved - but after 8 months of vile arguing, I conceeded to try the band instead. I finally told my husband either he keeps his comments to himself and deal with my decision or I walk. I cannot possibly be the only person out there that had to deal with such aggrevation......am I? Im not sure he's worried I'll leave him once I lose weight or what. Its so frustrating.

I am scheduled to be banded in 10/17 - finally.

I didn't have that problem, but a friend of mine went through a similar situation. While her husband was supportive of her decision to get the sleeve, he always told her he was afraid that she was going to get "skinny" and leave him for someone else. Even though she loved him dearly and couldn't see herself doing that to him - the negative thoughts he always had eventually manifested in their marriage. He was the one that called it quits - not her. She lost all of her excess weight and he just didn't see the same woman he fell in love with. So in the end, he walked and it broke her heart. But, if someone loves you they are going to love you no matter how much you gain or lose. With that being said, I hope your love, friendship and connection to each other is strong enough to weather any storm and that he is able to embrace your changes. In the end, you have to do what you think is best for you and hope that he understands and gets on board with your decision.

[tonya49 95]

Oh I so know how frustrating it is this is the story of my life my husband was truly against me getting WLS. What I did was take in to several seminar so he could get an complete understanding of the the sugary entails and why people get WLS from a third party it help almost a year out he came a long way still calming some hills him,not understanding why I have to work out 5 days a week and even when I go to get adjustments he often disagrees but I always explain that I need to do this for myself. Now 98lbs down this is one of the best things I've done for myself I think educating your husband and reinforcing that your doing this for your health and let him know how important it is that he support you will go along way Good luck

[tonya49 95]

Without knowing your husband's concerns' date=' my only advice is this...

You need to dig your heels in and learn to rely on yourself if you want to be successful.

His lack of support, will show itself in other ways. food sabotage, pressure to continue cooking regularly/eating out, perhaps withholding compliments and observations of wl etc. Who knows..I don't know him. But there's potential for real emotional havoc which is always a wl obstacle.

So this is about you, your commitment and staying strong.

I share this because I have similar issues and it made getting off track easy as pie. Until I did some soul searching and turned it around. I'm now at goal and it was the greatest gift I could give myself.

<img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />[/quote']

I so agree my husband loves eating out this was one of his reasons why he didn't want me to get WLS he felt my dietary changes was going to hinder that and still 10 months out I go out to eat with him way less but I make the best choices for me another thing is he refuses to go to the gym with me but states he feels negated when I leave him to go to the gym so what do I do wait until he leaves for work I learned without full support its hard but you have to almost become selfish with this journey and keep your eye on the prizes