Who am I if I'm not fat?

[Gizenhoffer 15]

So, I have surgery in about three weeks. I'm petrified of the diet, but I know that it's worth it, and I am hard worker so I'm not afraid of that and I am mildly excited about my future. My problem is that I have been the "fat girl" my entire life. Elementary school, middle school, HS, college...etc. I feel like a part of who I am is tied to my weight and without that I don't really know who I am. Does anyone else have this problem? I've never been uncomfortable in my skin, I'm not self-conscious and I have no problem being fat. My husband says it's my best quality, I don't care, I don't complain, I don't make excuses and most of all I don't limit myself because of my weight. I love me, my body and my life! My problem is that I am sick, I have diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea...blah, blah, blah. That is why I am getting the surgery, and frankly it's the only reason I am getting it. I don't want to be a skinny girl, I don't covet the super model physique, frankly it scares me a little...to be skinny with my personality is a dangerous combination. I just want to be healthy...and fat. Is this weird? Am I crazy? I don't want to do this and be miserable, but I don't want to not do this and die either. I'm doing it, that has been decided, but I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has felt like this and will it pass?

[DELETE THIS ACCOUNT! 12,703]

I definitely have/had this problem!!

I can remember being in elementary school worrying about my thighs being too fat. All through junior high and high school, I was "the big girl" or "the fat girl". I weighed over 300 pounds by the time I was 21 years old and over 400 pounds for the decade before I had Lap Band surgery.

Now I don't know if this is you, but it's an honesty moment for me: I have always come across very self confident to the outside world. I'm very talkative and have no hesitation speaking against the herd if I believe strongly in something. When someone did comment about my weight, I put them in check right quick. But the truth is? Under it all, I was mortified of my own appearance and was anything but confident in it. I just refused to admit or show it to anyone else.

Letting go of that "fat girl" identity has been hard at times but also incredibly freeing. After losing 200 pounds (and still losing), I'm still very much "me" personality wise. The only difference is now I'm also very happy, too. Currently I am healing from a tummy tuck/skin removal/and hernia repair as a result of all the lost weight. It's crazy because I'm wearing these cute little shirts in woman's size large and for the first time in about 20 years I'm not trying to hide my nasty tummy. The whole process, from the first pound lost until now, has been not only one big learning experience but a huge process of self discovery.

You will still very much be "you". You will just be a new improved you

[mrsto 2,925]

Wow, Gizenhoffer........I never really believed that anyone on earth could really be happy, fat. That is, until I read your post. And I have to say that I absolutely LOVE that you are completely comfortable in your own skin. Your post rings SO loud for me, because I've been the polar opposite my entire life. And I ALWAYS blamed it on being fat.

Since this will be your first trip down the road to thin, I would venture to say that you will have some adjusting to do. I've been very thin at different times in my life, but have always gained the "lost weight" back. Yes, it is a HUGE adjustment, and can be very confusing. The last time I was at a normal weight, it took a good 2 years for my head to catch up to my new body. People respond to you differently, and you just look and feel....different. Now, that's not to say that you aren't STILL, you. But getting your head to catch up to your new body takes some time. I'm at a place where I've been at such extreme ends of the spectrum, that my mind thinks that I'm fat AND thin. When I get there THIS time, I don't expect that I'll have the mental/emotional adjusting to do.

Try & focus on your health, instead of being skinny and looking like a supermodel. The bottom line is, that your health is really the issue, and WAY more important than wearing a size 8 (or whatever size you end up being).

Another thing that might surprise you, is when you stop eating the way you've been; eating in a way that has maintained that higher weight, a lot of emotional baggage may bubble up to the surface. Yes, a lot of people eat because they simply love eating. I think we ALL love eating. But MANY of us eat to deal with any type of emotional issue. Whether it be depressed, bored, happy, sad.....we eat simply because we "feel". It's a drug like any other, and when we stop using our "drug", all the reasons WHY we self medicate with food, come to the surface. You sound like a pretty balanced woman, which is a GOOD thing! But go in with your eyes open, and don't be surprised if you have some feelings that you've never; either felt, or dealt with before. Changing our body image is a HUGE head trip. And I have to tell you, from seeing your picture, you're going to be a knockout!

[imsunj 2]

I think that you will find that you are still you but will enjoy having a healthier life. Good luck!

[line-dancer 810]

I understand what you are saying and I did this for the same reason and I do feel a lot better and my blood surgars are way down, some meds have been cut in half and I like physical doing things easier I didn't realize how much harder is was b4. If you can do some therapy its good for everyone at any time in their lives but right now could be very enlighting. Not to worry you are not your body its a veicel to get out whats in your heart and mind and this is just a tune up. Good luck and I am sure you will do wonders for your family and the world.

[2muchfun 8,928]

Your post reminds me of another post last year:

" In my case, the most fearful thing I had to do in order to succeed with my band wasn't switching to skim milk, surviving a liquid diet, or giving up bread. The most fearful thing was giving up my emotional attachment to food. In the nearly 5 years since I was banded, I've made a lot of progress with that, but the attachment is still there. It forms one of the innermost layers of my turtle shell. Working on that layer will probably be a lifetime job for me. At times I'm not even sure I truly want to get rid of it altogether. At times I'm afraid that if I shed my shell completely, I won't be able to survive. On the other hand, I seem to be doing fine without that thick old b***h layer. So I'm going to pay attention to my dreams rather than my fears and pray for a miracle. And why not? It can't hurt to try!"

[Gizenhoffer 15]

You didn't think anyone could be happy being fat? Seriously. I guess because I've always been fat I've just accepted it over time. The smallest I've been, that I can remember, is in a size 16-18. Frankly, I loved being that "tiny" it was the perfect size for me and I stopped there but I got married, adopted some kids and I cant work out three hours a day like I did back then. Thanks for all the encouragement, I appreciate it!

[mrsto 2,925]

Maybe growing up in Los Angeles, land of the "beautiful", was in part why I couldn't (and still can't) accept myself, fat. I allowed it to hold me back from SO many aspects of life, and I never felt like I was "part of" anything; not in school, not socially, etc. Don't get me wrong, I had friends and didn't live in a cave. But I always felt more like an observer than a participant. When I lost 90 pounds 14 years ago, I really came into myself. Talk about a late bloomer!! I was 43 years old! I dated when I was in my 20s, but nothing serious. My 30s (as my weight was climbing) was a total wash; didn't date, period. I got so sick of my life as it was, and decided to do something about it. After I shed the weight (that time), I really broke out of myself. I felt SO good, I went skydiving! I met my husband, and have a wonderful life. All that being said, I allowed the weight to creep back up. I gained over 90 pounds in the last 9 years. So I find myself back in the place where no matter how great a life I have, I'm personally miserable; don't want to get dressed & go out, avoid social situations, etc. But I have to tell you, since being banded, my whole attitude has changed. I've still got quite a ways to go as far as pounds, but I feel in control of my life. I feel so much better already, and I'm hopeful.

I know people who are very heavy, and they are the most social and successful people I know. Not everyone allows their obesity to get in the way of their life. But for me, that was, and still is, the way I have it wired. At 57 years old, I don't see that changing anytime soon. I envy you......I really really do.

[☠carolinagirl☠ 18,722]

i will never be (skinny) but i will be healthy

in my eyes, there is a difference

[lellow 1,713]

I didn't expect to get skinny. I did it to be healthy. I wasn't someone who was really unhappy with being bigger - i thought i was beautiful, i dressed well and i had a great personality (if i do say so myself lol) so being dissatisfied with myself was never my motivation.

But I did get skinny. And then I realised that what I look like on the outside doesn't change who I am on the inside. I am still big hearted and kind, funny and a little nuts, opinionated, stubborn, loyal and as much ME as I was when I was big.

What changed was how people treated me an that's what I had the hardest time with getting used to. And that I can't be as 'open' with my time and affection than I used to be. But I'm still fundamentally the same person now as I was then.

The advantages I gained ARE around my health but also my lifestyle. I feel like I participate more in life than I used to just because I physically can now. Don't convince yourself you don't want to lose because i feel like you're then going to fight yourself after surgery. Lose if you can, get healthier, and look for the NEW advantages of your weight loss. Because I promise you there are many.

[It'sTime 82]

Once you start the liquid diet and the fat starts melting off, you won't be able to wait for your surgery so the rest of it can melt off too.

And then, once the co-morbidities are gone and you can stop taking all those medicines, you'll wonder why you didn't do this a long time ago.

I've been overweight 10+ years. In the last two years, I've been diagnosed with sleep apnea, high cholesterol, and had spine surgery. Diabetes and high blood pressure were probably right around the corner. I realized I had a serious problem and it was time for me to fix it.

LapBand to the rescue!

[Terry Poperszky 2,784]

Been fat since I was 6, hated every minute of it, but food was the drug that I used to feel better. Who will you be if your are not fat, I don't know and neither do you. BUT, if you do it the right way, you will never believe the person you can become. I have only lost 50% of my EW but already I am accomplishing things that I never could, and it is only going to get better.

[Terry Poperszky 2,784]

i will never be (skinny) but i will be healthy

in my eyes, there is a difference

I seem to remember a post about your hubby and a sun dress. Skinny? Maybe not, but you are going to look hot in that sun dress.

[SueBee01 630]

I am with you. I never felt bad about being fat until I was having too many health issues and couldn't walk. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I still had/have great self-esteem and always thought I looked good (lol). Now I am down 94% of my excess weight and feel great. The excess skin does bother me, though being fat didn't! Go figure! I just hope I will be able to afford to fix that some day. But the healthy part from losing weight is awesome! You will love your new body too.

[Meghudson09 1]

Had the same issue- it something that effects all of us diffrently but it is something that I still struggle with almost daily.. .I was banded in Jan, and have learned so much about myself ...

remember that is it and easy process, and there is a lot of mental factors to take into consideration! Stay positive you can do! =) Keep us posted