Why In The World Did I Let It Get This Bad

[takuwinds 81]

Donna, thanks for your post. I went through something like this but mine had a different twist. In '06 my husband left me with 2 kids and a dog. The good thing was we just got out of debt that year. But he left us one day, he came home said to me "I'm moving out". Just like that, he had his friends waiting out side to pack up his things and move him out. For months to follow I got depressed and sat in the dark with a whole coconut cream pie and diet coke and kept eating and drinking till the whole thing was gone. Yep food was my drug of choice. He would say mean things to me that made me want to die. But I got over him and he became civil to me and help me with raising our kids. Then we changed for the better and became friends. We were divorced for 2 years. And then we started dating again. I know weird! And now we want to get married again. He has beeen so supportive and took great care of me after my surgery.

Donna, God will never leave nor forsake you. He has great plans for you.

[secondchancesally 43]

Hey Donna. I'm 46 and newly divorced too. Well, not divorced but we were never legally married because we were in a same sex relationship. So we can't get a divorce despite our white wedding, two kids, business and home. My ex went a bit crazy when our family biz was struggling and did some financial things I can't forgive. Lied to me about terms of loans and bullied me to sign and threatened me with our relationship if I didn't sign. She got meaner and meaner until our home became frightening to me and to our daughter. One year ago in the midst of a screaming match I just walked out and I havnt been back. Not after surgery. Not now after hurricane sandy when I have no heat and am 2 weeks post op. adding to the challenge is that after 12 years of being a very traditional wife and mother, making a hoe, raising the kids, helping start a business, I am not entitled to a part of the home or the business we built together. We own the apartment together, but she feels that she can buy me out for a pittance because over the years she contributed more. When you are a wife the premise is that this role as value tat entitles you to a share if what you have built together. Not so in a same sex relationship. So strangely, I ENVY people who are divorced. My moms at school who totally cheated on their hubby's are in the family home with their kids getting child support and having their rent paid. I left so i get nothing except thank god, my kids half the time.

Take home message girls? Get it all in writing, don't work free thinking oh, this will help my spouse and then my spouse will take care if me/be fair to me. All my years of being a wife and a mom and I am completely starting over. Thank God I have a career to go back to. But living in NY is SO expensive and I have to stay because my kids are in school here. It as been a year of friends couches and now finally one rented room I share w my daughter. So of course it may seem nuts that the first $20k I have is spent on my self pay lap band. It seems very self indulgent. But it's just me now. I have no one to fall back on. I have to make ends meet for my kids. I have to make a better life so they can someday not have to share my bed when they come over. (It's not easy trying to get a baby and a 7 year old to go to sleep in a room you are in. ) I need to be strong and at my best. I can't have my back problems or my insecurity slowing me down.

While our relationship was far from perfect, it really wasn't scary til the end. But when I look back there was so much, like years of celibacy, that I used to say..." It's bad but its not a deal breaker". I convinced myself I was staying for my kids. The truth is it should have been a deal breaker. I should have left ages ago. I looked at my life long and hard and I realized the reason I didn't leave was my weight. I was too afraid I would never find anyone else. I allowed myself to believe that things were my fault because I was overweight. It wasn't my fault. But when I realized that my weight was my excuse for staying in a suboptimal situation, for staying in an emotionally abusive relationship, I realized the weight had to go. Because the new me is not going to put up with any ****. So it's 2 weeks post op. I'm broker than broke, I'm working like a dog. But I believe for the first time in a long time that I'm headed to a better place. For sure. And I love my lap and friends who are on this journey with me.

You are SO not alone Donna. Lets do this together. And share dating stories along the way.

[tym4me 206]

Hugs out to you...

[daisychains7 427]

Donna, I know you don't know me but I just want to tell you how proud I am of you! Your honesty is inspirational. My weight gain in the past was ALWAYS tied to emotional pain, family problems, and a lack of self esteem. I am slowly beginning to heal, and I know that you will too.

[donna12 742]

thank you daisychains7!