Spouse's Reaction to Weight Loss

sleepyjean · March 20, 2006

You've got a lot of support on the side of "this change is hard for your husband, he feels threatened, you deserve better, etc." side and I think that's totally valid. I understand that you are making an incredible transformation and your'e proud of your progress (which you should be!). I also understand that generally speaking, people don't like change.

But I'm going to play devil's advocate...

You are part of this equation. Is there a chance that your behavior is contributing to this? Did your husband give you lots of compliments before the surgery? Are you expecting behaviors from him that he did not demonstrate in the past? I think sometimes we have to accept that something that is a big big deal for us, simply isn't as important to other people, even those closest to us. Is it possible that you've become a little..."high maintenance?" Do you talk about it all the time? Do you tell him about other people's complements as way to prod him into complementing you? Do you ever complement him? Is it possible that you are so focused on what he's not doing for you, you haven't thought about maybe what you aren't doing for him? Is it possible that he's just sick of hearing about it?

The fault for disagreements is usually shared. It rarely falls 100% on one person or the other.

I'm going to borrow from PhotoNut because I can't think of any way to say it better than she did: "I'm not telling you that you don't deserve to be happy. But I am telling you that we often make big mistakes when we focus too much on what WE DESERVE.

I offer you my thoughts as a possible help to you. I don't expect you to defend yourself or even provide more personal information about your marriage. I'm not judging you, so please don't take it that way. I'm speaking from my own experiences.. if they don't apply to you, then just forget my post. Best of luck to you in this situation. I mean that sincerely."

mustang sally · March 20, 2006

My husband is the last person that can see any weight loss/gain. BTW, congrats on the weight loss :clap2: and (((hugs))) to you for the predicament you are in. My husband always says that since he sees me everyday, he cant see the difference. Good luck to you.

Ms. Vicki · March 20, 2006

Photonut:

You have brought out some strong but very true observations. I have had several friends lose a lot of weight and most divorced their husbands once the weight was gone. Why? They all said they were tired of the lack of support and they deserved something better. I agree with what they said, but did not agree with how they handled it. Be careful about throwing away so many years of life shared with another person. I am sure the spouses are feeling threatened. Let's face it, when we are heavy, not many men will look our way. Not so when we lose the excess weight. I have not lost much of my weight yet since I'm a newbie (20 lbs...180 to go), but I KNOW how flattered I'd be if a man other than my husband would give me a compliment. It's a human (woman) thing. I'm going to have to make the extra effort to assure my husband that he is the only one that matters to me. I need to make sure he KNOWS he turns me on. I need to let him know that even though others compliment me, he is my soulmate and the only one that matters to me. My vow to him and God was to love him unconditionally. That is a vow I intend to keep.

My husband has already shown concern about what my weight loss will mean to our relationship. He is already feeling threatened. Fortunately, he is very free with the compliments and has always been a great source of love and support even when I was at my heaviest. The strength of our marriage lies with our relationship with our Lord. It is not and never was a matter of physical attraction (although we ARE physically attracted to each other). My husband is 5'0" and weighs 160 lbs. I am 5'6" and at my heaviest weighed 338. Talk about an odd couple. We offer emotional support to each other and that means a lot.

Wonderkidsmom:

Please don't think I'm judgemental. Just offering some insight from my past experiance. I have been divorced and know what it's like to want "something better". It is NOT all about the weight loss. Sounds to me like you've been lacking the emotional support than you need from your husband even before your weight loss. Sit down and talk to him honestly about your concerns. Let him know how you feel. Just be VERY careful not to put him on the defensive. Try to get him to open up and let you know his fears and concerns. He may be hurting too and just has a hard time expressing it. Communication is the key. Get professional counseling if it would help (couldn't hurt). You both may have issues that need to be brought to the surface and addressed. In the end, if you both decide you can not provide what the other is needing, then maybe it would be better to go your separate ways. Just don't give up without a fight. Something attracted you to your spouse or you would not have married him. Find that spark and rekindle the flame. I wish you the very best......you deserve it.

Butterfly07 · March 20, 2006

Thanks again to everyone for all of the support and hugs, they are appreciated more than I can say.

I want to make sure however, that I am not communicating my feelings badly. If I was seriously considering this the breaking point to my marriage, I wouldn't have posted at at all, but instead consulted an attorney.

In posting I am looking for people who are in or have been in this rather unique situtation and how it affected their marriages/relationships and if their feedback could help me to understand and resolve this issue.

I do believe 21 years of marriage and 26 years together and wedding vows mean a great deal. What I am trying to get help with is understanding my husband's reactions and anger about my transformation inside as well as out.

I hope what I stated was that the emotional emptiness that he has admitted to that has been a huge problem for our entire time together, is becoming a glaring problem that I feel I can no longer ignore, now that I am finally someone who believes that I am - dare I say - entitled to emotional as well as other kinds of support. Hubby has admitted quite recently that he believes himself incapable of meeting anyone's emotional needs, including his own, and doesn't feel comfortable trying to do so. This also applies to his interactions with the children. He again refuses counseling.

So, please don't look at this thread as a plea for agreement that I should divorce, but as a plea to people who have "walked in my shoes" and can give me advice and support. My friends are the best support I have, but none of them have ever had this WLS piece to deal with. That is why I am reaching out here.

Thanks again.

Ms. Vicki · March 20, 2006

I am sorry about jumping to conclusions.I guess it stems from several friends' marriages ending in divorce after WLS. I really did hear your pain in not having the emotional support that you lack from your hubby but definitely deserve. I'm sorry he refuses to go to counseling. Sounds to me like an issue he needs to address for himself, but unfortunately it is affecting you and the kids. It would still be helpful if you went alone. Maybe it would help you deal with it and possibly could give you insight to reaching your husband so he would consider going. Until then, we are all here to support you.

Boo · March 21, 2006

It sounds like he is having serious struggles of his own. Maybe you both need some support right now!

chabutter · April 19, 2006

he is scared that he is going to lose you when you get your new body. 60 + pounds is VERY dramatic. Some men just cannot express their feelings

TheWomanWithin · April 19, 2006

In posting I am looking for people who are in or have been in this rather unique situtation and how it affected their marriages/relationships and if their feedback could help me to understand and resolve this issue

It's not as unique as you may think, alot of us have gone through this with the ups and down of weight loss, banded or not.

I have been and AM going through the same thing... I even told my DH I was not going to have my surgery because of some things that happened when I first started out researching the band 3+ months ago.

Men are a quirky sort of beings aren't they? lol sorry no offense guys, I love my husband as much I can BUT most men are the same just act out differently and vice versa with women.

Let me tell you, I do not think I could have handled the past 3 months or so without all of the support and guidance here, sometimes some harsh realities hit home with me and made me stop and think.

YOU CANNOT change your husband's point of view or anyone else's for that matter, you can only influence them and make them see things in a different light. By telling him what others are saying you are making him going into a defensive - flight, fight or flee situation.

Please please please, change YOU first - it will make a ton of difference in your relationship. Show your husband how the band and lifestyle change and changed YOU and you don't want things other than you have (this sounds like the message you are giving off)

My DH was much like yours, after I found the band, omg all I have done is talk about it - a way for me to actually live lose weight and BE HAPPY...

It sounds like you were much like me, I was trying to achieve my happiness or a certain portion thereof from my husband.

When I finally realized that (and someone told me almost the same thing in a previous post to you) I wrote him a letter told him I was sorry and I was not going to involve him again in my decisions or process - the ball was in his court and when HE was ready to ask questions or do research then I would be ready.

I made a journal and a yahoo account. I wrote down all my feelings daily and :confused: yes took pictures weekly of my progress. I am not banded due to some medical complications, but have my surgery date and have not talked to my husband again about it - only documented what I feel, what I would love to happen etc. when he is ready.

Men don't care - honestly they would rather keep us the way were are. They crave stability and when we start rocking their stable little worlds - they start getting antsy.

You might be making your husband feel jealous and feel like you are unhappy in your relationship and he is backing off so he doesn't get hurt

Find someone, anyone, to take pictures of you on your journey - or go have them done. Make a free yahoo account and go to geocities and start a weight loss journey album. You will see such a difference in a short period of time and it will HELP YOU.

If you want advice if you have lost weight, get with your support system here on LBT and let others help you.

It is so encouraging to see the before and after pictures and hear stories about each other.

Josette · April 19, 2006

so I've been reading this and even though I am not banded yet I wanted to comment. My husband is very insecure and pretty jealous, even with me at 385 pounds. I worried when I started the process of researching the band about what his reaction would be to the weightloss. I know honestly that he's probably going to flip out and try even harder to keep me close to him but that's something I'm willing to deal with to be healthy and hopefully have kids. He's being supportive of my choice but he's very scared and keeps saying to me "promise me you won't change on the inside!" because he is fearful of my leaving him once the weight is gone and he's looking at a 6'1" blonde blue eyed wife that he knows other men are looking at too. I know it'll take a LOT of reassurance on my part to make things ok, but I know we'll get through it.

Also, the whole issue about husbands paying compliments. Mine is horrible at paying compliments to me. On our wedding day everyone told me I was beautiful and a knock out and a princess except for DH! I remember right after the ceremony and during pictures I said to him "You look amazing" and his response was "thanks.. I think so too!" and my heart kind of fell because I was hoping for a compliment back. I never got one the entire day and night and it hurt for a long time and I brought it up a lot but then I realized that's just the way he is. Not all men are the complimenting kind but he makes up for it in other ways. I just get my compliments from my female friends. hahaha.

My mom always said "nobody ever said life would be easy" and she was right. Personally I believe that you can't control the way other people react, but you can control the way you react to it.

Just keep your chin up!:faint: