How Can People Who Share the Same Struggle Be So Judgmental?

[kab1278 3]

I complete understand! I was thinking the same thing this morning after reading some rude responses. Some people are so quick to display their superior knowledge about weight loss they do not even know their replies are rude. I have also noticed how people are trying to outdo each other with who knows the most about the band, calories, and freaking formulas! It's actually hilarious sometimes because if you are such an expert then why you are in the same position that I am in?

OMG! You have noticed that too? The "let me out-do the doctors with my vast knowledge" attitude?! I once asked a question about feeling stuck and how bathroom use eased the feeling. Another person responded that one had nothing to do with another because it wasn't as though you have a PVC pipe running from your mouth to your rear. I thanked him for the anatomy lesson, explaining I thought I was made of copper on the inside.

I know the comment itself isn't mean in and of itself, but his entire post was a bit uppity. I asked my husband his opinion what he thought and he agreed.

We all have stories that are the same and different all at the same time and sharing with each other is very helpful. But no one has better answers than our doctors, and we are friends here to share, support and give opinions .

Oh well. What are you going to do. I hope you don't leave Baishma (I hope I remembered your screen name correctly!).

Good luck everyone!

Kelley

[stateofzen 46]

Meanness is inexcusable, no doubt. I have, on rare occasion, seen someone post something that was really blatantly mean or rude but I do believe that is the exception in my perception.

However, we all have different personalities, and different points of view. It's a big world and I think posting on an internet message board requires a person to be a little more tolerant of how other people choose to communicate as long as they aren't blatantly mean/cruel. Let's face it-- in our offline lives, we can be friends only with people who say things the way we like to hear them (i.e. the way WE say them) and ignore people who don't match us as well. That's less possible on an open message board that has posters from all over the world.

There are lots of people who don't talk the way I wish they would (mostly they don't type it well actually, loose instead of lose, etc.). That doesn't mean they don't have anything of value to add to the conversation, nor does it mean that they are trying to be rude, obnoxious, or ignorant.

[mattie7632 24]

!!! Yeah! What she said!

I complete understand! I was thinking the same thing this morning after reading some rude responses. Some people are so quick to display their superior knowledge about weight loss they do not even know their replies are rude. I have also noticed how people are trying to outdo each other with who knows the most about the band, calories, and freaking formulas! It's actually hilarious sometimes because if you are such an expert then why you are in the same position that I am in?

[TucsonAnnie 2]

You are so right. There are several kinds of posters who respond to post from struggling posters. They are:

1) The successful, know-it-all. It worked for me because I followed all the rules. And if you follow the rules it will work for you. The band is only a tool ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

2) Those who think the poster just needs some " tough love" and they're just the ones to give it. No apologies here.

3) The stupid poster who says things like - I am so sorry you are struggling. I've never really had any problems myself. I lost 50 lbls the first month without a fill and 100 lbs. in the next three and can eat most foods but in smaller quantities.

4) The resident "doctor" who tries to explain in clinical terms how the band works and why it should work for you if you only do the right things.

And then there is the poster who actually can offer some sympathy and good advice in a way that would be well received. They offer several concrete suggestions that the poster can try. We need more of these types of posters.

Right on, Cleo's Mom!

I have only posted a few times because of all the awful things I read here, and I figured about as much. When I see something hateful or spiteful, I click the red minus button. I wish more people would.

[Humming Bird 275]

"You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!"

— Maya Angelou

"The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story..."

— Maya Angelou

"Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning."

— Maya Angelou (I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings)

"a friend may be waiting behind a stranger's face."

— Maya Angelou

"Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know, however, that people will start avaoiding you because, they, too, have knees that pain them and heads that hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way: If people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you."

— Maya Angelou

"All great achievements require time."

— Maya Angelou

"Whining is not only graceless, but it can be dangerous. It can alert a brute that a victim is in the neighborhood."

— Maya Angelou

[happiness1 1]

I agree.. some people are so rude!

[Dave_NW 92]

I think there are reasons why some posts are annoying or rude, and others that say similar things aren't taken so badly. A lot has to do with the reader, and their frame of mind when they come across a post like that. I've found that some posters who annoy the heck out of me aren't so bad on other days. I figure it's all about how I'm reading things.

As for why posts like that exist, I think it's because of the anonymous nature of forums like this. People say things on forums like ths because nobody knows them. They adopt a certain attitude or online personality, and they live up (or down) to that persona. If the same person was in a room with you, chances are good they wouldn't say things like that to your face, or at least, not in the same way.

As has been mentioned, reading a forum does not give you the option of expressing body language. And a post that may be meant to be strong, heartfelt concern easily comes across as rude and insensitive. You have to step back and take it all with a huge grain of salt.

Another point is the intelligence and communication skills of the person leaving the rude post. They may not have the vocabulary to use "softer" words to express themselves, and the phrasing they choose says something much harsher than they intended.

Now, having said all that, I've also taken to staying away from this forum for more than a cursory review every few days. I rarely post anymore because I know there isn't much I have to say that would be a new thought. There is plenty of redundancy here, and I don't need to add to the confusion. If I can offer something helpful to the OP, I'd recommend reading the forum at "arm's length," and take away the advice you need, while not taking the other posts too seriously. In the end, your goal is probably to learn what you need to know to live with your band. The social arguments and negativity don't contribute to that, so don't take it away wth you.

The one thing I think everyone here wants is for everyone to do well with their band, and to be successful with their weight loss. Everything else is just drama, emotions, nerve, moods, and bad social interaction. Focus on the right stuff, and let the other stuff go. Life is too short to let it bring you down.

Good luck!

Dave

[TucsonAnnie 2]

Right on, Cleo's Mom!

I have only posted a few times because of all the awful things I read here, and I figured about as much. When I see something hateful or spiteful, I click the red minus button. I wish more people would.

Wow. Someone read my post and hit me with a negative mark, maybe they were just trolling, maybe they didn't like that I agreed with Cleo's mom. Maybe they were just being spiteful because they are one of the hateful posters. I don't know, but it's not cool.

I just keep thinking about the post that reminds me that a child could be on this forum and we would never know it.

Think good thoughts everyone - Karma happens!

[donnalemaster 4]

I've struggled with losing weight, having only lost 20# in a little less than a year. When I posted that I was having this struggle, let me tell ya- The fingers came out pointing to me and what I was doing wrong (assumably)!!!!

Found out yesterday my PORT HAS BEEN LEAKING!!!!!! Not a single one of these people EVER suggested a band issue, rather, assuming that because their weight loss has been textbook perfect, it has to be the banded doing everything wrong.

Not all of us judge. . .that is GOD'S place and no one else's!!!! SO please don't let these individuals chase you away from here. Alot of us are here to support you!!!!!!

[donnalemaster 4]

"You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!"

— Maya Angelou

"The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story..."

— Maya Angelou

"Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning."

— Maya Angelou (I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings)

"a friend may be waiting behind a stranger's face."

— Maya Angelou

"Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know, however, that people will start avaoiding you because, they, too, have knees that pain them and heads that hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way: If people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you."

— Maya Angelou

"All great achievements require time."

— Maya Angelou

"Whining is not only graceless, but it can be dangerous. It can alert a brute that a victim is in the neighborhood."

— Maya Angelou

Maya is my FAVORITE author!!!!

[mattie7632 24]

So now what? If the port is leaking, do they have to replace it?

You are right about the judging....we never really know someone's intent. Behind a "negative" post could be a person struggling with a personal tragedy but all we see is the message board post. Leave the judging to GOD.

I've struggled with losing weight, having only lost 20# in a little less than a year. When I posted that I was having this struggle, let me tell ya- The fingers came out pointing to me and what I was doing wrong (assumably)!!!!

Found out yesterday my PORT HAS BEEN LEAKING!!!!!! Not a single one of these people EVER suggested a band issue, rather, assuming that because their weight loss has been textbook perfect, it has to be the banded doing everything wrong.

Not all of us judge. . .that is GOD'S place and no one else's!!!! SO please don't let these individuals chase you away from here. Alot of us are here to support you!!!!!!

[Cleo's Mom 257]

I've struggled with losing weight, having only lost 20# in a little less than a year. When I posted that I was having this struggle, let me tell ya- The fingers came out pointing to me and what I was doing wrong (assumably)!!!!

Found out yesterday my PORT HAS BEEN LEAKING!!!!!! Not a single one of these people EVER suggested a band issue, rather, assuming that because their weight loss has been textbook perfect, it has to be the banded doing everything wrong.

Not all of us judge. . .that is GOD'S place and no one else's!!!! SO please don't let these individuals chase you away from here. Alot of us are here to support you!!!!!!

During this time did you go to your surgeon for fills? Because he should have removed the previous fill before giving a new one and if he did this he would have found out it was leaking. If he didn't then he is at fault. The port/tubing was also at fault.

But you are absolutely right. For those for whom the band works as promoted - many tend to be big defenders of the band and almost take it personally that anyone would dare say the whole process isn't working. There are far too many of them but there are also those who actually offer good advice and suggestions. We need more of them.

[donnalemaster 4]

So now what? If the port is leaking, do they have to replace it?

You are right about the judging....we never really know someone's intent. Behind a "negative" post could be a person struggling with a personal tragedy but all we see is the message board post. Leave the judging to GOD.

Yep! They have to replace it! Waiting to hear about that one! The thing is. he removed the Fluid last time and I guess I was a cc short but nothing was said. This time I watched him pull the Fluid out(normally I don't- not an easy thing for me to watch) and I was short 3 cc's. It will get me back on the right road and that's what important but i'm not looking forward to having it replaced.

[mattie7632 24]

Oh wow I'm so sorry! That is a big fear of mine that something will go wrong and they'll have to go back in. I really, really do not like having surgery of any kind. I hope it works out and finally you get a band that works right!

Yep! They have to replace it! Waiting to hear about that one! The thing is. he removed the Fluid last time and I guess I was a cc short but nothing was said. This time I watched him pull the Fluid out(normally I don't- not an easy thing for me to watch) and I was short 3 cc's. It will get me back on the right road and that's what important but i'm not looking forward to having it replaced.

[oceangirl6 0]

right on!

I am a new lapbander and I have read numerous posts where people are sharing their personal feelings and concerns about the lap-band procedure and I've seen the most heartless responses. How can people who share in the same weight struggle be so judgmental and cruel? I myself have received some rude responses for my posts. Don't get me wrong, I know that people will be people, you have the good the bad and the down right ugly who build themselves up by putting others down. But, honestly, I thought this site would be a little more sensitive to those with weight issues. Weight issues stem from eating disorders in many cases, and these disorders aren't going to go away over night. Sometimes people make mistakes and turn to sites like this for a little encouragement. I'm sorry, but I have had my successes and I have also failed at times. And because I know I am prone to fail, I can show a little understanding to someone in their time of need. If you have responded harshly to someone who may have been crying out for help or encouragement...shame on you. If not, thank you for your kind words. You never know how your words can hurt or help someone.