serenity55

LilMissBand-aid: I really enjoyed reading your journey. I’m still waiting for a referral from my doctor. She said that if I didn’t hear anything in two weeks, I should call. I’m going to a seminar in a week, that was another setback. But your story gives me hope and makes me determined to keep going Thank you.

Thank you, mstrina27. I hate throwing up, so maybe that will help me when I get the band. I love the honesty on this site!

SHARONCRIS , yes, please let us know how things go for you. Congratulations on losing 33 pounds. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p> Deb, (great name!) I’m glad there’s someone else who’s going through what I’m experiencing, not glad that we have to deal with this, though. <o:p> </o:p> Bonbon, thank you for the words of encouragement. I know I might have to wait a long time, and I think I said somewhere else that I’m going to try to use this time to do as much soulsearching as I can, and try to get ahead of the game. I know that when it actually is time for me to be banded, I’m going to be terrified! <o:p></o:p>

Jacqui, it sounds like you are really gentle with yourself, and there’s a lesson in that for me, when I am banded, and even now. I’ll just keep on trying, even when I feel like I’m failing, which I tend to forget. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p> Maryrose, I do have a therapist, though I haven’t talked to her for quite a while because of money issues. I think it might be time to give her a call, though, I did write to her and mention possibly having the lap band procedure. Her response was that she didn’t think I needed it, but I don’t think she realizes how much I weigh. I’m going to talk to her and if she won’t understand, which I don’t think will happen, I guess I’ll need to look for someone else.

Froggie1985, I need structure, so I think that I would benefit from being on the six month nutritional journey. I think it’s wonderful that you have found things to help with the cravings It also gives me time, something I should remember now, to keep working on this struggle with food. . <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p> Lifechange1982, thank you for your honest and openness about eating the way you did. I’m really hopeful, and willing to work, if I could just know for sure I have the band as a goal to work toward—if that makes sense. <o:p> </o:p> Linksmom, your words were really helpful and give me hope. <o:p> </o:p> Again, thank you everyone.

thank you all for the replies. I needed to hear that I'm not alone. Jack, your words were, and are, very inspirational.. I can come back to this post and read all of your words, and they will help. thank you all!

Unless you’ve been through this, you couldn’t possibly understand. I’ve been posting about waiting for referrals, which gives me plenty of time to alternate between doubting myself, feeling depressed about my fat, and wanting to be banded so much I can hardly stand it. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p> So what do I do? I eat. I know it’s emotional eating, and I write about it and all the issues I have around it. I can relate to so many of the things people wrote in the thread, “Why am I fat”? <o:p></o:p> Anyway, would be very interested in hearing about people’s binges, or just everyday eating habits, before you were banded, or if, like me, you’re waiting, and are struggling with food. <o:p></o:p> Today, for example, I had two packs of doughnettes, (sp) M&M’s, (two packs) two packs of oreos, (six in a pack) and two Snickers bars. I know it’s emotional eating. I’m frustrated because nothing’s happening; I’m scared it might; I don’t feel like I’ll ever change, and I know a lot of it was from childhood, when there wasn’t always food to eat, and I’m over compensating now. But I’m looking for something to replace food, and I think having the band as a tool, and exercise, which I do halfheartedly now, might make a difference I guess I just need to know I’m not alone. .

Well, I thought about writing a poem, but I’m not coming up with anything clever right now, so I’ll just write. I’m obsessed with food. I’ve just had potatoes and eggs, and I wish I could have something sweet, but not just a small piece of cake, or five cookies. I wish I could go on a binge n have glazed doughnuts, an apple fritter, Mother’s oatmeal cookies, some pound cake, banana pudding, maybe ice cream to go with the cake Even as I’m eating something, I’m thinking of what I can have next. What is it that I want? What can replace sugar for me? I know how all this sugar effects my body, carrying an extra one hundred fifty, maybe sixty pounds. Even as I eat, I think I’m not enjoying, not savouring the food enough, and I need the taste of the sugar to be continuous, never-ending; so I fill my mouth full of the sweetness. Maybe it’s only satisfying as long as I’m eating it. Every time I hear a bag rattle I wonder what’s in it. Especially if it sounds like i could be cookies. I want to loseht, but I keep eating sweets. If I could find the key, understand what changes I need to make, how to break the cycle, if I could just read this to someone who could help me. If I can be a little ahead of the game before I know for sure if I’m elegible for the lap band … Add a cinnamon roll to the list

Well, I thought about writing a poem, but I’m not coming up with anything clever right now, so I’ll just write. I’m obsessed with food. I’ve just had potatoes and eggs, and I wish I could have something sweet, but not just a small piece of cake, or five cookies. I wish I could go on a binge n have glazed doughnuts, an apple fritter, Mother’s oatmeal cookies, some pound cake, banana pudding, maybe ice cream to go with the cake Even as I’m eating something, I’m thinking of what I can have next. What is it that I want? What can replace sugar for me? I know how all this sugar effects my body, carrying an extra one hundred fifty, maybe sixty pounds. Even as I eat, I think I’m not enjoying, not savouring the food enough, and I need the taste of the sugar to be continuous, never-ending; so I fill my mouth full of the sweetness. Maybe it’s only satisfying as long as I’m eating it. Every time I hear a bag rattle I wonder what’s in it. Especially if it sounds like i could be cookies. I want to loseht, but I keep eating sweets. If I could find the key, understand what changes I need to make, how to break the cycle, if I could just read this to someone who could help me. If I can be a little ahead of the game before I know for sure if I’m elegible for the lap band … Add a cinnamon roll to the list

Thank you, Laurinda. I know I'll be glad to have the time it takes to sort through everything, but now that I've decided that I want the band--pretty much, I want it now. bu I'm really going to try and use this time wisely, and I know it will be worth it. Thanks again. t

I’m not sure where to post this, so I’m sorry if this is the wrong place. I saw my doctor today, and she’s quite willing to write a referral letter for me. We talked about the things I’ve tried to lose weight, and I told her that I’d called my insurance company and been told that the physician’s group has only one bariatric surgeon attached to it, and he is in Fountain Valley, which is not exactly around the corner from me. I told her I wanted to go to Cedars-Sinai. (Now, I’d mentioned this to her at my last visit, and she suggested I make some phone calls.) She says that if I don’t here something in two weeks I should call her. I’m alternating between being impatient and a little scared, which I know will become a lot scared later on. So I wrote this poem, which I want to share with you. Has anyone else felt this way?. Thank you for reading this. Patience, my friend, as you travel this road, For the journey could well be a long one. It may seem that you carry a heavy load, But it’s this that will make you a strong one. While you wait, you can work through your doubts and your fears— Mine arise at least once a day. Just reach out, and you’ll find there is someone who hears The important things you have to say. Late at night is when I am most afraid, Uncertainties often set in. In the light of day, when my plans are all made, I’m ready to fight and to win. Explore every feeling, research and learn; Risks, advantages you understand. Time will speed by; it w..ill be your turn, And you will be getting your band .

Thank you all so very much. No, I haven’t heard anything from Northridge Hospital where the seminar was held. But I called Cedars-Sinai and was told that I need a referral from my primary care physician, which I saw her about, and haven’t heard anything. My best friend has the same doctor, and asked her to call me, which she hasn’t. I called to make another appointment with her just to get the darned referral! It’s so hard for me to sit at work, knowing nothing’s happening. I know I’m going to be scared of all the stuff I have to do, but I want to get started! Whenever I think of being banded, I get excited. Ariel, to answer your question, I have a screenreader called JAWS which is an acronym for Jaws Access with Speech, which reads everything on the screen to me. I also have a Braille display, but haven’t connected it yet. I started a thread called Aspects of Blindness, I think in this same forum, a couple of months ago. But if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. I carry you all with me as I try to start this journey. Big hugs to you all!

Thank you all for your support. Of course I heard nothing from the weight loss center, and I'm afraid that they will say that I wasn't registered, when I know I was. I hate confrontations but something's got to give. I want my band! Debbi

I have been registered for a seminar for three weeks. I called the weight loss center at Northridge Hospital and was told that the seminar started at six P.M. The woman I talked to took my name and phone number. A friend who usually takes me home on Mondays agreed to drop my best friend and I off at the medical complex where the seminar was being held. Last Friday, I called to find out how long it would last because neither my friend nor I drive and we need to make arrangements to be picked up by public transportation. Everything went great; my friend dropped us off, and we went in to the building. Well, we had a little trouble finding the address, but we got there on time. When we went across the parking lot, my friend commented that it looked empty. And so was the room. We found the conference room where the seminar was to be held, and no one was there. A woman came by, and when we explained what we were looking for, she said that there had been people there, but they had all just left! She told us that there was an office attached to the weight loss center, and that perhaps there might be someone there. She apologized. So we went looking, and all the offices were closed. And it even says six P.M. on their website!. Why couldn’t I have been told when I called Friday, or even been called yesterday to be told that the meeting time was changed? We had arranged for our ride to pick us up after seven-thirty, and it was only ten after six. I was so angry I was crying. I’d been waiting for so long to go to a seminar and then this happened! My friend left a message on their voice mail, and told them what had happened, adding that I am totally blind, and how it had inconvenienced us. We wound up taking a bus part of the way, and took a cab the rest of the way, because the last bus wouldn’t come for another hour. I was so mad I felt like I could just pull that whole building down!

Please don’t take this wrong, but why are you considering lying in the first place? You want to have the surgery because you want to lose weight. You are hoping to get portion control by getting the lap band. I’m just wondering if you don’t want the medical staff to know about your eating habits. And believe me, I understand. I have lied about my weight--well, I did years ago, because I was ashamed. I really don’t think they’ll judge you because of what you eat; in fact, one of the goals might be to help change habits you have-- that’s what I’m hoping for, too. Definitely, tell the truth, and good luck! Debbie

Thank you, manykids. It sounds like Cedars is a pretty good hospital to go to. Hope my insurance approves my going there. Debbie

Terri, congratulations, and good luck to you. I

Sophie, congratulations on your weight loss. I read on another post of someone who has the same HMO as I do, and they went to Cedars-Sinai. I'll go anywhere I'm sent, I guess, though I've registered for a seminar at Northridge. I just want to get things started, and I guess I have to call my doctor again, and give her a gentle nudge. Thank you for posting. I'm glad to know there are so many doctors in our area that are recommended. Debbie

Thank you French vanilla. I am going to see if insurance will approve me. And I'll check out Cedars Sinai, too. I think I'd like to go there.Or anywhere that I'm comfortable with the doctor, which is, I guess what we all want. Good luck, and let me know how things go for you. Debbie

My best friend said she thought I was "wimping out" because I want to get banded. It turns out that she was afraid, for me and for herself. I guess she thought I'd change once I start losing weight. But now she'sgoing with me to the seminar in a week. I hope your support person will come around. There are lots of wonderful people here who have given great suggestions. good luck to you. Debbie

I'm in Van Nuys, too, and haven't been banded yet. I'm going to a seminar at Northridge in a week. Let me know how you're doing, and where you are in the process. Debbie

Hello! I have just started the journey, too, and like you, I'm terrified of needles. Lately, I've found myself trying to focus on the end result. I had a hysterectomy almost six years ago, and that scared me, too, but again, like you, I came through it. I've heard that the fills aren't so bad, and I think my weight has brought me to the point of deciding between my fear of needles and gaining more. So, yes, I'm still scared, but I'm going to come here and talk, and take one step at a time. This is a great place for support, and I haven't even done anything yet. Good luck and keep posting! Debbie

Thursday, April 17, 2008. So how important is this to me, really? I saw my doctor, and I don't know what I was expecting, but I didn't get it. I guess I was hoping she'd submit a referral for the surgery. What she said was that she wasn't sure how much Pacificare would pay for, that she could refer me to surgeons but she didn't think anyone at the medical center where I see her had experience with bariatric surgery, and we both agreed that it would be best to have someone who knew what they were doing. It's not that she wasn't supportive, but she wasn't as happy as I thought she would be, and she was the one who brought it up during my last visit. She did agree that it might be the best way for me to go, but she also encouraged me to talk to my therapist about behavioral modification. I almost feel that she wants me to try other things before I decide on the lap band or maybe she'd rather I do something else altogether. It just seems like she should be more involved, to me. I told her about going to OA, but not my entire weight loss struggle, or journey, or whatever you'd call it. Maybe she can only submit requests to my IPA, maybe it's because I'm scared, and that's why I'm letting her reaction bother me. I don't know how to explain to someone who's never been there, that I need something that's going to give me portion control. Sometimes, yes, I can have a piece of something, but most of the time that ain't hapenin. Chewing gum, drinking water, not buying the stuff doesn't work with, as my doctor said, any consistency. I feel like just giving up. All this time I've been researching, and now--just like that!--I give up? Did I really want it? I felt some excitement, and hope, too. I was seeing myself thin. I have the names of two doctors, one has been banded, the other, I know, offers free seminars. I wrote down the address and phone numbers. I just assume Pacificare won't pay. Do I want to? What a sorry son of a bitch I am! I went to the vending machine at work, because I just had to have something sweet. Thinking I'd bought three packages of Oreos, and it turned out I had three packages of corn nuts! One of my co workers bought them from me because she loves them, and I got my Oreos, but jeeze! what atrip! I've just eaten two. It's no problem for me to eat twelve cookies just like that! There's a song by a singer-songwriter with the title, "Look Within." I know as I'm crunching down on those suckers that even though they taste good, I'm trying to erase feelings? Looking for instant gratification? I guess I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. Sometimes I want to scream. I wish I could be satisfied with one cookie, or a piece of cake or pie. Well, I'm still going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Something just won't let me do otherwise. Debbie

Thursday, April 17, 2008. So how important is this to me, really? I saw my doctor, and I don't know what I was expecting, but I didn't get it. I guess I was hoping she'd submit a referral for the surgery. What she said was that she wasn't sure how much Pacificare would pay for, that she could refer me to surgeons but she didn't think anyone at the medical center where I see her had experience with bariatric surgery, and we both agreed that it would be best to have someone who knew what they were doing. It's not that she wasn't supportive, but she wasn't as happy as I thought she would be, and she was the one who brought it up during my last visit. She did agree that it might be the best way for me to go, but she also encouraged me to talk to my therapist about behavioral modification. I almost feel that she wants me to try other things before I decide on the lap band or maybe she'd rather I do something else altogether. It just seems like she should be more involved, to me. I told her about going to OA, but not my entire weight loss struggle, or journey, or whatever you'd call it. Maybe she can only submit requests to my IPA, maybe it's because I'm scared, and that's why I'm letting her reaction bother me. I don't know how to explain to someone who's never been there, that I need something that's going to give me portion control. Sometimes, yes, I can have a piece of something, but most of the time that ain't hapenin. Chewing gum, drinking water, not buying the stuff doesn't work with, as my doctor said, any consistency. I feel like just giving up. All this time I've been researching, and now--just like that!--I give up? Did I really want it? I felt some excitement, and hope, too. I was seeing myself thin. I have the names of two doctors, one has been banded, the other, I know, offers free seminars. I wrote down the address and phone numbers. I just assume Pacificare won't pay. Do I want to? What a sorry son of a bitch I am! I went to the vending machine at work, because I just had to have something sweet. Thinking I'd bought three packages of Oreos, and it turned out I had three packages of corn nuts! One of my co workers bought them from me because she loves them, and I got my Oreos, but jeeze! what atrip! I've just eaten two. It's no problem for me to eat twelve cookies just like that! There's a song by a singer-songwriter with the title, "Look Within." I know as I'm crunching down on those suckers that even though they taste good, I'm trying to erase feelings? Looking for instant gratification? I guess I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. Sometimes I want to scream. I wish I could be satisfied with one cookie, or a piece of cake or pie. Well, I'm still going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Something just won't let me do otherwise. Debbie

Thank you, very much. I saw something about Northridge having WLS, but I'd much rather check out places I know others have been. And the fact that your doctor has been banded is a plus. Thanks again! Debbie