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My Journey Toward a New Life

A blog by serenity55 in General

  • Entries

    12

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    2,344

About this blog

:scared2:I hardly know where to begin. There are so many possibilities. There are so many fears. I know that others share them, but it's so terrifying when it's you. I've been reading so much about all the good and bad things that could happen, and t

Entries in this blog

Jinx

It has happened to me three times. I'll find a great web site, like this one, connect with people who have the same surgery date as I did, February 10, feel like I really have a lot of support, until after the surgery, when everyone just sort of disappears.   I have posted, asking how everyone who had surgery the same day as I did are doing. Nothing.   I understand that people get busy. I understand that people get better and move on. But it doesn't stop me from feeling sad, wonderin

Guess I'm having a fit!

I got a letter, well, some kind of agreement from my surgeon's office which asked me to agree to continuing therapy, cognative behavior specifically. I don't have a problem with that. So I signed the letter and sent it off yesterday. It came back today. My roommate checked the address and it was correct, so I don't know why it was returned.   lLate this afternoon I got a call from the patient liaison at my surgeon's office asking if I'd returned the letter. I said yes, never thinking it would

Psych eval, in two parts

I had my psychological evaluation today, well the second part, which was all true and false--567 questions! A friend from work read the test to me, and it took the better part of three hours. I talked to the psychiatrist last Monday, and he was very nice. He seemed impressed with me, though I have to wonder how much of that was because I was blind. People sometimes think that what a sighted person would be expected to do is admirable in someone who is blind. Anyway, I’m glad I read a lot on th

What a day!

Today was full of stress, I guess you could say. I found out that a coworker and friend posted her “anger” at me for not telling her I was going through with the lap band surgery. She didn’t mention my name, but when I saw the title of her thread I knew what it was about. She called me today and is acting as though nothing was wrong. She probably feels safe because I haven’t visited the site to which we both belong for quite some time.   My best friend is going to have surgery on her hand, pr

What If, and Untitled: Two Poems

This is what I came up with today, while fighting the cookie monster at work. But I didn't have any. And I feel like I really get it--it's time to stop talking and doing. But I'm still a mass of contradictions, or so it seems.   What if I get the band? What if I don’t? Sometimes I think that I will make it, but what if I won’t? What if, when I get the band, I become afraid? What if, when I get the band, I know I have it made Why does sugar call to me--a sweet siren song? Why

Am I the only one who feels this way, or What's the use, part 2

I want to eat sweets, as many as I can stand. I don’t want to exercise. I want help, and I don’t know where to get it. I can’t make anyone understand why I want to scream! It’s an effort for me to get up off the floor after exercising, out of chairs, and we won’t talk about going up and down stairs. I have to stop and rest. I just want to lay down and eat cookies. I think about cookies even as I’m eating a meal. I’m freakin’ huge, and I can’t make the stupid physicians’ group understand that I w

What's the use?

Sometimes I wonder what’s the use? I exercise, but I’m tired while I’m doing it. I feel like it’s not going to work. I went to a seminar yesterday. So what? Everything I do feels like a huge effort Yesterday when my friend and I were getting in to the public transportation to come home, another passenger said, “I think the heavier person should ride in front.” I didn’t hear the entire comment, but I was fairly certain it was about me. My friend basically told her to mind her own business. My tra

Food and Feelings

Well, I thought about writing a poem, but I’m not coming up with anything clever right now, so I’ll just write.   I’m obsessed with food. I’ve just had potatoes and eggs, and I wish I could have something sweet, but not just a small piece of cake, or five cookies. I wish I could go on a binge n have glazed doughnuts, an apple fritter, Mother’s oatmeal cookies, some pound cake, banana pudding, maybe ice cream to go with the cake   Even as I’m eating something, I’m thinking of what I can hav

Welcome to My Pity Party

Thursday, April 17, 2008. So how important is this to me, really? I saw my doctor, and I don't know what I was expecting, but I didn't get it. I guess I was hoping she'd submit a referral for the surgery. What she said was that she wasn't sure how much Pacificare would pay for, that she could refer me to surgeons but she didn't think anyone at the medical center where I see her had experience with bariatric surgery, and we both agreed that it would be best to have someone who knew what they were

Courage or fear?

:confused:Last night I couldn't stop thinking about so many things. I'm scared and I haven't even seen my doctor yet. So why am I even pursuing getting the band? Because my lower back hurts if I stand too long, because I used to be able to walk really fast and I can't do that any more, because I hear myself trying not to breathe like I've just been exercising for an hour. And I'm freaking out about the thought of something inside me. What if it doesn't work, and my body rejects it for some reaso

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