Courage or fear?

:confused:Last night I couldn't stop thinking about so many things. I'm scared and I haven't even seen my doctor yet. So why am I even pursuing getting the band? Because my lower back hurts if I stand too long, because I used to be able to walk really fast and I can't do that any more, because I hear myself trying not to breathe like I've just been exercising for an hour. And I'm freaking out about the thought of something inside me. What if it doesn't work, and my body rejects it for some reason? And smaller portions of food, and not being able to eat sweets; really having those choices taken away from me, but that in itself is a choice, one I'm choosing to make. I need to look in to why I'm so depressed about that. Oh, I know it's partly because cookies are comfort food for me, and I know that when I was growing up there wasn't enough food much of the time, so I sneak it now, and hide it. But I feel like there's more. I'm afraid of having that taken away from me, and I need to get to the point where I'm more afraid of gaining more weight, and sometimes I am there. And I keep coming back to this site; I love it here, so there must be some part of me that's saying, "Come on, girl, just keep putting one foot in front of the other." So I'll go to see my doctor on Thursday, and I will do just that. Because I think of the other side of the coin, too, the thinner me, the one everybody told me was so pretty when I was in high school. I want her back.