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The band is a tool and will only work if used correctly, we know this and state it daily. We have another very important tool, our doctor. He (or she) is the one we trusted to cut up our insides. But this tool doesn’t stop there, we pay them for our after care. I’m not talking just for the post op diets. I’m talking months and years of after care, whether it is fills or just checking in or complications we need this tool as much as we need our bands. So why would we not use this tool? Why are we afraid to call the doctor? Why don’t we want to go back to the doctor? Who loses out when we don’t use this tool? The doctor doesn’t. He’s off helping other patients who are using their tool. We lose! We keep spiraling out of control, gaining weight, feeling like we failed, and hating the band. I use my tools to the fullest capacity! I lost 80 pounds in 10 months and have maintained my weight for the last 7 months. And, I still see my doctor once a month. Why? Because I am using my tool. I often don’t get a fill, I weigh in, ask any questions I may have and say hello to everyone. I am there so much that all the staff know me by name. They may get sick of seeing me, but hey I pay for this tool and by golly I’m going to use it. So, if you are struggling and you haven’t seen your doctor in a while, pick up the phone and make an appointment. Use your tool! If you don’t you are only hurting yourself.

WOW. So I finally decided to do this, only one year in the making or, convincing. I scheduled my surgery and was really looking forward to submitting my time off request! I know that sounds funny, but I thought that I needed something exciting to document and completing the space that says REASON, I was able to write, without any reservations, surgery. What I really wanted to write, though it lacked any kind of professionalism, was "I'm about to get this fat ass off of my fat ass for good!" So one of my awesome co-workers helped me out and took the first picture of my long journey and celebrated my awesome feel good time off request!!!!!

It's taken me a long time to get my head screwed on right. I went from being heavy to being too thin, and after a lot of analysing, I decided that I'm finally happy with my weight. Because I'm not all about my weight. This was a difficult mindset to come to. I sometimes wonder, when I was losing, whether or not I'd traded one obsession for another: food for weight loss. My whole goal was to lose, and it didn't matter what the scale said, I kept wanting to lose. My best friend eventually intervened. She told me she thought I was too thin. She could see the ribs in between my cleavage, my hip bones stuck out, my head looked too big for my body. My doctor did too. He said if I didn't stop losing, he would unfill me a little. So I worked to gain a little bit to get to a BMI of 23, not because I wanted to, but because I was scared that if he unfilled me I'd gain it all back. Fast forward a few years, and my band starts leaking. My worst fears come true - I start gaining. I get disillusioned with my doctor's failed attempts to fix it, and I fall off the grid, and off the wagon. I start gaining and I don't care. I've given up. Christmas comes around and I go on vacation to spend it with my son and when we go to the park, I realise that for the first time in 4 years I can't keep up with him. The penny drops and I remember why I got banded in the first place: for him. That same moment, I make a decision to turn my weight gain around. I start tracking my calories, and exercising, and I lose weight, and I then make an appt to see my dr again to try to get back on track. At that appt, he withdraws the fill and it's immediately apparent that my band is still leaking, and we discuss what we should do next. The next few weeks really confused me: Do I replace? Do I revise to a sleeve? Can I do this on my own? Am I really not capable of maintaining without the band? Am I really so hung up on weight loss that I'm going to go under the knife again?? And more importantly, was I really unhappy? My weight changing didn't change me, it just changed how people saw me. Did I really want to get on that rollercoaster of weight loss being so important that I'd get too thin? So I made a decision: I'd get a replacement, because maintaining my weight was a lot easier with a working band, but I would not make weight loss my goal. It was for this reason that I decided I didn't want to lose anymore, and instead would get lipo to 'take care' of the problem spots. I'm not 5 days post lipo and by all accounts I'm exactly where I want to be. So what's the point of this post? That self-same best friend yesterday asked me how much fat they'd taken out during lipo. Did I lose any weight? So this morning I weighed myself. And yes the scales have gone down. And I was ecstatic. And all day today I'm thinking 'maybe I should try to lose a few more kilos, I could still stand to lose some weight' until I caught myself and shook myself out of it. Body image. It's such an insidious damaging thing sometimes. Because we constantly have to convince ourselves we're good enough, that we're happy enough, that we don't need to be better than we already are and actually believe it. And it's a battle you can't ever let your guard down on. And I'm angry with myself for having succumbed to that vicious inner voice in my head today. She really needs to shut the hell up.

This morning I met my goal for the week. I managed to get to the gym every day this week and worked out hard. I am consistently increasing resistance and endurance. And - I hate to admit it - I enjoy it. By the way, I'll deny that if anyone asks! So this morning, I was on the elliptical with my headphones, getting my jam on and feeling pretty good about myself because I'm making progress and meeting goals. As usual, I was watching the tv monitor above my machine (not much else to do at that point). Normally, they have it tuned to news or sports that early in the morning (at 5:30, there's not much else on). Today, for some reason, they had it on a channel that was just infomercials. The first was for make-up and the second was for hair products. As I sweated and pedaled faster, I learned all about how as a woman, I really need to have those make up products and how vital it is that my hair is shiney and bouncy. I really started to get pissed. I am SO SICK of hearing that I need just this one more thing to make me acceptable. The make up commercial interviewed a woman with a birthmark on her face that she could cover up with this make up. She cried as she talked about how she felt she could not go out in public because of her shame about how she looked - until she discovered this make up. Now she can cover her "imperfection" and hold her head up high in public because no one knows what she really looks like. What a tragic commentary on our society! I work on a daily basis with political refugees from other countries who have spent their entire lives just trying to survive. Some have been tortured, imprisoned, had fingers or limbs amputated in the course of "interrogations," had their families threatened, on and on and on. Seriously?!? We're worried about shiney hair?!? All day I have fought the urge to eat. I finally figured out why. I am such a passive aggressive person, I think a huge part of me wants to stay fat just to give a great big finger to everyone who would judge me on something like what size I wear, how shiney my hair is, or how smooth my skin looks (oooh - and by the way, I'm not sure I can go on with such stubby eyelashes. Life just isn't worth living!) I'm sick of hearing how inadequate I am. My teeth aren't white enough (or straight enough), my skin isn't clear enough, my legs aren't smooth enough, my hair isn't full enough, shiney enough, straight enough, or curly enough. I don't smell good enough and my lips aren't red enough. But don't worry - there's a plan, product, or prescription for all of it! (My personal favorite is the prescription for thicker eyelashes. REALLY?!?!) Dammit! I'm good enough just as I am! If I never lose another ounce! I will do this, but I will do it on MY terms and for MY reasons. I do not need to fit into their mold and meet their expectations, because no matter how much I do, it will never be enough. I have been suckered in to that shame and feeling of inadequacy all my life and I refuse to buy into it for another second! I will be healthy (truly healthy - body and mind) not because of society's pressure, but in spite of it! (Now can someone hand me a step ladder so I can get down off this box....) Shelly

I have to admit I am proud to say I finally was able to drink a full bottle of water today!!! I know it doesnt sound like much but believe me its the most i have been able to drink since I was banded. sucky thing that bugged me yesterday was the slight break out episode I had yesterday. Its pretty bad but I have some medicine that is suppose to help with the irritations. I am so close to being under 300lbs i can smell it. I only wish I had done this years ago but that is in the past.. my new life began the day I was banded. one more day until I am in the mushy food phase and then one week after that it will be solids. I am excited. Visited my mom today and she noticed my weight loss. she was very proud of me. I can not wait for more wL. I am hoping that with my new found health I will be able to be clear of all the health issues and develop a fresh outlook on other things. Well thats all i have to say for now.

That was seriously an awesome blog. I can't tell you how many times I've felt exactly what you're feeling now. I see all these commercials and half are for food (because we need more junk food like we need a hole in the head) and the other half are for the diet I supposedly need to undo all the junk food damage. But wait...there's more! I can buy a nifty cami that will make me look 3 sizes slimmer, but then I *really* need the hair removal cream because I can't been seen looking like a bush woman. Oh and then? I should seriously invest some of those videos that will teach me to exercise and look like I'm a stripper doing a lap dance at the same time, because you know, there's a good chance my boyfriend will buy that beer that shows the woman that looks like a rejected porn star falling all over the guy because he's drinking *that* beer. I need to look like a rejected porn star apparently. Seriously, really excellent blog post. I hope more read it because you totally nailed it.

Thanks for your post---awesome to hear your experience and thanks for all the tips!!!

Good for you! You're not just going to do this - you ARE doing this!!! Keep working on increasing that water intake and moving your body. Hang in there! To this day the best thing I have ever eaten in my entire life was my first scrambled egg after surgery! I had been on a 6 week pre-op liquid diet, then the clear liquids and full liquids post-op. I will never forget that first egg! Go Adrienne! Shelly