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I'll skip the "How I Got Here" business for now. If you are interested, you can mosey on over to the "My Story" section of my profile to check it out. . . And I promise you, its a doozey. But today I'm needing to remind myself of "WHY I'm Here." In this case, "Here" being less than 48 hours away from dun dun dun. . . elective surgery. Oh, the horror! (Trust me, if you had my medical anxiety you'd understand. Every time someone compares their surgical countdown to waiting for Christmas, every fiber in my being revolts.) (1) T-Shirts. I love T-Shirts. Nice soft, baggy T-Shirts. At my size, however, there is no guarantee that you can find such a T-Shirt, and if you can, its not likely to be flattering. This is particularly problematic when a T-Shirt is required - say to lead a group of kids at a school function. I really just want to be able to sign up to volunteer without worrying whether they will offer a 2X and, if so, whether it will be a generous 2X or not. (2) Energy. My people are notoriously low energy going back generations on my mom's side. I have several female cousins, and most of us suffer from it in one way or another. Unfortunately, someone forgot to relay this fact to my kids. They are just not the quiet, bookworm types that I was growing up. I've had my thyroid tested (normal), done a sleep study (no apnea) and taken up exercise. And yet, I still seem to be the only person I know who can pass out cold on the couch after 45 minutes of dance fitness. I am hopeful that losing the weight will help me perk up a little and give me the stamina I need to keep up with the many demands on my life. (3) Speaking of Exercise. One of my closest friends has recently made a mid-life career change from Childrens' Minister to Dance Fitness Instructor. So I go along for the ride. As exercise goes, its fun. But is it too terrible to say that I would rather not be the biggest girl in the room? I don't need to be the smallest, mind you. Just not the biggest. (4) Photographs. I'm a photographer. Few things make me happier than capturing a beautiful smile, a sparkle in my subjects' eyes. More often than not, of course, those subjects are my kids. I realized recently that I have never sat for a portrait with either of my two youngest kids, and a stranger flipping through the family snapshots might just think that my husband is a single dad. Somewhere about five years ago, I just stopped being in pictures and that's not fair to my kids. It really bothers my oldest boy. Maybe we will all be in the family Christmas picture this year. (5) Air Travel. I used to be a gung ho traveller. Domestic. International. I could be ready to go in a moment's notice. But after my kids were born, there just didn't seem to be the time or money. I recently took a trip to a photography workshop, and is it just me, or have plane seats gotten smaller. Wait. I think it is just me. Its stressful enough in the post 9/11 world to get on a plan in the first place without having to worry about how big the two people sitting on either side of you are and whether you will survive the cramped posture that you all will be forced into. And don't even get me started on the seat belts. I didn't have to ask for an extender, but I know that I have to do something to keep that humiliation out of my future. (6) Disney World. I LOVE Disney World. Yes, I know it is ridiculously expensive and crowded. But for me, the magic over comes the madness, and it really is the happiest place on earth. At least until I start to stare down those older rides and wonder whether or not I am going to be too big for the seats. I look forward to the day when I can look at my kids and say "Yes, of course I will ride that with you," without a moments hesitation. (7) Pain. Over the past couple of years, I have started to experience random aches and pains, particularly in my back, but occasionally in my knees and hips too. I've got to believe that hauling around less weight, thereby relieving the stress on my body, will help with some of that. I'm not even 40, after all. (8) The Gap. I used to love to shop there. Anne Taylor too. Why are big girl clothes so expensive? (9) Social Anxiety. My husband has to wine and dine for work. I used to, if not LOVE going along, be able to tolerate it. Now I rarely go. Nothing to wear. Too uncomfortable about how i look to try to meet and impress new people. The same is true of joining Moms groups and seeing my old college friends. Don't get me wrong, I have a core group of people that I hang with, but I used to be much more outgoing and fun loving before I became so self conscious about my appearance. (10) My Kids. I love them more than life itself and want to do everything that I can to be a fun and active mom for them throughout their childhoods. This list isn't exhaustive, but its a good start, and hopefully will serve as a good reminder when, over the next 48 hours, that little bit of panic creeps in and I start to rethink my decision.

Hi, I'm Jenn I figured I'd start a blog to document my journey - the good, the great, the not-so-great, and the downright ugly side of things without an ounce of sugar coating. Background: I'm 27, from Long Island, NY, and a Social Work graduate student going to school in the city. I'm set to graduate in May of 2013. I work primarily with clients struggling with substance abuse disorders and mental illness. This is an incredibly exciting time in my life. I've worked so hard to get to where I am, mentally, yet physically...well, I've kind of disregarded that area of my life for awhile now. I've been through some very difficult times growing up, and have put my body through some damage. After all the work I've spent on recovering mentally from all that's happened, I completely neglected to take care of myself physically. This has become a problem now, because although I'm finally happy with where my life is heading, I feel like I'm carrying a huge weight on my shoulders at all. I guess I kind of am! My BMI is 46. I struggle on a daily basis with 0 energy and horrible leg/knee pains. I have sleep apnea. I can't walk up a flight of stairs without breathing heavily. I hate being seen in public because of my weight. I'm 27, and I'm killing myself with food. I'm not going to wait around for it to destroy me. I'm ready to fight back. I am in the process of doing the (horrible) extensive pre-op testing. I am also doing 6 months of a supervised weigh-in/diet with my PCP. When completed, I will be set to have surgery in December. I am ready to feel 27. I'm ready to BE 27. And I won't take a "no" from anyone, nor will I tolerate any negative comments from people, I'm doing this for me

Yesterday was my one month post-op anniversary. I am 20 lbs down and really feeling good. I am still struggling to get the 64 oz of water my nutritionist wants me to get, but I am getting close. I have only had one fill and that was interesting. My doctor does fill with floroscopy so they can see and hopefully make sure they don't over fill. My 10cc band currently has 2.5 cc's. While my fill did not hurt a bit, I passed out. Apparently I have a sensitive vagus nerve, when the fluid was pushed into my band quickly I got dizzy and went out for second. It passed quickly and the doctor said that from now on they would have to push fluid slower as to not agrivate the nerve. I go back in one month and hopefully will be down another 20, but know that is unlikely. The first couple of weeks I was dropping lbs like no bodies business, but now it has slowed to the 2-3 lbs a week. I am just happy it is headed in the right direction. I am so looking forward to being in onederland. I am enjoying the lower grocery bill each week. I find I eat so little it take fewers groceries for me and my hubby. Don't get me wrong I am still eating, but I am just eating so much less than I did before surgery. Of course the extra eating and eating the wrong things got me to 244, so now I am turning that around. I am so thankful to have had a good experience thus far. I am so scared of getting stuck or throwing up that I am VERY careful when eating. So far I think the best part of finally having had the surgery is the feeling like food no longer controls my life, I control it. My days aren't about what and when the next meal is, it is about the here and now. I do wish I would have done this 5 years ago when I first looked into it.