Farty Pants Fun Thread

ReneBean · October 21, 2005

Oh, I want a copy of the "Pooping at the Office Etiquette" flyer. I really do.

And Lisa, Don't make me call DeLarla... Why would you have to be quiet and behave??? Your Sister is coming to visit YOU. I think you should go all out wild on her. Anyway, I really think the toys are going to be a tell that MAYBE you are a little Cha Cha. I mean, maybe all these years your Sister has been pretending to be normal so she wouldn't freak YOU out....

Marimaru · October 21, 2005

I was just wondering the same thing; Why do you have to behave because your sister is coming to YOUR house??? bwahaha

I want that flier to. I will totally post it on the wall here.

Mita · October 21, 2005

Wait a minute.. Now was the couple who just came to see you nice, quite and reserved??? Yeah I mean the ones who roped tied you into going to the Nudie place, Oh sorry dancing place... You know sister sometimes they surprise you.. Keep us posted..

DeLarla · October 21, 2005

I thought I posted the Poop Etiquette on the Joke Thread, but the thread is gone! Even Kathy was looking for it. Let me plug in my colander and see what I can find.

giveyouthemoon · October 21, 2005

I've seen the poop etiquette one. VEEEERY funny. And I was shocked, SHOCKED to recognize myself in there......I mean....REALLY!!!! lololol!!

giveyouthemoon · October 21, 2005

Here is the one I got: (hope I don't get banned for this)

Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2003 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE

Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the Water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

Definition: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet Water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA omelet

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Mermaid · October 21, 2005

I am new to this forum, so bare with me. I had my surgery yesterday in Kansas. From what I am reading here, gas seems to be a big issue. Is it? If so, what foods make it bad so I can avoid them when I am working????

giveyouthemoon · October 21, 2005

Ah mermaid....welcome to bandland! Congrats on your new friend!!

Yes, gas is a problem. You learn to live with it. Go forth and partake of the GasX.

Especially NOW. Get out the gas they used to blow up your tummy during the surgery!! Walk a LOT and take a LOT of GasX. Take more than the box says to take.

And welcome to LBT!!!!!!

ReneBean · October 21, 2005

And Prelate Cream. You must have Prelate Cream to framerrate the orbits on your colander. Go. Get a colander now. We are waiting from the next transmission from the mothership. (lifting cheese grater higher).

Bok Choy.

Mita · October 22, 2005

LOL Karen those are to Funny but so true.

You have to pass my cube to come to the back bathroom and let me tell you. I have seen my share from down yonder to know what they are up to..since there is a bathroom on the other side of the bldg where they come from. There is this one girl that goes AOL for 30 minutes twice a day. And in each stall is a can of lysol the majority of the time in smells so bad in there that I get the dang thing and spray it all over the place commenting about the stinker pooper..

We girls always comment on the people that pass cause you can set your time by them.

Mermaid · October 22, 2005

Thank God for Gas X! I have been dying with this gas pain for 2 days now and am finally getting some relief. I am walking a lot also to try to relieve the discomfort. I know it will get better. I am so glad to have discovered this site. You are all a hoot! I know it will help me to listen to all of you who have had your bands for awhile. I can't believe that cream of wheat sounds so good that I just can't wait to eat it!