female only Breaking up with my Mom

[Gone4Now 4]

I have posted before what a horrible witch my mother is...but she's still my mom. I have been chanting that in my head for a long time. She's still my mom...she's still my mom...

But, now I'm getting more and more disgusted with myself for allowing her to have so much control over my emotions.

I want to break up with her, but I don't know how.

Her latest ploy was to not talk to me for 2 weeks after I got a chihuahua. She doesn't like them, so she didn't answer my emails, calls or anything. So, I stopped communicating with her, and she called me because she needed money for my step-father's birthday dinner.< /p>

I have a van in my name that she pays for. I imagine I'd just have her mail me the check each month. I carry the insurance, and I pay for her cell phone.

I was thinking in the letter outlying what the cost would be to her, detailing the car payments, insurance costs, and cell phone bill for her. In addition to that, she'd also have to start paying for the tires we bought her a few months ago, and the money I loaned her for her house.

I don't think she can actually DO those payments, since she skips payments every now and then - the pool man MUST get paid, she says - but if she could just do something and mail it by the ___ of every month, I'd be happy.

Has anyone ever severed ties with their parent, and how do you do it? I was thinking of a letter, or a phone call...I dunno. I just know my life would be less stressful with her gone, not to mention more financially sound.

[lml32937 65]

I have 2 sisters that I do not speak to and I do not speak to my mother unless necessary. Over the years we have had our issues and the older I got the more emotional baggage I carried because of her and one day I had a wake up call and said NO more... I stopped visiting, calling and my life now is so much happier! (this is the abbreviated version of course)

There is a book I read by Max Lucado called Traveling Light. It helped me a lot to let go of a lot.

Because you have such a financial tie to her it may be more difficult for you and I wouldnt wish what I have been thru on anyone- I am at that age and have many friends who's BFF's are their mom's and it cringes me inside that I cannot have that type of relationship with her... I have a great relationship with my dad and talk to him regularly which I know pisses her off too....

Good luck whatever you decide to do!

[Gone4Now 4]

Thank you!

One thing holding me back is that she and my brother are really my only family. I have tons of cousins and aunts and uncles, but I never talk to them. (Every now and then my aunt will get drunk and email me!) But, I've been so scared to let go because they're all I have of the tree.

I have my new tree, with my daughter and DH. I see his family and get so jealous because they are wonderful people! I have always wanted that in my life, but I think I'm getting to the age where I realize I just won't. I can't work that magic on my mom and make her a good person.

I found this article which kinda helps me feel like it's 'OK' to dump her. (Yeah, guilt was big growing up!)

When You Should Breakup With Your Mother

By Robert Pagliarini | Jun 2, 2009 |

There are only two types of people in this world, and the sooner you discover this, the happier, more fulfilled, and successful you’ll become — even if it means dumping your best friend, neighbor, or yes, even your mother.

The first type I call Energizers. These are people that lift you up, give you energy, make you want to be a better person, inspire you, make you feel good about yourself and your life, encourage you to take risks, and motivate you to achieve your goals and dreams.

The second type I call Leeches. These are people who suck the energy from you, that make you feel bad about yourself and your life, complain, are negative, gossip, talk you into doing nothing, and bring you down.

Anyone and everyone from your father and brother to your neighbor and boss to the checkout person at your grocery store can be classified into one or the other camp. The more time you are around downers, the more miserable you’ll become. But how can you tell who’s an Energizer and who’s a Leech?

Here’s what you need to do:

• Step 1. Make a list of all of your friends, colleagues, associates, family members, and people with whom you regularly come into contact.
  

• Step 2. Now put an “E” for Energizer or an “L” for Leech next to each (one friend uses happy faces and sad faces while another uses up arrows and down arrows instead of Es and Ls). For 95 percent of your list it will be quite easy to identify those who give energy and those that take. The other 5 percent might be more challenging — sometimes they might make you feel good and other times they might not. How should you classify them? Close your eyes and picture them. What’s your gut telling you? Energizer or Leech?
  

Now that you’ve categorized everyone in your life as either uplifting or draining, it’s time to pluck the leeches from your life. Think of these people as having a nasty and contagious disease. Your goal is to avoid these people at all costs, but what if you can’t? What if you work with these people? Since you can’t avoid them completely, do whatever you can to spend as little time with them as possible. When do they lunch? Choose a different time. Don’t volunteer for projects in which they are involved.

Is there an annoying parent at your kid’s school that does nothing but complain when you run into them? Drop your kids off earlier or later. Get creative. Come up with a list of automatic responses you can tell them for why you don’t have time to talk to them. Here are a few examples:

I have a call in five minutes.

I’ve got to get back to a client.

I’d love to talk but I have to read this report.

I have a meeting I have to get to.

I wish we could talk, but I can’t right now, so feel free to shoot me an email.

You can’t eliminate all the Leeches in your life, but you can decrease the time you spend with them and the damage they do. But what if your spouse, adult child, father, sister, grandma, girlfriend, cousin, neighbor, priest, best friend, or mother is a Leech? Eliminate them from your life! If they are bringing you down, sucking the life from you, and making you feel like crap, dump them. Sound extreme? It’s not. Life is too short to be around people that suck. You might be forced to work with Leeches, but your other 8 hours are yours. You can choose who to spend those precious hours with. Don’t feel guilty or obligated to talk to or friend anyone who doesn’t encourage you. Demand more from the people you let in your life.

Your challenge is to spend at least one hour this week with an Energizer and to dump one Leech from your life. Cut the cord.

So, who are you going to dump?

[Brockbabe82 0]

Excellent article!!!! ITs 100 % the truth!

[OnTheWay to Thin 0]

Since your DH has such a wonderful family, just do what I do, I adopted them, I basically lost all of my family in the past few years, they all died, and many of weight related complications, ergo why I am giving the band all I can. But I felt so alone, I went to a thanksgiving day party just after my mom and brothers death at a dear friends house and they could tell I was upset, so one pulled me aside and asked what was wrong. I explained the holidays were hard because I had no family any more, and she looked at me and said of course you do you have everyone here, we will all be your family. So long story short family is what you make of it and if there are those that are not happy and healthy additions to you and yours you have every right to cut ties with them. Good luck to you.

[Carrie_C 9]

What a great article! Thanks for sharing!

I understand totally how you feel. My mother used to always be in my business and treat me so terrible. She used to always want to know what I was doing and with who. She would even call my neighbors and ask them if I was home or if I had anyone over! She also talked so terrible to me, especially when I was at my heaviest. I don't even like to think about the things she used to say to me. I kept telling myself the same thing, that she was my mother, I had to deal with her. But finally a few years ago, I had enough. We got into an argument at her house one day and I just simply walked out and left. I didn't talk to her for months. I didn't call her, I didn't answer her calls. I wrote her a very long letter telling her how she made me feel and that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. A few days after she received the letter, she came to my house. We had a very long talk. We managed to work things out, and we still talk, but we will never be super close. I hate that, but I have learned to live with it. I would suggest maybe writing your mother a letter, and telling her you won't put up with it any longer, and if she wants to be in your life, then she has to change.

[Gone4Now 4]

I recently just got back from a trip to Virginia. My best friend had moved back there, and changed her mind and moved back to Texas. My two best friends are twins and I love them and their family. I've been friends with them since 10th grade and they love me more than my own family does.

When I got back to town, I called my mom and she proceeded to ram me for going out of town and not telling her or calling her when I was there. She said that I ignore her.

Well, yeah...you're a bitch.

I did much needed thinking and talking over the past weekend, and I like the idea of the letter. I really don't think I could quit cold turkey like I sometimes want to, but I do know I can sort out how I feel and express it to her in writing. She's too defensive to ever talk to her about anything so major.

Thanks for the advice so far. I'm going to work on the letter this weekend and see how I feel after that! :blushing:

[heartfire 4]

Glouc,

I don't have any helpful advice. I just wanted to let you know that you have my support in whatever you decide to do. I know you've had "issues" with her before and that is seems never-ending. Maybe it's time for that to change.

Best wishes and lots of prayers.

[Nanook 2]

Good luck Glou...,

I wasn't strong enough to break up with my alcoholic toxic father until he died and now there is peace! Take care Nancy.

[Gone4Now 4]

Thank you so much! That helps me.

I don't think I'm strong enough, either. I can limit my time, or tell her enough when I need to.

I did cave and tell her about the up coming wedding. A friend of mine offered to get an officiant's online to save us some money and when I told my mother, I got the response I was accustomed to - a bitchy moan, followed with a "Oh, NO!"

So, I told her, "Hey, you're lucky to be invited since we were thinking of eloping. I will tell you about it and you will say, "oh, that's great" or nothing at all." She pouted for about 5 seconds and then was happy for me. :biggrin:

Nothing ever really changes.

[Kristine73 1]

I had to break off ties w/my father and his family. I didn't tell them I was 'breaking up' with them. Hell, simply thinking about talking to any of them induces a Migraine. I simply stopped talking to them. I didn't answer the phone, gotta love caller id. I haven't spoken to him in years and I am better off for it. You have to do what you have to do for your survival.

[Nanook 2]

Thank you so much! That helps me.

I don't think I'm strong enough, either. I can limit my time, or tell her enough when I need to.

I did cave and tell her about the up coming wedding. A friend of mine offered to get an officiant's online to save us some money and when I told my mother, I got the response I was accustomed to - a bitchy moan, followed with a "Oh, NO!"

So, I told her, "Hey, you're lucky to be invited since we were thinking of eloping. I will tell you about it and you will say, "oh, that's great" or nothing at all." She pouted for about 5 seconds and then was happy for me. :biggrin:

Nothing ever really changes.

There were five kids in my family and my mother died of cancer when I was 14, 2nd from the bottom of the line but eldest girl so I suppose I took on the nurturing role in the family. I was also the "good girl" out of the two girls, lol. Possibly being raised a Catholic it added to my guilt when it came to dealing with my father and still trying to be the good girl. Others in my family could give up on him but I just wasn't capable. He had some form of psychological disorder also compounded and medicated with alcohol.

Of course I over compensated with my own kids never to be like him and make them feel the way I did growing up.

For me I used his alcoholism as an excuse as to why he treated people as he did especially his own family. It's hard to take back the years where you let a sick parent rule your life. I probably didn't get the help from therapy I needed to deal with it but still recommend it if possible. Maybe it will help with the strength factor I never had. Good luck, Nancy.

[L12 13]

I pretty much broke up with my family four years ago. We exchange a brief email or two every year, and I send Mother's and Father's Day gifts while they send a birthday gift to me, but we don't speak on the phone and live in different states, so we never see each other. I feel a bit guilty at times, as I know they won't be around forever and that they do actually love me. However, the relief, freedom, and peace that I've experienced since they've been out of my life has been worth that bit of guilt. I haven't ruled out trying again with them someday, but I don't think that's coming anytime soon--I'm still trying to reach a state of forgiveness and acceptance.

[Gone4Now 4]

That's the tough part...My mom lives one minute away. My daughter will call me and say, "Grandma picked me up and we're going swimming."

I know I can't be there for DD when she gets home from school, and I'm not sure being alone would be better/worse than being with my mom. She was alone for a while and she was hanging around kids from the bus stop and was started to act up a little bit. So, I feel guilty for leaving her at home alone, and I feel guilty for exposing her to my mother - my only two options financially.

I always make the excuse that she helps me by watching my dogs when we go visit DH's parents out of town, and by watching DD after school. But the emotional beat down is just getting to me.

[Mouse81841 0]

Your mom is basically holding you hostage emotionally. It isnt fair to you and it isnt healthy. Part of the reason a lot of us are obese and/or addicted to food is because of emotional eating ect.

You need to list your pros and cons and think very long and hard about what you can say to your mom and do to remedy this situation.

Boundaries are a big thing and you need to have them, even with your mother. Just because she is your mother, doesnt mean she gets to treat you however she feels at the moment. So my advise is to look at what needs to change, what you'd like to have change and what boundaries you are going to have in regards to your mother. I know this is an icky situation and one my mother actually went through with her mother. Unfortunately I never met my grandmother, but from the sounds of it...I didnt miss much.

Also, seeing the psych or a counselor is not a bad idea to at least talk to about this. We have a lot of reasons we are overweight and for me at least part of it is the emotional stuffing by using food. While they are our family and sometimes we feel we have to love them out of obligation, we have to take care of ourselves first. Your mom is old enough to know better,old enough to know how to treat people and old enough to take care of herself. The pool can wait, she needs to pay her car payment ect. I dont know about you, but if I tried that one, they'd repo my car. So I'd have a pool, but no way to go to work to pay for it.

Its just food for thought really, no one wants to "break" up with their mom or dad. But sometimes, we do need to distance ourselves.