male only Text messaging another girl...

[savannahsmommie 0]

Ok guys, sorry for invading your Men's Room, but I am a woman who needs some input. My husband cheated on me the first couple of weeks we were dating, years ago. He came clean when we started getting serious and has not done it again, that I can tell. I had my suspicion about him in the beginning. We've now been married nearly 4 years, and have two beautiful children.

Yesterday, I went to pick up my kids from daycare and their provider and I always chit chat. She made a joke about how my husband was text messaging her daughter (who also works at the daycare) the other night and asking how she liked living on her own now (she recently got her own place) and how she was doing? She said it as if I knew, and I played along. I went home and asked my husband and he really didn't have a good answer for me. Just that he was being nice because she takes care of our kids. HELLO! She's a twenty one year old, college student, that is skinny and blond and perfect!

As a guy, do you think I should be suspicious?

[bassriley 0]

I'm speaking both as a guy and as a professional counselor. Things may not be as bad as you fear but are probably not as innocent as your husband claims (and maybe even believes). Don't assume from this that's he's having an affair. While he may be, I wouldn't assume it. However, even if he believes that his texting is innocent and supportive, it probably isn't. It's hard for me to imagine that he doesn't have an unconscious dynamic in which he is desiring the attention and affection of a younger, attractive woman. He may not be aware of feeling attracted to her, but there may be an unconscious erotic transference. I would encourage you and he to talk openly about this and, perhaps, to seek marriage counseling. But again, don't assume that his motives are bad and that he is lying, as he very well may not be. All the best.

[savannahsmommie 0]

I'm speaking both as a guy and as a professional counselor. Things may not be as bad as you fear but are probably not as innocent as your husband claims (and maybe even believes). Don't assume from this that's he's having an affair. While he may be, I wouldn't assume it. However, even if he believes that his texting is innocent and supportive, it probably isn't. It's hard for me to imagine that he doesn't have an unconscious dynamic in which he is desiring the attention and affection of a younger, attractive woman. He may not be aware of feeling attracted to her, but there may be an unconscious erotic transference. I would encourage you and he to talk openly about this and, perhaps, to seek marriage counseling. But again, don't assume that his motives are bad and that he is lying, as he very well may not be. All the best.

Thank you. I will try and talk to him about it again. I understand what you mean, and he probably doesn't realize it.

[BillOh 15]

I'm speaking both as a guy and as a professional counselor. Things may not be as bad as you fear but are probably not as innocent as your husband claims (and maybe even believes). Don't assume from this that's he's having an affair. While he may be, I wouldn't assume it. However, even if he believes that his texting is innocent and supportive, it probably isn't. It's hard for me to imagine that he doesn't have an unconscious dynamic in which he is desiring the attention and affection of a younger, attractive woman. He may not be aware of feeling attracted to her, but there may be an unconscious erotic transference. I would encourage you and he to talk openly about this and, perhaps, to seek marriage counseling. But again, don't assume that his motives are bad and that he is lying, as he very well may not be. All the best.

That opinion certainly sounds professional to me, I'm impressed. There may be nothing inappropriate going on, but it shows bad judgement. My wife and I are on Facebook and everything is open to us both. I converse with several women on this forum, but I try to avoid private messages, but if I do have/make any my wife is free to look. One difference between my situation and yours is she already knew this. I work with a terrific young lady as a partner in my job, but I wouldn't consider emailing her, or any other type of electronic communication outside of work. I keep it strictly professional, I would think a day care provider should be treated in the same professional manner, but she may not be mature enough to understand. Also if he is totally innocent, he may be opening himself up to blackmail from her or some other seemingly innocent person.

Edited June 8, 2009 by BillOh

[Jaffa 5]

I know that their are times that my wife will tell me that some woman is flirting with me. I honestly, don't ever think in these cases the woman is, but she say's it is because I'm stupid and dense.

I am honestly, more careful about these situations now since she told me, because my wife is smart and it is better to be safe then sorry. I have no desire or interest in anyone other then my wife and I wouldn't want to accidently lead someone on, and I wouldn't even want to be in a situation like the one your husband is in now.

I frankly, think he is just not being careful enough about what things can turn into, or how they can look. Or he is like me, and he needs you to fill him in on the reality of how things can happen. Either one is bad for a relationship.

[LiveLoveLaugh 0]

Wow I so agree & enjoy these responces by the men on this subject. You all are so right on how this is being viewed. Many men don't know when a woman is flirting etc.. I too agree that this young lady might not be using common sense on not allowing the husband not to text her. She may have started the chatting since she shared her number with this man. I see now the mother of this young lady has also viewed this as perhaps unprofessional and made mention to the wife in a perfessional way by simple chit chat in the daycare setting. I would take this as nip this in the bud (mother of girl to wife of husband) before it looks like more than just a texting friendly relationship. So I would realy talk with the husband as a couple to make sure it won't go further. Just don't go in the attack mode and don't bring up to him his past ways (the first two weeks of dating) of before being a serious couple. This is the past so please keep it there......

Just my 2 cents.....

[ksill18 0]

Thats awesome....i feel bad for ya...but once a cheater always a cheater. I have two kids in daycare and if i was texting one of the young girls taking care of my kids its for one reason and one reason only :thumbup:........WOW i feel bad for ya. I am happily married and would never think about texting a 21 year old unless my wife left me hahahaha. Sorry for your situation.

[AirKuhl 1]

I texted a cute younger girl for a few weeks not long ago. It was funny because she worked tech support, I had to call for a problem, and while she was helping me out we were both harmlessly flirting while waiting for the computer to reboot and so on. Ended up talking for quite a while and since she had my info in her system she texted me a few times and I texted her back. She even sent me a few pictures, that's how I know she was cute. :sad:

In my case it was harmless flirting. I'm a friendly guy with a huge sense of humor and some women find that attractive even back when I was a fat ass. Sometimes I go out to clubs with my friends and dance with other women, sometimes we go to Vegas for the weekend and maybe hit a few strip clubs.

I am also very happily married to a cute and wonderful woman who I wouldn't trade for anyone. She knows I'm a flirter, it's how I got her. :cursing: I never tried to hide it from her, because I don't need to. We trust each other. Heck, she renews my Playboy subscription for me, and she enjoys the articles.

Just saying, give him the benefit of a doubt, he might just be getting an ego rush getting attention from a cute younger woman. Ultimately it's all about trust. If he starts hiding and denying things you know are true, well, sorry but that's when I would get concerned.

[AirKuhl 1]

Thats awesome....i feel bad for ya...but once a cheater always a cheater.

I don't really disagree, but it seems like he "cheated" when they first started dating. Some people view the commitment level differently during that dating phase than they do during marriage.

[L.J 0]

Women... Men are not dumb, we know when a woman is coming on to us, we look for those cues so we can know to move in. You guys actually give us that excuse that men are stupid and we don't know, and what better way to save ourselves by just playing in to it (I have done this, though i wasn't in a committed relationship.) I have always heard "if you have to question whether your significant other is cheating on you, chances are that they probably are." Does this mean approach the situation like you are certain? No, but don't ignore it neither.

BTW, there is no such thing as harmless flirting, it opens up streams and avenues for other things to take place which can be harmful, this also applies to texting. I would think that whatever he has to ask or say could be said in person, out of secracy with no shame or guilt. My father always texted other woman and tried to hide it, i had my suspicions and they were right. Unfortunately, my mother is either stupid or weak because she denies that cheating is the case. I would think the latter because its not rocket science, she can go through his phone as i have and check for herself and find that she was living a lie all the while. Though one may think this is a matter of invasion of privacy on the spouses behalf, i can assure you its not. All that goes out the window when you are married and whats now his is now yours and vice versa.

By all means, i am not saying go make accusations but i do suggest you consider your past with him and present habits and signs/ cues. Be rationale! I hope everything turns out well.

[Jaffa 5]

Oh yes, at age 22, you would think that way. It is a little different when you are younger. At 22, everything was flirting and about sex. At 40, very little is about either.

[L.J 0]

Oh yes, at age 22, you would think that way. It is a little different when you are younger. At 22, everything was flirting and about sex. At 40, very little is about either.

Yea sure, because I'm 22 its all about sex and i have no clue what im talking about. I did not imply that it was about sex. I however am saying that it is a problem if her husband is texting a young woman at their childs daycare. One would consider the motive for doing so. Why? She should be concerned. I am not saying cheating is the case in her situation but she should consider it be an option.

I guess its all about what you think cheating is... clearly Mr. Steve believes it to be a physical thing (flirting & sex.) I believe different, its both a physical and an emotional thing, an emotional attachment is much worse in my opinion because thats harder to break. Though i am 22 it doesnt make me color blind, i know a red flag when i see one. Like i said, i certainly hope this is not the case and everything gets worked out.

[AirKuhl 1]

Yea sure, because I'm 22 its all about sex and i have no clue what im talking about. I did not imply that it was about sex. I however am saying that it is a problem if her husband is texting a young woman at their childs daycare. One would consider the motive for doing so. Why? She should be concerned. I am not saying cheating is the case in her situation but she should consider it be an option.

I guess its all about what you think cheating is... clearly Mr. Steve believes it to be a physical thing (flirting & sex.) I believe different, its both a physical and an emotional thing, an emotional attachment is much worse in my opinion because thats harder to break. Though i am 22 it doesnt make me color blind, i know a red flag when i see one. Like i said, i certainly hope this is not the case and everything gets worked out.

You don't need to be defensive, he wasn't calling you out, he's just saying that motives and priorities change with age.

You said, for example, that "there is no such thing as harmless flirting". That might be a true statement at your age. But I can guarantee you that I flirt all time and it's 100% harmless. It's just fun, I have no agenda.

I have a happy marriage of 20 years and if Megan Fox walked into my bedroom naked while my wife is out of town and said "no one needs to ever know". I would laugh, thank her, and politely show her out.

Then I'd go rub one out the shower. I may be faithful, but I'm not dead. :thumbdown:

[bassriley 0]

but once a cheater always a cheater.

People can and do change. And "cheating" when you start dating someone and cheating when you're married are so different that they really need different words to describe them. Nobody takes vows when they start dating.

[Headhunter 6]

You don't need to be defensive, he wasn't calling you out, he's just saying that motives and priorities change with age.

You said, for example, that "there is no such thing as harmless flirting". That might be a true statement at your age. But I can guarantee you that I flirt all time and it's 100% harmless. It's just fun, I have no agenda.

I have a happy marriage of 20 years and if Megan Fox walked into my bedroom naked while my wife is out of town and said "no one needs to ever know". I would laugh, thank her, and politely show her out.

Then I'd go rub one out the shower. I may be faithful, but I'm not dead. :tongue_smilie:

I'm in the same boat as you. If Megan Fox walked in naked, I would also insist that she leave. I would very sternly inform her that she has 24 hours to get OUT!

HH