female only Angry with shallow husband since Lap

[tinabeanabug 0]

Lap Band 3 months ago and I have lost almost 30 pounds. My husband has suddenly (after 2 plus years) noticed once again I'm alive...I feel angry... well... more hurt by this. I thought the attention he is giving me would make me happy. I was wrong. We are a million miles apart when we are standing next to each other...in my opionion. I know he loves me and I love him but I can't seem to get past the feelings of being hurt and pushed to the wayside for so long.

[aubrie 6]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I went through the very same thing. I couldn't understand my feelings toward him. I prayed and begged for two years for us to be more intimate with eachother. I don't know how many nights I cried into my pillow. I got the band and when I lost a noticable amount, he was practically chasing me around the bedroom. I was FURIOUS. I was still exactly the same person I was before the LapBand. I was angry with him for months. It took me a long time to get over my disgust with his attitude. I thought I would be dancing around and celebrating if he paid attention to me again. I was confused, angry, resentful, distrustful and on top of that I felt guilty for feeling that way. It was a mess. I was hurt to the core, just like you. I kept thinking, how could he have been so cold? We loved eachother, so it didn't make sense to me. It was something I didn't expect. I'm over it now and we're good. REAL good. I feel sexy again and we now have an awesome sex life, but the first few months were a little rocky. Be patient.

Ironically, he ended up gaining what I lost. Now I'm seeing it from his perspective. I'm a lot more understanding. It's hard to see my awesome hunk of a husband get paunchy and swollen. It's funny how life eventually puts all into proper perspective for you.

Edited May 8, 2009 by aubrie

[savannahsmommie 0]

That is exactly what I am worried about. Before we had kids I was 164lbs and we would go at it like rabbits multiple times a day. Now that I've put on weight, two pregnancies, and lots of stretch marks I'm lucky to get it twice a month. He doesn't do the cute little kisses before he leaves or smacking my butt when he walks by anymore. I kept telling myself it will be good when I lose the weight and he starts these things again, but at the same time I am so freaking pissed that he ever stopped because I gained weight!

[rafa2 5]

Not to defend your hubby's behavior or anything but it's also important to take into consideration that you may be more confident and feel sexier now after losing some weight...and men can really sense that, and they find that confidence attractive and sexy...just an opinion.

But if it's really bothering you, maybe yoou should try to talk to him about it, communication is key.

Good luck!!!

[JuneAct2 0]

Same here...not necessarily defending your husbands, but keep in mind that, in some cases, as we got bigger, we put up a wall around us that told them loud and clear...Hands off! Our own body language put them off.

My husband told me today that a year ago I wouldn't even let him turn on the lights in the bedroom, and now he has to keep the blinds closed because I never wear clothes! He said he always loved me no matter what, but I'm more approachable now. He tells me I'm a different person than I was a year ago! And, we're having more fun together than ever!

I say talk to him. Get him to tell you the things about yourself that are different and better. I think you'll be surprised at his response! Or, he could just be a jerk! I hope not!

[Jachut 487]

I agree. And I have to be completely honest - my DH is also banded and has lost about 50lb. I did begin to find him, hmmmm, not unnattractive because I loved him but not as hot as he used to be. He looks way hotter now and I do find myself initiating things, not just waiting till he did.

So whilst I would be hurt and angry too, I can understand it and I know for sure I'm way more often in the mood now that I dont feel disgusting. I enjoy showing off and wearing nice stuff and all of that and it does make you more attractive because you behave as if you like YOURSELF.

[tinabeanabug 0]

THANKS!!! I'm glad to know Im not the only one.

[tinabeanabug 0]

Im finding that communication is helping. We are talking more than ever. He was feeling alittle intimidated by the attention I am getting. I know he loves me so we will work it out. Hang in there and just focus on getting healthy. That is what its all about.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Don't forget that men are visual creatures. They may still love you when you have put on weight, but they really can't help themselves that they find you more appealing when you suddenly start to look hot to them again. I am not saying it's right, but it seems to be human nature with men.

[Renob 1]

Hate to say it but we are not the same people when we get fat!!! that sexy on the outside person is gone and being a guy thats key for many of us being we are so visual I dont think its shallow at all its just the way it is.

Being the same person is the complete package not just whats on the inside, so enjoy yourself and his new interest in your body.

[skinnyoneday 2]

I don't know how you ladies looked when you had just started dating and married your husbands but... In my case when we started dating I was in great shape and always said I would never allow myself to get fat. I was a fanatic about looking good. When I got pregnant with my son it was a license to eat anything and everything in sight - afterall it wouldnt be fair to deprive the baby. Right after I had my son I jumped back on trying to get myself in shape. It worked for a while but then I started getting unmotivated and weight kept creeping up. Due to this and other issues my marriage started to dissolve. My husband started getting angry and this was demonstrated by his distancing himself from me. We went through some rough times. I would always lash out at him and he would go into himself. I was too expressive and he was too dismissive refusing to entertain my argumentative behavior. Anyway, instead of making this story too much longer, when we finally started to just talk to each other he let me know that when I started gaining weight he felt as though I didn't care about him anymore. Even before we got married he said he didn't want a fat wife and I always said (and meant) that I would always keep myself "hot". I didn't keep my promise and he felt like I'd betrayed him. When I started to lose the weight he started chasing me and I couldn't help to feel the way you felt. I had bouts of anger and hurt but I kept those feelings to myself and had to let them go. I love this man too much to hold onto those feelings. They're destructive and not worth it. But as some said open communication is necessary to the health of your marriage. Hope everything works out.

[Fanny Adams 7]

Give the poor guy a break! He's damned if he does, damned if he doesn't... how would you feel if he WASN'T noticing the losses? It sounds like he's just trying to be encouraging - don't let your own paranoia sour his good intentions.

[Kristine73 1]

My hubs tells me everyday he loves me. He kisses me good morning and good night. But I can't remember the last time he initiated sex. Shoot, I can't remember sex :cool:

Last night he told me he could wait for me to get "all sexy," again .... huh

Personally, that hurt. I love him and I have never said no to him, unless I was sick or hurting (endometriosis and PCOS). I've been up and down on the scales over our 16 years of marriage. He's always told me that he loves me no matter what and no matter the weight. But, when he made that comment last night, I got pissed. I begged, cried and bribed for sex .... rarely happens. I'd like to say that when I get 'all sexy' again, I won't be petty and push him away to show hom how it feels, but right now I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind.

[ksill18 0]

Lap Band 3 months ago and I have lost almost 30 pounds. My husband has suddenly (after 2 plus years) noticed once again I'm alive...I feel angry... well... more hurt by this. I thought the attention he is giving me would make me happy. I was wrong. We are a million miles apart when we are standing next to each other...in my opionion. I know he loves me and I love him but I can't seem to get past the feelings of being hurt and pushed to the wayside for so long.

Well i am a man and from my prospective its not all his fault. you gained the weight and he did not gain it for you. Were you making the effort before you lost to be outgoing sexually to him? He still loved you before but now he sees this sexy women he fell in love with emerge out of her fat suit and he has had an explosion of love. Dont be angry just embrace it. I think you may be thinking way to much into his actions. Your anger now can drive him away forever.....be careful and get over it. Embrace your new life together and be happy!!!!!!! Congrats!!!

[maryrose 2]

I have the opposite problem. My husband has not given me one compliment after my 83 lb. weight loss.

I also had a breast reduction and have been getting a lot of compliments that I look 10 years younger.

What's with that?

:thumbup: