Why dont my friends want me around??

j_war06 · August 8, 2005

Ever since I let ppl know I am getting the band I have lost atleast 2 friends and a bf. I just dont understand. I thought they would be happy for me. I dont get invited to clubs, parties, to go dancing, to hang out, nothing except to watch dumb ol movies. I just dont get it?? I want to go, and I cant unless someone goes with me and my friends dont want me to go with them, they always sneak off and go. I wanna go have fun, these walls of this house are getting so old!!

penguins4ever · August 8, 2005

I too, have lost my bf because of this. She is thin, not MO, so it is not a matter of her thinking I would leave her behind. I have not seen her since the day of my surgery. She was there and that was in May. She lives less than 2 miles away. Where is the support she said she would always have for me? I miss her, but I realize now that she is not ready for me to be physically different. It is really sad.

LilAngel · August 8, 2005

Jodie,

You just hang in there. People don’t deal with change very well, or especially things that they can’t relate to or don’t understand at all. This will be a very difficult time for you all around, but don’t lose sight of the goal. You are going to start a new life and the friends you will have in this new life you may not even know yet. Why is it you can’t go alone? Are you nervous about flying solo, or do you live with your parents and it has to do with having permission? Some of my most favorite trips to the movies were on my own. I was single for four years and often had no friends around to hang with. It took some getting used to at first, but I really liked it after a while. Especially not having to compromise on what movie I wanted to see, and not having to justify liking my girly flicks. And I could cry at the end all I wanted! Sorry, I am still a sucker for a romantic comedy/ or love story. J Long story short, those folks are being selfish and are completely clueless. Just go it alone, if you can. If not, dig into some music, or maybe create something! Got any creative threads in those bones? It is a great way to entertain yourself. Best Wishes - Angel

j_war06 · August 8, 2005

I live with my Mom and Dad. Plus, young females do not go anywhere alone around here because it is EXTREMELY dangerous. I try to do something here at home, but my attention just cant stay on it. I dont know how many puzzles, craft, crayola coloring pages, or games I have started and just couldnt stand to finish because it required being still and a lot of time. I cant stand to just work on one thing, I have to work on a thousand things (and be stressed to the max) to feel like I have accomplished something.

Anwyn · August 8, 2005

Hi Jodie,

It's sad, but it doesn't seem at all uncommon to lose friends once you've had WLS. It seems that they break up into two camps - the ones who are true friends and who stick with you through it all and the ones who can't get over their own insecurities and jealousies. I've only been banded two weeks, and I can already put every friend I have into these two groups. I know from your other posts that you are housebound unless someone takes you with them, so it's no easy matter to go on your own. Hang in there and concentrate on being the best friend you can be to the people who deserve it.

Another thing to consider, and I confess I am completely guilty of this, is that when we're planning on weight loss surgery and going through all of the crap we have to go through before, during, and after surgery we tend to be a little... okay, a lot self-centered. I realized yesterday when I was talking to my sister that I had been going on and on about my liquid diet and the weight I was trying to lose. I hadn't even thought to ask how she was doing. So make sure you're being a good friend too - they may be staying away because it's always about you right now. Good luck with everything!

DeLarla · August 8, 2005

Consider it a growing experience and make new friends. If they were real friends, they'd still be around.

mercedes · August 8, 2005

Hi Jodie,

I think I remember you posting here that you can hardly walk and that your condition is so bad that it is even very hard on you to type.

If you shared that info with your friends, maybe they think that you can't dance anymore and that you wouldn't be able to handle a night out. If you were my friend and had told me of some of the physical disabilities that you were having (and they sounded very severe) I would be afraid that you'd get hurt or collapse while out.

So you might need to let them know that you are feeling able to do those kinds of things again and I betcha they'd lose their fear and invite you out.

It's worth a try : )

Good luck and have a great day : )

j_war06 · August 8, 2005

"So you might need to let them know that you are feeling able to do those kinds of things again and I betcha they'd lose their fear and invite you out."

I already did. That is why me and my bf broke up. He always leaves me at home to go and do stuff. This is the prob. They sneak off so I wont guilt trip them into going. They "dont want any attachments." These are the only people in this town my age that havent screwed me over, and now they are on the list too. I have run out of peers.

debri85 · August 10, 2005

Dear Jodie,

I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better. It could be that they just don't understand what you have been and are going through. They can't identify or empathize with you. I'm guessing they are the same age as you and possibly, they don't want to be different and they don't want you to be different.

It takes a strong person to take on what you have and you obviously have a strength of spirit and personality unique in someone so young, to make a major change in your life...they may find that intimidating...who knows...whatever it is, the most important thing, and I realize you may not feel it right now, is that you are doing a good thing for yourself. Excess weight is so unhealthy and limiting.

You didn't list where you live but if you live in a large area, research youth groups, such as through your church (if you attend), the YMCA or YWCA if you are lucky enough to have one in your area. Check with your school counselor. What are your interests, do you sing, check on a choir, the school music teacher could probably help...do you like to read...go to your library and see if there are book groups for young people...if not, maybe you could start one....are you artistic, check on art classes...

If you live in a really small town, some of these things might apply...

One thing to remember is that in all things, we usually have to find our own way and we have to do what's best for us....

I hope this doesn't sound condencending, I don't mean for it too...

Deb

I'llsucceed · August 10, 2005

I too have lost a friend just recently & am currently not talking to one of my sisters. Sometimes we need to look deep with in ourselves & find out what we may be doing wrong. I have done this and found out I have done NOTHING wrong-LOL LOL :0) :0) Even so, I called my friend up & said on her machine I wasn't sure why she stopped communicating with me but I was sorry if I did something wrong & that I missed her friendship.

Maybe you can do the same & ask them when they call or you see them that you would like to understand why they have stopped hanging with you. They may realize they are the ones at fault or they may realize they have simply out grown the friendship. At least in the end you can say you've tried to be the more adult person & do the everything possible to save the friendships. Maybe they may surprize you. Maybe not. Just keep your head up & kill them with kindness & work on yourself right now. They'll come around & when they do - who knows maybe you won't even have time for them because you've met someone else. Good Luck.