female only Help I lost weight and lost mind

[Guest Lil mama]

Ok where to start... I know this post will probably open me up for all types of responses. But I think brutal hoonesty is what I need.I have read other post that talk about low self esteem, thinking we don't look good etc. I am not sure if that is my problem or not.

First let me start by explaning why I think I am stuck on stupid. I have been married for 15yrs to a wonderful man. Of course he has his flaws but he is great and supportive and loves me to death. He is better than any man I could have hoped to some day marry. All that said...there is a guy from my past who has come back into my life. This guy had a strange affect on me when I was younger (20Yrs ago) and still does. When he and I first started to communicate again we kinda picked up where we left off. By that I mean we had a lot of conversations married people don't have with other married people. But I always knew because of the way I looked and felt about my body nothing would ever happen. I guess my fat was protecting me from being REALLY stupid. Well now 60 lbs later those thoughts of "never going to happen" are fading away and I could really see myself sleeping with this other man. I know in my head that this is as wrong as two left shoes but my body is telling my head to shut the hell up.

I would never want to jepordize what I have with my husband. But my desire to be with this other man is kind of overwhelming. I have never in all the time my husband and I have been together had feelings like this for anyone. Now my younger days are different but I like to think I have grown since then. I am hoping a old ** can learn new tricks. Sorry that was in poor taste!:whatchutalkingabout

I don't know if anyone else has went through anything as silly as this if so as I said I welcolme what ever comments y'all have. Even if you have not gone through it I would like to hear from you. It is not something that I can really talk to friends and family about. :wub:

[Jachut 487]

I think if people are honest, many of us have met certain people during our married lives that could easily have been partners in other situations. Its whether you act on it or not that determines your strength of character.

It doesnt make you feel good to have these feelings and its very tempting to indulge just so far and then think you can draw the line. That's normal, and there's never just ONE person for anyone, there's all sorts of people out there that you find you have great chemistry with.

It takes a lot of strenght to remove the temptation from your life and boy, after 25 years with one person, I can appreciate just how tempting it may be, but you have to really think about what you would be risking.

I dont judge you at all, I feel empathy towards the stress you're probably feeling. But you've done nothing yet that cant be simply forgotten.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

You say you don't want to jeopardize what you have with your husband. Can you put yourself in his shoes and try to imagine how he would feel if he found out you slept with this man?

I am not judging you either. I would imagine this happens a lot. They even had a show on Oprah about women doing things they regretted after losing a lot of weight with WLS. But you really have to think about this and your children (if you have children) and your husband. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

Suppose he came to you and said he loved you but this old flame popped up and he couldn't help himself so he slept with her.

You have a lot of thinking to do.

[Guest Lil mama]

I have put myself in his shoes and I know what I would feel. I would be crushed and I know he would be too. I know how stupid I am being for even considering it, I just don't really understand why I would consider it.

Thank you guys for the advice. It is weird how you can know something but it means so much more when it comes from someone else.

[OH Juli 15]

You've considered it because you are human.

You've also considered the outcomes and how you are not willing to risk hurting all the parties involved because you are a smart and compassionate human.

Love your husband and relegate the other man to where he belongs, in the land of "what could have been."

Be strong.

[kgloverii 0]

In this one, you need to stop thinking of yourself and think instead of your husband. What would you do to HIM if you did that? And how hurt would he be knowing you are entertaining the thought of it?

The guy you are 'hot for...' Remember... he's having inappropriate conversations with a married woman. He's hurting HIS wife too. That means he probably can't hold a candle to the honest man you call your husband. AND, if you did something with 'other guy'... how could you ever trust him not to do the same to you?

You need to COMPLETELY extricate yourself from this situation. Cut all ties with him. You're already having an emotional affair with him. Continue, and statistically, it will turn physical. Concentrate on the man who you've promised to honor and cherish. Think about it from your husband's perspective... the complete lack of honor and respect you are giving him by carrying this on.

I hope you know, I am NOT flaming you. I just hope my words will help you realize that a little infatuated passion is nothing that should end up ruining lives.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Those are very wise words. It's important to remember this is just an infatuation. It's easy to daydream about the "what ifs" The only way to make sure this goes know further, is to remove the temptation from your life. Tell him you are flattered by the attention, but you love your husband and you are not the kind of woman who would cheat on her husband.

Then cut off all contact!

[Guest Lil mama]

I was talking to a friend yesterday haveing general conversation about cheating. I could never tell her about me, but she shares her experiences with me. Anyway I think to justify what she has done she said she thinks some people are destined to cheat based on their background (ie parents). She said she grew up with people who showed that being faithful was not a number one concern. From that she has at least in her mind justified the fact that she has stepped out already in her very new marriage.

This all sounds rediculous to me but does anyone else believe you can actually cheat because you are predisposed to do so? Is seeing your parents cheat like a abuse that you repeat as a adult?

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

No, that really should have nothing to do with it. Marriage is based on trust.

there are people who say they have "an open marriage" I just don't get that. When you get married, you take vows to be faithful. If someone plans on not being faithful, why get married?

[hopefulchurch 0]

Lil Mama, I admire your courage to post your situation. I can assure you, your not the only person experiencing this temptation. Most people wouldn't slow down enough to consider the wisdom others might share. You are very smart to have reached out for support! I agree with the advice of the others. As hard as it is, before this goes any further, you need to turn and run away as fast as you can! If you don't, it will be support you need for a different reason before long...a suffering marriage. If your husband is indeed a good man, you need to hold on to him tightly. They are a rare breed! I wouldn't suggest confessing all to him, but it might not be a bad idea to let him know you feel vunerable right now and allow him to stroke you emotionally instead of someone else. Just an idea that has helped me in the past.

[Guest Lil mama]

It is crazy because when you can't talk about it with anyone you definitely feel like you are the only one out there on your own.

I keep reading about all these guys that are insecure because they are afraid after the weight their wives will change and here I am one of them. Oh let me give the special update… as of today me and this guy don’t talk nearly as often I distanced myself from him some but not completely. Anyway he said he loves me. I think he just loves the conversations we have or had but it was weird that he even said it. That was actually the reason I started to distance myself from him.

I have made the decision to completely cut off contact with him because the temptation is too tempting. The scariest thing to me is that I realized (or admitted to myself) I actually miss talking to him. I guess I miss the attention, but I will get over it because I am not willing to lose what I have for something that has no future outside of sex.

Funny if it were me giving the advice to someone else this would be black and white… simple no need for questions but when it’s me I guess the low self esteem or selfishness (on my part) has gotten in the way.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

it might not be a bad idea to let him know you feel vulnerable right now and allow him to stroke you emotionally instead of someone else.

That is a very good idea. Your husband would be hurt if he knew everything, but it would be good if you told him you need him more now, that you feel emotional and need his support.

[Candle 11]

Lil mama -

You are doing the right thing distancing yourself from this guy. Trust me - you do not want to be feeling like I do!

[HeatherO 7]

I agree with distance and cutting off contact. It will just make it easier on everyone.

Part of being tempted with another happens because our lives sometimes fall into ruts.

Talking to your husband about feelings of vulnerability is one way to combat it, but men are not always sure how to handle these kinds of conversations.

However, perhaps just spicing up your love life a little and trying to reconnect with your husband can help you to overpower these other feelings. Perhaps a romantic dinner, overnight get away with a jacuzzi room, or just trying to go back to the way things were at a spicier time in your marriage might help.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

I have put myself in his shoes and I know what I would feel. I would be crushed and I know he would be too. I know how stupid I am being for even considering it, I just don't really understand why I would consider it.

Thank you guys for the advice. It is weird how you can know something but it means so much more when it comes from someone else.

Ok, you can were honest so I hope you gave us full permission to be honest as well.

Sometimes no matter how much you love someone there may be something missing--obviously your friend has found that hole and you have built a bond with it. Not ideal to do when you are married.

You are considering it because it is new, you are new and it is exciting. But the more you think it through the less exciting it will become because you will think about reality.

My advice, figure out what this guy is doing that your man is not and then get it from your man. AFTER you cut it off with him. If you don't want to loose your marriage it really is the only thing you can do.

Trust me, unless you are looking to end your marriage you don't want to go there. The truth always comes out!

Good luck to you! We are here if you need us!