Relationship changes

[kaytiebugs 0]

The purpose of this thread was not to bash my husband (who I am married to and don't plan on leaving), but to get advice. He said one thing to me... he hasn't held me down or lowered my self esteem aside from that one comment. I've deleted the original post and I'd appreciate it if we could all let this thread die. My hubby is a good man.

Thanks for those who provided me with advice.

Edited September 16, 2008 by kaytiebugs

[HeatherO 7]

You really shouldn't let one comment a couple of years ago wear you down. Especially if he has not repeated the sentiment over all of this time.

If it is still bothering you so much, you should have a discussion with him about it and how it made you feel. There could be a different meaning to that comment if you put it into context. What was the dynamic at the time? Were you suffering from health problems, etc.

[aubrie 6]

I kind of know how you feel. When I was at my biggest, for two years my husband didn't cuddle, hold me, make love..... nothing. I was so heartbroken. (We've been married for 18 years). I was convinced he was having an affair, but he still swears he never did. Now that I've lost weight, he chases after me like he's in rut. Not that I'm complaining, but it does strike a deep nerve. I'm still the same person. I haven't changed on the inside. It really hurts my feelings too. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's so not fair. But according to my husband, sex is a "visual" thing for a man, and if it's not there, it's not there. Now that I look more like myself again, he's all into it. I have to admit, in my quiet moments I REALLY resent it.

[kaytiebugs 0]

This was before we found out about my health problems. But I just can't help but be angry at him for being so pig headed and vain. He's been a lot more understanding since we found the reason for my weight issues and inability to lose. It just still hurts. I can see where he's coming from, but still.

Letting it out kinda helped. I haven't ever told anyone. I never discuss anything about my marriage with anyone. I hear my girlfriends gripe about their spouses and it makes me think all kinds of negative things about both them and their spouse. I don't want people thinking negatively of my hubby, nor do I want people thinking I'm a nag or ugly to my hubby.

You really shouldn't let one comment a couple of years ago wear you down. Especially if he has not repeated the sentiment over all of this time.

If it is still bothering you so much, you should have a discussion with him about it and how it made you feel. There could be a different meaning to that comment if you put it into context. What was the dynamic at the time? Were you suffering from health problems, etc.

[china 1]

hi kaytiebugs,

i know how you feel as i have been there before. you have a right to feel that way. i couldn't get over what was said to me tried to deal with it for a few more monthes but, it was just making matters worst. went from having sex almost everyday to maybe 1 a month. we weren't married but, had been together for 5 years. i took my baby and left. why becuz in deserve more than that. plus i didn't want my daughter to think that it was ok to focus on ones weight. i said to him i supported you throught 3yrs of not having a job. you have the nerve to tell me to loose weight or you would leave. no you dont have to leave me im already gone. like i said it took time for me to reach that point.

till this day there is still that hatered toward him for the way he made me feel but,i have to get along with his norrow mined a$$ for the sake of my daughter. i told him he is a good father but, he was not a good partner. took him 2yrs and 4 women to say sorry. i have moved on im with someone that excepts me as i am. how dare your husband say this. ya took a vow for better or worst. what if the shoe was on the other foot?

in my opion your hubby seem selfish. there is bigger things in life to worry about. people chang everyday some for the good others for the bad. what if you told your husband if he ever starts to look old you will leave how do you think he would feel?. i think you should tell your husband how he made you feel. he might not even know he hurt you but, he does.

[china 1]

ok kaybug,

just read you have a health problem so that changes things alot. you said he is now more understanding. that is good i can be worked out. mines wasn't. nothing wrong with having to talk to some one every now and then. your right its hard on both parties. but, if he makes you feel funny they talk to him. so he can understand your point. my ex wasn't willing to talk just wanted thing his way so i sent his a$$ packin.

but, i see that's not the case with your hubby and you. it doesn't sound like he knows how you feel about what he said. talk to him.

sorry for the misunderstanding.

[artistapril 5]

this is a very tricky situation. first of all.. I am so sorry he said this to you.. something like that can stay with someone forever and for it to come from someone you love so deeply is unacceptable.

Ok.. giving him the benefit of the doubt... was he joking when he said it? (not that is is a joking matter).

You said that you both are brutally honest with each other (my hubby n i are too). sit him down and tell him how it made you feel and let him know you cannot let go of it. Ask him to explain to you why he would feel this way and why he felt it was acceptable to say something so hurtful.

I know you love him and dont want to leave him.. but this situation really needs to be talked thru. He needs to know how much he hurt you.

I hope you are able to work thru this.. it is not a good feeling to be put in that kind of situation

*hugs*

[Esmeralda 2]

This situation is so similar to what I went through, I use to notice after my 1st son that my husband was very different with me, when he meet me I was 180 and during my pregnancy went up to 230 after my son was born I went from 200 to 245 up and down all the time, then one day I asked him why he didnt take me out and he told me straight out he was embarrased of me because I was fat, that did it I was out the door and that is one things I can't never forgive him for, shortly after we divorced and later I remarried but it also didnt work out because my second husband didnt want me to loose weight so in 01/2005 I had my surgery (still married) went through a pregancy (delivered 04/2006) then a seperation (07/2007) and finally my cosmetic surgery in Feb 2008. At my largest I was 258 today I am 152 and thanks to my husband I still can't except my weight and I still hate him for what he did to me mentally. I am learning to cope with it but its hard especially because I married very much in love with that man but my love quickly turned to anger. I can not except for someone to treat me like that I have to much pride.

[heartfire 4]

Counseling

[Esmeralda 2]

Where would you start???

[luluc 6]

Where would you start???

counseling for yourself, would be a great start. till you get a really healthy body image & self appreciation - every other relationship will be marred with the words of your ex. katiebug, i suggest the same. if you can't let go of the anger - it will own you, no matter how much you lose.

this thread just made me appreciate my husband that much more. i too was 125 on my wedding day - and got up to 200 w/out a single word, unkind action by him. i was disgusted, humiliated & miserable - but he never showed anything but love - guess he deserves a big hug tonite!!

[Esmeralda 2]

Its true that it affects other relationships because with my current boyfriend I am constantly telling him how big I am, how cloths looks funny on me, I also don't like when guys give me compliments I take them the wrong way. I don't even allow him to really see be when we are intimate because I don't think I look good, its really hard to except yourself when you already know you have a weight problem and someone you really love tells you "I am embarrased by you because your big".

On the other hand my ex know is when this lady who is short, fat and ugly and every time he calls me he asks for barbie, that really makes me mad because I feel like he is making fun of me.

[ReadyInCT 0]

Katiebugs, I'm sorry but I couldn't help myself. I've been married for 27 years. Honesty between spouses is essential ~ even when it's brutal and not what we want to hear. From my experience only, I can tell you that my husband [who I love dearly] occasionally says things that deeply impact me and he forgets almost as soon as the words come out of his mouth ~ LOL! I dwell on them and get annoyed with him and he doesn't have a clue why I am annoyed or mad. Which, of course, just makes things worse! After 27 years I have learned something. You love him and he sounds terrific so try to forget it. He has. Don't let it have a negative impact for one more minute of your life. Live really is too short.

[Esmeralda 2]

Sorry Katibugs I kind of took over you thread, but this hits home hard and it angers me to see that other people also go through the same things as me. Sorry!!!!!