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I've been fat/chubby all my life but in 1985 when I stopped smoking I put on 60 more pounds to my fat/chubby body. I have lost 50 pounds twice but it came back on plus an extra 10. I would love to be even where I was before 1985 at 170 which was still high but not as high as 243. So here I am waiting for December 20th my band date.

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You are the first person to mention drinking. This is definitely my biggest problem, and it's going to be the hardest to get a handle on after my surgery. I drink wine every night. I start when I am fixing dinner, and I don;t stop until I go to bed. I have read plenty of info telling me to get a handle on this before I get banded, but I have tried with no luck.

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I'm like you-I look at pictures where I hated myself-and I'd love to be that size again! I remember thinking that 170 was HUGE-now I'll take it gladly!

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I drink wine every night. I start when I am fixing dinner, and I don;t stop until I go to bed.

This may or may not be a big problem. Just how much wine do you drink between dinner and bedtime? You can drink up to dinner, then eat, wait an hour, then sip some more. If it's only a matter of 6-8 ounces of wine, you could work that into your calories for the day.

On the other hand, if you are talking about a bottle or more, everyday! now, that might be an entirely different issue.

So, is it just a bad habit or is it a PROBLEM? Only you know. Talk about it! All of us do some emty calories more than occasionally. It's tough, but when the empty calories are alcohol, alot, everyday, you are dealing with similar problems that smokers have. Or worse? Banded or not, it's something to contend with. Oy vey. That's a toughie!

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Guest Miss Losin Lot'

Hi Everyone (I'm new to this board)

I can't believe this thread and how I relate in one way or many to every single response. I'm fat (but getting smaller) because...........

I was raised in a home with an abusive, alcoholic dad who made life resemble one walking on egg shells, which lead to me having an anxiety disorder (not diagnosed until adulthood). My medication of choice was food. It never left me, hurt me or made me sad (at the time anyway). It was my comfort during life's trials growing up. I used food as my friend. I had a mom who was rail thin, could eat anything she wanted. I use to raid her candy stashes and get yelled at. I use to raid the fridge at night and she'd sneak up behind me and yell out DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU NEED THAT! My reply was to always eat more.

As an adult, and as harder times hit, food became even more of a comfort for me. My mother died at an early age from cancer and despite her reactions to me being overweight, we we're best friends. The only thing that took the stabbing pain I felt in my heart that came with losing her...was food. My father died suddenly of a massive heart attack and left me with the evilest step mother one can imagine who tied me up in court for three years...food saw me through it all. My husband deployed for war, on and on and as these things happened I grew more attached to food. For it never let me down. I grew to just adore the taste of food and I became addicted to it.

Fast food was my best best friend and I would (and sometimes still do) sit and think on where I would eat next. To this day the thought of food consumes my mind for long periods of time. Much like Delarla, my mind thinks all the time and alot of the thoughts surround food. I also get upset, and feel anxious at the thought of just one taco. So much so that even with a band...I will still order more food than I am capable of eating. And if I confessed to exactly how many trips I take in a month to the grocery store...you all would be amazed.

I still fill my plate with food KNOWING I cannot in any way eat near what's on it. And for me......I will go all day long and not eat one thing.....but come evening time I have a very hard time with controlling myself. Has nothing to do with hunger. It's a very STRONG URGE....to eat good food. I will eat dinner and within an hour....even though I'm not hungry, this URGE hits me to eat more. When I fight it, anxiety hits me like a brick.

I'm obsessed with food. My sister will call and I will ask her what she had for dinner and then I'll ask her what was in it and did it taste good. She laughs and says she's never known anyone to be in love with food the way I am. She's right.

I had lapband surgery a year and 3 months ago. I'm by no means even close to being a good lapband patient. I skip meals, I go hungry, and I don't drink enough Water. My greatest fear is gaining the weight I've lost back. I'm terrified in fact. I remember how miserable I was. How my clothes we're ugly, I couldn't exercise, I hurt all over, breathing was a chore and if I was faced with a flight of stairs, I climbed them slowly and while praying that I wouldn't just drop dead in front of everyone. There I'de be, dead with people staring saying...well no wonder, look at her! All of these things would pass through my mind any time I was faced with excertion.

I feel most day's like I have a battle going on inside of me. On one side is my addiction/love for food.....on the other is the fear of failure and going back to what I once was.....Someday's......I can't breath. Not because I'm not fit, but because I'm scared half to death, just like I was growing up.

Thanks for listening......and thanks for this thread.


AKA: Miss Losin' Lot's

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Why am I fat....I wasnt always fat.

As a child I was chubby, not with a tiny frame like my mom and lil sis. They were always petite and tiny. I was build like grandma Stephenson.. To this day I am the same height as her and have the same shoe size.

When I started jr high I sprouted and by my senior year in hs I was 5'10, 135 lbs. My mom still called me fat be cause I wasnt 5'6 and 110 lbs. I have since gotten over that.

The reason I am fat now is that it is SAFE. Can I get an amen from anyone? After coming to the realization of abuse in my childhood and the lookin for love in all the wrong places because my daddy didnt want me, I got married and it was okay. I had found my safe place to fall.

When I have tried to loose weight before, I have always reached a point where someone (a man) will comment on my appearance. Not gross or distasteful, but to me it would trigger something deep inside me and I would stop off at Micky D's for a QP w/ C. Why do I do that? Because my safety suit helps me to not have to deal with why I am not okay in my mind being vulnerable. Does this make since to anyone else?

I am currently working with a Psyc from my church...Yes, they do have those, and I am dealing with those issues BEFORE they arise. Not while I am in the middle of the emotions and a little or a lot unstable.

I WILL be healthy, strong, and safe in my real body that has been hiding for years because of fear and not having enough faith in myself or in God to walk through the hard times.

WHeew... That was hard.

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Why am I fat????

1. I love food... I thought food loved me.

2. I am lonely.

3. I am a manipulator. I manipulate myself.

4. I carry alot of shame.

5. I confuse boredom with hunger.

6. I don't pay attention to myself. I take care of everyone else.

7. I need the FEELING food gives me even if it is for a split second sometimes.

8. I need the unity food brings with groups of people.

9. I try to fill myself

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I am fat because of the "starving children in Africa!" In all honesty, I am fat because of the choices I made.

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So many reasons - all self inflicted.

In my family - food is love. Love is food.< /p>

I LOVE to eat!

Contributing factor - as a kid I didn't have much to do except eat. I was SUPER PAINFULLY SHY - and when I didn't have friends - I always had food.

I gained 40 lbs in the summer between 5th and 6th grade (already 140 in 5th - started 6th at 180) - buying sweets (secretly after choir practice) and laying in bed reading comics and eating!

Then Mom put me (and my sisters) in TOPS with her and all of that dieting really made me even more fat and I developed absolutely horrible habits from that experience. If you gained you would sit in the "Pig Pen" and sing (to the tune of My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean): "I am the Pig of my tops club, I am the cheater this week, I am the pig of my tops club - I've cheated and now I must squeak, oink, oink, oink, oink, ..." and it ended with: "I won't cheat till I'm slender again". Then you would have to put a sign in your front yard that said "I am the pig of my tops club". It was given to the biggest gainer. - I LOVED those women - in those days no one knew any better and they did what they could and it really was fun - but it was the start of horrible things for me. We would starve two days before the meeting then eat a million calories when we got home from the meeting. I would take laxatives and Water pills the day before - etc. etc. Diet pills too were the norm off and on for many years.

Later in my life I became bulimic - laxatives were my choice of weight control. Got over that when I married at the age of 27 and couldn't hide the mad dashes to the bathroom from my new husband - he thought I was really ill and insisted that I see a doctor - so end of that.

Had a few years of success with WW - probably 10 total years of "normal" weight in my 50 years of life. Oh yea - I had 2 years of success with Phen Fen too - but we all know how that ended.

Besides TOPs and WW - I did Jenny Craig, Personal Physician, Phentermine alone, Phen-Fen, Atkins, South Beach, Starvation, Water Diet, Diet Center, Nutri Systems, Slim Fast, Spa Petite, Curves 5 Week Plan, Overeaters Annonymous, and more that I can't even remember any more.

The last 10 years - all bad. Up, up, up - sad, sad, sad.

I'm 49 y.o. and have made a decision that I will not face age 50 in July with the same probs that I've had all my life. Life is too precious for that - a gift that should not be wasted!

LB Surgery by Dr. Kuri (Mex) if all goes as planned - in January.

Love to all who post here - what would we do without the encouragement and support of those who understand only too well?


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I am fat for many reasons....many I have known for a long time.

I had an abusive childhood and learned in my teen years that boys don't like fat girls.....well that was not completely true.

I have many different illnesses/addictions in my family. There is a lot of alcoholism, depression and anxiety. I was lucky enough to get the anxiety and some of the health issues such as high cholesterol (from age 14) good blood pressure, but asthma that was not diagnosed until I was in college. I HATE to exersize!!!!!!!!!!

My father was always a very big man who treated me poorly because I am a girl. So I can remember him doing many things that revolved around food, such as buying food for him and my brother but my mother and I could not touch it, or buying food for himself. It was not uncommon growing up to go out shopping and buy the big 1lb candy bars for each person, two for my brother and more for my father.

In high school I did Nutra Systems and got down, yes down, to 190 which is the smallest I can remember being. I was smaller at one point, but as I said above things were not good for me as a teen. Even when I was smaller, I was always bigger than everyone else. It was the "big bones" on both sides of the family.

So here I am at age 32, happily married for 10 years and at 291 being my highest weight this summer, I am the smallest in my family. The only people smaller are active alcoholics. (My grandmother starts every morning and ends every day with a beer. She does not drink anything else)

After some therapy with very skilled therapists and a very supportive family I can answer the question honestly....................................

So why am I fat, for many reasons.....a choice made as a young teenager without understanding that I could not take the weight off as easily as putting it on; family genetics (I took Redux until it was pulled off the market at which time...age 23.....my DR told me that I would be fat until there was a cure such as was found so I needed to deal with it) Now many may think that is harsh but what it did do is help me to be comforable in my own skin all these years. I started to go to the beach and wear comfortable cloths and if someone did not like it they did not have to look. I for the record could never go out in a bikini : )

I am hoping that my band will be the last tool that I need to be healthy. I do not care about size or number on the scale (though under 200 would be nice) as long as I am healthy and active again!!!!!

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Its taken actually getting my band for me to be able to really address this issue and I'm blessed that it's really very simple. I eat too much (or I ate too much).

I've realised since being banded 2 weeks ago that never ever in my life have I had this feeling of satiety between meals. It's incredible to me to feel full like I just ate, yet not be bloated like you are after eating an enormous meal. I never realised just how bottomless I was!

I dont have emotional eating issues. Like most people I tend to pick from boredom but I am now so optimistic that this band will work brilliantly for me because I now know, really my only issue was lack of satiety (if not actually hunger a lot of the time). I've just lost interest in food apart from when I'm hungry now.

Now it's very early days and no doubt a few weeks and a bit more healing and I might be feeling a bit picky again!

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I am fat because:<o></o>

- I hate my body with a frightening intensity and food is the method of destruction that I choose. I don’t smoke or do drugs or drink to dull the pain so food is the weapon of choice.<o></o>

- I thought being bigger would be a cloak of invisibility that would help to protect me from the heartbreak and unhappiness of my thinner self. <o></o>

- Food is my best friend and my worst enemy.<o></o>

- I have become what I feared the most – as can happen. A tall teenager with puppy-fat self-consciously dieted herself into a big, self-destructive middle aged woman.


Twenty-three years is a long time to hate myself and I am so tired of it.

I have discovered that the band is a tool and is not the answer… <o></o>

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wow. It took me almost two hours to read this thread. No, I am not a slow reader but, I did want to take everything in. I can relate to so many of you. There are a lot of things you all said that have stuck with me. I would like to share a few with you.

"I pretty much dislike myself and don't think I am worth the time and energy it takes to eat right and exercise."

"I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me by my weight."

"I hate my body with a frightening intensity and food is the method of destruction that I chose. I don't smoke or do drugs or drink to dull the pain so food is the weapon of choice."

"I don't love myself as I am. I could blame my weight on instances of sexual abuse."

"Being fat helps me to be invisible."

"My weight is linked to my happiness/quality of life."

"Over eating is the socially accepted vice."

"I am fat because I can't fill up something inside."

"I posess a desire to use food as something other than what it was meant for."

"...parents/ grandparents feeling embarassment and disappointment in me and my lack of control over food."

"They eat and eat and don't taste anything."

"I was raised in a home with an abusive, alcoholic (step , in my case) father who made life resemble walking on egg shells."

"...became extremely passive/aggresive due to daily spankings, incest..."

"I have come to realize that because of the abuse in my childhood, I have been looking for love in all the wrong places, because my daddy didn't want me."

"I want to understand what self-esteem truely means."

"...realizing the difference from feeling hungry and realizing that i am just thirsty."

(paraphrased) Do I eat to try to create a warm loving feeling that I felt I never had?

"I will be healthy and strong and safe in my real body that has been hiding for years because of fear and not having enough faith in myself or in God to walk through the hard times."

I am not quoting all these things to make it easier to explain away my being overweight; I chose them because I can so closely relate to them all. They all struck a chord in my heart and my mind when I read them.

For me, my weight gain is attributed to a combination of all the following: a crummy childhood, an abusive relationship with my step father, lack of self confidence due to others in my family constantly nagging me to lose weight(my grand parents tried to bribe me to loose weight. They offered to pay me for each pound I lost. I was motivated until the check never came to reward me). My weight allowed me that safe zone so that men would find me unattractive and leave me alone.

My family is for the most part small framed, despite the fact that I have German/ Dutch/Klammoth Indian in me( all known for thier HUSKY statures). My father is 6'4" and wieghs about 150 soaking wet. My mother is 4'11" and sometimes yo yoed with her weight. The clothes in her closet range frm size 4 to size 16. (What i wouldn't give to wear a 16 right now). My extened family are all small. I ,too was diagnosed with PCOS after gaining 80 pounds in a year.

What it all comes down to is I made bad choices and now I have to do whatever it takes to correct them as best I can. I appreciate all the support I receive here. I look forward to the new year with much anticipation and enthusiam.


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