Why I eat

MeganA · February 25, 2005

Delarla (I hope you don't mind that I hijacked this), in another thread said "And I don't necessarily disagree with it, I just think it needs a lot more work. Yes, I have a disease, I'm just not sure that the disease is Morbid Obesity. I think the obesity part is a symptom of the disease. I call mine OCOD (Obsessive Compulsive Overeating Disorder.) So I am in agreement to a certain degree, I just think the subject needs a lot more research into categories.

"The fact that the band turned off a lot of that "eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat..." chatter seemed evidence to me that at least part of my problem is physical."

I am completely different, because the Band did not turn off the chatter. The chatter won't shut up, it never does. It starts after work and gets louder and louder till I finally fall asleep, which is why the problem isn't physical for me. For me it's 100% mental."

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This really triggered a lot of thoughts with me. When I was at my last therapist's appointment, she diagnosed me with "Obsessive Compulsive tendancies". It has never occured to me that what I have in my head is Obsessive Compulsive behavior. I needed more information, so she explained to me that the Obsession part of OCD is anxiety. Anxiety grows and grows until it is unbearable. The compulsive part is the behavior that is taken to relieve that anxiety. For example: someone who is a germaphobe gets more and more anxious until they wash their hands. This relieves the anxiety for a short period of time. Sometimes it is only fleeting calm, and that person has to wash their hands again and again until the only time they don't feel anxiety is while they are washing thier hands. So, using that example with food, I think I have OCD. My therapist said that I have tendancies, but she stopped short of saying I have the disorder.

I was pretty flabbergasted and scared after our appointment. She wanted to put me on some meds to maybe help...but I just don't know if I want to do that yet. I decided I want to try some natural things first.

So, armed with ten books from the library I set out to inform myself out of this. That's what I always try to do...if i just know enough about something I can make it go away. That's not compulsive at all...geez.

I discovered that what Lisa says is true...my weight is really 100% mental. But I now understand that mental and physical are really one and the same. I don't have control over my "eateateateateat" thoughts. There are hormones and Proteins and all sorts of crap going on in my body that go into my head and tell me to eat. I probably have a lack of saratonin, and that's why carbs are so important to my mental health. Carbs help the body produce or absorb saratonin. So do antidepressents.

I read something that made a lot of sense to me. To paraphrase, it said that a person who has the type of anxiety I do actually gets worse on a low carb diet. That is what they usually recommend to people with mental health issues. My particular kind of anxiety, from the book "Healng Anxiety and Depression" is called "overfocused Anxiety/depression". It says "A higher-Protein, lower carb diet (which enhances focus) may cause people with Overfocused Anxiety/Depression to focus more intently on negative thoughts or behaviors." This was a real ah ha moment for me. Every time I have tried to cut carbs or "do Atkins" I become a raging lunatic inside my head.

So, now I'm still not sure what I am going to do. everything I read says that aerobic exerices is the #1 way to naturally work towards healing depression and anxiety. There are herbs and teas that I can drink. Therapy also is in the cards for awhile.

I guess for once I feel like I have an answer to my weight issue. It isn't my fault, I'm not weak or a failure or lack will power. I have a mental problem that is both physical and mental. My brain chemistry is all f-ed up. No band is going to fix that...in fact I think in some ways it makes it worse. I can't eat enough to change my brain chemistry the way I have in the past. That leads to more anxiety. Also, the changes my body is going through are very strange to me- I weigh less than I have since I was a child. Who am I becoming?

I'll keep you posted on what I do and if it helps. If anyone else has any ideas, let me know. I'm all ears.

Megan

PamRN · February 25, 2005

That's a lot to think about isn't it? That's great info and great insight.

Your research confirms for me what I've always believed. That we are only treating a symptom with our bands, not the actual disease. Finding what disease our weight is a symptom of is something we all need to look into. It may be different for all of us, even though the symptoms are the same.

I am a caregiver, I always take care of everyone else first. For some reason my innerself thinks I don't need or am not worthy of my attention. I can not put my finger on where that comes from. I do know that the weight loss feels wonderful, and I feel so glad that I finally turned my spotlight on me.

I still know that I have to resolve my issues on a mental level to be truely successful, and hope that all of us gain the strength and confidence to do that. I am forever thankful to this site for giving me/all of us, a venue in which to explore virtually everything and anything so we can truely heal.

Gigi001 · February 25, 2005

You are absolutely right. The only time i ever got any respite from the things in my head was working 12 steps with Overeaters Anonymous in Boston -- and sadly I moved from there and did not think it was the same program in my new city. I used to get together with up to 40 women on a Monday to talk about body image/fat thin issues, etc. It was absolutley funny, sad, heartwarming and uplifting all at the same time. Anorxics, bulimics, and the compulsive overeaters. It helped me a great deal, and I still do some of the things I learned in the 12 Steps. OA is not for everyone, but for me it as full of sanity.

But for me being banded isn't the magic bullet, it's just a part of the bullet. Coz the rest has to come from inside me.

DeLarla · February 25, 2005

Geeze, Megan, you might want to come to Vegas a whole week early. We've got some talking to do! Whoosh, that's intense. This thread is so interesting because so far, we are all overweight for different reasons, although Megan seems to be the only one so far with my problem. This is too much for me to digest now since I'm at work, but I'll be studying this thread a lot.

the best me · February 26, 2005

Okay, I think I may have it, too. i have the eateateateat chatter, and the desperate grab it and shove it now so I'll feel better eating. I'm afraid the Band may make it worse, since I will lose a real coping mechanism, shoving food and lots of it fast.

Another thought, the spotlight is on me, and it doesn't feel good. I'm on sensory overload. You should have seen me with 2 kids in the Wal-Mart today. My DH called, "just to see how your'e doing" and I said "Fine, I'm trying to shop and I can't concentrate with the little one and daughter riding on the front of the cart and everywhere I turn I'm in someone's way and I'm trying to push the cart and talk on the phone (insinuating he's part of the problem) and, can I just call you later?" Someone PLEASE give me a SNICKERS!" If I can take some weight off, the spotlight may not be bad...the problem is that now my focus is all on me with upcoming surgery and that everything else; DH, kids, phone, obligations, perfect strangers, are resented interruptions.

I can't afford "real" therapy either, so gimme all you got for free, I'm in!

MeganA · February 27, 2005

Kathy-

I remember being very resentful right before and after I got banded. I finally decided I was worthwhile enough to take this step towards my health, and I felt like no one else got it. I felt like everyone else just wanted a piece of me all the time. It's a very stressful time- there are so many thoughts and fears about the surgery and what happens after. Can you ask your DH for some quiet time where he takes the kids for a while so you have some time to yourself to relax a little?

This too shall pass...

Lisa-

Maybe I should come to Vegas a couple of days early so we can obsess about everything together. I *do* find great comfort that there is someone else out there like me and that I'm not alone. Thanks for your honesty and for letting me use some of your words.

Does anyone have experience with Overeaters Anonymous? I've often thought of going but need more information before I can do it. I am a frady cat about anything new. Exept men. I love new men.

megan

BeachBabe(soon) · February 27, 2005

It's like I'm reading my own thoughts..............

I, too have that wicked, evil voice in my head. Kathy's wal-Mart story freaked me out, been there, done that. And after you've eatten you let out a big sigh of relief. ahhh.........

So it seems like it's a mix between evil voices and getting my needs met. And who unselfishly fixes that dilema....ding dong, it's the chinese I ordered.

the best me · February 27, 2005

Megan, yeah, everyone wants a piece of me, and my taking a few moments to concentrate on me, distracts me from my caregiving...little bit a guilt, I am aware of my neglect of others normally not neglected, guilt, and feeling guilty is what's leading to the resentfulness I feel.

Saturday's Walmart trip was, on the one hand, typical, and on the other, not, because that day...DH had to work(he couldn't watch the kids, stress), we had been out of town (stress) at my grandmother's funeral (stress) and it was my youngest's 2nd birthday (stress) with 12 people to feed for dinner (stress). So yeah, looking back it was probably ALOT more stressful than a normal trip to WalMart. That "feed me" chatter is very loud lately. Perhaps it will settle soon, but even with the band, like Pam said, I am only treating the symptom. I will still need to deal with the eateateateat...gimme some of that Chinese food, Tina!

DH gives me good quiet time, plus I exercise at the gym (with child care there, whew!) and I go to a ladies Bible Study weekly, which is awesome, and I have a gift certificate from my Mother-in-law for a facial I need to schedule, like you said, this too shall pass, so thanks for the encouragement.

You all please keep discussing this OCD line of thought around food, it's interesting and is leading somewhere, I can tell...

Obsession leads to anxiety, which triggers the compulsion of eating to relieve the anxiety, right?