Struggling with being perceived

[Bypass2Freedom 1,012]

Hey everyone,

I was on here talking before about some comments that my partner's family member made, and how it kind of upset me.

Yet again, now more comments are being made but this time from my own Grandma. I had a dessert with my sister whilst we were out and she proceeded to call us 'piggies'.

I know this is just a phrase that a lot of people make, but for some reason it just got to me a bit.

I struggle a lot with being perceived in public, always worrying that I am taking up too much space, or if someone is looking at me, thinking it is for a negative reason around my weight.

It is a really destructive pattern of thinking, I am aware, and I am trying to change it. I just feel really heavy with it all at the moment.

But I think I just needed to rant about it. I am just feeling quite low about a lot of things, and unfortunately, unless you have struggled with your weight, I think it is hard for people to understand the why.

x

[summerseeker 2,388]

Why do you think its you who should change ? Its not you saying these things. Its people who should know better. They are your beloved family after all.

TBH I would have come back with something like - well if I am a pig what does that make you ? The big bad wolf ? I am older and have developed a thicker skin.

I may be delusional but I always think that if someone is looking at me, its because I am gorgeous haha. I smile, flash my lashes and laugh. A woman stared at me for so long once, I went over and asked her was she waiting for my head to fall off.

I know counselling is hard to get here but it would help you, it did me

[Bypass2Freedom 1,012]

42 minutes ago, summerseeker said:

Why do you think its you who should change ? Its not you saying these things. Its people who should know better. They are your beloved family after all.

TBH I would have come back with something like - well if I am a pig what does that make you ? The big bad wolf ? I am older and have developed a thicker skin.

I may be delusional but I always think that if someone is looking at me, its because I am gorgeous haha. I smile, flash my lashes and laugh. A woman stared at me for so long once, I went over and asked her was she waiting for my head to fall off.

I know counselling is hard to get here but it would help you, it did me

I think it is probably a lot of trauma related to my weight specifically! People, especially family, should know better as you say.

A thicker skin is needed at times, I agree. It is just a shame that we have to develop that, rather than people just being kinder.

I need to adopt that haha, I am glad you confronted them!

I currently have therapy and it is definitely something I need to talk about!

Thank you for your reply

[catwoman7 11,278]

I'm not sure what she actually meant by that, but I know I take certain comments differently now that I'm normal size than I did when I weighed almost 400 lbs. If I was eating dessert now and some friend or relative called me a "piggy" (that is, if they said it in a joking manner), I would have just assumed they were teasing me was because I was eating dessert. Before my surgery, I most definitely would have assumed they were referring to my weight. I also remember my mother-in-law teasing my 20-something niece once when we were having pizza for someone's birthday. My niece was wearing some new outfit or something - can't remember - and when she grabbed her third piece of pizza, my mother-in-law jokingly said "you'd better watch it or those pants aren't going to fit" (or something to that effect). She said it in a joking manner and I knew she wasn't referring to Sarah's weight, but Sarah is obese so at the same time, I knew exactly how she (Sarah) would have taken it - and she did. My mother-in-law has never been obese, so she wouldn't have understood how that comment was taken. When I explained it to her afterward (when the party was over and it was just me and her and my husband), she felt terrible about it. I knew she did because she brought it up several times over the course of the next week or so (she also apologized profusely to Sarah)

Edited February 12, 2024 by catwoman7

[NickelChip 1,358]

Oh, hon. My grandma was like that, too. It's so hard, especially if you get mixed messages. Mind you, I take after my grandmother 100% physically. She was a bigger woman from her tee years at least, and on a diet of some kind her entire life (died at 92, though, so despite the obesity, she had a good run). But my God, she would be one minute talking about my weight and the next breath offering me food. Her idea of a portion size was a full 1lb link of Polish sausage. She would put out enough food for Snacks to feed a small army. But then, "Oh, you have to watch it or you'll get fat." I swear there needs to be a patron saint for people trying to be polite to their family members under trying circumstances.

[BabySpoons 632]

41 minutes ago, NickelChip said:

I swear there needs to be a patron saint for people trying to be polite to their family members

If there's one of those, sign me up. I am still pi***d at one of mine for the comment, "you took the easy way out." I got off the phone with her quickly this past Saturday before it escalated.

After the fact I realized I should have said, no it was hard. I just made it look easy. LOL

[NickelChip 1,358]

4 minutes ago, BabySpoons said:

If there's one of those, sign me up. I am still pi***d at one of mine for the comment, "you took the easy way out." I got off the phone with her quickly this past Saturday before it escalated.

After the fact I realized I should have said, no it was hard. I just made it look easy. LOL

There are two responses that come to mind. First, "So what if I did? You don't get a trophy for making your life even harder than it has to be, darling. Be a martyr in your own life if you'd like, but I have better things to do with my time."

The second is a the classic quote from Saturday Night Live, "Jane, you ignorant sl*t..."

[Bypass2Freedom 1,012]

18 hours ago, catwoman7 said:

I'm not sure what she actually meant by that, but I know I take certain comments differently now that I'm normal size than I did when I weighed almost 400 lbs. If I was eating dessert now and some friend or relative called me a "piggy" (that is, if they said it in a joking manner), I would have just assumed they were teasing me was because I was eating dessert. Before my surgery, I most definitely would have assumed they were referring to my weight. I also remember my mother-in-law teasing my 20-something niece once when we were having pizza for someone's birthday. My niece was wearing some new outfit or something - can't remember - and when she grabbed her third piece of pizza, my mother-in-law jokingly said "you'd better watch it or those pants aren't going to fit" (or something to that effect). She said it in a joking manner and I knew she wasn't referring to Sarah's weight, but Sarah is obese so at the same time, I knew exactly how she (Sarah) would have taken it - and she did. My mother-in-law has never been obese, so she wouldn't have understood how that comment was taken. When I explained it to her afterward (when the party was over and it was just me and her and my husband), she felt terrible about it. I knew she did because she brought it up several times over the course of the next week or so (she also apologized profusely to Sarah)

I definitely can foresee myself taking comments differently when I am smaller, I suppose a lot of it does have to do with our internal narrative too! It is sad though how comments that people make seem rather thoughtless, and people don't realise how much they have the potential to hurt and stay with a person.

It is really good to hear that Sarah got an apology, because sometimes that means a lot and shows acknowledgement of potential wrongdoing.

[Bypass2Freedom 1,012]

17 hours ago, NickelChip said:

Oh, hon. My grandma was like that, too. It's so hard, especially if you get mixed messages. Mind you, I take after my grandmother 100% physically. She was a bigger woman from her tee years at least, and on a diet of some kind her entire life (died at 92, though, so despite the obesity, she had a good run). But my God, she would be one minute talking about my weight and the next breath offering me food. Her idea of a portion size was a full 1lb link of Polish sausage. She would put out enough food for Snacks to feed a small army. But then, "Oh, you have to watch it or you'll get fat." I swear there needs to be a patron saint for people trying to be polite to their family members under trying circumstances.

It definitely does add some difficulty when it comes to it being your close family! Especially as I know my Granny probably meant nothing by it, it is just the way in which she talks.

I completely get that haha! I feel that she is always talking about weight and the fact she struggles (mind you, she is probably like a size 10-12 which I'd kill for haha!), but I suppose everyone's struggles look different. But we always tend to have these conversations whilst we are eating!

There really does need to be...

[Bypass2Freedom 1,012]

16 hours ago, BabySpoons said:

If there's one of those, sign me up. I am still pi***d at one of mine for the comment, "you took the easy way out." I got off the phone with her quickly this past Saturday before it escalated.

After the fact I realized I should have said, no it was hard. I just made it look easy. LOL

I quite like that reply, and I shall store that in my bank should I need it after my surgery! 😂

[Bypass2Freedom 1,012]

16 hours ago, NickelChip said:

There are two responses that come to mind. First, "So what if I did? You don't get a trophy for making your life even harder than it has to be, darling. Be a martyr in your own life if you'd like, but I have better things to do with my time."

The second is a the classic quote from Saturday Night Live, "Jane, you ignorant sl*t..."

I have to say, the second quote gets my vote 😂

[Arabesque 7,595]

I’m not excusing your grandmother, but older people tend to lose their filters & think they can say whatever they want. Not all of course but it seems a lot do. I spend a lot of time saying ‘Mum! You can’t say that’. She’s 84. Out of curiosity, did your grandmother also have dessert? My mother often comments on how large someone is while ignoring how big she is. I had enough one day & told her the person was considerably smaller than she is. Stopped her for a while at least. She was never like this before. Like she never said a word when I as nearing or at my highest weight. It’s probably why I get short with her at times because it’s not who she was.

Yes, I do think we can be more sensitive about things people say because of our experiences with bullying & offensive comments. Consequently our immediate thought is that it is another rude & pointed dig. I often wish I was quicker with the pithy comebacks or could politely point out the impact of their words. I also wish I could breathe through or let my negative reactions to certain situations that arise because of my past experiences go.

[Bypass2Freedom 1,012]

@Arabesque I agree with you on that - I do think my Granny has little filter left! Hence why I am trying not to take it too personally as I know she wouldn't have intended any harm. She didn't have any dessert! But she does often comment on how myself, my mum etc, don't leave any food on the plate.

It can be frustrating at times for sure!

It is hard to know how to manage it best sometimes isn't it? I do try to just let things go, but I firmly believe that there are people out there who just need to be told to f**k off haha!

[BlondePatriotInCDA 593]

On 2/12/2024 at 7:16 AM, BabySpoons said:

If there's one of those, sign me up. I am still pi***d at one of mine for the comment, "you took the easy way out." I got off the phone with her quickly this past Saturday before it escalated.

After the fact I realized I should have said, no it was hard. I just made it look easy. LOL

I love the last line, yes you should have said that its a perfect response!

[BlondePatriotInCDA 593]

On 2/15/2024 at 3:02 AM, Bypass2Freedom said:

@Arabesque I agree with you on that - I do think my Granny has little filter left! Hence why I am trying not to take it too personally as I know she wouldn't have intended any harm. She didn't have any dessert! But she does often comment on how myself, my mum etc, don't leave any food on the plate.

It can be frustrating at times for sure!

It is hard to know how to manage it best sometimes isn't it? I do try to just let things go, but I firmly believe that there are people out there who just need to be told to f**k off haha!

On 2/12/2024 at 1:54 AM, Bypass2Freedom said:

Hey everyone,

I was on here talking before about some comments that my partner's family member made, and how it kind of upset me.

Yet again, now more comments are being made but this time from my own Grandma. I had a dessert with my sister whilst we were out and she proceeded to call us 'piggies'.

I know this is just a phrase that a lot of people make, but for some reason it just got to me a bit.

I struggle a lot with being perceived in public, always worrying that I am taking up too much space, or if someone is looking at me, thinking it is for a negative reason around my weight.

It is a really destructive pattern of thinking, I am aware, and I am trying to change it. I just feel really heavy with it all at the moment.

But I think I just needed to rant about it. I am just feeling quite low about a lot of things, and unfortunately, unless you have struggled with your weight, I think it is hard for people to understand the why.

x

Perhaps just come out and ask " why do you feel the need to say hurtful things, and if you don't, perhaps consider how others might take it. You may be joking, but it still hurts." How else will Granny know she's hurting you?

I used to be like you and always thinking others are laughing at me, or talking about my weight etc., but I've just gotten to where I don't care. I told my children when people say bad things about you:

1. Do these people matter to you? if not, then their comments don't matter either. If they do, talk to them because they DO matter to you and they should know they're hurting you with their careless words. If they matter to you then you and they deserve the benefit of talking about it or

2. People say bad things about others because they don't feel good about themselves. So they belittle others to feel better about themselves, they're just sad small people not worth your time or thoughts. Just the fact they do it makes it not worth your time!

Your family and YOU deserve the time to talk about what bothers you, how else will they know, grow and learn?