New to this and facing anger

[Theia103121 21]

Hi!

I'm new here. I went through about six months of the process for WLS about four or five years ago, but I didn't lose weight during the six-month pre-op phase, so things stopped. I had also been running across many horror stories (mostly on social media), which made me think that maybe it was for the best, anyway.

Well, five years later, I weigh no less than I did back then. I have a huge list of co-morbidities, some of which are related to weight, some I had prior to my weight gain, and a couple that cause weight gain. I'm on over ten meds a day, and I'm only 42 (well, 43 in a few days). I feel like I'm falling apart.

I think the last straw was that my oldest son got married in June. I saw myself in the wedding photos. I ruminated on that for a few weeks, and then woke up one morning and decided I was sick of obesity and everything that goes along with it. So, I asked my PCP for the referral, and I have my first appointment in September. Because I did six months of their program and because I read their patient handbook, I have a better idea of what is expected of me than I might otherwise.

But I'm angry. I'm angry that I'm going to have to give up my favorite foods or accept sugar-free versions (and I can't stand artificial sweeteners; I'm actually really worried about it because most Protein drinks/powders seem to rely on them). I'm angry that I won't be able to eat like everyone else. I'm angry that I'll have to go through so much physically. I'm angry that I have to lose weight to have surgery to help me lose weight that I need because I can't lose weight on my own. And I'm angry that it's such a long process. If I have to do it, tell me what to do, let me sulk over it for a few days, and then let's just do it. I know that's not how it works, and I don't know why I'm so angry. I have no one to blame but myself for being in this mess. I made a list of positives that could come from the surgery, and I got a full two pages. So I shouldn't be angry. And I realize my reaction shows that I have inappropriate attitudes toward food. I've discussed it with my therapist, and we're going to work on it, but I guess I was wondering if anyone else dealt with this and what helped them get past it. TIA!

[Arabesque 7,595]

Snap! I woke up one morning & said enough too. I made an appointment with my doctor to start the process the same day. Best decision I’ve ever made.

Your anger is a stage of the grief you’re experiencing which is quite a common before &/or after surgery. Doesn’t matter how much you read about life post surgery, it’s not until you experience it yourself do you fully understand. So you are also in a place of fear of the unknown. Talking with your therapist is a great idea to work your way through your anger, grief & fear. And keep referring to that list of positives. They’ll become blessings before you know it. It seems a long time at the beginning but in time you’ll look back & realise it wasn’t that long - the progress & benefits of your weight loss sort of blurs the time & makes it worthwhile.

Most importantly get off the social media sites about bariatric surgery. They are the worst. They’ll feed your fear & anger. The ones I’ve seen give you tips on how eat around your surgery, how not to follow your plan (saw one sharing how to purée a fast food burger & fries 😱) & offer little support or encouragement.

Yes, there are risks but there are with any surgery & bariatric surgery is far lower than many others including appendectomies & knee replacement. Your risks are much higher simply by remaining obese.

As to whether you’ll be able to eat your favourite foods again the answer is yes. Though you’ll eat them less often & in smaller portions. You’ll work out how much & how often is best for you over time. You may even find alternatives &/or ingredient substitutes that are better for you & more nutritious. I looked at some of my old favourite foods & decided while I loved them they really didn’t love me & contributed to my obesity. You may find you discover new favourite foods & even that your old ones just don’t appeal as much.

I’m a low sugar eater & avoid artificial sweeteners wherever I can (rather have a little real sugar than a sweetener). The shakes can be disgusting & have sweeteners but you don’t have to keep having them. I haven’t had one since I started purées & even in the post surgery liquid stage I only had one a day. Had Soup for my other meals. Then I discovered a high Protein yoghurt & yoghurt drinks to boost my protein intake. (Make your own drink by blending the yoghurt with milk which gives you bonus protein.) Your dietician should be able to help you find other suitable alternatives as well.

All the best.

[Possum220 230]

4 hours ago, Theia103121 said:

Hi!

I'm new here. I went through about six months of the process for WLS about four or five years ago, but I didn't lose weight during the six-month pre-op phase, so things stopped. I had also been running across many horror stories (mostly on social media), which made me think that maybe it was for the best, anyway.

Well, five years later, I weigh no less than I did back then. I have a huge list of co-morbidities, some of which are related to weight, some I had prior to my weight gain, and a couple that cause weight gain. I'm on over ten meds a day, and I'm only 42 (well, 43 in a few days). I feel like I'm falling apart.

I think the last straw was that my oldest son got married in June. I saw myself in the wedding photos. I ruminated on that for a few weeks, and then woke up one morning and decided I was sick of obesity and everything that goes along with it. So, I asked my PCP for the referral, and I have my first appointment in September. Because I did six months of their program and because I read their patient handbook, I have a better idea of what is expected of me than I might otherwise.

But I'm angry. I'm angry that I'm going to have to give up my favorite foods or accept sugar-free versions (and I can't stand artificial sweeteners; I'm actually really worried about it because most Protein drinks/powders seem to rely on them). I'm angry that I won't be able to eat like everyone else. I'm angry that I'll have to go through so much physically. I'm angry that I have to lose weight to have surgery to help me lose weight that I need because I can't lose weight on my own. And I'm angry that it's such a long process. If I have to do it, tell me what to do, let me sulk over it for a few days, and then let's just do it. I know that's not how it works, and I don't know why I'm so angry. I have no one to blame but myself for being in this mess. I made a list of positives that could come from the surgery, and I got a full two pages. So I shouldn't be angry. And I realize my reaction shows that I have inappropriate attitudes toward food. I've discussed it with my therapist, and we're going to work on it, but I guess I was wondering if anyone else dealt with this and what helped them get past it. TIA!

Have a big dummy spit. It is hard and it is awful. You have been set up by society two ways. Society sets us up by having a system that dangles so many tempting foods in our face while at the same time limits our normal everyday movement by having cars and computers machines that do the heavy lifting for us. No manual labor for us. Many people are chronically overweight but are a victim of our modern society. Our metabolism has changed. Our bodies are hard wired to retain fat in order so that we can survive in times of famine. You are allowed to be angry. You got lots of help from society to be where you are. So while is is important to acknowledge our own behaviours we had so much help from our environment,

Obesity is a chronic modern day disease.

BUT..... (You knew this was coming)....

You can make a choice to put self care strategies into place. Stop treating your body like a trash can. Your body has a way to heal itself with your help. You can give your body a better chance. It will be okay.

If you google search Dr V Masterclass on youtube you can find some stellar info on this journey. I want to encourage you to care about yourself and your future.

In your post you mentioned giving up certain foods or having sugar free products. This is a new road for us and no two journeys are the same. I thought I would not be able to have chocolate any more after having my RNY bypass. Turns out that I can still enjoy chocolate but in much smaller amounts. Not a big sacrifice. I can still eat pretty much everything I used to eat, but again in smaller amount. Many people lose hair after this OP but not all do. I didnt.

Reading about this journey in a pamphlet or on social media is one thing. Things might or might not happen. Only by doing this will you find out what is is really like for you and what issues you may or may not have.

Having a medical procedure is one thing. It is another ball game to address reasons of why we eat and getting some psychological help. A medical procedure like this Is just an effective tool to lose the weight but being successful requires a combination of physical and psychological work.

Life is so much easier now that I have shed some weight. I can walk further. I can take care of my physical needs. I feel so much better and am off my diabetes medication and bp medication and off my reflux meds. I dont have to be scared anymore about breaking chairs. I feel better in myself.

Be mad and move past it. Get ready to love yourself.

[Theia103121 21]

7 hours ago, Arabesque said:

Yes, there are risks but there are with any surgery & bariatric surgery is far lower than many others including appendectomies & knee replacement. Your risks are much higher simply by remaining obese.

I'm glad to hear that. I've had a few people tell me that the risk of death is pretty high. One article I read said the risk of long-term complications was 15%. Another one I heard was chronic nausea and vomiting, and that seemed pretty frequent. Some people in the Facebook group I was in said they had to carry around those emesis bags because they threw up so often. As someone who would rather feel just about anything else than nausea, that terrifies me.

[Theia103121 21]

3 hours ago, Possum220 said:

Having a medical procedure is one thing. It is another ball game to address reasons of why we eat and getting some psychological help. A medical procedure like this Is just an effective tool to lose the weight but being successful requires a combination of physical and psychological work.

I think that's some of my anger- anger at myself for needing the help, for having so many issues with food. It seems like such a weakness. It's funny, too, because i would never tell someone else it's a weakness or believe it was. Only for myself. I've been in therapy for a long time now and we've talked about my weight, of course, but never as honestly as I've been forced to since I made the decision to do this. I also am big on feeling in control, and I feel like the surgery is going to take control away from me. I know that's not how it works; I know it's the opposite- I'm not in control now and the surgery will help me regain control. But something about having rules around food just is a huge trigger for some reason.

[Jennifer Williams 10]

I am you! I had all of these same feelings and it almost blocked me from going through with the surgery. I have lost massive weight/inches before and got in the best shape of my life, which made me angry that I couldn't do it again. However, I had to learn to accept that I am getting older (40) and that my body has changed and no matter how angry I am at myself, that won't change the facts. I refused to continue feeling horrible every day when I woke up and being miserable with myself and the way I looked. I was also terrified by all of the horror stories I read and was scared I was going to die. I believe it's more normal than not for people to gravitate to the negatives than to see all of the positives being posted out there. It's human nature. I finally sucked it up and went to the hospital the day of surgery even though I still had all of those fears, even thinking I can still back out and leave....but my desire to feel better and live a better life outweighed all of that fear and I went through with it. BEST DECISION I'VE MADE IN MY LIFE! To add to this, I struggle with depression and anxiety and food has always been my vice/comfort. I was terrified in that respect too, that I wouldn't be able to mentally handle this journey. Surprisingly, I have been solid on that front too! After surgery, I had no cravings or desire to eat food. My family ate normal foods/fast food in front of me and it's didn't even phase me. A little over 3 months out and it still doesn't bother me. Yes, every once in a while, I think for a split second, oh man, I can't have cake on my bday! But it's really not going to kill me....I've eaten cake every year for 39 years! I'm really not missing anything. The reality of it is, we can eat the cake down the road if we want to. At this point in time, I don't really even want to. I'll close in saying that I don't know you, but I believe in you. If I could do this knowing the way my mind is and all the fear I had, you can most certainly do this. When you do, that anger will go away as soon as you realize how rewarding this journey can be.

Best of luck!

[catwoman7 11,278]

1 hour ago, Theia103121 said:

I'm glad to hear that. I've had a few people tell me that the risk of death is pretty high. One article I read said the risk of long-term complications was 15%. Another one I heard was chronic nausea and vomiting, and that seemed pretty frequent. Some people in the Facebook group I was in said they had to carry around those emesis bags because they threw up so often. As someone who would rather feel just about anything else than nausea, that terrifies me.

mortality rate on bypass (at least when I had it eight years ago) is 0.3% It's even lower on sleeve (I don't remember the exact stat on that since I wasn't interested in sleeve). That means you have at least a 99.7% chance of NOT dying. That's better than a lot of other common surgeries, like hip or knee replacements.

stop reading social media. I was doing that as well before my surgery and had to make myself stop. Major complications are rare. You just hear about them more because people post about those, looking for advice and support. The jillions of people who don't have them generally don't post that everything is hunky-dory. I had two strictures after my bypass. Easy fix. The PA in my bariatric clinic said those are the most common complication after bypass - and that about 5% of bypassers experience them. I personally wouldn't call something that happens to 5% of people "common", but that does give you an idea of how common complications are. Most complications, when they do happen, are minor and easily treatable or "fixable". The ones you mentioned about people carrying around bags for vomiting, etc - that's got to be incredibly rare. Spend some time here on BP or similar forums (like Obesity Help) rather than Facebook groups. I've been on here for nine years and have never heard of people carrying around barf bags because they vomit so much. I think you'll find this site will give you a much better picture of post-op life.

[catwoman7 11,278]

P.S. regarding vomiting - I did experience some in the early weeks after surgery - I had to figure out what my stomach was going to tolerate (I can now eat pretty much anything - and have been able to for years - I just have to watch my portion sizes to avoid gaining weight). I don't vomit any more now than I did before I had surgery. But I just wanted to say that vomiting after surgery is different from vomiting before surgery. Your stomach is much smaller, so there's not much to vomit up. Plus your stomach is not producing as much acid, so you don't get that horrible taste in your mouth, either. It tastes the same coming up as it did going down. So suffice it to say, I don't dread vomiting like I did before I had surgery.

[Arabesque 7,595]

I had some early nausea but very mild really & vomited a couple of times in the early weeks but that was related to Vitamins (some can make you nauseous especially if you don’t take them after you eat). I occasionally have episodes of the foamies where you can vomit (more like regurgitating as the food barely or doesn’t get to your tummy & none of those straining muscles). They occur if you eat too quickly or something is to dry or coarse. It passes very, very quickly & you feel fine after you bring up that offending bite. I’ve realised I tend to eat more quickly when I’m with others &/or distracted. So it’s more a side effect of me not being mindful about my eating than of my sleeve because I can avoid it happening. I have it a couple or so of times a year (less than 5) so not often. The hideous reflux hiccups I had were way worse & I used to have to go home if I had an attack of those. Don’t have to with the foamies - just keep partying 😆😆!

[SleeverSk 635]

it's a good thing you are going through the anger now and not after surgery as it seems so much worse then, the benefits certainly outweigh the bad. but in time normally around the 12 months to 2-year mark you will wonder where your restriction has gone and long for the early days post-surgery. you will be able to eat your fav foods just don't overdo it and make the most of the early post op days as the past very quickly. I thought I would never eat normally ever again and that I would never enjoy food again, but I did, and I can, and you will too.

[Anomalia 6]

On 8/31/2023 at 6:11 AM, catwoman7 said:

But I just wanted to say that vomiting after surgery is different from vomiting before surgery. Your stomach is much smaller, so there's not much to vomit up. Plus your stomach is not producing as much acid, so you don't get that horrible taste in your mouth, either.

Honestly this was an incredible relief to read, thank you. I had a lot of fear about the vomit.

[BigSue 1,428]

I first looked into weight loss surgery about 15 years before I actually went through with it. Like you, I was scared away by horror stories and all the changes I would have to make and the things I would have to give up. I was also particularly concerned about vomiting because I got the impression that WLS results in vomiting at the drop of a hat. BTW, I am 3 years post-op and I have had exactly one bout of vomiting since my surgery.

I think it's really important to go into the surgery with realistic expectations. If this forum is any indication, way too many people get WLS thinking that it will work like magic, and they're completely unprepared to make the lifestyle changes that are necessary to use the WLS as an effective tool. So I think it's a good thing that you are prepared for the rough parts of the surgery, and it probably won't be as bad as you think. Not gonna lie: the beginning is really hard, but once you get 2+ years out from surgery, you will probably be able to eat fairly normally, and if you play your cards right, you might just find that you no longer want to eat the way you used to. You'll establish a new normal for yourself where you won't constantly feel like you're "giving up" what you really want.

I highly recommend a podcast called We Only Look Thin. It's run by a couple who each lost over 100 pounds. They didn't have surgery, but a lot of their journey resonates so deeply with me. Weight loss (especially when you have a daunting amount to lose) is largely a mental battle, and this podcast absolutely nails it. They are amazing at verbalizing the mental processes that I've gone through, and they are very honest about their struggles. They have some great reality checks about things like fairness, excuses, and mental loopholes, and they have some fantastic advice for navigating the everyday struggles of weight management. Now, I didn't start listening to this until after I had lost 200 pounds, so it might be easier for me to hear and realize, "Yep, past me made a lot of excuses. Past me didn't take responsibility for my eating habits," than it would have been when I was still making excuses and resisting the changes that I was going to have to make. But maybe it would have been easier for me to make those changes if I had heard this podcast before I started than having to figure it out as I went.

[SleeverSk 635]

15 hours ago, Anomalia said:

Honestly this was an incredible relief to read, thank you. I had a lot of fear about the vomit.

I have only vomitted once and that was from a gallstone attack

[RTL1234 99]

I most definitely felt this way. I had a complete pity party for myself. I needed it. Why can’t I do it on my own? Why is XXX so skinny and eats whatever they want when I eat one slice of cake and gain 5lbs? The negative talk resonated in my brain. I can’t do this, it’s too hard, I love food too much, I’m a side baker I can’t taste my baking. But guess what? YOU CAN F****** DO THIS!!!!!

As for complications, I’ll just throw this out there. Vomiting - had some the first few days of post op however, I knew that I get like that with anesthesia, so my doctor and I did what we could to minimize it. I’ve since had my gallbladder removed one year later, and am having a revision as I have a hiatal hernia and severe GERD. So…would I consider those to be complications? Sure. But I would do it over again 100x!!! I have gained so much throughout this journey. And continue to.

My current surgeon feels my initial surgeon should have chosen a bypass for me originally, which I asked for but they recommended sleeve so that’s what we went with. Current surgeon feels that with my co-morbities at that time, and other issues, I shouldn’t have been a candidate for a sleeve. Okay so all that to say, again I wouldn’t change it!!!!

I tolerate literally any food with my sleeve. Now things sit “heavier” than others so if I’m eating that I may be miserable (like feeling stuffed not sick). After some tragedy in my family, I stopped eating well and started eating just snack food. I gained 18lbs. But then I crawled out of the hole and said okay, this has to stop, you’ve worked wayyyyy to hard to go backwards, get it together! Here I am, back on track, still have some of the gain to lose, but grateful that I have this tool aka my sleeve to help mitigate that for me.

I used to love following people on IG/social media but I had to stop. Before my sleeve I looked at thin people and felt pangs of jealousy and constant comparison. Then after surgery and losing weight (not even to goal weight haven’t made it) I looked at the VSG “influencers”, the same way. Constant “oh her surgery was two weeks before mine and she’s already lost 100 lbs and I’ve ONLY lost 70”. It was perpetuating the SAME cycle I was in. So I just had to stop. Every now and again I search out the hashtag but for the most part I don’t because this journey is unique to YOU.

Sorry for the novel, and if you made it through it, that’s great! Lol