Husband is supportive but also not

[cellbell 113]

Hi all, I'm just starting the journey so I've been reading and researching a lot! I attended a seminar and I have my first individual consultation later this week. My concern right now is with my husband. He's technically overweight on the charts, but has never been obese and hasn't gone through that experience--he can shop in regular stores, sits in middle seats at concerts, and actually prefers booths at restaurants. My experience is pretty opposite, as I've been big since I was 15 (25 years ago lol!), and have ballooned up to a BMI of 51, the highest ever.

When I first brought up the idea of WLS, I positioned it as a tool to give me a head start on the weight loss and to give me some time to develop healthy eating habits without starting so far behind. I think he's really nervous about surgery in general because he started tearing up and said that he's really scared, so we talked about the risks of surgery vs the risks of staying this obese, and so on. I thought he was coming around to the idea since he said he supports it, and when I talk about going to the "fat people clinic," he corrects me and says that it's just a tool. It's super sweet actually!

Now he's started offering new diet suggestions instead. He's seen me go through a number of diets in the last eight years, though I'll admit I've given up a little in the past couple of years, but he hasn't seen the whole history. He thinks that because I do really well with losing weight when I stick to a diet, I just need to do a better job of sticking to one, but I keep telling him that if it were that easy for me, I would have done it already! Just today, he suggested "what if you do the Keto diet but this time cut out all artificial sweeteners? I really think that's why you had trouble before."

I understand that he's scared, but it's making me question myself a little. Do I really need to try every different variation of all the diets out there? I've also never really tried any of the prescription weight loss drugs (outside of some bronkaid/coffee stacking experimentation that was super unhealthy in a number of ways). Is there more due diligence before I give surgery such heavy thought? The other part of this is that he thinks that the doctors are only interested in their profit and won't give me accurate information, and while I believe that they deserve to earn a living, I have some trust in the hippocratic oath. I do understand that when you have a hammer (or scalpel?), every problem becomes a nail (or surgery lol).

Anyway, I know this isn't a relationship advice site but I thought others may have encountered a similar situation! I'm venting a little but would appreciate your thoughts!

[NovaLuna 710]

The decision whether to have the surgery or not is a very big decision because once you have the surgery you can't exactly go back and change your mind... I bounced around back and forth about whether or not to have WLS for about 10 YEARS. I did numerous diets and nothing worked. Eventually it was the realization that if I DIDN'T do something about my weight and my declining health because of that weight then I wouldn't be around to watch my three nieces grow up. I was a little over month away from my 32nd birthday and 389 pounds with a BMI of 61.8 (I'm 5'6.5, they don't give you that half inch on this site) when I took the first steps by seeing the bariatric surgeon I learned my brother was going to be having another daughter. And 2.5 months AFTER my surgery I learned my sister was pregnant again and just 2 weeks ago gave me my first nephew.

I'm not going to tell you that surgery is the option for you, because every person is different. Surgery is very much a tool to help you get to heathier eating habits that'll help lead you to a healthier you. It is in no way easy. People who tell you WLS is the easy way out are ridiculous and know absolutely nothing about everything involved. It's a life choice. I will be on Vitamins, expensive vitamins, for the rest of my life. But do I regret it? No, I don't. Would I do it all over again knowing everything I know now? Yes, I would. But again, this is very much my own choice and you are your own person. I was 321 pounds on my surgery date and the last I weighed was a little over a week ago and I weighed in at 218 which is 103 pounds since my surgery and 171 pounds overall.

I suggest you weigh the pros and cons. Think long and hard about everything WLS would mean to you and how it would change your life. It's understandable that your husband is worried because surgery of any kind has risks, but the risks nowadays for WLS are pretty low. Go over statistics with him if it'll help relieve his mind a bit. Take him to appointments with you if you feel it'll help. Maybe sit him down and explain just why this step is something you feel you NEED for yourself.

[Mr Alley Gator 263]

1 hour ago, NovaLuna said:

The decision whether to have the surgery or not is a very big decision because once you have the surgery you can't exactly go back and change your mind..

Above says it all - I just said one day lets get thin - Called a Doc in my area set up a appointment - Pulled out a ton of cash - and 8 days later I was sleeved. Was this the best approach probably not but i new if i did not get this done i would be dead soon. I looked around at my kids and my life and said you are a lazy overweight unhealthy male who already did a Trip thru a cardiac ward. You have no choice

So I did it. You husbands concern is really something special you guys have, but it is a very safe surgery and not a lot of down time. I was in at 9 am and out at 10 am the next day. Back to work the same day.

You have to really look at the pro's and Cons - If you have tried every diet and fad out there and it doesnt work maybe this will be the tool to help you? But one thing i did not realize its a whole lifestyle change. The days of slamming down subs and wings and pizza are over. You will be limited on quantity and keep hydrated and nutrition are a F@#ckin project for me on a daily basis.

So would i do it again if I had the chance? 100% YES - beats being in a URN

[Deb9386 110]

I had the RNY bypass only last week but had been thinking about wls for some time. My husband was exactly the same as yours - very anxious about the risks of the operation and not understanding why I couldn't just lose through dieting as I had in the past. Anybody who has not been obese/morbidly obese almost certainly doesn't understand the issues around weight gain/loss for those who are. I had various co-morbidities and once I decided that I was going ahead with the surgery, just powered through his anxieties by saying I'd rather die of the surgery than spend 10 years having limb amputations due to diabetes.

The day before my surgery somebody recommended to me Dr Matthew Weiner's book - How Weight Loss Surgery Really Works - and I read this immediately before my surgery. It validated all of my decision making and I highly recommend reading it if you're undecided about the surgery. If you, like me, are a yo-yo dieter who can lose weight on a diet and then gradually regains it all - it will resonate with you and give insights.

Good luck with the decision making!

[catwoman7 10,853]

at a BMI of 51, it's unlikely you'll be able to lose most of your excess weight and keep it off. Nothing against you at all, but fewer than 5% of people are able to do that on their own. I spent literally decades gaining and losing the same 50-ish pounds - and I had over 200 to lose. No way in h*ll was I ever going to lose that on my own, if I couldn't even keep 50 off, despite my best efforts. Maybe you'll be one of the people who can - but the statistics are against you. It's tough to lose that much weight - even WITH weight loss surgery it's tough, and some people do fail because of that, but it's a powerful tool that'll greatly increase your chance of success. (I know that YOU probably know this, but it sounds like your husband doesn't...)

at one time weight loss surgeries were very risky, but they're not anymore. They've come a long way. Mortality rate on gastric bypass is 0.3%, for sleeve it's even lower (I can't remember the stat on that one since I had the bypass). Major complications are also rare. I was scared of it for many years, too, but I finally came the conclusion that staying at over 300 lbs put me at greater risk than having the surgery. I am SO GLAD I did it and would do it again in a heartbeat! I just wish I hadn't waited so long to do it!

It may help if your husband started doing research on the surgeries - or reading books such as "Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies". Or maybe he could go with you to a consult. He's probably freaked because he doesn't know a lot about them. Hopefully armed with some good information, he'll start to come around!

[STLoser 1,085]

I was 5'3" and 393 pounds with a BMI of 69.9 when I made the decision to have my surgery. It was a decision that was over 20 years in the making. I never had insurance that covered it so it had to be self pay, and I never felt I was in poor enough health to do it until I was diagnosed with liver disease in January. I was a new RN in the late 90s when they really started doing wls more often, and I saw people die, so I was always scared of it.
I had my gallbladder out in January and that surgeon recommended wls. He said he didn't see many people as big as me live past 60. As a nurse, these are all things I knew anyway, so I wasn't shocked to hear that. A lot of people in my family have died young. I don't want to join them. He explained to me that having your gallbladder removed is riskier now than wls. I hadn't heard that before and he explained how unlikely it is for someone with a BMI as high as mine to lose weight and keep it off.
I have actually researched a TON over the years and it really is almost impossible for someone to lose all their weight and keep it off. There are also so many mechanisms that cause us to be overweight. It's not as simple as willpower, or calories in/calories out.
I had to decide if the benefits outweighed the risks, and for me, they did. I turned 49 right after my surgery 3 months ago. I'm so happy I did it. I'm 309 as of today!
Only you can make this decision for yourself. It sounds like your husband is just really scared. Just give him all the information you can. In the end, it is your decision.



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[Lanie Hardy 30]

Hi Cellbell!🤗

I haven’t had my surgery yet (scheduled for the 23rd of November), however this is bigger then just a surgery. This is your life. I think some of us want so much to comfort and give to others we forget ourselves. Possibly this has a lot to do with our weight in the first place. As everyone else has said, it is a very personal serious choice, one I have been weighing for years. Like all the other stories, in that time did I lose weight, even substantial weight, yep! But I gained it and more and am now at my heaviest ever in my life. All the while trying to lose weight I was thinking I know more, I’m the most committed ever, I even quit my job to focus just on me and weight loss. I failed big time. Why? Because I still put everyone else first. Doing WLS will force me to take care of me. I’ve been married 25 years, I hear the love and concern you have for each other. Take a walk, go sit in a garden or on a mountain and just think, what do you want? Then commit! It’s hard, but you can do hard things, you’ve lived overweight in an obese hating world for 25 years! Hope you are able to find peace. Also, doctors do think their method (surgery) is best, that doesn’t mean their wrong😁. Wishing you the best of luck as you work through this with your tender husband. You got this!!

[Jackson5mom 8]

Hi Cellbell,

It helped me once I talked to the surgeon too. He has been doing sleeves for 14 years and never lost a patient during surgery and we talked about laparoscopic procedures in general and what to expect for this type of surgery. It did help ease my mind. Following all the pre and post op instructions are key as well so if you are ready and committed, you can do it. Comparing that to doing nothing and living with declining health and multiple health issues adding up, tired of feeling like crap, tired of not taking care of myself, tired of taking so many medications, tired of being tired - I just had to when I laid out the pros and cons. My surgery date is 12/3. Good luck to you in your journey.

[blackcatsandbaddecisions 844]

In the end, this surgery is a very personal decision. I’ve been married for some time so I understand how I’m a long term marriage most things become a joint venture, but in the end you are still an individual and you will be responsible for making this decision about your own health and future.

I’m sorry to say this is also likely the first of many people who will have lots of opinions about how you should just diet, try harder, etc. to be perfectly honest, none of us are making the popular decision by having wls. I made the decision to tell nobody except my husband, mostly because this isn’t anybody’s business but mine. If a morbidly obese person in the future asks me how I did it, I’ll be honest with them, but that’s it.

Take time to make the decision for yourself. If you decide to proceed, tell your husband your reasons. Long term you’ll need to rely on your own decision making, not necessarily others approval.

[BigJay79 9]

Hi all, I'm just starting the journey so I've been reading and researching a lot! I attended a seminar and I have my first individual consultation later this week. My concern right now is with my husband. He's technically overweight on the charts, but has never been obese and hasn't gone through that experience--he can shop in regular stores, sits in middle seats at concerts, and actually prefers booths at restaurants. My experience is pretty opposite, as I've been big since I was 15 (25 years ago lol!), and have ballooned up to a BMI of 51, the highest ever.
When I first brought up the idea of WLS, I positioned it as a tool to give me a head start on the weight loss and to give me some time to develop healthy eating habits without starting so far behind. I think he's really nervous about surgery in general because he started tearing up and said that he's really scared, so we talked about the risks of surgery vs the risks of staying this obese, and so on. I thought he was coming around to the idea since he said he supports it, and when I talk about going to the "fat people clinic," he corrects me and says that it's just a tool. It's super sweet actually!
Now he's started offering new diet suggestions instead. He's seen me go through a number of diets in the last eight years, though I'll admit I've given up a little in the past couple of years, but he hasn't seen the whole history. He thinks that because I do really well with losing weight when I stick to a diet, I just need to do a better job of sticking to one, but I keep telling him that if it were that easy for me, I would have done it already! Just today, he suggested "what if you do the Keto diet but this time cut out all artificial sweeteners? I really think that's why you had trouble before."
I understand that he's scared, but it's making me question myself a little. Do I really need to try every different variation of all the diets out there? I've also never really tried any of the prescription weight loss drugs (outside of some bronkaid/coffee stacking experimentation that was super unhealthy in a number of ways). Is there more due diligence before I give surgery such heavy thought? The other part of this is that he thinks that the doctors are only interested in their profit and won't give me accurate information, and while I believe that they deserve to earn a living, I have some trust in the hippocratic oath. I do understand that when you have a hammer (or scalpel?), every problem becomes a nail (or surgery lol).
Anyway, I know this isn't a relationship advice site but I thought others may have encountered a similar situation! I'm venting a little but would appreciate your thoughts!

Hey there, In my opinion your husband won't get it. My wife doesn't struggle with weight issues so she doesn't get it either. She was on board at first but then when I got further into the process she started acting really strange. It really kind of made me resent her in a few ways because I allowed how she felt make the decision for me. So I ended up quitting the process. As soon as I quit the process she stopped acting strange we our problems went away. You gotta do this for yourself regardless of how ur husband feels. He just needs to put on his big boy pants and be supportive. My wife use to be an A cup and when she came to me wanting to get a boob job I said your are fine the way that u are but if u want to do this for yourself go for it and I was supportive. I wish she supported me. Don't quit like I did. Do the surgery and get your life back.

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[cellbell 113]

Hey all, thanks so much for the advice and thoughts! It's definitely helpful to hear from those who have been through the same things.

He came with me to the initial consult and asked the doctor all kinds of questions that I hadn't even thought of, which was really nice, and he said he was satisfied with her answers. Since then, I've had a couple of appointments and he's interested in what I'm learning and how I think it's going. I'm also making some incremental changes in my diet/habits to start getting ready for this massive change, and he's been supportive so far. It seems like he mostly needed to get over the initial fear.

Thanks for also pointing out how spouses can start acting weird once it all starts sinking in; I'll try to be mentally prepared for that at least. My husband did make a comment about me getting skinny and leaving him, and I told him that if I wanted to leave I wouldn't be waiting to be skinny first lol! Still, it was a moment of vulnerability and I can work with that if I know what's bothering him.

[blackcatsandbaddecisions 844]

So glad to hear he’s coming around! I think that is a common fear with partners. Realistically the divorce rate after bariatric surgery is high, but a lot of that is people who settled for a partner now discovering options, or a person in an unhealthy relationship being willing to pull the plug.