Painted in a corner--marriage issue

[AlwaysCruising 100]

On 9/18/2020 at 12:04 AM, Locken said:

I had both an encouraging and frustrating day. I don't know where else to vent since my surgery is private. My husband of 27 years is encouraging and accepting of my surgery plans, which I started in earnest today. I'm a few months from surgery (damn dietician requirements) but I am well researched and prepared to make a lifelong change. After discussing the hoops and loops, my husband made one last comment.

(Paraphrasing) "I support you in this surgery but I am pointing out that I want you to think through the fact that you will probably have an affair or divorce me. Or your personality will change. Or you'll think less of me because I'm somewhat overweight. And I want you to balance choice along with the advantage of better health and being thinner."

Our marriage is good but has had a few rocky seasons. I am normally active. He is not. I'm extroverted. He is not. There is some unhealthy co-dependent and emotional abuse. He refuses any marriage counseling or movement towards change. I've been in therapy for years, by myself.

I know this is more emotional abuse but essentially, I am being asked to DECIDE to gamble my marriage if I dare to consider surgery. He'll support me but if I push back even a little bit, with any kind of independence, any joy, or lust for life, I'm proving him correct. And it will be lorded over my head. *I* made the problem. I made the choice.

Any advice or insight on how to let guilt slide off your back? Or how to make a selfish decision for your own happiness?

I think he is expressing fear, but not doing it in the best way for you to hear that. Note that I have no examples of him being abusive, only this statement, but this is my thought based on the statement above.

And he isn’t wrong in his fear - there are very high rates of divorce (and addictive behavior for that matter) following Bariatric surgery. Fact. He would not likely know those stats, although he could, but his fear may be based on more reality than you or he realizes. I often note this to my patients in helping them come to a decision about Bariatric surgery. He seems to be doing something similar. People should be clear minded and have all the facts (not just the ones they are happy to consider). It is your decision, but what you do (positive or negative for you) does in fact effect him and vice versa.

Edited October 6, 2020 by AlwaysCruising

[qianmij 31]

Maybe separate the points. He supports your WLS, but that is different from his insecurities concerning the future of your marriage. Is his concern valid? Only you know that answer.