Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

single sucks after surgery



Recommended Posts

This is more of a venting than anything else. I find being single now after I have lost alot of weight harder than before the surgery. I knew why I was single when I was heavy. I have not been on a date since loosing weight. I have tried single sites, going out dancing even trying to recruit friends at work. People tell me how well i'm doing and that I look good now but still no success. I have not always been heavy and dated plenty before I gained the weight so I know how to talk to the oppisite sex. has any one else been through this. before you say it I know.....just give it time but it still sucks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How long have you been single? I've been single for a while, but I actually have enjoyed the time allowed to heal my heart and to build a better relationship with myself. I know it sounds so cliche, but I'm one sharing my experience. I have dated, had "friends " and hook ups when I feel like it. These days, I have the desire for something deeper than I have experienced in the recent past. I want real connection, friendship, patience, respect, honesty and trust.

Lately in my life, I've thought about companionship and just someone to connect with on a deeper level, especially to share my journey of transition with. I also don't want someone who'll look at old pictures of me and cringe or not be attracted to either version of my physical.

I went on a journal entry, lol...Do you think not being single is going to make you feel better?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

ok I cant believe I am jumping to this thread to tell my story in hopes that you can relate or find hope or commonality in my story.

I had my first Surgery as My Marriage was coming to an end it was an attempt to save it but was a joke, nothing was going to save it.

I got banded and got miserable throwing up all the time lost 30 pounds and divorced healed a little emotionally. Started dating, Still heavy not as heavy thought like you it was easier to date fatter.

Anyway, flash forward 5 f**king years of no luck no love dating. uckkkkk to the nth degree. but I knew I wanted love.

And kept trying. I eventually said ok if not love than an education. So I went back to school and got a degree lol still no luck no love dating. But I wasn't as focused on it. But still dying inside wanting to be in love or at least like, and a partner to go through things with.

Well despite my pathetic attempt with the lap band I gained it all back. Finally after a trip to emergency room I decided to have it out and got sleeved. Finally real weight loss. Still dating no luck no love dating.

I kept trying because like I said I wanted love. I did everything people said "learned to really love myself" I wasn't even close had to really figure that **** out. Weight or no Weight. Got it mostly figured out. Kinda,

Being obese is a mechanism to not really deal food was my drug,

OK so Finally still dating now thinner a little more success.

And then it happened met him On Zoosk. But the best part was we went to a restaurant on our first date and as we are looking at the menu, he starts to say, oh I really dont eat much not sure if you would understand but I had this thing done to my stomach. LOL I just looked at him in disbelief. Not to mention I was digging him anyway.

Well there it was we split our first of many Entrees "steak tips" laughed about Protein Shakes and all that went with the first year. He was a year and a little out I was nearly two years out.

Ok so Moral of the story don't give up but don't focus on it. And while you are waiting get **** done. Getting my degree was amazing. I used to pray for God to send me a Man a good man, Or at times any man. When I stopped focusing on that and my pray changed to Get me to graduation and let me be thinner or at peace with my weight.

So year after 7 long years I did it. I am in love with a man who has a gastric sleeve and teenage boys who play sports and video games like mine.

Sorry to tell you the sappy story.

Best of Luck

Dawn Marie

7 hours ago, Paul Hufnagl said:

This is more of a venting than anything else. I find being single now after I have lost alot of weight harder than before the surgery. I knew why I was single when I was heavy. I have not been on a date since loosing weight. I have tried single sites, going out dancing even trying to recruit friends at work. People tell me how well i'm doing and that I look good now but still no success. I have not always been heavy and dated plenty before I gained the weight so I know how to talk to the oppisite sex. has any one else been through this. before you say it I know.....just give it time but it still sucks.

Edited by Dawn Hanaphy
add pic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

@Dawn Hanaphy thank you for sharing this story of hope!!

I am 40 and I’ve been in therapy for the past year after finally getting out of a very volatile domestic violence relationship. It really is true about a woman taking on average 7 times to finally leave their abuser for good. I lost a lot. My home, my pets, my independence. I had to move 50 miles away and into my family’s home. Luckily, my employer stuck with me through all this and provided me amazing support.

Sorry didn’t mean to go off on a tangent. Just sharing my experience and my anxiety of dating now. Going through that hell is the main reason I got so overweight. I comforted myself with food and alcohol. I’m much better today and much more gentle with myself and making good choices.

I’m scared of getting into another relationship. I’m scared of dating in my 40’s. Dating in my 30’s was hard enough. Every one comes with their own baggage. Their own wounds from past heartbreak. I hope I’m not a Debbie Downer but a lot of us are struggling trying to navigate this new dating dilemma. I’m not ready yet, but I know it’s going to be a challenge when the time comes. As I lose more weight, I think it will give more confidence to get out there and go fishing. Lol
@Paul Hufnagl I hope you find love soon or at least some excitement and good times! I would say enjoy the process but you may not want to hear that. I wonder if there are dating sites specifically for those of us who have had weight loss surgery? Hang in there. Keep putting yourself out there and it will happen.

Edited by CammyC

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is something I think about for myself as I lose weight.* I sort of wonder if I have always used my weight as an excuse not to be in a relationship, because whenever I lose weight and start to attract attention again, it mostly annoys me ;-) (usually I think because if I'm not interested, what's the point?) I've been alone for a very long time and I don't know how I would deal with dating again (not that I was ever that great at it). That said, I've always been optimistic that eventually I would find someone to share my life with (even a deep meaningful friendship, something I don't currently have). I don't know how I'll navigate this going forward, but to be honest, it's not a huge issue for me at the moment.

*Not that any of this matters because here in Japan there is no one for me. The majority of Japanese men are not interested in dating a middle-aged "fat" woman (and no matter how much weight I lose, I will always be fat here) and many are intimidated by Western women - so, no. The non-Japanese guys my age are either married with kids, or the kind that like to chase tail that's half their age. Either way, they're not interested in me and I'm definitely not interested in them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

Ok I am going to get jumped on by every female on this site - Or at least most of them!

The USA is a pain in the ass to date, Females here have careers are way more into being single and with kids there main focus is on there kids, careers and themselves!

So as a fellow single male who does a lot of friends with benefits vs relationships. I am fortunate to be financially strong so that gives me a slight advantage, The cars, boats, and places i go allow me to attract.

But i also have another game i play - FOREIGN COUNTRY'S Yes i travel to cool hot fishing spots and as a benefit the girls are more out for you then you are for them. They need help and will be a lot easier to date or marry then a US female. So as life passes you buy here is my suggestions

Cuba - Very nice females who hate cuban men cuz they are abusive as hell. Problem is they are really shelted from the world and usually very domesticated. You can marry them takes a little time but is possible

Costa Rica - Little more aggressive attitudes but tropical mentality and layed back attitude -

Panama - Same as Costa Rica

Mexico - quiet and very domesticated and carting

That is the only four I have tested, but i have friends that have gone to the Orient and married there,

DO NOT FALL FOR ANY ONLINE TRICKS, WATCH YOUR WALLET. it is possible to have a mail order bride that really does care for you and you for her. I have girfriends all over those areas that i have met and still stay in touch with, If i chose to marry one of them I am confident i could. Friend of mine is marrying one from Cuba as we speak going thru the paperwork now.

The difference is these girls are looking for a guy who will care for them, They then will care for you and the relationship begins to build. Just easier to find a spouse when you are in a area where they want a Amercian Man.

So get ready to buy there daddy a goat for trade! Ok that was maybe a little to much

Edited by AJ Tylo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@AJ Tylo when this virus is over perhaps I should should travel outside the USA, lol. I have friend who used hinge app prior to his trip to France and found a hook-up that has now turned into a long distance relationship. ❤️

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, biginjapan said:

This is something I think about for myself as I lose weight.* I sort of wonder if I have always used my weight as an excuse not to be in a relationship, because whenever I lose weight and start to attract attention again, it mostly annoys me ;-) (usually I think because if I'm not interested, what's the point?) I've been alone for a very long time and I don't know how I would deal with dating again (not that I was ever that great at it). That said, I've always been optimistic that eventually I would find someone to share my life with (even a deep meaningful friendship, something I don't currently have). I don't know how I'll navigate this going forward, but to be honest, it's not a huge issue for me at the moment.

*Not that any of this matters because here in Japan there is no one for me. The majority of Japanese men are not interested in dating a middle-aged "fat" woman (and no matter how much weight I lose, I will always be fat here) and many are intimidated by Western women - so, no. The non-Japanese guys my age are either married with kids, or the kind that like to chase tail that's half their age. Either way, they're not interested in me and I'm definitely not interested in them.

@biginjapan Are you originally from the US? If so, do you think you’ll ever come back?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you to every one sharing your stories, I know it's probably just a matter of time but I compare it to having a new sports car (well maybe not new) after you have been driving a junker for so long, you want to get out on the road and test it out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

5 minutes ago, Paul Hufnagl said:

Thank you to every one sharing your stories, I know it's probably just a matter of time but I compare it to having a new sports car (well maybe not new) after you have been driving a junker for so long, you want to get out on the road and test it out.

Hell yes!! That is the best synonym I’ve ever heard to describe this! Each day my fancy car gets a little more shine.

@Paul Hufnagl go on brush your shoulders off. You got this!

D74BA1DB-5E1C-47AB-B385-934921A0BA31.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Single is not always fun, but it can be great. I have been single for a minute too. There are times that I don't like it, but there are times that for similar reasons to what Aj Tylo described, I am like Thank God (no offense to the American Male or perhaps the Californian Male). I am just not willing to settle, which is the reason for my single stature at the moment.

Paul, perhaps this unfortunate quarantine can be a time that you do webinar type dating (without video or name to keep your anonymity) and have those dates rate you in the end to see what might be a turn on or turn off in whatever your dating style is. Or something of the sort. Look at age, cultural-not meaning race but perhaps race too, your dating style, what that persons dating style might be. Incorporate those you know, if you can handle their honesty whether it be good or bad, and ask your friends and family about their honest opinion (instructive criticism, so to speak) of the overall you and tell them to leave your looks out of it.

I dunno, just a suggestion. Whatever you do or whomever you happen upon, I hope that it works out for you!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, CammyC said:

@biginjapan Are you originally from the US? If so, do you think you’ll ever come back?

I'm Canadian actually, and will probably be in Japan until I retire. Just work-wise I know I'm in a much more secure position here than I could ever have back home (I've got tenure at a university here). I did leave Japan after my first five years here, as, at that time, I knew that if I ever wanted a shot of being in a real relationship and/or having kids, that was the time to do it (I've known a lot of other women who also left in their late 20s/early 30s for exactly the same reason). But that didn't work out for me either (in 2 different countries) and eventually I came to accept that maybe I was meant to be single forever and not have kids, no matter where I was (which is why I returned to Japan). I've never been the kind of person who needs to be with others (happy introvert over here!) so never felt the need to chase people to date because I was lonely or needed sex. Maybe it's just bad luck on my part, but I never really met someone who I really hit it off with (I mean, who were single to begin with😉), so I've always felt happier on my own than the other way around (who needs the stress of a lot of bad or mediocre dates?). But, I'm still an optimist and who knows what will happen in the future.

FWIW, I'm kind of with AJ here - I think travel to other places/countries opens up a lot of possibilities, and you are able to find likeminded-people more easily. I recently came back from a trip to several African countries where I got a lot of compliments from the local men (who prefer curvier women, even though the local women are quite beautiful (but thin)). I know quite a few people who using online dating apps to hook up with (or just meet) people when they travel. That said, years before apps were even a thing, one of my friends from school got talking to a guy on a bus when she was in Thailand, by the time they got off the bus they decided to spend the rest of their time together for the remainder of their trip, by the end of the trip she flew back to Europe with him and they eventually got married and had kids. It really happened that fast, and they are still together 20+ years later. So, you never know what could happen.

However, to counter AJ a little bit - he's financially well-off and travels to countries where women are not, and where they often have to depend on men to take care of them (whether they want them to or not). That's fine if that's what both parties want, I'm not judging in any way. But I'm in the opposite camp. I have some financial stability and can take care of myself - I'm not looking for a man who can do that for me, but who can complement my life (and I his). And to be with someone who is attracted to, and wants to be with a successful, confident woman who knows what she wants, and is not the weak/dependent person in the pair (to be clear, I don't want either person to be weak or dependent).

Here's a final thought too, about what happens when you lose weight, and are successful in keeping it off. I remember reading somewhere (I'll have to find it) that it's not just the person who loses weight who has to deal with their own body image, but people who knew them too. If people around you know/knew you as obese, they may always see you through that "filter", despite the fact that it's been years of more since you were that way. That may make it more difficult to find someone within your own circle of friends, family, and acquaintances, since they may refer to you that way for a long time, even to people who didn't know you at that weight. I know, for example, in my own family, my parents often refer to one our former neighbours (who is a cop), as, "you know, the one who weighed 350 pounds and lost 200 pounds, you remember her?" How do people ever overcome that stigma of obesity? I don't know.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

15 hours ago, CammyC said:

when this virus is over perhaps I should should travel outside the USA, lol. I have friend who used hinge app prior to his trip to France and found a hook-up that has now turned into a long distance relationship.

I would Not sure about how the male thing goes but go for it! Nothing more fun then meeting new people and getting serviced!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a great thread and I am shocked I did not get ambushed. Only counter to above i go to these countries because of the offshore fishing, The girls run second to fishing offshore. But i do see your point, Love to see the other sides and I agree with the one thing. Seems you can be more confident in other countries

Now lets end the virus so we can all go :FISHING? We will just use that word for now

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, AJ Tylo said:

This is a great thread and I am shocked I did not get ambushed. Only counter to above i go to these countries because of the offshore fishing, The girls run second to fishing offshore. But i do see your point, Love to see the other sides and I agree with the one thing. Seems you can be more confident in other countries

Now lets end the virus so we can all go :FISHING? We will just use that word for now

Sorry AJ, I didn't mean to imply that that's why you travelled abroad - you did say it was primarily for the fishing! I like travelling myself, but photography is my main reason to go...anything else that happens is just a bonus.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recent Topics

  • Most popular:

  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs
    ×