Relationship issues 2.5 years post op..

[EmilyJune 43]

Hi everyone! This question is geared toward people that have had surgery and lost most or all the weight they wanted to loose while maintaining a long term relationship. A bit about myself, I am 28 and have been in a 13 year committed relationship and have 2 children between us. I have lost about 191 lbs during the last 2 years and I am close to my first goal of 180 lb and plan to continue to onto about 165 lb. My partner has been over weight the entire relationship and while I have lost he has gained massive weight. Now he has trust issues and is so rude, disrespectful, verbally abusive and claims every moment that I leave the house "I am cheating". I know this comes from the fact he is overweight and feels self conscious. He blames his bipolar disorder for the way he treats me, but I am at the point of just kicking him to the curb because I practically have a human tail or leash everywhere I go and the comments are just awful. I have made food changes for the entire family to get my children on a healthier path, but he just hoards really high carb foods or orders take out and it is very frustrating. Food is practically an addiction and I have been struggling really bad but have recently got back on track. I so badly want to say come on your jealous about my success and you should jump on the healthy wagon or get out. I'm just tired of being put down and with the stress and emotions I turn to food of course. I feel like he just drags me down. Has anyone been in this situation before?

[AggiG 176]

59 minutes ago, EmilyJune said:

Hi everyone! This question is geared toward people that have had surgery and lost most or all the weight they wanted to loose while maintaining a long term relationship. A bit about myself, I am 28 and have been in a 13 year committed relationship and have 2 children between us. I have lost about 191 lbs during the last 2 years and I am close to my first goal of 180 lb and plan to continue to onto about 165 lb. My partner has been over weight the entire relationship and while I have lost he has gained massive weight. Now he has trust issues and is so rude, disrespectful, verbally abusive and claims every moment that I leave the house "I am cheating". I know this comes from the fact he is overweight and feels self conscious. He blames his bipolar disorder for the way he treats me, but I am at the point of just kicking him to the curb because I practically have a human tail or leash everywhere I go and the comments are just awful. I have made food changes for the entire family to get my children on a healthier path, but he just hoards really high carb foods or orders take out and it is very frustrating. food is practically an addiction and I have been struggling really bad but have recently got back on track. I so badly want to say come on your jealous about my success and you should jump on the healthy wagon or get out. I'm just tired of being put down and with the stress and emotions I turn to food of course. I feel like he just drags me down. Has anyone been in this situation before?

No I haven't but you need to make a decision about what is more important in your life. I would never ever tell anyone to tell someone to get out of their life but Emily he is just bringing you down. You need someone who will encourage you and Celebrate "YOU." 💖

[MiltonP 121]

You shouldn’t be with someone who is disrespectful to you much less abusive you need to be careful right now, it’s a thin line between verbally abusive and physically abussive think about yourself and your kids he is auto destroying himself and those around him we all know the toxic relationship we can develop with food and thank god you took the step to change it, if he is not willing to change unfortunately you need to make a decision

[EmilyJune 43]

10 minutes ago, AggiG said:

No I haven't but you need to make a decision about what is more important in your life. I would never ever tell anyone to tell someone to get out of their life but Emily he is just bringing you down. You need someone who will encourage you and Celebrate "YOU." 💖

Thank you it's just super hard with two young kids involved and being the primary supporter.

[looly 361]

You can't make him lose weight - he's got to want that for himself - so if I were you, I wouldn't try to push healthy eating onto him.

But you don't have to put up with jealousy and bad-mouthing. It doesn't matter if it's due to you losing weight or his bi-polar disorder. You could choose to ignore it, if you are desperate to stay with him. In your shoes, I think I'd leave, even if I loved him. Some kinds of love chip away at your identity and it comes down to 'him or me'.

[FLHappyGirl 171]

First let me say what a spectacular job you are doing! You are changing your life for the better and in doing so, probably doing the same for your children. Congratulations on your success!

The divorce rate for bariatric patients is high. You are making changes that can affect your entire family's life style; your husband is fighting these changes. For your sake and the sake of your children you need to decide if you are going to allow him to sabotage these changes and potentially your continued success. His other choice is to hop on board and be a part of something wonderful.

I don't know a lot about bipolar disorder but it sounds like a really convenient excuse to blame his sh***y behavior and allow a vicious circle of verbal abuse to continue. If it truly is his bipolar he needs to figure out a way to fix it, be it meds, counseling or both.

Please don't allow yourself to get sucked in and try to deal with his insecurities. You will never be able to fix it, he has to want to do that! You can support him but you can't do it for him.

Good luck!

[Jenny1958 1]

Dear Abby used to say something about being better off overall with him or without him , fiscal issues are important as well as emotional . It’s a hard world out there supporting kids alone , but sometimes the effects of the toxic relationship such as the one you describe to be worse than the the benefits . I hope he stabilizes , would counseling be in order ? My DH has been supportive , but then he has loved always , thick or thin .

[GreenTealael 24,952]

4 hours ago, EmilyJune said:

Hi everyone! This question is geared toward people that have had surgery and lost most or all the weight they wanted to loose while maintaining a long term relationship. A bit about myself, I am 28 and have been in a 13 year committed relationship and have 2 children between us. I have lost about 191 lbs during the last 2 years and I am close to my first goal of 180 lb and plan to continue to onto about 165 lb. My partner has been over weight the entire relationship and while I have lost he has gained massive weight. Now he has trust issues and is so rude, disrespectful, verbally abusive and claims every moment that I leave the house "I am cheating". I know this comes from the fact he is overweight and feels self conscious. He blames his bipolar disorder for the way he treats me, but I am at the point of just kicking him to the curb because I practically have a human tail or leash everywhere I go and the comments are just awful. I have made food changes for the entire family to get my children on a healthier path, but he just hoards really high carb foods or orders take out and it is very frustrating. food is practically an addiction and I have been struggling really bad but have recently got back on track. I so badly want to say come on your jealous about my success and you should jump on the healthy wagon or get out. I'm just tired of being put down and with the stress and emotions I turn to food of course. I feel like he just drags me down. Has anyone been in this situation before?

No one deserves to be treated poorly. First and foremost take care of yourself then your children. Make whatever decision you choose the best for the people under your care.

Good luck

[ahillig 136]

You are better than an abusive relationship. No one deserves to be treated that way. Your kids are seeing how he treats you and that will become learned behavior. My ex-husband used to physically abuse me and now our 11 year old son's first instinct when he doesn't get his way is to hit, he was 2 when this was happening. My 15 year old daughter has PTSD as a result of what she witnessed back then and I left him almost 9 years ago. I was so relieved the day I ended things for good, the stress of the world was lifted from med. If you don't do it for you, do it for your kids.

[Avery's Mom 315]

tell him to get on some meds if he is blaming his illness, get on the bandwagon or shut up. DO NOT let him steal your joy!

PLUS you are letting your kids see that it is okay to treat someone badly if you continue to accept his behavior.

Good luck!

Edited March 1, 2019 by Avery's Mom

[EmilyJune 43]

4 hours ago, ahillig said:

You are better than an abusive relationship. No one deserves to be treated that way. Your kids are seeing how he treats you and that will become learned behavior. My ex-husband used to physically abuse me and now our 11 year old son's first instinct when he doesn't get his way is to hit, he was 2 when this was happening. My 15 year old daughter has PTSD as a result of what she witnessed back then and I left him almost 9 years ago. I was so relieved the day I ended things for good, the stress of the world was lifted from med. If you don't do it for you, do it for your kids.

Congrats on leaving. The only real reason I stay is for my children. He is a stay at home lazy parent on social security at age 34 and does NOTHING but watch our 4 year old son while I work and supervised our two sons sleeping when I work my nights. I work 72 hours per week and I am a nursing student. He helps in regards to watching the kids when i work but i wouldnt have to work as much if he ever supported. It has been a long 13 years of crap and laziness. I am severely overwhelmed and if I had someone trusting to move in and take his place with my children I would have been gone years ago. I keep saying when I graduate I am gone because I can afford a nanny at that point. Thanks for opening my eyes!