Dealing with those not supportive

[pugmom234 30]

I know that having a support system is really important on this journey. I do have a lot of people who do support me. My question is how do you deal with those who are close to you not supporting this journey? A close relative does not think that getting sleeved is a good idea. I have started this process before, and they made it very clear that the don't think it is a good idea. I just recently started my journey again (I like to think of it as I got a bit lost, now I am on track again), and I have not told this family member about it yet. So, in short, how do you deal with those who are not supportive?

[Matt Z 4,140]

4 minutes ago, pugmom234 said:

I know that having a support system is really important on this journey. I do have a lot of people who do support me. My question is how do you deal with those who are close to you not supporting this journey? A close relative does not think that getting sleeved is a good idea. I have started this process before, and they made it very clear that the don't think it is a good idea. I just recently started my journey again (I like to think of it as I got a bit lost, now I am on track again), and I have not told this family member about it yet. So, in short, how do you deal with those who are not supportive?

Facts and figures usually works. Find out WHY they don't approve, and when they throw out information that is wrong, correct them on the spot. If it's an opinion based reason, tell them that they are entitled to that opinion, but it's your life and your body and you'll do what's best for you no matter what their opinion is.

[pugmom234 30]

I agree 100% with you. I have a gut feeling as to why they don’t approve. I honestly feel as if they don’t want me to be healthier. They have done this to me before. They want me, for whatever reason, to be completely unhappy in every way. I am at the point where it is my body, my choice, my life, and my happiness. It’s just hard when you are close to someone who doesn’t approve.

[GreenTealael 25,622]

Well, do you *have* to tell them this time? You can be as selective as you want or as open as you like but you don't require anyone's consent

Be fiercely protective of your right to peace, privacy and autonomy on journey.

[pugmom234 30]

I don't have to tell them, I guess. I am holding off as long as possible this time around.

2 minutes ago, GreenTealael said:

Be fiercely protective of your right to peace, privacy and autonomy on journey.

This sentence is going to stick with me. It struck a cord with me. Thanks you! It is 100% true.

[Paul Clarke 108]

Ultimately the decision to proceed or not is yours. You will have to live with the consequences if you have the procedure or if you don't. Its really not for anyone else to decide for you. If it were me, I would have your chosen procedure, then have the discussion with them if you must, when it is too late to matter.

Personally I have been very open with pretty much anyone who asks about how I have lost my weight ("Clean living and surgery"). I haven't had anyone yet tell me I did the wrong thing, nor would I care much if they did. This was a decision I made for myself, and in the interests of my family and probably the best thing I have ever done. I can't promise you an easy road going forward because there are definite up and downsides to it, but for me the good vastly outweighs the bad and if someone can't see that for you, then thats their problem.

[Frustr8 7,886]

If they told you they didn' want you talking about, then don't, but go ahead and have the surgery,for You And if they aren't proud of you .we are veru,much.

[sillykitty 10,789]

1 hour ago, pugmom234 said:

I don't have to tell them, I guess. I am holding off as long as possible this time around.

This sentence is going to stick with me. It struck a cord with me. Thanks you! It is 100% true.

I agree with @GreenTealael

Minimize negative people in your life. Even if they are family. Why have people around you who want you unhappy?

[CrankyMagpie 509]

Whew, I feel this post, friend! It's a bummer, feeling like you need to keep something like this from people.

I have no idea how my in-laws will respond. They will probably have a bunch of opinions where I can't hear them, so I guess I can live with that. My blood family, though... they can be vicious. I know my mom opposes me taking this step, and I'm not sure if it's not wanting me to be healthier (probably a little; she has always seemed threatened when I lost too much weight) or if her entire problem is the part she actually expressed, which is fear of the risks of surgery.

So I'm not going to tell her until it's done, and I'm past the liquids-only phase. And she'll be angry that I didn't tell her, but ... I'm an adult (and have been for about two decades)? This is my body? I have to live in it? And I can always fall back on "I didn't want you to worry." Which is a nice thing to say to anyone you neglect to tell before the procedure, which should probably be ... basically everyone you won't see day-to-day during the recovery period.

Anyway, I'm really glad you have a good support network outside of that one person! That's going to help a lot. And if this person really bothers you, maybe some of your supporters can help run interference with them?

[pugmom234 30]

2 hours ago, CrankyMagpie said:

I have no idea how my in-laws will respond. They will probably have a bunch of opinions where I can't hear them, so I guess I can live with that. My blood family, though... they can be vicious. I know my mom opposes me taking this step, and I'm not sure if it's not wanting me to be healthier (probably a little; she has always seemed threatened when I lost too much weight) or if her entire problem is the part she actually expressed, which is fear of the risks of surgery.

CrankyMagpie, this is it exactly. It is my mom, to be completely honest, and I feel the same way as you are explaining. Every diet I have tried, she has tried to sabotage. When I say no, she keeps pressuring. Then when I keep saying no, I am "no fun".

Thank you to everyone who responded. I was just in a place of frustration of what do I do.

[kimberlymi 113]

Why tell them? It is no ones business but you and your doctors.
I feel that if someone can’t help you in this journey they don’t need to be a weight around your neck.
I had a problem with a family member that tried to talk me out of my surgery every time I spoke to them. I finally said. My favorite flowers are carnations. She asked what you want me to send you flowers after surgery you shouldn’t be having. My response was NO that is what I want you to send to my funeral when I die from my health issues caused by my weight.
That was all it took. They have not said another word about my surgery.

[J San 1,072]

11 hours ago, kimberlymi said:

I finally said. My favorite flowers are carnations. She asked what you want me to send you flowers after surgery you shouldn’t be having. My response was NO that is what I want you to send to my funeral when I die from my health issues caused by my weight.
That was all it took. They have not said another word about my surgery.

That is EPIC. What a great statement!!!!! Silly I know, but I now wish I had someone close that was not supportive so I could use a similar line. GENIUS!!!!

@pugmom234 It's tough having a close family member/friend that is not supportive. Having "a close family member... they want me to be completely unhealthy in every way" and it being your mother is way beyond. Why?!?!?!? is all I can think. It doesn't make any kind of sense to. I can only agree with many others and say you have to do what is in your best interest and what will make you a happier person. Tell and argue your case or just do it without letting her or anyone else that is not supportive know. That's a tough one and I sincerely wish you the best in this situation. Stay strong and if you want this DO IT.

[GreenTealael 25,622]

11 hours ago, kimberlymi said:

Why tell them? It is no ones business but you and your doctors.
I feel that if someone can’t help you in this journey they don’t need to be a weight around your neck.
I had a problem with a family member that tried to talk me out of my surgery every time I spoke to them. I finally said. My favorite flowers are carnations. She asked what you want me to send you flowers after surgery you shouldn’t be having. My response was NO that is what I want you to send to my funeral when I die from my health issues caused by my weight.
That was all it took. They have not said another word about my surgery.

Shut. Them. Down.

[Frustr8 7,886]

Maybe a sense of control, they want you to stay as,you are? "My poor pathetic,fat,Inez ! Isn't wonderful she has me to love her?" As you grow up, make your own life, make,your own decisions, you are growing away from her. How do I know this? Been there, add in a man that thought I was , once I married him, his possession and fought with my mother ever,time they were in the same room. Did either of them care really what I wanted? No I was a cipher in the situation. But I had emotional scars that still sting, so I had to rebuild myself after both their deaths. Did it make me better? I believe so, it was my life for years, so maybe I knew no other.
But Frstr8 is a cool, strong lady, she can support herself , doesn't need to be an extension of someone else, right or wrong she makes her decisions. And on September 5th, without anyone else thinking they are the emotional prop I need, I will March resolutely through my hospital's front admission area, knowing I made the right decision for me and my future life. And with the help of my surgeon Bradley J Needleman MD I will receive the surgical alterations to face my future days. I enter with no sorrows, no fears, no tears in my ❤ of hearts. And I,pray I leave in just the same way and with hope for my future days.

[jultrim18 132]

My parents are supportive, but they are very nervous. Luckily I have my mom who already had the surgery. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is not very supportive. He keeps telling me how much he is going to miss my body (ew) and that I do not need to do it because he loves me the way I am. However, I am doing this completely for myself. I do not care that he loves my body; I hate my body. You just have to make sure you are during this entirely for yourself and no one else. If you have zero support at home, you can always come on here for motivation! We are all in this together!