Neri's Journey thus far

[Neri 73]

I'm only halfway through the six months of visits I need before a request can even be sent to insurance, but I decided I wanted to tell my story so far anyway. I'll update here as things go on.

I just want to give a bit of a warning, however. For those of you with triggers, there is talk of mental health and suicide.

On with the show, I suppose.

I've been heavy since I was a little girl. Big boned, yes, but also more than my fair share of baby fat. But at the time, it was nothing too concerning. "It'll disappear when she gets older," people would tell my parents. If only that were true.

By the time I was about 12, that baby fat had turned into even more fat. My mom, who had also gotten heavy after the birth of my younger brother, decided it was time for a change. She and I started Atkins. But that didn't last long. Sure, we both lost a little, but a long stall coupled with cravings made us stop.

As a teenage girl, I became a lot more conscious about my weight. I started trying everything. Weight Watchers, counting calories, Atkins again, even starving myself. But nothing worked. I would lose a little, then regain it and more. It was rough being a 200+ lb girl, especially one that ended up gaining three big issues. The first issue was that I became a boredom eater. The second was that I had become a binge eater. This compared with the first was a problem meant when I got bored, I would binge. But there was yet another problem under all of this.

I wanted to die.

Failures in my weight and other unrelated areas of my life such as school, caused me to spiral into a deep depression. I slept most of the day and had almost no friends. Not even the voice in my head was a friend of mine. Whenever I started a binge, I would hear it.

"Yes. Eat, little piggy. You're so fat and ugly, and a failure. You deserve nothing, not even love. No one likes you, so just eat yourself to death."

I wanted to commit suicide not by any normal method, but by slowly destroying my body. Eating until I was so big I died of any number of issues. I knew a few people cared about me, my parents and at least one person at school. That was another reason for trying to die slowly. I wanted them to become so disgusted with me, that they wouldn't care if I died.

This carried on into my first two years of college. And then I had a psychological breakdown. I won't go into what happened, but I ended up seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Together we started to work through my issues, silencing the voice in my head, dealing with my depression, treating anxiety, getting me to be a functional part of society.

I was seeing an OBGYN during this time as well, and I was diagnosed with PCOS and the insulin resistance that came with it. That seemed to be a lot of the reason why I couldn't lose weight. But what was left for me to try? Another diet? I felt like nothing worked. I tried Nutrisystem, but the food was gross and I was unhappy. But due to the psychological help and a name to what's been plaguing my weight (and the love of my fiancee, who I met after receiving help), I no longer wanted to die. I wanted to live. I wanted to see 30. So two years ago I turned to weight loss surgery.

I planned to have the bypass done, but right off the bat, I wasn't too fond of my surgical team. I felt like a number to them. My surgeon I would only see for maybe a minute each appointment if I saw him at all. But still, I stuck with it until my sixth appointment got canceled. It was late December. He had gone on vacation. My PCP, who I had been able to see for some of the check-ins, had a full schedule so I couldn't see her. No one would do the check-in.

I had to start all over again.

It was at this point that my mom suggested I try Keto. It worked for my Uncle. It was working relatively well for her. I decided why not.

The reason why I shouldn't have was because I gained an obsession with numbers. In Keto (at least the way I understood it), the general maximum grams of carbs per day is 20. I felt guilty if I went over 5. In a sense, it worked. I lost about 30 pounds. But at this time, I also started to abuse laxatives because I wanted to keep seeing that number on the scale go down. Still, much like everything else I had tried before, I hit a stall then started to regain.

Frustrated, I gave up. I went back to my old ways, figuring that I had screwed my body up too badly to be recovered.

Then, three months and a change in insurance ago, I got curious. Would my new insurance cover bariatric surgery? I checked and saw that it would. That day, I made a decision. I would get on the path to surgery again. And this time, I would complete it no matter what. I found a new surgeon with a new group. It's one that actually specializes in obesity medicine. Half of my six appointments are actually with the surgeon, and he explains things in more detail than I got before. The other half is with a nutritionist who is actually knowledgeable about the dietary needs of bariatric patients.

I feel like a person, not a number.

I feel actually informed.

I feel more ready for this surgery.

In October, a week after I get married, I will be having my last check-in with my surgeon. Then everything will go to insurance.

I'm ready.

[GreenTealael 25,593]

Thanks for sharing your story, i hope you stick around and continue to work towards your all of your goals.

I also hope you (and everyone) will continue to seek mental health services throughout your journey because as you will read frequently, the mental part is very instrumental in overall success or struggles after surgery. Losing weight may just be one element in the compound of happiness.

Safe Journey!!!

[Frustr8 7,886]

And "neri" if you ever need a BARI God/Grandma look me up. So much of your story resonates with me, I think we could be good for each other, Granted I am a whole lot older but I just now myself am having surgery. At 7 AM EDT,September 5th I will have my own RnY bypass surgery. I now have a wonderful surgeon in a Wonderful caring program at Ohio State University in Columbus. Ohio. But it wasn't always so, I went through another program not once but twice and then was capriciously," kicked to the curb" by their surgeon and his 2 buddies. Three surgeons and not a one thought I was worth the surgery. That hurt so badly, they had wasted my,time, ripped off my insurances , and were definitely not the right kind of people. You know Neri when I met him I sensed there was something "off" about him, but I pushed that to the back , thought his lack of warmness was somehow my fault. Trust your instincts, they are seldom wrong. I honestly believe if I had walked out their door and onto the Interstate they would have not shed a tear, probably would not even noticed. But I wanted my surgery so badly, jumped through every hoop, met with every specialist they could dream up and for what? So they could turn away from me, verbally deprecate me to other members of their staff, I wish there was some way of suing them for "failure to provide".
At my new facility everyone wasvwelcoming, genuinely interested in me as a person, asked how they could "help"me, want me to be as successful as I wish for myself. They show a commitment the first place never did.
I didn't tell you how old I am and perhaps I should. I am 72 years old now, I will be 73 the day after Christmas. Now that is a far from typical age, at a time of life where many,wish to retire, I instead want to live, I grew tired of being sick and tired. And I phsiologically am still quite young My primary care physician is less than 50 years old. I have a lower blood pressure, a lower cholesterol, no diabetes, all the things that should be wrong with me aren't. And I earnestly yearn for my surgery, I will have a tool to effect a change in my life And I will not mess up this chance for anything or anyone. This is my time to shine forth and I shall do it. No doubts, no fears , they drowned a long time ago in my tears.
Now I face bravely all that will occur and have still trust.
And I will be a. Final Victor for indeed I must.
Your new friend and future surgery mate Frustr8

[Neri 73]

20 hours ago, GreenTealael said:

Thanks for sharing your story, i hope you stick around and continue to work towards your all of your goals.

I also hope you (and everyone) will continue to seek mental health services throughout your journey because as you will read frequently, the mental part is very instrumental in overall success or struggles after surgery. Losing weight may just be one element in the compound of happiness.

Safe Journey!!!

Thank you. I'm definitely going to be sticking around here, and staying with mental health services. Like you said, the mental part is instrumental to success!

[Neri 73]

20 hours ago, Frustr8 said:

And "neri" if you ever need a BARI God/Grandma look me up. So much of your story resonates with me, I think we could be good for each other, Granted I am a whole lot older but I just now myself am having surgery. At 7 AM EDT,September 5th I will have my own RnY bypass surgery. I now have a wonderful surgeon in a Wonderful caring program at Ohio State University in Columbus. Ohio. But it wasn't always so, I went through another program not once but twice and then was capriciously," kicked to the curb" by their surgeon and his 2 buddies. Three surgeons and not a one thought I was worth the surgery. That hurt so badly, they had wasted my,time, ripped off my insurances , and were definitely not the right kind of people. You know Neri when I met him I sensed there was something "off" about him, but I pushed that to the back , thought his lack of warmness was somehow my fault. Trust your instincts, they are seldom wrong. I honestly believe if I had walked out their door and onto the Interstate they would have not shed a tear, probably would not even noticed. But I wanted my surgery so badly, jumped through every hoop, met with every specialist they could dream up and for what? So they could turn away from me, verbally deprecate me to other members of their staff, I wish there was some way of suing them for "failure to provide".
At my new facility everyone wasvwelcoming, genuinely interested in me as a person, asked how they could "help"me, want me to be as successful as I wish for myself. They show a commitment the first place never did.
I didn't tell you how old I am and perhaps I should. I am 72 years old now, I will be 73 the day after Christmas. Now that is a far from typical age, at a time of life where many,wish to retire, I instead want to live, I grew tired of being sick and tired. And I phsiologically am still quite young My primary care physician is less than 50 years old. I have a lower blood pressure, a lower cholesterol, no diabetes, all the things that should be wrong with me aren't. And I earnestly yearn for my surgery, I will have a tool to effect a change in my life And I will not mess up this chance for anything or anyone. This is my time to shine forth and I shall do it. No doubts, no fears , they drowned a long time ago in my tears.
Now I face bravely all that will occur and have still trust.
And I will be a. Final Victor for indeed I must.
Your new friend and future surgery mate Frustr8

I never did say how old I was either, did I? I'm 26. But still, isn't it so nice to go into a facility that is so much more welcoming? It just feels safer. At least, to me it does anyway.

[Frustr8 7,886]

You're right, there is a difference being respected and cherished versus a number and a monetary meal ticket. So glad we both landed in our right places with the right people.Its the difference between dark dismalness and soft bright sunlight.😛smiles and Please keep in touch!

[Neri 73]

I said I would update here on my journey, and so I shall.

It has been an extremely busy couple of months for me. After getting married in October, I had my final appointment with my surgeon. And then began the nervewracking wait for insurance. I waited and waited.

Finally, I got the call from my surgeon's office. I had been approved! That day I scheduled my surgery for December 26th.

Three days ago I started the preop liver shrink diet. It has been kicking my butt. I'm tired and nauseous all the time, but it'll be worth it. I know it will.

[Neri 73]

Another update: well, yesterday was my surgery. I would have updated then, but I was just so out of it. So instead, I'm updating today.

Yesterday I felt both terrible and awesome. Terrible because I was in pain and horribly nauseous. I even ended up throwing up at one point. But I felt awesome because I did it. I got through surgery.

Today I'm doing much better. I'm still in pain and nauseous, but it is not as bad as yesterday. I'm also up walking more.

[Neri 73]

Oooookaaaaay...So, uh...it's been just a little while since my last update, hasn't it? 14 months still counts as a "little while" doesn't it?

Anyway, the past year has had some big developments in my journey. If I were to narrate everything that happened over the past 14 months, this post could possibly be as long as the first one here, so instead, I'll give a bulleted list.

• Several weeks after my surgery, as my husband was leaving for work, he gave me a hug and commented that he could finally get his arms around me. It made me so, so happy.
• I tried for a while to get some sort of small pedal machine for under my desk at work. I sit at a computer all day, and so I thought it might help. Unfortunately, I discovered that my desk does not have the space needed for something like that. I still search for something I can do at work.
• I have hit several very long stalls (in fact, I'm just breaking one now). They were incredibly frustrating, but small changes and patience finally won out.
• My husband and I moved out of our apartment and bought a house. While this is exciting, it did have the unfortunate drawback of moving away from the forest path that I would go for walks on. Finding a new path to go for walks on hasn't been easy, mostly because of the weather.
• In a similar vein to the previous bullet point, my ankle doesn't bother me as much anymore.
• Because of the move, I had to find a new psychiatrist. Among other things I was diagnosed with, I was officially told that I had binge eating disorder, and I am finally being treated for it. My new depression medication is also used to treat BED, and it works wonderfully.
• I attempted planning my meals a week in advance, as well as meal prepping. This didn't work out too well. Leftovers went uneaten and many meals didn't get made because I wouldn't feel like making them that day. Too much food ended up wasted. Instead, I plan dinner while I work then stop by the store on my way home.
• I looked at myself (well, more than just my face) in a mirror for the first time in years. I ended up buying a new wardrobe, partly because my clothes were old and worn but mostly because they really, really didn't fit anymore. Apparently, I was down two clothing sizes.
• Perhaps the biggest development is that I've lost 118lbs! However, I can't actually see the loss.

Guys, I feel really, really good. Not just good, I feel like a person again. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt like a person. I'm taking care of myself again: doing my makeup, trying to tame the frizz that is my hair, cleaning the house, all that sort of thing.