Husband does not support my dream to have this surgery

[churchgirl 48]

Danny Paul - New to all of this & 6 days post op & you just answered the huge question & worry that has been in the back of my mind for the nine months I’ve been talking myself in & out of this surgery! What makes me think, after all these years as a compulsive over eater, that I’m suddenly not going to continue that ingrained habit because I don’t like to be sick?! Heck, I spent a lot of time taking Imodium & being nauseous before! You nailed it! “ The wls will help me lose weight no doubt, but if I don’t fix the underlying problem I will be doomed to failure.”
Right now, after 6 days, I’m down 14 lbs & I’m ecstatic! But that ever present thought in the back of my mind that says, “When is the other shoe going to drop?” was just answered by your reminder. The WLS was just the first step down this road. Time to work on my mind now. I so don’t want to fail.

Thank you so much! You’re an angel in disguise!

[kjallen 15]

I find myself in the same situation. I began this journey 9/5/17, surgery was scheduled for 1/26/18. My mother in law had vsg 12/14/18 and passed away one week later. My husband is now totally against surgery. I have tried to give him time to heal, but he is still not onboard. I have gained 20 lbs since December. I have an appointment with my doctor Thursday to get back in the program. I saw all of that to encourage you to put yourself first. I’ve had to make this decision to put myself first or I will not be good for myself or my family. It is hard not having a support system, I’m just trying to focus on the positivity that it will bring to myself and family.

[Golfgal51 11]

This would be in the back of my mind......Will he love and care for me in sickness and in health? With that attitude I would think not! Having the surgery will SAVE your health....not having will bring on disease caused by obesity. I would not keep him around long enough to find out!

[Frustr8 7,886]

this is the third attempt I have had this am trying to post this! My phone keeps dropping this conversation. Don't understand why.
I am sorry your husband won't climb on the" @kjallen train🚝 to success", only excuse and I'm not sure of its validity, he is still wearing his mourning glasses and can't see anything else.
I will be having,my RnY next,month at OSU-Wexner Medical Center in Columbus, my story has had twists and turns in it. Post back,of better yet,,PM me and I'll explain it all.
KJ you have all of us Bari-brothers. & sisters in your corner , we all will cheer you on, it just hurts when someone who professes love for you isn't all they can be!
Your Bari-Supporter.......Frustr8

[Born in Missouri 1,266]

Maybe he's insecure about what the new you might be. Some people are afraid of how change will affect them. Is he heavy too? Maybe he doesn't have the cojones, and needs you to fail because he's the one who'd fail. Don't be bullied into NOT pursuing what is right for your life. Does he support you in other things? If not, I see a pattern. If he's not supporting you unconditionally in something as important as this to YOU, I see something very, very wrong with this man.

Gotta go. My surgery is today and I have to leave for the hospital soon.

[NrseMel77 5]

Hi.. I'm going to have to agree with allwet. You can't change the insecurities of a man. He probably feels you'll leave him when you drop weight and look even more beautiful than now. Try and involve him a little more. If he's not overweight then ask him for tips on work out routines. If your marriage is going to work it's a team effort not just you do what makes him happy. If that doesn't work then keep moving forward.
You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Love yourself enough to say this is my health, my well being and he said for better or worse, sickness and health.
Make sure you have strong support post surgery because I've heard it will be an emotional battle in itself.
Good luck and God bless

[Dmantei56 42]

I have been looking at having the Sleeve done for over a year, finally bit the bullet, went to the doctor, since I’m self pay, only had to do the dietician meetings and classes, and get EKG clearance. At first my hubby was very leery, but I think I’ve shown him my determination by following the pre op diet very closely. He finally has come around and will be taking off to be with me on Monday at the hospital! I’m excited to be on this journey!

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

12 hours ago, kjallen said:

I find myself in the same situation. I began this journey 9/5/17, surgery was scheduled for 1/26/18. My mother in law had vsg 12/14/18 and passed away one week later. My husband is now totally against surgery. I have tried to give him time to heal, but he is still not onboard. I have gained 20 lbs since December. I have an appointment with my doctor Thursday to get back in the program. I saw all of that to encourage you to put yourself first. I’ve had to make this decision to put myself first or I will not be good for myself or my family. It is hard not having a support system, I’m just trying to focus on the positivity that it will bring to myself and family.

I'm so sorry your husband isn't on board with this. Was he supportive when his mother had surgery? If so, it's not the surgery that has him paralyzed, it's the terror of losing you, too. Maybe you can seek couples therapy or even counseling with your pastor if you have one. He needs to be able to process his fear and get it to "manageable" levels, and be able to discuss the pros/cons of this surgery objectively. This surgery will affect both of you, whether he likes it or not.

Edited June 13, 2018 by Orchids&Dragons

[Boldilocks 313]

I am brand new to this also - and have not even brought it up with my husband.

I have a friend who had gastric sleeve a year ago and is doing great with it - and just the total scorn with which he talks about her and WLS in general, I know he will not be on board. She should just work out more, she's risking her life, easy way out, just lazy - all that regular ignorant BS.

He is a little overweight himself - not much, though. He yo-yos up and down by binge-eating and drinking, and gaining weight - then exercising 2 hrs a day and eating 2 lean cuisines a day to lose it. He is an alcoholic, and definitely has addictive beahaviours and an all-or-nothing approach to other things in life too. He eats everything in the house, or he starves himself, he plays video games all day long, or he swears off them entirely. He's on the wagon for 3 or 4 montghs, and then he goes on a 2 week vodka binge.

It's OK - I don't go to him for support in most things - we are in a marriage of convenience more than anything else. I'm from the UK and I moved to the US to be with him. If we were to divorce I would want to go home with our 2 daughters - but he would never allow that. So the way I see it, why divorce and go and live in some shitty apartment nearby and have to split time with my kids. I've put my time in (17 years) - why let some other woman get what I'm entitled to (it wouldn't be hard for him around here, there is a shortage of employed single men). I feel like I may as well be comfortable if I'm stuck here.

He's also 25 years older than me, which plays into it as well. I can wait. And when he passes, I'll be free and with a good-sized pension to boot.

ANYWAY - I have to do 6 months of weigh ins with our insurance, as well as the nutional appts, psych eval, etc. I had my initial consult last week, but can't start the monthy appts until September because my daughters and I go home to the UK for 6 weeks in the summer (see what I mean - couldn't afford that if we divorced).

My biggest fear is that he will try to stop the surgery by cancelling it. There is history there - he tried to do this 5 years ago when I had my breast reduction surgery. He got drunk the week before and I actually caught him red-handed trying to get me thrown off his insurance, and also calling the hospital and trying to cancel the surgery date.

Now, it didn't happen. I intercepted the calls. And he sobered up by the time surgery rolled around - but I had a friend lined up to take me to the hospital if he wasn't "available", and my mum had already flown in and stayed for 6 weeks to look after me. I really don't look to him for support.

So I have NO PLANS at all to tell him until right before the surgery. Is there a way he would find out? This is a much longer process than the breast reduction approval, and I worry they'll call him with questions? Is he able to have me thrown off the insurance any time he wants?

I am so terrified of him finding out. I can do all my appts while he is at work because I have free time during the day (again, I prefer my comfortable life), but I really want to keep it a secret as long as I can.

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

7 minutes ago, Boldilocks said:

So I have NO PLANS at all to tell him until right before the surgery. Is there a way he would find out? This is a much longer process than the breast reduction approval, and I worry they'll call him with questions? Is he able to have me thrown off the insurance any time he wants?

I am so terrified of him finding out. I can do all my appts while he is at work because I have free time during the day (again, I prefer my comfortable life), but I really want to keep it a secret as long as I can.

I absolutely do think this can be done. But if you do, tell no-one else except the one person you plan on for support afterwards. You can cover your pre-op dieting with "I'm just eating healthy" since he seems to be on board with that. No one called my husband with any questions, but I'd be really up-front with the doctor, dietician, etc. to make sure they understand. Do not give them any number except your cell. Does your husband go into your phone for anything?

[Boldilocks 313]

7 minutes ago, Orchids&Dragons said:

I absolutely do think this can be done. But if you do, tell no-one else except the one person you plan on for support afterwards. You can cover your pre-op dieting with "I'm just eating healthy" since he seems to be on board with that. No one called my husband with any questions, but I'd be really up-front with the doctor, dietician, etc. to make sure they understand. Do not give them any number except your cell. Does your husband go into your phone for anything?

No - he can be a jerk, but he's not controlling that way. I have fingerprint protection on my phone anyway, and it is the only number I give out. The insurance company is always sending statements, and I open and discard them because he is not even interested in seeing them. I have my own business working from home - but I can pretty much do my own thing right up until 5.30pm on weekdays for appts and he would be none the wiser.

My daughters know about the surgery and are very on board. They can keep a secret - we are always doing things without him knowing. They aren't all that close to him because he's not around all that much if he's binge drinking/binge exercising/binge online game playing - and often the 3 of us will just go off shopping, out to eat, to fairs, festivals, etc. I mean, it's pretty telling that we go off to the UK for 6 weeks in the summer and leave him behind... They are only 11 and 10, though - so I have at least 3 good friends that could take me to the hospital (including the 1 that had gastric sleeve last year). Once it's a done deal he'll be Ok with it - but I'm pretty sure he would do anything to stop it. Because he'll be worried that something will happen to me, yes - but also because he'll be jealous (having done his stupid yo-yo diets for 17 years himself) and because he is so much older than me and he dislikes me getting any male attention as it is (he's 66, and I'm 41 and don't look it).

My BMI is not huge - at 36 with diabetes, PCOS, and high cholesterol I *just* qualify, so I have not been told to lose any weight prior. The surgery for me is more about future-proofing my health. For the last couple of years I have made sure to do at least 10,000 steps a day, and keep my calories around 1300. I have logged it all in MyFitnessPal going back to 2015. I should lose weight, but with the PCOS it is almost impossible. What I am looking to get out of the WLS is the complete reset of hormones and metabolism that follows. Because I don;t know how I could keep this up in 10 years, 20 years, etc.

No joke - I already have a Protein Shake for Breakfast and one for lunch, for 2 years now. He's used to seeing that. I have been vegetarian since I was a child and only use skim milk, etc. and cook healthy meals. I don't think he's going to notice much difference in my pre-op diet. Plus I can hide any odd looking stuff in my room - we have separate bedrooms.

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

6 minutes ago, Boldilocks said:

No - he can be a jerk, but he's not controlling that way. I have fingerprint protection on my phone anyway, and it is the only number I give out. The insurance company is always sending statements, and I open and discard them because he is not even interested in seeing them. I have my own business working from home - but I can pretty much do my own thing right up until 5.30pm on weekdays for appts and he would be none the wiser.

My daughters know about the surgery and are very on board. They can keep a secret - we are always doing things without him knowing. They aren't all that close to him because he's not around all that much if he's binge drinking/binge exercising/binge online game playing - and often the 3 of us will just go off shopping, out to eat, to fairs, festivals, etc. I mean, it's pretty telling that we go off to the UK for 6 weeks in the summer and leave him behind... They are only 11 and 10, though - so I have at least 3 good friends that could take me to the hospital (including the 1 that had gastric sleeve last year). Once it's a done deal he'll be Ok with it - but I'm pretty sure he would do anything to stop it. Because he'll be worried that something will happen to me, yes - but also because he'll be jealous (having done his stupid yo-yo diets for 17 years himself) and because he is so much older than me and he dislikes me getting any male attention as it is (he's 66, and I'm 41 and don't look it).

My BMI is not huge - at 36 with diabetes, PCOS, and high cholesterol I *just* qualify, so I have not been told to lose any weight prior. The surgery for me is more about future-proofing my health. For the last couple of years I have made sure to do at least 10,000 steps a day, and keep my calories around 1300. I have logged it all in MyFitnessPal going back to 2015. I should lose weight, but with the PCOS it is almost impossible. What I am looking to get out of the WLS is the complete reset of hormones and metabolism that follows. Because I don;t know how I could keep this up in 10 years, 20 years, etc.

No joke - I already have a Protein Shake for Breakfast and one for lunch, for 2 years now. He's used to seeing that. I have been vegetarian since I was a child and only use skim milk, etc. and cook healthy meals. I don't think he's going to notice much difference in my pre-op diet. Plus I can hide any odd looking stuff in my room - we have separate bedrooms.

Sounds totally doable then! Good luck!

[Bobbie2017 13]

Thank you all for your advice it has been very supportive and awakening. The marriage will survive this he is afraid, and no he is not a heavy man. When asked what the problem is he is worried that this will be harder on me than I think, he is also afraid of any surgery, and he doesn't want to lose me by accident or otherwise.

He will support me, but he is more afraid of this then I will ever be. I'm not rushing into this I have been able to do everything but lose weight. Today I go and see the dietician and find out what and when they are going to do it. If they don't then Mexico here I come I think it's foolish to put people through this and yes I understand that smoking, drinking is not the problem it's eating but this surgery was created for that.

[Boldilocks 313]

I'm glad you've come to an understanding with him Bobbie - it'll be much easier that way in the long run I'm sure!

[apositivelife4me 189]

who cares about your husband at this point!