Did anyone cheat? Do you think about it? Its one of my fears... temptation I think will be worse also all the attention

Did anyone cheat? Do you think about it? Its one of my fears... temptation I think will be worse also all the attention

Why do you think you will be tempted to cheat?

You may find that the extra attention isn't as exciting as one might think. You may also find that extra skin that is loose and saggy causes more anxiety about sharing your naked body than being fat ever did.

Just a couple possibilities.

I am more sexual than my husband. Hes like a one time a week guy im like a 2 times a day at least girl. So i feel safe with my heavy self like maybe 3 guys check me out daily I feel it will be way worse when Im thinner. Mentally Im agood in our marriage and physically I can understand my husband is older. I was raised in a family where this is totally acceptable and I dont want to be like that I dont want to be a lier. But it feels almost natural and I fight against it. Its hard to explain.

I am more sexual than my husband. Hes like a one time a week guy im like a 2 times a day at least girl. So i feel safe with my heavy self like maybe 3 guys check me out daily I feel it will be way worse when Im thinner. Mentally Im agood in our marriage and physically I can understand my husband is older. I was raised in a family where this is totally acceptable and I dont want to be like that I dont want to be a lier. But it feels almost natural and I fight against it. Its hard to explain.

Sounds like something you need to explain to your husband, you might come up with a healthy compromise.

Sexually there are other things that can be done without the need for another person. But this path is entirely yours.

But I myself would rather leave before I cheat.

My experience....is that Infidelity, by itself, is almost never the integral issue.

Infidelity is a symptom of a bigger underlying problem in a marriage that isn't working.

People in happy marriages don't cheat.

Not to say there aren't marriages and couples who survive a bout of cheating...but it's a huge red flag that more is wrong than meets the eye.

Without addressing the underlying issues, the marriage becomes doomed.

Remember that 85% of people who get bariatric surgery get divorced.

If you're "happily married" and cheating...you're either a massive narcissist, or are in serious denial.

I can only speak from my own experience. My husband and I had mismatched sex drives. I was an every day gal (more if there was time), he was a once every week or two guy. I struggled. I felt rejected, ugly, unloved, unwanted and lost confidence. We tried talking but he wasn't up for a compromise. I never cheated but I can see how you could think that way. My advice is to deal with the bigger issues. Firstly, is there a medical reason for his low libido e.g. hormones or stress etc. Secondly, is there an emotional reason? Then see if there's a compromise to be made. You can take care of your own needs if it's purely sexual and he doesn't have to have sex to be actively involved in making sure you get off. To me, cheating would cause nothing but misery. No penis is worth the cost of an otherwise happy marriage x

Edited March 1, 20188 yr by MsTipps

Cheating is not a solution to your problem. Listen to yoyrself - go reread your post a few times. - While you are fat, you seek less attention and have no problwm being faithful. You fear more attention will lead to cheating. You sound like getting excess attention is the problem. The problem is in your head, your upbringing, or both. You need counseling to sort this out, it could be a high libido or it could be an addiction or other problem.

If you are committed to your marriage, you DON'T CHEAT period, regardless of libido.

Self-sex.

But you could be using this libido thing because you secretly want to cheat, better examine this closer.

My ex wife got the surgery and took less that 18 months to cheat. She was always a chubby girl growing up and now got all the attention like you mentioned. She couldn’t handle it and took the first guy aka creep that said she was pretty. He was 15 years older. Figured out her affair. Shift blame on me for making her do it. Didn’t take more than 3 months for her to get pregnant. During divorce she tried claim it was mine and show medical proof it was not! As she told me it was her plan to cheat and get me fixed. So our kids could only get my money. Narcissist she was and still is. She told me during divorce and trying to reconcile. If this guy don’t work. I got them lined out the door now. Now she dropped the affair partner after finally figured out he is worthless. She jumps guy to guy now. Very codependent person as she needs new guy lined up before going to next. Nothing but pictures on fb n other sites. I let my friends know now about 85% after surgery. A marriage breaker. Not worth it in my book. People can’t handle the extra attention and think grass is greener on other side. Guess what she is out at bars now and I have my kids thanksgiving and for her birthday. She don’t a care for her kids anymore and is is social worker! Definitely be mentally stable to handle that attention. It is a marriage killer

I wonder if the 85% divorce rate is due to the fact that the obese person was undervalued in the relationship? Once they regain their self esteem they are able to explore options which weren’t available to them previously.

On 11/25/2021 at 8:00 PM, Dumbguy said:

My ex wife got the surgery and took less that 18 months to cheat. She was always a chubby girl growing up and now got all the attention like you mentioned. She couldn’t handle it and took the first guy aka creep that said she was pretty. He was 15 years older. Figured out her affair. Shift blame on me for making her do it. Didn’t take more than 3 months for her to get pregnant. During divorce she tried claim it was mine and show medical proof it was not! As she told me it was her plan to cheat and get me fixed. So our kids could only get my money. Narcissist she was and still is. She told me during divorce and trying to reconcile. If this guy don’t work. I got them lined out the door now. Now she dropped the affair partner after finally figured out he is worthless. She jumps guy to guy now. Very codependent person as she needs new guy lined up before going to next. Nothing but pictures on fb n other sites. I let my friends know now about 85% after surgery. A marriage breaker. Not worth it in my book. People can’t handle the extra attention and think grass is greener on other side. Guess what she is out at bars now and I have my kids thanksgiving and for her birthday. She don’t a care for her kids anymore and is is social worker! Definitely be mentally stable to handle that attention. It is a marriage killer

@Dumbguy Sorry to hear you went through that experience, it is never easy, and it's even worse on the kids. Seems like you are better off without her. And you are focusing on what is important, being a father for your kids when they need you the most. Best of luck!

On 11/26/2021 at 5:10 PM, Dougster said:

I wonder if the 85% divorce rate is due to the fact that the obese person was undervalued in the relationship? Once they regain their self esteem they are able to explore options which weren’t available to them previously.

I think it's a combination of factors, IMO.

• Overweight person has low self esteem, and "settles" for his/her partner. And is more tolerant of the partner's behavior that bother/annoy him/her. Probably thinking: "I am so overweight, I am lucky to have this partner, imperfect as he/she is..."
• After WLS, their self-esteem goes up, and then comes the thought: "I don't have to put up with this stuff anymore... I'm out of here"
• And then add, that since they look better physically, they get more attention.. hence more 'opportunities', grass is greener, etc.

I looked at the 85% before WLS, and it is a scary number.

But.. if you are happy in your marriage, just keep working on keeping it strong. If you are unhappy in your marriage, then work on fixing whatever issues are there WITH your partner.

On 11/26/2021 at 5:10 PM, Dougster said:

I wonder if the 85% divorce rate is due to the fact that the obese person was undervalued in the relationship? Once they regain their self esteem they are able to explore options which weren’t available to them previously.

I would be interested to know if these people that divorce were obese when they met their spouse. Before my surgery I was concerned about that statistic and my husband says I know what I will be getting when you are thin again, you were thin when I met you and that made sense to me. He knew I am a little more confident and outgoing but for the most part the same person and he is not insecure or anything about my being thin. Anyways, I started to wonder if the WLS patient or the spouse changes more often if they never knew the person when they were thin before?? Just something to think about.

Could be that the person was slim when they met and emotional abuse led them to overeat as a comfort. Could work either way? I guess if you have a happy relationship beforehand then it really shouldn’t raise any issues. The 85% figure must mean that there are a lot of unhappy relationships. I guess seeking out surgery means you’re seeking to rectify things which aren’t working in your life and weight is perhaps just one of those things. I wonder if any research has been done on this? It would make for an interesting topic. I also wonder whether it’s the patient or the spouse who initiates the divorce? I assume it’s the patient. I might be wrong.

Did anyone cheat? Do you think about it? Its one of my fears... temptation I think will be worse also all the attention

It's natural to want attention after feeling deprived from others noticing you and now you feel young and alive. But that comes with great consequences. When your marriage was built on solid ground it will remain. Find God! Pray about your situation. We have all failed ourselves God and our mate at something. Talk to your husband. Make sure you are ready to give up everything for attention. Try to focus on your marriage more, get in women's groups, join a Bible based church. Get involved in helping at a food pantry. Good luck and God be with you! I'm just judging you, we have all been there. Just realize you can lose everything you love.

My ex wife got the surgery and took less that 18 months to cheat. She was always a chubby girl growing up and now got all the attention like you mentioned. She couldn’t handle it and took the first guy aka creep that said she was pretty. He was 15 years older. Figured out her affair. Shift blame on me for making her do it. Didn’t take more than 3 months for her to get pregnant. During divorce she tried claim it was mine and show medical proof it was not! As she told me it was her plan to cheat and get me fixed. So our kids could only get my money. Narcissist she was and still is. She told me during divorce and trying to reconcile. If this guy don’t work. I got them lined out the door now. Now she dropped the affair partner after finally figured out he is worthless. She jumps guy to guy now. Very codependent person as she needs new guy lined up before going to next. Nothing but pictures on fb n other sites. I let my friends know now about 85% after surgery. A marriage breaker. Not worth it in my book. People can’t handle the extra attention and think grass is greener on other side. Guess what she is out at bars now and I have my kids thanksgiving and for her birthday. She don’t a care for her kids anymore and is is social worker! Definitely be mentally stable to handle that attention. It is a marriage killer

My guess is she is 35 to 40ish. With self esteem issues and raging hormones. It's not you at all! Some women can't help the mental hormones. It's really not always a lack of attention. I'm sorry your heart was broken. In time it will heal. You will move on and find a new love.