For 20 years, I dieted, and lied to myself.

Went back and forth between two extremes. You might be familiar with them.

One was called....Screw it, you're fat, so what? I drank a two liter of Pepsi daily, loved bread, french fries, chicken tenders, and chocolate turtle ice cream pie. I also love food that was good for me. And food that had sprinkles. And grease. And sugar. And anything hot out of an oven. And....well, you get the picture. My husband laughed at me for putting excess bacon on my veggie burgers.

The other me was....The Fitness Nazi. I was the autistic savant of calorie counting. Like Rain man, I could look at a deconstructed plate of stuff and guess calories with the accuracy of a food scientist. I was all about counting my grapes, going from one fad diet to the next. This time, I'm going to find the answer to fast weight loss. Must be thin. Not healthy. Not strong. Thin. And I'd like to be thin as fast as possible, please. Need to go to the gym. I hate the gym. Go anyway, you're fat, you must repent and be punished by the gym to be excused of your sin of fattness. Must never again eat anything white, or carb, or that casts a shadow. I'm a perfectionist, dammit. I can DO THIS!

Speaking of Fatness. Remember The Hunger Games? I went to a costume party last year as the fat version of Katniss Everdeen: Fatness NeverLean. My flaming dress had porkchops on it.

For 20 years...I went back and forth between two lies. I'm not either of these people.

I'm not in denial about how bad obesity is for your health. I care. But I'm not a Fitness Nazi either. I don't care about being thin.

For me...I needed to make peace with food, not fight a war against it. And man, sometimes if feels like that's all we do. Just endlessly battle. I'm tried, man. Just really tired of the war.

What helped me the most...is escaping an extremist mindset.

I'm tired of extremes.

I don't want to binge on crap anymore. Screw that self destructive nonsense.

I also don't want to starve anymore or eat "healthy" things I HATE. Screw that self destructive nonsense, too.

I don't want to eat stuff I don't like..."because it's good for me." I want to eat stuff that I DO like that's good for me. Sometimes those things are hard to find! But they're out there. They're worth finding and taking the extra effort to make.

I'm tired of lying to myself. 20 years of dieting lies...up, down, up down. What's the point? I don't want to be either of those two people, I just kept running from both of them.

I had to find balance. I had to love my life, love my diet, love my self enough to stop the self abuse of both extremes. I HATE the fat binger. I HATE the thin fitness nazi.

Finding the plan that works for the individual is tough. And it's gonna be different for everyone. It's not one size fits all. (nothing one size fits all works for me...lol)

If I were doing low carb and crazy low calories, I'd probably shoot myself or others. I feel horrible on that plan...and I know from experience that I'll crash and burn on it eventually. It works great for some folks....but I'm not one of them.

These days I'm working on being really really honest with myself. I'm picking things for my diet on a new criteria...Do I genuinely like eating this? Is it good nutrition? Can it fit in a balanced day of healthy eating?

When I exercise, I don't think about how many calories it burns anymore, or how long I have to do it, or what gets me the most burn in the least time. I think....Do I enjoy doing this? Do I look forward to it, or dread it? Can I do this with a friend for support and have a good time?

I want to love my new life.

I want a Forever diet that I love.

I want a Forever exercise plan that I love.

I want balance.

I'm done with immediacy and urgency and extremes.

I'm losing weight slow and steady. If I lose 3-5 pounds a month, I am so happy with that. I didn't put all this weight on in a few months, I'm not gonna lose it in a few months.

They say you'll lose weight for 18 months or so after surgery. I've got 16 months to go. If I lose 2-3 pounds a month, I'll make my goal. I'm in no hurry, because I'm working on my forever diet that I can love and live with.......not my "until I'm skinny" punishment diet.

Sometimes I really think the key to this whole mess is finding a way to be honest with yourself...resolve the two extremes and find the middle ground.

Just some thoughts. Take what ya like, and leave the rest:)

@Creekimp13 - while what I have to say about my own views/experiences may be different, I love the authenticity (best line ever, Fatness Everdeen).

Your post speaks to what I think is the most important part of this journey, which is the opportunity to resolve for ourselves a whole host of things - our relationship to our body, being fat, food, health, exercise. I can't imagine long term success without resolving that.

For myself, I had decided that it was critical that I drive a Mack Truck through the opening called "honeymoon" phase and loose as much weight as possible as quickly as possible. While I was much heavier than you, I believed good results, a leaner body and the ability to be more active would motivate me to change habits and handle being so willing to destroy my body and health for 10 minutes of food-pleasure over a period of decades.

I am in my 11th month, so we shall see, but I find myself naturally responding to an uptick in the scale, dealing with automatic behaviors, thinking before I hit the order button on seamless and really asking myself "why am I buying this" in the grocery store. More often than not, I end up not doing certain things that were natural. On Sunday I walked into a Checkers to order a small fry and walked out. It didn't take effort, it was natural. What has me do that is not anything about discipline or forcing myself to do/not do anything. It's that I am resolving stuff about myself and my body. While I may have walked in as a function of a reflex, I walked out because I am no longer that reflex.

Thank you.

And aren"t you glad you didn't give into prompts from fast food? Takes not only Will Power, it takes also Won't Power. Congratulations on knowing which one to use!

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I could have written this post. Thank you. I was sleeved in January and have taken the same approach as you. I’ve lost 46 lbs but for me it’s not just about pounds this time. It’s about being healthy and feeling good and not dieting. My surgeons nutritionist said there should be nothing in your diet now that is “bad food” or “safe” foods. She said get that diety mindset out of your head. Eat healthy. Eat protein first because that’s what your body needs. Eat vegetables next because that’s what your body needs. If there is room after you met your protein goals have complex carbs because they give you more fuel than sugary ones. This is not about what you can and can’t eat anymore- it’s about what is good for you and what makes you feel good. No more yo yo. No more extreme. Just good and healthy and moderate. Good luck to you- to all of us.

Thanks op for writing this I feel the same way even though I am pre op I need to find balance I need to rework the thoughts in my head that make eating pleasure reward and all that

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