Concerned Mom

[Ance 55]

My 20yo has been struggling with her weight since middle school. She's 5'7" and 255lbs now and has successfully gone through all her pre-op. She has a 6/21 date for her sleeve surgery. Her dad and I are not supportive of her choice. We feel she's too young to take such a drastic step when other than her weight, she's a healthy young lady. She has been up and down with her weight but she also gives up too easily on the lifestyle change required to keep a healthy weight. We fear because of previous behaviors she'll do the same and not stick to this commitment.

As her mom, I won't let her go through this process alone and will help her with her healing process but, this decision has caused friction and stress at home. It breaks my heart. We've asked her to hold off and we'll work with her to go the healthy route with seeing a nutritionist, a physical trainer and a therapist to guide her through this journey. She said no that her minds made up. She's under our insurance and the thought has come up to mention to the company that we don't approve this surgery but don't know if that may back fire. Another thought is to remove her and encourage her to get a job with insurance and she can do it and pay for it on her own. I'm conflicted and scared.

[Apple1 2,572]

I think you should definitely not remove your daughter from your insurance. That is not supporting her at all. I think the best way you can help her is to encourage her to seek therapy for her food addictions or mental issues surrounding eating, and then be there for her on the tough days when she needs you!! She has made a decision to do something about her weight issues at an age where she can really change the rest of her life for the good.

Have you looked at the statistics of people who lose weight by diet and exercise? Most gain all of their weight back and then some. A common theme on this forum is that most people wish they would have had surgery many years before they did.

Your daughter is an adult now, and if she has gone through all of the pre-op classes and has qualified for surgery I think you need to support her completely. If you don't she will resent you, I know I would. The complication rates for sleeve surgery are really low. Have you gone with her to any appointments and spoken with the doctor? Maybe this would help ease some of your fears.

[Berry78 4,259]

I am also a mother of an almost-17-year old daughter that is heavy.

Thank you for being willing to help yours through the healing phase. She will need as much support as you can provide.

I guess I'm a bit confused by your post. You say you are concerned she won't make the required lifestyle changes, but it sounds like more than that. You sound like you really just don't want her to have the procedure, and potential failure is just a convenient excuse.

Your daughter has a broken metabolism. The surgery will fix it.

Just think of it like this: if your daughter broke her arm, and the doc recommended surgery, would you balk at that? Of course not!

And after her arm is fixed, is it guaranteed she'll never break it again? No, of course not.

The metabolism is the same way. The only difference is there is a limit to the number of times bariatric surgery can happen.

As many of us here have discovered, surgery makes it POSSIBLE to stick to a healthy diet.

Please stick around the board and learn what it is about. Invite her to join as well.

[Newme17 3,444]

I soon as I read your post, but I heard "control". I've dealt with controlling parents growing up, even in to my young adult years. Your daughter is an adult and although she may or may not be making the most wise decisions at 20 years old (I've been there), you surely need to love and support her throughout, and not control her; she will indeed resent you and it'll break your relationship even more so. As for surgery, everything what the above two posters said. Please be there for her and support her and love her. Those that have support tend do to better mentally than those who don't. Give your daughter peace please! This is a great tool to have and she can surely get ahead in her life now, than 20 years later with all kinds of problems, especially if she's struggled with her weight early on. Please, support her!!!

Edited June 10, 2017 by Newme17

[Callie60 24]

This is about her body and she knows it better than anyone. Support her completely. Surely you have enough confidence in your own cavities to believe that you raised a child competent of making her own decisions. If she's done all this on her own at that young age with opposition at home, she is competent and commuted and has earned nonjudgemental support. Be there for her on her terms. Either way she will need you. You may be right...she may fail, but what if she flies?

Sent from my SM-N920V using BariatricPal mobile app

[Joann454 1,329]

Please support her beyond healing. It's clear you love her and are worried about her. Please attend support meetings with her, meet her doctors, become involved. She has a lot of changes she will be dealing with after this surgery and will need her parents. I'm only 19 days out from surgery and only wish I had done this at a younger age.

[sgc 538]

When I was 20 I weighed 350 pounds. I lost 100 pounds and by 21 I was 250 pounds. At 22 my gallbladder went out. Things started to change as I got a more sedentary job and before I knew it, I got up to 470 pounds. I feel like I was my 20's being overweight. I wish I would have done the surgery at 20. At least I decided to do it in my early 30's instead of trying to lose on my own again and be in this situation in my 40's.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I had controlling parents. I'm 40 and I haven't talked to either of them in years. The years I haven't talked to them have been the best years of my life.

Just that you would consider removing her from your insurance tells me every thing I need to know about you.

I feel sorry your daughter. I imagine you have made her feel terrible about her weight her entire life too.

Why is everyone that posts in the friends and family section is a terrible human being. Lol every fricking time.

Edited June 10, 2017 by OutsideMatchInside

[SeaShells82 96]

I have to say, while I believe you believe you're being supportive of your daughter, many of the comments in your post reek of judgement - judgement your daughter has no doubt picked up on.

Let's take the following 3 direct quotes from your post below - read them on their own and imagine your daughter hearing this sort of thing every day. How do you think that would make her feel? Empowered? Or judged?

"she also gives up too easily on the lifestyle change required to keep a healthy weight"

"we fear because of her previous behaviors she'll do the same and not stick to this commitment"

"we'll work with her to go the healthy route" (an insulting insinuation that what she's pursuing isn't healthy)

You say your daughter has struggled with her weight since middle school - at that young age, control over the majority of her food choices would still have been made by the adults in her life (meaning you). The fact that, despite your good choices for her, (I'm assuming you made healthy food choices for your family here but please correct me if I'm wrong) she has still struggled with her weight, should go a long way to showing you that some of this is beyond her control. That's not to say there won't be a significant amount of personal work she's going to have to do on her end to make this surgery a success, but without support from the people who purport to love her, that becomes even more difficult than it already is.

You say she has successfully gone through all her pre-op tests. That typically includes (at a minimum) months of an MD supervised diet, a full psych eval, as well as a physical and other lab work/tests. If she's been successful through all that, AND her surgeon, the insurance company, psych, nutritionist, primary care physician, etc all signed off on her decision and agree with her that this is a good option to help manage her weight - why wouldn't you be supportive of it as well??

[Berry78 4,259]

Sorry, I had to cut my above post short, as had to attend to kid duties.

Umm.. yeah, sorry about the wasps' nest that your post has stirred. Please keep in mind, as several of the above posters have mentioned, there are a lot of people here with "parent issues", and your post pushed some buttons.

I was heavy by time I hit first or second grade, but really started gaining in earnest in middle school (blasted puberty!!). My Mom and Dad didn't have much money, so they did the best they could. I was the only one that became chubby on the Pasta and day-old doughnuts, so it was a problem with me, not the diet

But, alas.. the past is what it is, and I'm finally on a path to better myself. I'm 38.

I recognize that you are terrified of complications from the surgery. You'd hate to see a perfectly healthy young adult sign up for an optional procedure that could leave her worse than she started, right?

We can't promise nothing bad will happen during/after the procedure. But, we can promise that the risks are low, and the rewards are great.

Post-surgery regain is a real possibility, and it can start as early as 6-8 months post-op. She has a lot to learn about changing the content of her diet, FOREVER, not just the quantity.. because she'll gradually be able to eat more and more, to the point of eating like a typical person (1 plate, not 3.. but she can get in big trouble with 1 plate!).

If you can, please look up Dr. Matthew Weiner on youtube. He is a bariatric surgeon in Michigan, and he has a TON of information about how/why the surgery works, and tips for changing diet and lifestyle afterwords.

We are so used to having to steer our kids in the right direction (away from danger), that it can be difficult to let them go and do their own things. Shoot, my husband didn't want me doing the surgery! He was terrified for me.

I was more terrified for my high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, joint pain, inability to fit in an airplane seat (no 2nd honeymoon in Hawaii!), breaking toilet seats all the time, having to hold my breath to tie my shoes, couldn't wash the bottoms of my feet, having very limited wardrobe selection, couldn't go out to walk the dog without feeling like I was going to have a heart attack, stairs = seeing stars.. etc.

I did great on diets when I was 20. Lost 65lbs, could hike 25 miles a day carrying a pack, etc. But, we can't all stay 20 forever, and having pregnancies, sitting at desk jobs, taking care of elderly parents in the home.. these things all take their toll, and weight gain happens... especially because a broken metabolism does not get fixed by diet and exercise! (There is some hope for a ketogenic diet, I suppose, but that was one I never tried).

Fix the metabolism through surgery. Learn a new way of cooking and eating. Fix any emotional problems.. and your daughter has a great chance of having a normal life.

[tabula 54]

I understand where you're coming from and don't blame you for wanting your child to lose her weight naturally. Surgery is a big deal and it's not 100% solution, it's a tool to help you get healthy. When I was getting my surgery, it was 50/50 from people saying GREAT vs ARE YOU SURE?

I've struggled with my weight since college and yo-yo dieting is not good on your body or emotions. The older and bigger you get the harder it is to get off.

My insurance didn't cover and I paid out of pocket which for me makes me even more determined to lose 100% and keep it off.

She'll need the support to be successful and as been mentioned in prior posts, look at the statistics of obesity and mortality, the young more obese you are the worse off you are.

I too which I had done this in my 20s vs 30s. Remember it's a tool to weight loss, not a magic bullet. I think most of us are here because we couldn't do it without a tool like this.

So you know this is the best decision I've ever made and am extremely happy.

[Ance 55]

4 hours ago, Apple1 said:

I think you should definitely not remove your daughter from your insurance. That is not supporting her at all. I think the best way you can help her is to encourage her to seek therapy for her food addictions or mental issues surrounding eating, and then be there for her on the tough days when she needs you!! She has made a decision to do something about her weight issues at an age where she can really change the rest of her life for the good.

Have you looked at the statistics of people who lose weight by diet and exercise? Most gain all of their weight back and then some. A common theme on this forum is that most people wish they would have had surgery many years before they did.

Your daughter is an adult now, and if she has gone through all of the pre-op classes and has qualified for surgery I think you need to support her completely. If you don't she will resent you, I know I would. The complication rates for sleeve surgery are really low. Have you gone with her to any appointments and spoken with the doctor? Maybe this would help ease some of your fears.

Thank you for your input. I have gone to all her pre-op appt with her cause she asked me too and she was afraid to go alone. I haven't approached the therapy route for her to address her food addiction. I will try and encourage her to do so, I'm running out of time but will do my best.

[Joann454 1,329]

Thank you for your input. I have gone to all her pre-op appt with her cause she asked me too and she was afraid to go alone. I haven't approached the therapy route for her to address her food addiction. I will try and encourage her to do so, I'm running out of time but will do my best.

It doesn't have to all be done before surgery. She can still do lots of mental work after surgery (it's when the bulk of mine has been done and is still going on albeit on my own). It's a journey and surgery is an event.

[Ance 55]

1 hour ago, tabula said:

I understand where you're coming from and don't blame you for wanting your child to lose her weight naturally. Surgery is a big deal and it's not 100% solution, it's a tool to help you get healthy. When I was getting my surgery, it was 50/50 from people saying GREAT vs ARE YOU SURE?

I've struggled with my weight since college and yo-yo dieting is not good on your body or emotions. The older and bigger you get the harder it is to get off.

My insurance didn't cover and I paid out of pocket which for me makes me even more determined to lose 100% and keep it off.

She'll need the support to be successful and as been mentioned in prior posts, look at the statistics of obesity and mortality, the young more obese you are the worse off you are.

I too which I had done this in my 20s vs 30s. Remember it's a tool to weight loss, not a magic bullet. I think most of us are here because we couldn't do it without a tool like this.

So you know this is the best decision I've ever made and am extremely happy.

Congratulations in your accomplishment. I know I'm coming from a Mom's position of fear and protection. I want her to succeed but I'm asking her to give us one more try to provide her the support and guidance of a trainer and nutritionist. We're going to see a therapist before surgery to discuss her issues with depression and learning disabilities. She's focused only on the surgery and nothing else. I recognize that this is a tool but she sees it as the only solution that will work.

[Sherrie Scharbrough 311]

I know people have kind of come at you but I want to tell you a little about my family. I thought I was fat at a early age just because I felt big next to some of my classmates but the truth was I weighed 135 to 140#'s in JR and High School. I fought with my weight every since I am now 60 will be 61 in a few days. Fast forward to mebgetting asnhigh as 285#'s and I am 5.3 so YES I WAS FAT!! Along comes my kids my son has never had a weight problem. But my sweet daughter who is now 37YO has been overweight for most of her life. Me thinking I was being a good mom, DIDN'T want to make her sick in her mind as I was. You see I have tried almost every diet known to mankind. I purged and threw up before ANOREXIA and BULIMIA before they became public. So anyway I didn't want her to feel defeated or have the self-hate like I did. She only knew me as always on a diet, when she was like 8YO she used to suck her tummy in and say, "Look mom I'm skinnying down". Broke my heart. I just kept saying I will let her deal with her body and weight when she was grown. To this day she has no idea how to diet. She weighs 275#'s now. Life happened she had 4 kids and added weight with everyone of them. Because I never helped her when she was young she has no idea how to lose weight and yes she lack stick em to the diet also. I had my weight loss surgery when I was 57YO. I have maintained my 125#'s for 3 and 1/2 years. Would I encourage my daughter to have weight loss surgery I can say this with everything in me YES YES a MILLON times YES!!! Please support her inmher choice. She will be ok. At first she will lose her weight in the Honeymoon phase which is the first 6 to 12 months. She will lose her hungry and be able to make changes to her lifestyle and exercise. Most people don't have much hunger for awhile. I am 4 years out and I still have no physical hunger. Mind hunger yes. That is something counseling will help her with. Just be there for her. You don't want to push her away, she needs her Mom!! Let her get her life back!!