Sorry this is long....

The first thing I MUST address is the way in which some people talk to on another on WLS forums. Often, I will stumble upon a post because I Google a question looking for an answer in the moment rather than asking something that may have already been asked and waiting. I've noticed a lot of people being extremely critical of the questioner...

Here is an example (in a weak moment -MOMENT being the keyword - I might add... I'm on the liquid diet), I found someone asking if in the pure liquid post-surgery diet stage if they could have sugar free soft-serve ice cream. The first response was from someone who decided that rather than answer the question, they would provide an impromptu lecture on slider foods and how they should be dealing with food post-surgery. While I recognize posting on the internet opens you up to opportunities of criticism, I would hope that most people on weight-loss-surgery forums would have enough common sense to understand that most people on here are adults capable of choosing what they want to do. She didn't ask if she SHOULD eat the ice cream, she asked if she COULD eat it. I'm not saying the concern about slider foods wasn't without merit, but it wasn't warranted in this situation. Turns out, the poster just wanted to see if she could indulge in a lick or two in a social setting (a birthday party or something). She wasn't planning to enter a soft-serve eating contest. And even if she was... SO WHAT?! How does that impact the responder in any way? Why waste the time responding? The question wasn't, "What's an exmaple of a slider food and what are the dangers of a slider food?" UGH!

This leads me to another thing I'm really, really, really frustrated with. NOT EVERYONE HAS MENTAL ISSUES WITH FOOD THAT IS OVERWEIGHT OR UNDERWEIGHT OR IS INCAPABLE OF CHANGE OR INCAPABLE OF LEARNING WAYS TO COPE WITH FOOD ADDICTION. I am not saying it will be EASY, but it doesn't mean someone can't overcome their addiction. I know people from all ends of the spectrum who have accidentally overeaten at a holiday or party or have made a bad choice (food related or not) and I know many people who OBSESS over the food they put into their bodies and have done some serious emotional and physical damage by being TOO restrictive. Here's the point I am trying to make...

WHAT WORKS FOR YOU MAY NOT WORK FOR ANOTHER PERSON. And perhaps this is my unsound opinion, but having HAD WLS does not make you an EXPERT on WLS no matter how long ago you've gone; until you've gone to school and extensively studied psychology, gotten your doctorate, etc. etc. etc., no one wants to hear it unless they specifically ask you hey what SHOULD I do! SHOULD BEING THE KEY WORD!

Yes, some people may find it best avoid slider foods at all costs for the rest of their lives. However, other people will be able to indulge in a few bites of ice cream, or whatever and it doesn't undo all of their hard work or everything they've accomplished.

I have to say that I'm so disappointed when looking for answers to certain WLS-related questions to see so many people 1 - not answering the question directly, 2 - providing emotional/psychological advice, 3 - just not showing a little more compassion to people regardless of where they are in their journey, 4 - assuming you know anything about the person based on a question they've asked. And hey maybe you can tell they're making a huge mistake, but they may have worded the question incorrectly, they may be having a difficult time with something else in their life and they're searching for empathy from someone else who may have gone through something similar... the point is, a simple question doesn't provide you all the facts so stop assuming things about people because they've had weight loss surgery or are contemplating it!!!

On a related note, I'm so disappointed in the frequency in which I read people who start off by replying, "I'm sorry, but..." YOU ARE NOT SORRY! You are about to say something hurtful. If you have to say BUT after sorry, you're just not and you should delete your sentence and go read a book. Unless you're saying, "I'm sorry, but you're totally awesome and I love that you're realizing you're perfectly capable of realizing this is an internet forum and not a conversation with your doctor..." but rarely does it go that way.

FINALLY, I am so tired of reading things that are presented as black and white. I bet there are a bunch of people who disagree with what I have said... okay, fine, but does that mean I'm wrong? DISAGREEING WITH SOMEONE DOES NOT MAKE THEM WRONG AND IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU RIGHT. SOMETIMES YOU CAN BOTH BE RIGHT, WRONG, OR IN BETWEEN!

50 Shades of Grey? TRY A BILLION! AHHHH!

PS - I really need the pureed food stage to arrive... and fast.

Let's not forget about the one who ate an entire pizza at 3 weeks post-surgery. No one needs a fancy doctoral degree to conclude this person may have dire unresolved issues with his/her relationship with food. By the way, I steered clear of that thread.
Also, there's the woman who got sick eating a Big Mac at 4 days post-surgery. Again, common sense dictates that she may have unresolved food issues if she'd willingly risk her life fulfilling a Big Mac craving when she's supposed to be on nothing but full liquids.
These individuals visit online forums on the hunt for comments that validate their poor decisions, usually under the guise of "needing support" or "seeking advice." Any advice that follows the course of "You might develop a staple line leak by eating burgers and pizza at a few days post-op" is shouted down as rude.
Of course, these are often the folks who never make it to their goal weight or, if they do, they start to fiercely regain during the second year and beyond.
For a massive percentage of the weight loss surgery community, the biggest challenges are psychological in nature. After all, the surgeon operates on our stomachs and not our heads.

I totally agree with you however if u read certain posts by a select few they come off as high and mighty and they go right for the jugular. I would find a better way to tell the lady eating the whole pizza that she needs to let her dr know what she's really eating and to get into counseling asap...not be the food patrol...I'm the type of person who will find a strategy to get the message across in the best possible way. Some may see it as coddling... I see it as not trying to set
someone back to the place they just came out of. We need to let them know they are putting their health at risk without making them feel worthless or beneath others.

I totally agree with you however if u read certain posts by a select few they come off as high and mighty and they go right for the jugular. I would find a better way to tell the lady eating the whole pizza that she needs to let her dr know what she's really eating and to get into counseling asap...not be the food patrol...I'm the type of person who will find a strategy to get the message across in the best possible way. Some may see it as coddling... I see it as not trying to set
someone back to the place they just came out of. We need to let them know they are putting their health at risk without making them feel worthless or beneath others.

I don't think I'll stick around and help. It sounds awful but I can see getting cynical and jaded and impatient. If I'm going to be that way I'll just move on because I won't be helping anyway.
I already read some posts and am like "are ya kidding me". I don't respond but if that's already happening and I'm so new...well. I'm grateful for all views but people telling me "there there, it'll get better" won't help me. Flip side, rude asses won't either.
I'm lucky and have lots of support at home and with my Bariatric team. My experience here has been incredibly positive and supportive.

Pretty sure the whole pizza eating thing took place 3 months postop... not weeks. So at least it wasn't quite as dangerous.

My family is so over hearing about the surgery. So I am on the board to get my fill of the topic. If I can help someone, all the better!

Just be warned that I love sending people to the ER if I think circumstances warrant it. Better have insurance if you listen to me!

Pretty sure the whole pizza eating thing took place 3 months postop... not weeks. So at least it wasn't quite as dangerous.
My family is so over hearing about the surgery. So I am on the board to get my fill of the topic. If I can help someone, all the better!
Just be warned that I love sending people to the ER if I think circumstances warrant it. Better have insurance if you listen to me!

Lol! Hysterical!
That's a good point about burning out my family. Who knows. I'm here today and may never leave.

47 minutes ago, Joann454 said:

I don't think I'll stick around and help. It sounds awful but I can see getting cynical and jaded and impatient. If I'm going to be that way I'll just move on because I won't be helping anyway.
I already read some posts and am like "are ya kidding me". I don't respond but if that's already happening and I'm so new...well. I'm grateful for all views but people telling me "there there, it'll get better" won't help me. Flip side, rude asses won't either.
I'm lucky and have lots of support at home and with my Bariatric team. My experience here has been incredibly positive and supportive.

I will agree that sometimes it is hard to not get impatient with some people when what they are asking seems obvious. I think we are all guilty of this, but I personally want to remember to treat people with kindness as I don't know what they are going through on a daily basis. This may well be the only support they have. I don't think we should coddle them, but find a nice way to correct them if needed.

I will agree that sometimes it is hard to not get impatient with some people when what they are asking seems obvious. I think we are all guilty of this, but I personally want to remember to treat people with kindness as I don't know what they are going through on a daily basis. This may well be the only support they have. I don't think we should coddle them, but find a nice way to correct them if needed.

Yep. Totally agree. I'm kinda "hangry" right now so I just scroll on by if I can't be supportive.

1 minute ago, Apple1 said:

I will agree that sometimes it is hard to not get impatient with some people when what they are asking seems obvious. I think we are all guilty of this, but I personally want to remember to treat people with kindness as I don't know what they are going through on a daily basis. This may well be the only support they have. I don't think we should coddle them, but find a nice way to correct them if needed.

I agree that there is no reason to be hateful to people. That being said, A LOT of the time, people aren't being hateful; the poster reacts badly to good information and advice. Example -- a man that posts on here and has had great success over a long period of time (he's a beast if you look at his pictures) gave some relevant, honest feedback that wasn't hateful or even the slightest bit rude a few weeks back. The OP reacted terribly, and the thread turned into another internet war even though nothing out-of-the-way was said.

Many people on here want the following kind of response: "Oh [insert polite, "southern" noun signifying concern], everything will be alright. Listen to your body. Just get back on the horse. Bless you." And some of the things being posted are alarming, dangerous, and destructive on top of just generally being counterproductive to losing weight and improving one's health. (Look at some of the posts that get the most "likes." Many of them are just like my example.)

It is almost criminal that some doctors will operate on people that are so insanely unprepared for surgery or post-op life. But this whole enterprise is a business, and these forums are evidence of that every day.

^ What Blizair09 said. ^

If you went through a permanent life and body altering operation to get healthy, why not listen to good advice (when delivered non-offensively)? It really does no justice to anyone to be coddled. Surgery was the easy part. Looking at yourself and your habits is where the hard work has to start to be successful.

12 minutes ago, The New Kel said:

^ What Blizair09 said. ^

If you went through a permanent life and body altering operation to get healthy, why not listen to good advice (when delivered non-offensively)? It really does no justice to anyone to be coddled. Surgery was the easy part. Looking at yourself and your habits is where the hard work has to start to be successful.

I totally concur.

However, human nature is not always logical or rational. Numerous people are dishonest with themselves and (unfortunately) lying to oneself is a barrier to true self-improvement.

A person must first acknowledge (s)he has a problem if it's ever to be solved. But instead of admitting to having a problem, some people would rather surround themselves with cheerleaders and "yes-people" who offer false reassurances and delude them into thinking everything's alright.

Honest introspection is a difficult, but necessary aspect of personal growth and self-improvement. Some folks lack the desire for introspection because it often unearths some painful truths.

And, yes, the truth can hurt. Nonetheless, lying to oneself is more harmful in the long run.

5 minutes ago, Introversion said:

I totally concur.

However, human nature is not always logical or rational. Numerous people are dishonest with themselves and (unfortunately) lying to oneself is a barrier to true self-improvement.

A person must first acknowledge (s)he has a problem if it's ever to be solved. But instead of admitting to having a problem, some people would rather surround themselves with cheerleaders and "yes-people" who offer false reassurances and delude them into thinking everything's alright.

Honest introspection is a difficult, but necessary aspect of personal growth and self-improvement. Some folks lack the desire for introspection because it often unearths some painful truths.

And, yes, the truth can hurt. Nonetheless, lying to oneself is more harmful in the long run.

Yes! And the admitting you have a problem part I think is key. It is Step One. Not unlike any other addiction!

...Im wondering if I'm going to be moody and snappy after my surgery ? [emoji23] I sincerely apologize in advance...JS

Sent from my SM-J700T using BariatricPal App

Don't usually like to get involved in conversations that aren't supportive in nature but wanted to share my opinion.....and that's all it is....my opinion. It's not my job to judge someone who is lying to themselves or making excuses for their behavior. It's counter productive and alienates people. We've all been in that place where others feel they know the best solution for our circumstances or know our journey better then we do. Critical and/or hurtful remarks are not helpful.......if they were none of us would be here. Being judged and negatively critiqued doesn't lend itself to improvement. Doesn't mean we "coddle" and make excuses for the choices or bad behavior - it means we help by offering what worked for us, what helped us get through the hard times, what may work instead of self sabotaging behavior. Suggestions, not criticism, being offered in a supportive, kind and helpful way are much more likely to make a difference. I try to remember we are all on a difficult journey and doing the best we can in any particular moment. I haven't walked in other people's shoes so I can't feel good about being critical of their particular situation. I can, however, share what works for me in a supportive way and hope it makes a difference.

12 minutes ago, chuswysly said:

Suggestions, not criticism, being offered in a supportive, kind and helpful way are much more likely to make a difference.

Here's the caveat...no matter how kindly and supportively we present a suggestion, the person who originally sought the 'advice' often replies in a testy manner that, "I didn't ask about that! I asked if a Taco Bell burrito supreme is okay to eat in the soft food phase. Only supportive responses, please!"

Regardless of how helpful and supportive a reply is, many people have the ulterior motive of only fishing around for validation of their poor decisions. And of course, when they start regaining weight a few years from now, the blame and anger will be displaced onto some entity other than themselves (e.g., "the sleeve failed me").

Edited May 28, 20179 yr by Introversion

Ultimately, I posted this because I was frustrated with the way in which some people responded to the people on the forums. I feel that many overweight people are stereotyped and have likely had little compassion for their situation. In my opinion, compassion and patience do not equal coddling per say. Tough love doesn't mean being rude; it represents honesty and a genuine willingness to help someone. Perhaps I was a bit unhinged and didn't completely express myself as I would have liked in the initial post.

I do not disagree with being honest by any means, but as some have mentioned, there's a difference between being honest and being rude. Bluntness can be necessary, and I agree there are many posts in which people are seeking justification for bad choices.

Additionally, I should say that when you post something on the internet asking for advice, you should show the same respect towards the people who are genuinely looking out for you and ignore those who are taking the time to be hurtful and mean.

My post is mostly to say that I wish people wouldn't assume something about a situation, stereotype weight loss surgery patients (especially those who are WLS-patient's themselves), and to in general show kindness to one another. Outside of this community is already flush with judgment and it would be nice if we could just be nice.

I appreciate everyone who contributed their thoughts, and I apologize if I didn't accurately express my feelings. I did not intend come across as we should live in a world with rainbows, unicorns, and sunshine all the time. I simply mean to say, that you should think about what the person is asking, consider if what you're writing truly expresses what you mean to say, and if it's worth saying what you have to say.

I will agree that sometimes it is hard to not get impatient with some people when what they are asking seems obvious. I think we are all guilty of this, but I personally want to remember to treat people with kindness as I don't know what they are going through on a daily basis. This may well be the only support they have. I don't think we should coddle them, but find a nice way to correct them if needed.

That's exactly what I was trying to convey only you did it better lol