Dealing with an unsupportive husband...help!

[B.Annie 290]

Hard truths suck!! But you're right. Thank you.

I'm glad I posted. I wasn't expecting this kind of feedback, but it has really helped put things in perspective. I really appreciate everyone chiming in with more or less the same response, but with different ways to share it. This is such a wonderful community. [emoji4]

I love this community too because of that! I have never even told anyone my weight before. Here I feel free because we are all in this together in some way. And that means that we all can pass along what we have struggled through ourselves or learned from others. I'm so glad everyone posts and is honest on this site because I feel comfortable being like a sister in my own truthful sharing and advice.


HW: 328 (02/22/17)
SW: TBD
CW: 292

[bunnyboop 41]

1 hour ago, jessgnc said:

Hey Bunny,

That hurt to read and hear, but I think I needed those hard truths. You're absolutely right. The situation sucks, but it is what it is and I can't change it. The most I can do is change how I handle it. I really appreciate your reply.

Oh dear. I didn't mean what I said to be hurtful. I'm so sorry. I tend to be blunt, but I don't tend to hurt people -- and I'm so sorry for hurting you. This said, I do think you're in this on your own and that's OK. You should be glad that your husband feels comfortable being completely honest about what he can and can't do. I honestly think if you put together your own support team, you'll be fine in the short-term and in the long-term, the honesty that you and your husband share is the backbone of a very strong and solid relationship.

[jessgnc 167]

5 minutes ago, bunnyboop said:

Oh dear. I didn't mean what I said to be hurtful. I'm so sorry. I tend to be blunt, but I don't tend to hurt people -- and I'm so sorry for hurting you. This said, I do think you're in this on your own and that's OK. You should be glad that your husband feels comfortable being completely honest about what he can and can't do. I honestly think if you put together your own support team, you'll be fine in the short-term and in the long-term, the honesty that you and your husband share is the backbone of a very strong and solid relationship.

No no! I mean it hurt to read/hear, but in a hard truth kind of way. I'm so glad you contributed and I really appreciated your bluntness. Sorry that I didn't say that clearly enough!

[Smores 56]

All anger is is fear. I'm sure that he is just worried about you. When I told my husband he right away did his own research. He wasn't thrilled at first but now he's on board. He still will make comments " you know, you can't eat this or that or go to a buffet " He just wants me to think this through. I don't get offended by his remarks. I just know that he cares. He did go to my first orientation with me. I'm okay if he misses my appointments. He works funny hours. I pray that you and your husband gets through this closer than ever.

[ShelterDog64 2,364]

I'm going to chime in with pretty much the same as you've gotten so far. Your husband is against elective surgery, and that's his opinion to have. He's said he'll be supportive, but now it almost seems like you're setting up ways for him to fail you in that support. My sense, from the other things you've posted about him, is that he's doing the best he can in a situation where there's no 'win' for him. Give him a little space and don't place a lot of expectations on HIM...this is YOUR choice, not his.

Look around your WLS support group, your close friends and/or your extended family, and try to find people there who can be the things your husband can't. But a word of caution...going into this thing requiring help/support/affirmation from others is not a great idea. You need to be comfortable enough with your own decision and strong enough to get through it on your own before you have the surgery.

Edited April 21, 2017 by ShelterDog64
missing word

[HeatherS. 230]

7 hours ago, jessgnc said:

Hard truths suck!! But you're right. Thank you.

I'm glad I posted. I wasn't expecting this kind of feedback, but it has really helped put things in perspective. I really appreciate everyone chiming in with more or less the same response, but with different ways to share it. This is such a wonderful community.

It's a pretty great community, I agree. I came here planning to suggest you enlist a friend or different family member to be your support person through this, but everyone beat me to it.

Your husband sounds a lot like my dad was up until mom's health deteriorated to the point where she needed round the clock care, and for what it's worth, he's admitted that his previous approach was self-protective because he wasn't ready to address his fears.

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself in spite of his struggle. My mom didn't, and I can tell you the result is not even remotely a happy ending.

In conclusion: go you for reaching out and reaching for what you know you need to get healthy!

[Browneyes58 9]

It's about you! Men do get scared and insecure you know. He may be afraid about the surgery itself and then he may become insecure because of the weight-loss. I was worried about my husband being insecure, but he has amazed me. When I first approached him with the surgery, he was not happy about it at all. He went to the orientation with me and after listening, he got on board with the ideal. I weight, at that time 325 lbs. He was there for every visit, he was there for the surgery and he remains supportive. Insecure? No, he loves what is happening to my body; as a matter of fact I cant keep his hands off of me. Give your husband some time He has to get use to the changes that are about to take place

[Sleeve1stFitNext 924]

My BF was supportive and then 2 days before surgery, he started a fight. I did not speak to him Friday and Saturday. My surgery was scheduled on Sunday. My mom was out of town on business and was coming back Sunday morning. The Hospital sent a car to home, a formality to ensure that you are on time for surgery lol. He was there when I got there. He apologized and we spent time talking while I waited for my turn. He was just scared and did not want to talk me out of it so he let those feelings bottle up.

In your case, your Husband is vocal about how he feels. I understand that you want him there more so to understand the process and for him to trust your decision. It just sucks that you have to strong arm him into doing what he knows he should be doing.

[MBird 298]

Tl;dr: Husband says he supports me. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming otherwise. What should I do?

Let me preface this post with a note. My husband is wonderful. Our relationship is healthy and happy, and while I’d change some things, they are tiny things like biting his nails, nothing substantial. We have been together in some form for 14 years and while he might come off in a negative light in this post, that isn’t who he is.

There was a small hiccup and despite being told I was approved earlier in the week, I was actually REALLY approved yesterday. My husband and I were discussing the news last night.

My husband has been against this surgery since the day I told him. When I initially began looking into it, I sat on telling him for nearly 3 months, making sure it was what I wanted before I told him. He is amazing at arguing a point and I didn’t want to have my mind changed unless his arguments were amazing. Once he realized I was in this 100%, he told me that he didn’t agree with the decision, but he’d support me completely and be there for me.

I…I don’t feel that he has. He hasn’t gone to a single support meeting with me, though I have asked him to. He went to one doctor’s visit, but that was after I browbeat and begged him to come. My first visit had been a disaster. The entire waiting room was filled with patients and +1’s. I was literally the only person that day who was there alone. I actually broke down crying when the nurse took me back. Having him there the second visit made a world of difference for me and my mental health, and I think it helped him understand that while he has issues, this surgery is about as safe as many others and I am a great candidate.

I feel unable to talk to him about the topic. If I broach it, he discusses it as pleasantly as possible, but his body language just screams “I DON’T AGREE WITH THIS.”

After telling him my good approval news, I asked him point blank if this was the right choice, mostly hoping to allay my anxiety. He let out a really drawn out sigh and then told me he still didn’t think it was and that I was making a lifetime commitment for cosmetic reasons. I explained again that while the cosmetic thing was a nice bonus, this was being done so I could live a long and healthy life without major health issues. His reply was “well those years at the end would suck anyway.” He also argued that instead of taking pills for being sick, I’d take pills to remain healthy. I tried to argue the difference between taking Vitamins vs taking insulin or heart medication, but as mentioned above, he’s REALLY good at arguing a point, so I let it go.

To be fair, the blame on asking him a direct question and getting a direct answer is on me. I don’t begrudge him telling me the truth. It just really hurt to hear him say it. This is happening. He knows this is happening. He has voiced his concerns multiple times and I’ve tried to quell them by using science and facts. Would it really hurt for him to give me little white lies when he knows this is an inevitability? I asked him if he’d visit me when I was recovering at the hospital and when he asked how long I’d be there and I told him probably a day and a half, he said “Yeah, I’d have to pick you up and drop you off anyway.” That…that’s kind of crushing to hear. You guess you might drop in on your wife? For someone who claims to support me and my decision 100%, that feels oddly unsupportive. It would be nice to wake up and see him there. My friends have already told me to tell them when I’d be in the hospital so they can visit. Meanwhile, I have to ask my husband to make an appearance?

At the end of the conversation, he said “we’ll figure this out.” Honestly, I almost cried. He said WE, not me. I pointed out how nice it felt to hear him as being on the same team and he ruined the moment by saying “well, I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”

The moment he said “we” instead of singling me out felt amazing, like we were a team and I had my partner and best friend on my side. This is a huge undertaking and it would be amazing to have him there instead of dragging his feet.

I don’t know what to do guys. Am I reading too much into all of this? For as long as I have known him, he has always been very outspoken against elective surgery. I’m healthy (now) and this isn’t medically necessary (yet). I’m just not going to be able to convince him that this is the right decision for me unless I have a serious medical condition related to weight happen. I’m not waiting for my body to break before I make repairs. If he says he supports me, should I take it at face value? Should I stop bothering him with this and keep him out of the loop? The friends I have told have been wonderful, should I just rely on them and not bother him with this?

I just want to apologize before hand if I offend you, and I'm not there or know him, so I can't really say what is happening on his end or what he's thinking.

From what I glean, you probably should look for support elsewhere and have a friend pick you up from surgery. I have to admit, his comments are coming across very childish and cruel from what you are typing here. I wouldn't put up with that sort of unkindness from a partner. It's selfish, whether it's fear or something else. This is about your health not his feelings.

Being obese is a disease, many diseases are treated through surgery.

My unwarranted advice is to stop trying to talk to him about your surgery. Use the forums here, talk with family and friends that care, and completely shut him out of the process. He obviously, from all you've typed here, seems to not care, feel comfortable, and/or is uneasy and uninterested in being supportive. Maybe it will change after, when he's see's you're ok. But it doesn't matter. What matters is being strong for yourself. Exercise, proper eating, training your mind to focus on what you need to do for yourself is what matters, not seeking the validation of someone who doesn't want to give it.

My partner is supportive but only attended one seminar. I'm okay with that. I'm doing it for me, not him, not anybody else, ME.

[Beachbum60 6]

Good sources of opinions in your favor to review, sift through but regardless going through this life change requires three key elements I have found out in my short change.
1. Educate yourself - Research, Read, Reach out, then Research and read some more .
2. Find some type of solid support system to have in place . It takes a tribe [emoji1], to work the success and for a good balance .
3. Develop a mental toughness between your ears so that you can succeed. The mental aspect combined with the above two key ingredients will help you in your success- In my opinion ( Only).
Best of luck !

[BayougirlMrsS 3,939]

I'm pretty sure most of the "vets" here knows my history and what i have dealt with for the past 8.5 years.

If not,..... in 2009 I started my research and process of having WLS. My husband was NEVER on board. He would said things like.... You don't need this, you can lose it on your own.... why do you want to lose weight, so you can get skinny and find another man?..... Only people that have no will power and want to take the easy way out does WLS.... I could go on an on... He never went to any Dr appt with me or for any testing. He said if I was going to do this... I was on my own.

When i went to my Phyc eval one of the questions was.... how good is your marriage? At the time i saw it as good.... we had been married for 17-18 yrs i think... We always argued about stuff but all couples do have spats.

By the time i had my LBS i was 230lbs and our sex life was almost nonexistent... I thought me losing weight would help that as i was convinced that it was my weight that turned him off. Day of surgery, he did bring me, but he was zero help after. Never help me at all. I was... like he said... On my own. Thank God i have a high tolerance for pain and heal fast. I went back to work 6 days later only to be laid off from work. So i started cleaning peoples houses and the weight came off... SLOWLY.... he said, so when is this "thing" going to start to work.. You look the same (insert knife to heart).... But it did lite a fire under my a$$ and i started exercising at the Y and i lost 60lbs the first year. Low and behold, sex did get better (briefly)... but i still had to beg for it. Others started to say things in front of him like.... Wow Chris you look great, how much weight have you lost? And say things to him like, Jim you better be on your game... Chris is looking Hot.... (he hated that, as as soon as men said it, done, we never went around them again)..... He became even more introverted and we stopped socializing with most every friend. The next year i lost another 20lbs and this is where the real trouble started.... the comments were.... How much more weight do you want to lose? i asked why? he said, because your looking like a bag of bones... OR you know you were prettier when you were fat, your face didn't show all those wrinkles.... Why are you wearing that, don't you get enough attention already..... I canceled the gym membership... your skinny enough.

This is when i realized that it was his insecurities that he was fighting. At 230lbs, my self esteem and confidence was nonexistent.... i hated me and the way i looked. He knew it and took advantage of this. He knew that as long as i was fat he could control me like he always had. His fear was that i would gain back my self esteem and confidence like i had when we first met (i was 20 and was 100lbs). And his fear came to fruition ..... As the weight came off... i started feeling great about me and where i was headed.

Our marriage crumbled.... he refused to seek help saying... There is nothing wrong with me... It's you (me). You need the help. You need to find out why you need attention all the time..... and i told him... because you (him) gave me NONE. I mean NONE.... in so many way... but he knew that im a very sexual person and he withheld it from me. Down to twice a year.... and then i had to beg.

So over a year ago i finally sat him down and said.... I am sooooo unhappy and if things don't change, im filing for Divorce. Well, he didn't take me serious and i filed after being marred for 25 years... it was final in Feb. after we passed our 26 anniversary.

When i made the choice, i thought i'd rather be single and happy then married and unhappy. I dated a lot (as some of you know).... had a blast... Wore myself out most weekends.... hehe..... then i met Tim... wow... amazing man... he and i are seeing where it will lead... and im liking this road...

Bottom line, if you count on others to do what you would do and expect them to be they way want them to be and treat other the way you would treat them...... YOU will ALWAYS be disappointed. Only you can make you happy... others can only enhance it....

I wish you all the luck....

Chris

[jessgnc 167]

@bayougirlmrsc - Holy crap, that story was quite a read.

I think the takeaway from that story is you need someone on your side and on your team. Even if they're not going to be there every step of the way, you don't need that kind of negativity in your life. It sucks that it ended, but it sounds like you are much better off without Jim. It's his loss for not being there for you emotionally and physically. I hope you and Tim work out!

[BayougirlMrsS 3,939]

having support is important and everyone wants someone on their side. I really hope your husband comes around... i really do.

it does suck... we built a life together and now we are dismantling it.... hard to go through... but, i'm in a better place for it now and so happy in my day to day life.

Now a new journey has begun.... a life with out my beloved band (tina)... Sadly we also divorced a month ago (so to speak). She slipped and had to leave me.... :-(

But, Tim has been very supportive saying.... You can do this and im hear for you what ever you need. I told him, just keep being him....

[jessgnc 167]

1 minute ago, bayougirlmrsc said:

having support is important and everyone wants someone on their side. I really hope your husband comes around... i really do.

it does suck... we built a life together and now we are dismantling it.... hard to go through... but, i'm in a better place for it now and so happy in my day to day life.

Now a new journey has begun.... a life with out my beloved band (tina)... Sadly we also divorced a month ago (so to speak). She slipped and had to leave me.... :-(

But, Tim has been very supportive saying.... You can do this and im hear for you what ever you need. I told him, just keep being him....

My husband isn't throwing on a cheerleader outfit and doing backflips, but compared to your ex, he's definitely close! He's said he has seen me bust my ass doing everything I possibly can and knows that I'm doing this for the right reasons. He just doesn't think I need it and that I'm fine the way I am. I think hearing your story helps me realize that even though he's not as supportive as I wish he was, it could be a lot worse.

It really does suck. I haven't been divorced, but I can imagine how much it must hurt. You plan to spend your life with someone and plan for that. Hell, you spent 25 years with him. You DID spent a large part of your life with him. People change though and you only get one life. You need to make sure you enjoy it as fully as you can.

I'm so happy Tim is there for you! I also got a chuckle out of you naming your band. Too funny!

[BayougirlMrsS 3,939]

i could tell you crap he has said to me that would make your mouth drop to the floor.... Sad part is, im not alone... lots of people that have come here over the years have gone though a lot of what i went through. They said that a lot of marriages end after WLS because one or the other can't handle the changes. .... Let see, my friends Tami (sleeve) divorced after 25 years, Jenny (gb) after 20, Paul (band) after 15, Stephanie (band) 10, Chantel, Tara, Melanie, ......

Yep.... pretty much half my life.... I'll be 49 in July.

Tina (band).... she was a saucy minx.... I figured my name is Christina.... Everyone calls me Chris...I'd give her the other half. LOL