Joke Thread

[Rebeccalee 2]

Trish, that's too funny about Californians. It reminds me again how far north I am...might as well be in Oregon. Funny how some of those things seem so normal to me...like...wow, man...you mean it's not that way all over the country, dude?

[donali 57]

http://www.flashbugga.com/media/treadmill.wmv

http://www.fugly.com/media/download.php?cat=MOVIES&id=765&sort=&order=&rating=&per_page=

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/treadmill.wmv

[Iluvharleys 15]

Donali - those are funny, but were you looking in my window?

[~c~ 1]

How do you get a bear to go for a swim in the winter?

You cut a hole in the ice, put frozen peas aroung the hole.

When the bear goes to take a pea,kick him in the ice hole!!

hehe

[Iluvharleys 15]

Great new avatar Greg!

[Iluvharleys 15]

You need to try this ! Have fun!

History Exam...

Everyone over 50 should have a pretty easy time at this exam.

If you are under 50 you can claim a handicap.

This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember about what went on in their life.

Get paper and pencil and number from 1 to 20.

Write the letter of each answer and score at the end.

Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put your score in the subject line!

1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?

a. On the floor shift knob

b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch

c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?

a. Capture lightning bugs

b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing

c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk

b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled

c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?

a. Blackjack

b. Gin

c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?

a. Suntan

b. Leg painting

c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?

a. Studebaker

b. Nash Metro

c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

a. Strips of dried Peanut Butter

b. chocolate licorice bars

c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar Water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?

a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up

b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing

c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key

b. Woven straps that crossed the foot

c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?

a. Consider all the facts

b. Ask Mom

c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?

a. Smallpox

b. AIDS

c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"

a. SUV

b. Taxi

c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?

a. Old Blue

b. Paint

c. macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?

a. Part of the game of hide and seek

b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores

c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?

a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring

b. Princess Sacajewea

c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?

a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high

b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window

c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum

b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items

c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?

a. Meatballs

b. Dames

c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?

a. The Ink Spots

b. The Supremes

c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?

a. Tony Bennett

b. Xavier Cugat

c. George Gershwin

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

ANSWERS

1. On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.

2. To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam Iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored Water.< /p>

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Ma caroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today..

----------------------------------------------------------------------

SCORING

17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who should share their wisdom!

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is getting keen.

0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences.

Send this to your friends with your score in the subject line!

[HarleyNana 10]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny start ed his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into t! he woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

[whippledaddy 5]

SCIENTISTS PROVE THAT DIARRHEA IS HEREDITARY.

It runs in your jeans.

[Jammin & Losin 1]

Whipple daddy That sounds stinky to me!!!

[New Hope 37]

Betty, I knew all of those!!

Extend your right leg. Make clock-wise circles. Continue.

Now, write the number six with your right hand.

Which way is your leg going?

[Jammin & Losin 1]

To all you new avators Paula whippledaddy and rebecca! YOU ALL LOOK GREAT!!! I hope I didn't miss any one!!

I think I forgot Greg....

[Mita 2]

My friend sent this to me this morning

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she

>goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos

>all over his arms answers.

>

>She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

>

>The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements

>in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

>

>The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and

>points to a Harley in the driveway.

>

>The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

>

>The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man

>in your club under the table."

>

>The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

>

>The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs

>of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm

>shooting pool."

>

>The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been

>picked up by the fuzz?"

>

>The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been

>swung around by the nipples a few times."

[HarleyNana 10]

You're too funny Greg!

[Iluvharleys 15]

Things to Ponder

>1 Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an

impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

>

>2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

>

>3. The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only

expects you to kiss his ring.

>

>4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone..

>

>5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in

the bathroom.

>

>6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the

drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

>

>7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of

course,

there's shipping and handling, too.

>

>8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the

impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

>

>9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a

large trash can.

>

>10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip

me

off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal

Fluid."

>

>11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription

for

Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned

building.

>

>12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he

was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him

rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He

said,

"Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"

>

>13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

>

>14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never

point the wrong way.

>

>15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear

loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I

wouldn't

have signed up in the first place!

>

>16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just

"chunky dunk."

>

>17. But the early bird still has to eat worms.

>

>18. The worst thing about accidents, in the kitchen, is eating them.

>

>19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to

tell

the difference.

>

>20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could

simply press "Ctrl-Alt -Delete" and start all over?

>

>21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you

haven't fallen asleep yet.

>

>22. My wife says I never listen to her...at least I think that's what

she said.

>

>23. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

>

>24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but

they

can in prison?

>

>25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have

started with something called labor!

>

>26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

[DeLarla 22]

Thanks, Betty, for ripping open my incision. Ouch, my side hurts.