Family Not Supportive

[lizzie_07 0]

Hello lapbanders!

I just joined this site officially but have been reading the posts for quite some time now. I'm 21, in university, and have been overweight all my life. I know this surgery is right for me, but whenever I try to discuss it with my family it results in arguments. Today I booked the surgery for Nov. 2 (I have a way to pay for it myself), but I have not told them yet as I know it will result in yet another argument. As if this decision hasn't been hard enough, my lack of support is making this a very lonely process for me. I have the rest of my life ahead of me, and I do not want my weight holding me back anymore.

Has anyone else had this issue? I keep reading about how supportive everyone's families have been, and i'm envious, frankly.

Elizabeth

[TheGh0st 9]

I know many people who had friends and family members that were against the surgery. They either thought any surgery was too dangerous or that I could just do it on my own. Like that had worked so well in the past!

Many I know chose not to tell some or even most people they'd had surgery (including thier own husbands in a couple cases) and were just vague when people started to notice the weight coming off.

My mother in law was against it. She worked a combination of acting like I was wasting her son's money (OK, I make MORE than him but whatever) and the good old "If you just used a little will-power, & restraint you could do it without surgery." I finally had to have it out with her when over 6 months after surgery and 60 pounds down she kept going on and on about whether I'd read some dribble (I mean book) called "Why French women aren't fat".

My own mother fought tooth and nail for me not to have the surgery, begging, crying, yelling, using every scare tactic she could think of to talk me out of it, offering to pay for all sorts of alternatives from hypnosis to a fat camp.

Sometimes I'd wished I'd kept quiet about the surgery as well, but that's just not my personality. So I dealt with it. Now my mother couldn't be prouder and I keep getting asked by both of them to talk to their friends or co-workers who are looking into surgery about my experience with the band.

[LFERLAND 0]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through hell with your friends and family when they SHOULD be supportive of you... whether they agree with the surgery or not. Many people do not understand half of what we go through and therefore they cannot wrap their head around our reasons for having the surgery. They do not get it that it takes more than just will power to lose weight... if that's all it took I guarantee no one in the world would be obese!!!

I was very lucky to have very supportive family and friends. It was only my best friend that was opposed to my having he surgery. It was only after I explained to her my reasons for having the surgery and what t5he surgery actually was that she was 100% supportive. I found that the people who were opposed to my having the surgery actually thought I was having a gastric bypass, not the LapBand. I had to explain to many, many people before... and after surgery what the LapBand actually was.

Maybe it is a similar situation with your family and riends. Maybe they are ignorant to what procedure you are wanting. Have you tried explaining to them exactly what the procedure is or do they just start the fight when you try? If your family and friends do not want to listen and try to understand your reasons for having this surgery then I agree that you probably should not bring it up again... but don't give up on yourself in the process!

I am proud of you for making the decision to change your life and health for the better. I am sure every last one of us on here is proud of you, as we are for each other. I know that we are not a replacement for the lack of support from your friends and family but we are all here for you. I have learned that there is never a lack of support on here!

I hope all goes well for you. Take care.

[Ginger_ 0]

Some questions:

What is your BMI?

How much weight do you want to lose?

What is your goal weight?

How have you tried to lose weight in the past?

Have you consulted with your family doctor?

Sorry for the questions, it's just that you are so young and you don't look obese in your photo, you look adorable. It's possible to look at lap band surgery as a quick fix but it is just a tool and you still have to do the work. I am newly banded but have been reading these boards for months and I know the veterans will say the same thing. I'm not saying that you are wrong at all - I'm just wanting to hear more of your story.

As to naysayers - get them to research it themselves! Perhaps download a pamphlet from TLBC to show them. They may have it confused with the gastric bypass, which is much more risky and changes your anatomy forever. Personally I have so far only told friends but not family - and I'm 44! lol I figure maybe I will tell them later, maybe not. Friends are my best supporters anyway.

I'm glad you posted - all the best!

[Louisianagirl 0]

My dad was against me having it but I just turned my head and went ahead with it. He doesn't tell me nothing about it but I know he can tell I look and feel better. He proberly regrets telling me I shouldn't do it but he would never say it to me. Don't worry what they think it is your life. People that never had a weight problem don't know what its like. I wish I would have done this 5 years ago.

[ozzy greene 0]

Hello lapbanders!

I just joined this site officially but have been reading the posts for quite some time now. I'm 21, in university, and have been overweight all my life. I know this surgery is right for me, but whenever I try to discuss it with my family it results in arguments. Today I booked the surgery for Nov. 2 (I have a way to pay for it myself), but I have not told them yet as I know it will result in yet another argument. As if this decision hasn't been hard enough, my lack of support is making this a very lonely process for me. I have the rest of my life ahead of me, and I do not want my weight holding me back anymore.

Has anyone else had this issue? I keep reading about how supportive everyone's families have been, and i'm envious, frankly.

Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth, I am Bob I was banded Aug 7. 2007, Good for you at 21 I was over weight and I starved myself on and off for months, I lost the weight and put it back on. I am now 42 been over weight most of my life. I was unhappy most of the time. I have no wife, no girlfriend, no children and I don't go to dances for quite some time due to my weight. I hope YOU make a decision to help yourself. To get you to be healthy and happy. If we are not happy than what is life all about ? ? ? I am in Toronto area, there is lunchens that the bandsters go to,I went to one lunch before I was banded just to check it out. I got lots of support. Hopefully your family will come around. Imagine if after 20 years you were still over weight at 41 with no husband or boyfriend and no children. Would you be happy. Plus my health was in serious risk. Hearth attachs,strokes,diebetes, and back pain were all on the list of things to come for me. Plus the mental hurt of being overweight in this society. Then maybe they would want you to be healthy. My family was scared that I would die if I did not lose the weight. I was 353 pounds in June, 330 after the Optifast pre-surgury diet.330 lbs. at surgury on Aug.7 now in Sept 18 I am 285 pounds. I love my band. It is a good tool to help me not over eat. I am an emotional eater and an extreme over eater. I am happy I did this. I wish the band was there when I was 21 or even 31 lol.

Good luck to you Elizabeth.

Bob

[lizzie_07 0]

Thanks for all your support guys. It really means a lot.

To answer the questions asked:

What is your BMI? 38

How much weight do you want to lose? i want to lose about 100-110lbs. My face doesn't show how heavy I am, but trust me, I'm obese.

What is your goal weight? My goal weight is 140-150 (I'm 5'8)

How have you tried to lose weight in the past? I've been trying to lose weight all my life..literally. I've tried all the fad diets, weight watchers, etc. And i've lost weight at times, but always managed to put it back on as I'm sure many can relate. I've learned that I can't even believe myself anymore when I say I'm going to lose weight THIS time.

Have you consulted with your family doctor? I am going to do that very soon, most likely the beginning of next week. Although, I already know that he will not be supportive. He already gave me a long speech about losing weight and how there are no quick fixes. Which I'm aware of. But I think he will look at this as my quick fix. To me it is not, it is a tool to help me.

I was asked if I have tried to educate my family on the surgery. And yes, I have. Unfortunately my father did his own "research", so his arguments consist of only looking at the downsides of the surgery without having a real understanding of it. He points out the death rate (1 in 2000) and the complications and such. Which I am aware of. I'm at the point where I just want to agree to disagree and do this. Why wait until I am an overweight 40 or 50 y/o with major health problems? Right now I have none and I'd like to keep it that way. It's the right time for me.

Sorry for the book lol I needed to vent a little =)

Elizabeth

[Ginger_ 0]

THANK you for the book! I have seen a young woman post before who wanted to lose twenty pounds - she was only 117 pounds. I wanted to make sure you were not another her lol.

Thank you for answering all my nosey questions. The band is the right choice for me, and it sounds like it may be the right choice for you. I wish I had it when I was 21. Or 31...

Talk to your doctor, and perhaps your doctor could speak to your father on your behalf. I suppose though at 21 and with your own means you don't actually need permission. But it would be nice to have the support of your family.

What clinic are you booked with?

Best wishes!

[lizzie_07 0]

Thanks Ginger! I'll be going to the TLBC. I see you see had your surgery there recently, congrats! How has your journey been so far??

Elizabeth

[Ginger_ 0]

Hi Elizabeth,

I'm mostly good - I have a lot of pain in my left shoulder, and some

nasty cramps in my chest still, but they're starting to fade. The incisions feel great, I still have the steri-strips on. My port is about 2-3 inches directly below my belly button. I told Dr Yau I wanted to be able to wear low rise jeans one of these days instead of these high granny jeans lol. Sometimes I feel nausea, but eating often helps. I do get sweaty, nauseous, and faint if I try to exert myself too much or too long, so I try to remind myself that I just had surgery and to take it easy. I've only been working three hours per day this week.

I'm REALLY looking forward to this post-op diet stage to be over, so I get really get going. :clap2:

Please let us know how it goes!

[Gaffer 1]

Lizzie,

It sounds like you are really well informed about the band, and from what you have mentioned you seem to be a good candidate. You sounds like you have really considered this, and you seem to have a very realistic & mature outlook regarding this

Although I dont know much about you situation your Dad's opposition to the band could just be his way of telling you that he is concerned about you, both from the medical/surgical side and about the financial implications that having the band could have. Parents always worry about what is best for thier children, and men especially older men are not the best at telling people what they are feeling. Instead they become irrational.

I think that if you can get your Dad to go with you to one or more of the consults that would be helpful. With the surgery there is always that chance that something will happen, but he should also be reminded that complications from obesity can be far worse and effect you qulaity of life.

At 21, I wish I could have had my band. It has been such a positive experience for me.

In terms of what you can expect from the pain, it is not that bad. The shouder pain and gas pains can be a little rough the first couple of days, but that goes away and can be controlled with meds and walking. Your midsection will feel sore for a while, but nothing that is unbearable.

I would go through all that pain again and again to have the other outcomes I have had. My body does not ache anymore, I sleep less and better, my blood pressure is normal, and I have more energy that ever.

Andrew

[Jim 0]

Lizzie,

I agree with Ginger and Andrew. It sounds like we all feel the band would be good for you, and we all wish we had this surgery when we were much younger and got more out our younger lives. It would be a lot easier for you to have all the support from your family and doctor but you have to decide how much you can do with or without their support.

All the best wishes and Good Luck.

[lizzie_07 0]

Thanks again. Gee, everyone is amazing on this site. You have no idea how much it means to me.

I have been doing a LOT of research. I find forums like this one especially helpful in seeing what living with the band is like (good and bad) and i've decided the good well outweigh the bad.

I'm scheduled for November 2, so I'll post a little message on here after my surgery.

Thanks, and good luck with your continued weight loss everyone!

Elizabeth

[joe7777 1]

hey lizzie, i'm 19 also university student (3rd year), If you would like to talk you can PM me.

[lizzie_07 0]

Hey, I tried to PM you but when I click on your name that little bar doesn't drop down with the PM option. I'd like to talk to you for sure. Maybe try private msging me?

Elizabeth