Help! Need advice for sleeved family member

[kimini 175]

Hello all. My dad was sleeved in July (a month and 1/2 before me) and he is not sticking to the plan. I know that my journey is about me and that I shouldn't focus on how others are doing, but this is my dad, and we have always been close. I hear from my mom and my brother (who is living with my parents after his divorce) that my dad is completely off the rails. According to them, he Snacks all day on chips, Cookies and other garbage, and he is not tracking his Protein or following his plan at all. I am so worried that he is squandering his one chance to lose weight and be healthy.

I had a conversation with my mom earlier this week, and we both agreed that I was the only one who might be able to talk some sense into him. My mom hasn't been through surgery and she has a very rigid, by the book outlook, which is at odds with my dad's carefree attitude. My brother has been through WLS, but there are two reasons why he can't sway my father 1) He and my dad butt heads on everything. My brother talks down to my dad, and my dad has zero respect for my brother, especially since he has moved back in with them and can't support his own kids; and 2) My brother had duodenal switch, he is more than 5 years out, and he eats whatever he wants all day and literally cannot gain weight. My dad sees this and thinks he can do the same right after having the sleeve.

...Which leaves me. My dad and I have always "spoken the same language". When I was younger, we would challenge each other to lose weight and get fit. We used to go hiking together every morning, and we both agreed that carbs are poison, but then we would fall off our own bandwagon when we felt discouraged, so we've shared a lot of highs and lows. I feel like some of that old pep talk/challenge is what he needs, but I'm not sure exactly what to say or how it will be received.

I am supposed to go see him this weekend, and I would like to be armed with some great advice, but I'm afraid I'll come up short and won't be convincing enough. I would love to throw some shocking stats at him or provide some kind of motivation for him to try harder. Any advice on how I may be able to convince him to follow his plan?

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

It is pointless. It is like trying to make a junkie go clean before they want to.

I understand it is your Dad and you have to try, but it is a waste of time. Nothing is going to change his mind except him.

[Raynbolite 302]

I have to agree...you can't do anything to change him. My hubby has done bypass surgery and I did the sleeve. I am by the book, I follow the rules closely. My hubby, not so much...he's not as extreme as your dad, but I want him to do better and he could. Anytime I talk about it, he shuts down. I keep doing my thing, hoping he'll be inspired. But it's all in his court. I wish you luck with your dad, but take care of you.

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[kimini 175]

@@OutsideMatchInside and @@Raynbolite, I had a feeling this was the kind of response I would get. Thank you for being honest with me. I will try with my actions and maybe even see if he wants to start hiking with me on the weekends again. Maybe seeing that I am getting healthy will inspire him, but I understand that I can't change him.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@kimini

Leading by example is your best option. If your Dad sees you doing the right thing he might join in, but I feel like talking to him might make him dig his heels in more, you know him and we don't so that might not be the case.

Your brother *sigh* is that WLS patient that gives WLS a bad name. One of the reasons I was so against WLS for a long time. I had never met a WLS patient that actually ate healthy, they always ate crap, and still lost weight or were sick all the time, so what was the point.

[kimini 175]

@@kimini

Leading by example is your best option. If your Dad sees you doing the right thing he might join in, but I feel like talking to him might make him dig his heels in more, you know him and we don't so that might not be the case.

Your brother *sigh* is that WLS patient that gives WLS a bad name. One of the reasons I was so against WLS for a long time. I had never met a WLS patient that actually ate healthy, they always ate crap, and still lost weight or were sick all the time, so what was the point.

Agreed. I'm glad my brother is able to keep the weight off, but it's disgusting to watch him eat, and he doesn't look healthy.

[Lema 236]

Talk to him about his journey, ask him how much he has lost or how much he plans on losing. Find out what his goals are and make some plans about engaging in physical activities with him.

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[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

There's little you can do. Like everyone else, he makes his choices. It seems to me that your best shot is to shoot for his paternal emotion: "Daddy [or whatever you call him when you and he are closest], I don't want you to die. I don't want to die either. That's why I had surgery. Let's partner on the program." Don't even say "I love you." He knows.

[sc101071 398]

Example, yes, seeing you drop your weight will make him proud and possibly inspire.

Maybe they are right and there is no hope, but you have to have the conversation. And maybe a suggestion to get therapy before he blows his chance. He wouldn't have had the surgery if he did not want the success.

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[Lema 236]

Also, tell your mom to raid his junk stash and get rid of it. Maybe instead of him, she can do the meal preparation so even if he is snacking, he is not snacking on junk food or Cookies all day. Talk to your brother about not leaving behind a negative influence.

My brothers have always been healthy and can also eat anything and not gain a single pound of weight. Our cultural family dynamics allows us all to live in joint families so I watch what they eat and no matter how much I would try, when I feel hungry, I go for what I find in the fridge or the pantry. Now that they know what i have gone through in order to make my health better, they don't offer me junk or leave it in the fridge. My point being, if I don't see it, I don't eat it..

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[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

. He wouldn't have had the surgery if he did not want the success.

I don't know about the gentleman under consideration, but lots of people have surgery without wanting success. Some travel under the ambivalence banner, others under the "gimme magic" sign and yet others, well, they are anyone's guess.

[kimini 175]

@@Lema, in your first post, I like that you have laid out a reasonable approach. I will definitely try it. My mom and I had the discussion about her intervening, and she won't interfere in that way. If he doesn't like what she provides for him, he will just go and buy more junk. My brother = lost cause. He doesn't care what affect his actions have. I think the best bet is just to encourage him to get out of their house!

@@WLSResources/ClothingExch, yes, I feel like suggesting the partner approach is good, based on our history. I think that suggesting hiking on the weekends is a good way to begin the partnership and gives me a chance to check up on him and see how he's doing.

@@sc101071, thank you for the advice. I appreciate a male's opinion. I think part of my hesitation is knowing that as a male, he may not be as receptive, but you're right. I've got to try.

[kimini 175]

"... as a male, he may not be as receptive, ..."

Is it wrong to say this? Am I generalizing? I just feel like men play their cards closer to the vest and are often harder to get through to. Maybe I'm wrong? It seems like it was so much easier to communicate with my dad when I was younger. I guess we've drifted apart in recent years.

[kimini 175]

. He wouldn't have had the surgery if he did not want the success.

I don't know about the gentleman under consideration, but lots of people have surgery without wanting success. Some travel under the ambivalence banner, others under the "gimme magic" sign and yet others, well, they are anyone's guess.

It's possible my dad was looking for the magic, especially since he sees how my brother eats whatever he wants and doesn't gain weight.

[Sai 785]

Even though I agree that he is the only one that could change his ways, I think since your mom believes you are the only one that may be able to make him see the light, it's totally worth a try or two or three. I was close to my dad, and the only one that could talk to him too before he passed, and so I hold these types of relationships close to my heart. Perhaps tell him that you're worried about his health (which you are), and that WLS isn't just to lose weight but to get healthier and that you want him to be around as long as possible.

I'm sure it's tough for you, and I hope you can help him. *hugs*